[detachedangst]

Today is one week SI free! This is huge for me. Also one week since I have been to work.

[Achy Turtle Armor]

After my T appointment I went to the gym to exercise. I walked 2 miles and did some weights. Then I went to the mail room to get my mail. I decided to drop my H's mail off on the doorstep. Were separated and divorcing. I made sure he wasn't outside in the backyard. Well I get to the door and who do I see and who sees me? My dogs! Ginger! Then Pepper! They remembered me! They were so happy to see me as I was happy to see them. It was bittersweet though because I knew it wouldn't last and of course he is there... Angry, mean, caustic... We argued briefly. He was telling me how bad I was for not letting him know that I was coming by. Told me that I can't just drop by (though I pay the rent, electric, etc.) I told him that I had no intention on seeing him. He said, like always, I didn't think. God, I'm so sick of that. All he did was help me solidify even more my decisions. I eventually walked away while shooting him a bird.

I miss my girls. I was so happy that they remembered me. They wanted to leave with me.

Slept badly. Those dreams came back, a rather harsh reminder of why I disconnected from those things in the first place.

Also realized today that I seem to have replaced tears/sadness with sarcasm. The more hurt I am the more more brutally sarcastic I seem to be.

The best defense is a good offense I guess.

[emmaleewhispers]

In so much pain....physical pain, that is. Not to mention I'm pretty depressed and feel like crying... although I cannot. I blame the meds for that. But otherwise, I'm doing mostly ok... I think?

I ****ed up. 5 years SH free down the drain. **** it.

[Espresso]

Each day is a roller coaster.

[Britneigh]

I was promoted at work. Instead of being a normal barn staff I'm barn manager now and am working on set with my boss more often. It felt like a huge honor. Overall things have been so so.

[Bill3]

Congratulations Britneigh!

[Espresso]

I'm incredibly frustrated. Nothing can fix me.

T's office just rang and offered me a cancelled appointment.

I hadn't requested to be on the cancellation list. In fact I said no when she asked.

Does this mean she picked up on how little I am coping? I thought I was hiding it better than that.

I'm worried now that all my issues are hanging out for the world to see while I think I'm putting on this super front.

[Britneigh]

I'm in such a dark and scary place right now.

[emmaleewhispers]

Britneigh, ((((HUGS)))) to you! I really hope you get out of that scary place and return to the sunshine soon!!!

[SeekerOfLife]

Originally Posted by Britneigh

I'm in such a dark and scary place right now.

Britneigh, sometimes it helps me to just put it out here on PC even if no one responds. It helps to get it out of my head. Of course, it does help when someone responds.

[Espresso]

I've been put in a very bad mood.

[Britneigh]

I'm still struggling. I feel so empty and lost and the only person I have in my life is having a bad night and I can't go to her. It's scary how little I truly have to fall back on. It scares me that if my boss were to tell me to go I'd be screwed. I have nobody else to help me. Honestly. It's not me feeling bad for myself or a pitty party. It's truth. And it's scary since everyone seems to eventually give up on me. It scares me how much I need my boss, and it scares me how much I love them as family. I just feel so lost and broken and scared. Nothing is helping me feel better and I've tried so many healthy coping techniques. I just am stuck

[emmaleewhispers]

Originally Posted by Britneigh

I'm still struggling. I feel so empty and lost and the only person I have in my life is having a bad night and I can't go to her. It's scary how little I truly have to fall back on. It scares me that if my boss were to tell me to go I'd be screwed. I have nobody else to help me. Honestly. It's not me feeling bad for myself or a pitty party. It's truth. And it's scary since everyone seems to eventually give up on me. It scares me how much I need my boss, and it scares me how much I love them as family. I just feel so lost and broken and scared. Nothing is helping me feel better and I've tried so many healthy coping techniques. I just am stuck

I feel you. You are not alone. I've hit a horrible snag again and I just can't cope. Feel better soon.

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[HD7970GHZ]

I have been given a chance to do what I love to do - and now that I am doing it - I am unable to do it... It's like everything I've been trying to achieve is at my fingertips - but I am making all the wrong moves and doing everything that I shouldn't... Does this mean I don't like what it is that I am doing? Or does it mean that I will never find something I like?

[Espresso]

I was sad this morning. Now I don't know how I feel or if I feel anything. I'm so very alone, and that's the way I like it even though I hate it. I want to hurt myself, but I don't know why. Often, it's to release inner pain, but I don't know if I'm experiencing any pain right now. Maybe I just want to feel something? I don't know. Am I making any sense?

[SeekerOfLife]

........

[HD7970GHZ]

I just had a fight with my Mom. I always seem to. Today the topic was trust. I told her I'd like to get her involved with my therapy but I accused her of the past when she had broke my trust and said I hope it doesn't happen again. She got defensive and walked away and left me feeling abandoned and invalidated. I knew I should have left her alone - but I followed her outside and tried to explain why trust is so important to me... She said I could trust her - but for some reason I just couldn't get it in my head. To me they're just words. I was looking to be convinced, but not even I know how I could be convinced... Well it escalated to where I threw a glass bowl to the gravel - was told to leave her alone and didn't. I couldn't. She loaded our dog into her car and had the car engine running but I held her door open to keep her from leaving... I tried to reason with her. I knew I was in my borderline mindset - but it's just too painful to accept her leaving not having settled our little dispute.

Turns out I cannot possibly involve her in my therapy. It wouldn't and it isn't a good idea. I don't trust her and today taught me that I may never trust her. It's a sad realization - my mom is so important to me - but it's over. I won't get that relationship that I always wanted. She has it with my brother. Always has. That's a painful reminder that I need to learn to accept and keep from bringing me down. If only my mom knew how painful it is to say goodbye to a real bond.

Originally Posted by Espresso

I was sad this morning. Now I don't know how I feel or if I feel anything. I'm so very alone, and that's the way I like it even though I hate it. I want to hurt myself, but I don't know why. Often, it's to release inner pain, but I don't know if I'm experiencing any pain right now. Maybe I just want to feel something? I don't know. Am I making any sense?

yep, i get you.

[shezbut]

I am feeling insignificant.

[emmaleewhispers]

Originally Posted by shezbut

I am feeling insignificant.

Me too. :'(

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Have realized how many non-apologies I accepted from my ex. Even when he didn't say sorry and just made excuses for himself I forgave him.

The stupid is strong in this one.

I really just need to be put out of my misery.

[Britneigh]

Sad and lonely. It's become all to familiar of a feeling to me. I'm always alone. I've had a few angry outbursts lately as well. I dunno. I don't know who I am anymore or what I feel.