[Angelique67]

Originally Posted by misskeena

I usually try not to have expectations as, when I do (like most recently), I find that they are shattered and I fall into the BPD pit.

I think that age has softened my BPD somewhat since Friday and Saturday were pretty emotional and off-kilter but, by Sunday afternoon, I was more on the upswing and paying attention to stuff I need to get done and my future. I am sad, I feel alone, I am lonely, but I have a degree I need to focus on and that is what matters right now; it's my ticket to doubling my income and maybe even moving out of my area if I so choose. I don't have time to break down or I'll lose everything.

Side note: people tell me that I expect too much and I should just go into things with an open mind. I wonder if they realize that my expectations really are just to have what I see my friends having: love, security, friendship, family...

It sounds like you're doing pretty well. I never got any of those things. Right now I'm disappointed because apparently my vaping unit doesn't work unless a few hours charging it (I don't think that's the problem) magically fixes it. So I'll have to wait for my friend to come and take it and send it back (because I'm not leaving my apartment these days) and meanwhile I just will have to spend the money to get another one from a different vendor. I'm very upset right now - sorry for going on this tangent. I had hoped to get off tobacco today.

[Crazy Hitch]

I am okay.

[Britneigh]

Sooo. I went to my long lost familys for a few days, I haven't seen any of them since I was three I guess...it was surprisingly less awkward than I thought. My one aunt was kinda meh...she's a hot mess herself, basically a ticking time bomb of stress. My other was great, we had a blast when we hung out. Its funny because I'm a weird mixture of both of them. I was glad to come home though...its weird I don't normally call it home...I usually just say "the farm". I did a lot of thinking about things too...I've been really unfair to my boss's who I live with and have basically been on the side of disliking them. We stopped being close because of me...not them. I've completely distanced myself to the point now it feels awkward to be around them and don't know how to fix it :/

[Achy Turtle Armor]

Originally Posted by Britneigh

Sooo. I went to my long lost familys for a few days, I haven't seen any of them since I was three I guess...it was surprisingly less awkward than I thought. My one aunt was kinda meh...she's a hot mess herself, basically a ticking time bomb of stress. My other was great, we had a blast when we hung out. Its funny because I'm a weird mixture of both of them. I was glad to come home though...its weird I don't normally call it home...I usually just say "the farm". I did a lot of thinking about things too...I've been really unfair to my boss's who I live with and have basically been on the side of disliking them. We stopped being close because of me...not them. I've completely distanced myself to the point now it feels awkward to be around them and don't know how to fix it :/

Maybe be honest with them and tell them a little bit about what has been going on with you. Let them know that you would like to repair things. You don't have to tell them everything but just some of your mental struggles.

Just an idea but only you know if it's the right thing to do.

[Angelique67]

My vapor unit is working, yay! This is the night I finally start saying goodbye to tobacco.

[Bubbles&Buttercup]

I feel nostalgic for the really bad times.
Maybe I can just feel it coming to swallow me up again and am trying to prepare myself for the inevitable.

[shezbut]

I am feeling hopeless.

I did have therapy today. I was able to share my sharp suicidal ideation increase with my T ~ and he went over help options with me closely. I agreed to contact him if things got any worse for me today. I could agree to that.

Hope that I didn't bring anyone down. Just feeling really low.

[HD7970GHZ]

********TRIGGER WARNING********

Was in hospital for 2 weeks again. Long story. I am at home with my family again.

DBT is the hardest thing I've ever done. I came so close to ending my life this time. Looking back, I could have prevented it if I had DBT skills under my belt - but I just wasn't prepared. It was truly the worst experience of my life.

I have learned the importance to set boundaries - even with my therapist. Please people - remember that no - one - person - can fill us up.

The story gets much worse - but I will not bore you all with my drama.

I miss the community and thank everyone for supporting me.

[dancinglady]

Thanks for the update. Hope your pain has lessened. Hope you are now safe.

[Mindful55]

Hi HD
Great to here from you!!
You have been missed.
Stay safe.

