[avlady]

you sound relaxed misskeena, have a peaceful moment with your cats!!!i love cats

[Espresso]

My emotions are a roller coaster.

[Bubbles&Buttercup]

Originally Posted by misskeena

Kind of having a crappy people day. I made plans for this evening that I was super excited about, but the other people "forgot" about them and made separate plans. My best friend is not responding to my texts and messages again (she says she's too busy). A classmate from nursing school randomly defriended me from FB within the last week...not sure what I did to her since we've been on break and I haven't spoken to her except to cordially reply to something she said on one of my posts.

Pretty much just hanging out with my cats tonight, watching Netflix and eating. Story of my life.

I'm feeling the same lately. When I'm in an okay mood I know deep down that my friends still like me and they're just busy and maybe not feeling 100% themselves, but a lot of the time lately I feel like no one wants to spend time with me and everyone cancels or something else comes up and gets in the way. It's hard.
Try not to take the fb defriend personally, I know I regularly delete people if I don't talk to them on their. Even if we're good friends so she might be similar.

Cats, Netflix and eating sounds like a good option, I'm a bit jealous!

[katluvzpurple]

I showed up at the university today (I've been gone since Nov, being hospitalized for suicidal thoughts/actions) and I just burst out crying when one of my professors asked me what happened. I'm still not used to having to give "the short version" of just wanting to die. Perhaps the worst part was knowing my personal life is well-known to all of my professional coworkers. No matter how hard I try to accept my BPD I still feel so much shame, anger, and regret. I feel like a failure, and having to quit my job made it all worse. Now I'm expected to get back to work, but I can barely stand to be at the school for more than 20mins or so. . . maybe that's why I'm wide awake at 1am. Thanks for letting me share a bit of a very emotional day.

[Espresso]

Really, what use are doctors? They can't fix anything. All I ever hear from them is "I don't know." It doesn't matter if the issue is mental or physical, they never know what's causing it or how to fix it.

Originally Posted by Bubbles&Buttercup

I'm feeling the same lately. When I'm in an okay mood I know deep down that my friends still like me and they're just busy and maybe not feeling 100% themselves, but a lot of the time lately I feel like no one wants to spend time with me and everyone cancels or something else comes up and gets in the way. It's hard.
Try not to take the fb defriend personally, I know I regularly delete people if I don't talk to them on their. Even if we're good friends so she might be similar.

Cats, Netflix and eating sounds like a good option, I'm a bit jealous!

I don't take it terribly personally (because...to be honest...I don't actually like her ) but it's kind of an unwritten rule that you don't defriend classmates and colleagues with whom you still have to have a close working relationship because it can breed drama. This girl and I have a small clinical group coming up and if there is some issue she has with me, I would rather she'd brought it up to me. I actually rarely defriend anyone. Unfollow or filter, yes.

[walkerlady]

Lost & lonely, got fired from a volunteer job today! I thought I was doing a good job, boy was I wrong! They gave no indicanion as to what I did wrong, so I am really concerned.

[walkerlady]

Just sayin hello. You are not alone, I have many of the same issues. Take care of yourself, I'll be thinking of you!

[Britneigh]

I'm really missing my horse it's been almost two weeks since she's been gone and I still feel like a giant part of me is still in pieces and the hole is so large piecing it back together feels impossible. I get so mad and angry with myself, I think about all the thInga I could have or should have done different and how maybe if I had done "x" she would still be here. I am finding it hard to even work with the horses I need to for work, often thinking about selling my other two horses and tack and getting out of horses. I keep pushing away the people and animals I know would help get me through this but honestly everything hurts and I feel so empty. I know she's running in greener pastures with all the other horses I've lost, but I just want her back, I still needed her here with me. It's unfair that she had to leave, she was only 5. Anyway...that's where I'm at. I don't think I'll leave my bed today...

[Espresso]

I am having a horrible day. I haven't had a day this bad in a long time. It's hopeless.

[walkerlady]

I will be thinking of you and hoping it gets better. Me and my kitties Chiquita and Minnie love you!