Sent from my SPH-L720T using Tapatalk

Hi HD, glad to hear you're ok.

I'm really curious as to what happened. Please feel free to PM me if you'd like to talk about it. I can't offer any useful advice, because I don't have any, but I'm here to listen to you.

Originally Posted by shezbut

I am feeling hopeless.

I did have therapy today. I was able to share my sharp suicidal ideation increase with my T ~ and he went over help options with me closely. I agreed to contact him if things got any worse for me today. I could agree to that.

Hope that I didn't bring anyone down. Just feeling really low.

Shezbut, please feel free to PM me if you'd like to talk. I'm here to listen.

This Dx is sure a roller coaster. I really need some good therapy but I have no insurance. My only choice is to go back to work, my husband cannot afford to put me on his. I am gonna have to choose something low key as best as I can and cope with the rat race as best as I can. I don't see any other way and keeping busy has to be good. Everyone say work is what I need. I am bit nervous about handling stress since I've really not changed my coping skills since my breakdown and diagnosis, so I will be relying on meds until I can get some good therapy. I do read the self help DBT modules. I have to do this for my family and can't melt down over everything, it just isn't that easy. I hate Billy Corgan, but he was right when he said "The World is a Vampire".

[Tsukiko]

Now that the PMS is out of the way for the month, I'm evening out. The mania and loneliness have subsided and I'm not depressed.

And how can anyone hate Billy Corgan? -_-

[Britneigh]

I took my mare for a big gallop in the field today. Its amazing how she can run faster than any thought or crappy feelings I have and they're nonexistent when I'm with her. Sometimes I take her for granted but she truly is the best thing to ever happen to me.

[Achy Turtle Armor]

Originally Posted by Britneigh

I took my mare for a big gallop in the field today. Its amazing how she can run faster than any thought or crappy feelings I have and they're nonexistent when I'm with her. Sometimes I take her for granted but she truly is the best thing to ever happen to me.

I'm really happy to hear when you talk about your horse. The way animals love us and can help us feel better is priceless.

[Crazy Hitch]

I am okay.

I'm okay (better than I had been over the last few weeks). My best friend of 17 years, however, tried to bring up (again) how my diagnosis of BPD probably isn't correct and my issue is more than likely spiritual oppression, how she is at peace with her childhood because of her involvement with the church and God. I left the church in 2005--it's a long story why, but suffice to say that's when things started hitting the fan and people were less than supportive. Also, while my friend had a rough childhood, it wasn't at all similar to mine in the abuse aspect so it's like comparing apples to oranges. That's neither here nor there, what hurts is her periodically bringing up that the BPD isn't real, and I'm actually just oppressed and need to come back to church. It feels invalidating, and believe me, I tried to dig in when I was in the church...how can you dig in and feel accepted when people don't even believe you are ill?? Anyway. Other than that, I'm pretty good.

[Achy Turtle Armor]

Originally Posted by misskeena

I'm okay (better than I had been over the last few weeks). My best friend of 17 years, however, tried to bring up (again) how my diagnosis of BPD probably isn't correct and my issue is more than likely spiritual oppression, how she is at peace with her childhood because of her involvement with the church and God. I left the church in 2005--it's a long story why, but suffice to say that's when things started hitting the fan and people were less than supportive. Also, while my friend had a rough childhood, it wasn't at all similar to mine in the abuse aspect so it's like comparing apples to oranges. That's neither here nor there, what hurts is her periodically bringing up that the BPD isn't real, and I'm actually just oppressed and need to come back to church. It feels invalidating, and believe me, I tried to dig in when I was in the church...how can you dig in and feel accepted when people don't even believe you are ill?? Anyway. Other than that, I'm pretty good.

I'm sorry she is not understanding.

[Achy Turtle Armor]

Possible trigger:

SI, SU

Where did my joy go? I feel dead inside. When I woke this morning my eyes were swollen from crying so much last night and I'm afraid it's going to happen again. I don't know what is happening to me. Yes, I'm worried about money but I am presently doing the best I can. Sure, I have waited until the last minute but it is only my fault.