[SeekerOfLife]

Originally Posted by Britneigh

I'm really missing my horse it's been almost two weeks since she's been gone and I still feel like a giant part of me is still in pieces and the hole is so large piecing it back together feels impossible. I get so mad and angry with myself, I think about all the thInga I could have or should have done different and how maybe if I had done "x" she would still be here. I am finding it hard to even work with the horses I need to for work, often thinking about selling my other two horses and tack and getting out of horses. I keep pushing away the people and animals I know would help get me through this but honestly everything hurts and I feel so empty. I know she's running in greener pastures with all the other horses I've lost, but I just want her back, I still needed her here with me. It's unfair that she had to leave, she was only 5. Anyway...that's where I'm at. I don't think I'll leave my bed today...

Britneigh, I am sorry for your loss and your pain. To love these very special animals is so amazing.
I do not have horses of my own, but I do love them. I crave to ride more often. I will keep you in my thoughts.

[Achy Turtle Armor]

My heart is aching for my T. Just saw him yesterday and now I have to wait 27 days until I see him again. I feel like a failure because all he is asking me to do is to be more present but all I do is think about him.

He took back something that he told me before Christmas. He said, "I'm nothing. I'm nothing. I'm just a voice." While crying I said, "Your not nothing!" He repeated, "I'm nothing." I said, "Your not nothing. No!" He tells me now that he was sorry he said that. That it's not fair to say that to me. He said, "You don't understand what I'm trying to teach you yet. You're really what matters. We help each other but you're really all you need. You have to be able to self nurture." Later he adds, "Back to the I'm nothing thing. I'm nothing but I am not nothing. Kinda a contradiction of words because I realized that I do play an important part of your life. You're valuable to me too because you teach me."

I just miss him. He knows me so well. He feels like a favorite sweatshirt. I think he does truly like me and care about me. Sometimes I can see that he wants to lower his boundaries but he doesn't because he knows I'm not ready yet and he doesn't want to hurt me.

I'm doing alright. This is the first day in two weeks that I've thought maybe I'll be okay. So maybe all of my progress isn't gone.

[shezbut]

We all have our days of misery, right? Well, this is mine. Depression is hitting me VERY hard lately, especially today. I broke up with my bf last night. He now hates me & I cannot stand being disliked! Seriously, I am one of those people that needs peoples love. When it's gone, I immediately move into a combination of panic and major depression (to the nth degree).

The most pathetic part ~ I broke up with him because I just cannot accept certain aspects of who he is (I've tried & tried). But, now that I'm completely alone & he wants nothing to do with me, I keep finding myself fantasizing about getting him back into my life. WTH?? Man, I just hate myself!!!

[Bubbles&Buttercup]

Originally Posted by shezbut

We all have our days of misery, right? Well, this is mine. Depression is hitting me VERY hard lately, especially today. I broke up with my bf last night. He now hates me & I cannot stand being disliked! Seriously, I am one of those people that needs peoples love. When it's gone, I immediately move into a combination of panic and major depression (to the nth degree).

The most pathetic part ~ I broke up with him because I just cannot accept certain aspects of who he is (I've tried & tried). But, now that I'm completely alone & he wants nothing to do with me, I keep finding myself fantasizing about getting him back into my life. WTH?? Man, I just hate myself!!!

I've had a few partners that I've broken up with for similar reasons and then once we were apart I wanted them back! It's so ridiculous, I actually went back to one and then had to break up with him all over again. It was awful.

My current relationship is probably about to follow all the rest, and it sucks and I know I'll fall apart a bit even though it'll be my decision.

Hope it passes quickly!

[Achy Turtle Armor]

Accepted an invitation to dinner at a friend's home tonight. I would rather stay in and isolate because I am missing my T. I am doing what I know is best for me. I am doing what he would say I should do. I'm getting out of my comfort zone and hopefully I'll be out of my head for a few hours... not thinking about him.

A friend, crush, co-worker said that I should stop seeing my T because I was too attached to him. I thought he was just trying to get me wound up but he was serious. So I told my T about it at the end of our appointment on Thursday. His response was, "That's not true. He just doesn't know what he is talking about. If I was fostering the insanity in you, but I'm not. He doesn't understand why I am the perfect person to help you. He just doesn't know but it's ok. We know."

I love the way he accepts me. He often will mention something unhealthy that I do or I'm doing right then but immediately says, "...but that's ok. This is good. This needs to happen so you can learn. I don't judge you. This is just your brand of insanity. That's ok though. We'll work through it."

I've got to get out of the house and get out of my head. I can't spend the next 26 days desperate to see him.

[dancinglady]

been there done that. It feels so great. I wish I was still seeing my old T. He abandoned and betrayed me. I still think about the good times we shared.

Crazy but I have been with the same husband for 20+ years. I think i started to see him as more of a father figure. Started having some breakdown when I went off my Prozac and sexting guys-now these guys I treated in the typical BPD fashion. When they ignored me I went off on them, but totally idealized them at first. My husband says all of it was because he was taking me for granted We are still putting all the pieces together. All this after I totaled my car (I was sucking on whippets while driving) real mature huh?

[Bubbles&Buttercup]

Back in my home town for a few days and my friend and I organised to catch up for afternoon drinks and I've been really looking forward to it for days. The day is now here and all I want to do is cry and stay in my room.
I miss my boyfriend, I wish he'd put the effort into sorting his **** out, but I don't think he will, and I don't want to have to end it.
I want to read a book and escape my own life.

[MidnightRising]

Going through a rough patch with my boyfriend. I found out that he's still in close contact with his ex girlfriend and regularly does little things to help her out. He wasn't upfront about this with me up until she called him while we were out one night. Things have been spiraling downward ever since.

I've tried to communicate that their closeness is making me upset. He's been upfront with her about our relationship and texted her that they need to stop communicating as much once I told him that it bothers me, but I could tell he wasn't happy to do it. He still seems to feel attached to her (though I'm not sure to what extent) and that's what's putting me over the edge. Trying not to blame myself, trying not to feel insecure, trying not to beat myself up and wonder "what does she have that I don't? What makes her so special?" It's been rough these past couple of weeks, but I'm trying to stay strong and practice wise mind when all I feel like doing is laying in bed and crying.

[Espresso]

I searched for "suicide" on pinterest and even on that site, I got the standard message to call a helpline if I'm thinking about suicide. I wasn't expecting that. And for some reason, it got to me. I'm always thinking about suicide, and no one can help. There was a good quote though that sums up my problems with therapy: "I don't think people understand how stressful it is to explain what's going on in your head when you don't even understand it yourself."

[shezbut]

I had a pretty good day today, and am starting to feel hopeful. shhhh... don't tell anyone...

[Achy Turtle Armor]

***TRIGGER***SI***

Total failure today...

I sent my T a message this morning to see if he got my message last night about my medicine. Everything's fine and he calls in my script. Then I had to be stupid, impulsive, and say, "I'm really missing you. "

Well that didn't go very well. He replied, "That's totally inappropriate and you know it!" I replied, "I know and I wanted to apologize but I thought I should just leave you alone. I'm sorry."

Needless to say, I went into a downward spiral. I've only made it through the day because I have one friend at work I can talk to. Another friend wanted to talk to me because she could see I had been crying but had just cut myself in the bathroom and wanted to get away from everyone. I'm not happy that I cut but it calmed me down for a bit. I can't be sure it won't happen again because I now have to manage these intense feelings of fear for the next 24 days. I feel like crying right now but I'm not going to let myself cry. I want to go home and do bad things but I am going to try to control the urges. I feel like a loser. I hate myself. I don't think I will ever be able to self nurture and let go of people. I'm too f****** needy.

[jeremiahgirl]

I wish I could understand my brain lately! Having BPD your emotions can really mess you up. Ever have a day when your emotions frustrate you? I've been very irritated at "stupid people" people who don't think. I don't like being feeling manipulated either yet I ask myself am I being manipulated? I having trouble communicating to a phone carrier business and I've gotten nothing but a HUGE RUNNAROUND!! It's so irritating. Grrrrrrrrrr! Yet I'm not sure others around me really know how this infuriates me. Dealing with BPD this isn't easy, my emotions are like trigger bullets. Yet, I seriously m trying not to explode because I feel I'm close to a break down. I hate dealing with BPD and especially irritating people.

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