When I see my therapist next week I will tell him that I have to go to monthly again. I wish I had never met him. This is probably the reason behind this suffering I am going through. The idea that I have to go to monthly is killing me. Honestly I am about to hyperventilate.

Surely I will get over this but I can't see that far ahead. I shouldn't be this sad. I shouldn't be this attached. I shouldn't love someone who can never reciprocate. I shouldn't feel like I'd rather die than stop seeing him. I shouldn't hold him up so high. I shouldn't think that someday we can be friends. Maybe the best thing to do us just end it... The relationship.

I'll only find another and suffer the same way. Has he told me how to stop this? Do I have the answer that I have forgotten? I am sobbing here. F*** this! I just need to stop. Where are my f****** b*****?

Now I feel guilty that my dogs have to live with such a wreck of a person. I am sorry but I can't do this anymore. I feel like I am dying slowly. I don't feel safe.

Originally Posted by Achy Turtle Armor

Possible trigger:

SI, SU

Where did my joy go? I feel dead inside. When I woke this morning my eyes were swollen from crying so much last night and I'm afraid it's going to happen again. I don't know what is happening to me. Yes, I'm worried about money but I am presently doing the best I can. Sure, I have waited until the last minute but it is only my fault.

When I see my therapist next week I will tell him that I have to go to monthly again. I wish I had never met him. This is probably the reason behind this suffering I am going through. The idea that I have to go to monthly is killing me. Honestly I am about to hyperventilate.

Surely I will get over this but I can't see that far ahead. I shouldn't be this sad. I shouldn't be this attached. I shouldn't love someone who can never reciprocate. I shouldn't feel like I'd rather die than stop seeing him. I shouldn't hold him up so high. I shouldn't think that someday we can be friends. Maybe the best thing to do us just end it... The relationship.

I'll only find another and suffer the same way. Has he told me how to stop this? Do I have the answer that I have forgotten? I am sobbing here. F*** this! I just need to stop. Where are my f****** b*****?

Now I feel guilty that my dogs have to live with such a wreck of a person. I am sorry but I can't do this anymore. I feel like I am dying slowly. I don't feel safe.

I'm behind the eight ball...is there some transference with your T?

I honestly (thankfully) have never had this happen to me, and I think it's hard for me to let strangers in so I always hold my T's at arms length. Also, I've had females for the last decade and prior to that the men were really weird. I have always wondered what I would do in this situation. I believe I would have to seek out another T because when transference is happening, it is no longer a therapeutic relationship, but who the heck knows what would really happen? I mean, I have crossed a sort of line in my mind with my stylist with whom I had some significant things in common and really let myself fall for, and I think it would be better for both of us if I sought out another stylist but...I'm still booked for two weeks from now. (Whatever, it'll be fine. He's not my T. He's just a guy.)

Anyway, my point is, do you think maybe it may be more beneficial to you in the long run (though you may feel terribly about it) for you to seek out another T? I hate to see that this is causing you pain, and we tend to only put out fires when it comes to our emotional wellbeing. What is the best thing for you long-term?

OH I forgot to say (check-in wise)...I have an appointment on the 24th with a new T for the first time in a year. I'm going to be optimistic. I'm going to try really hard. I'm going to do my best to work on what she tells me I should and not be stubborn. I have 20 sessions with my current insurance (thanks, Obama!) so I'm going to make the most of it.

[dancinglady]

[QUOTE=Achy Turtle Armor;4337218]

Possible trigger:

SI, SU

Where did my joy go? I feel dead inside. When I woke this morning my eyes were swollen from crying so much last night and I'm afraid it's going to happen again. I don't know what is happening to me. Yes, I'm worried about money but I am presently doing the best I can. Sure, I have waited until the last minute but it is only my fault.

When I see my therapist next week I will tell him that I have to go to monthly again. I wish I had never met him. This is probably the reason behind this suffering I am going through. The idea that I have to go to monthly is killing me. Honestly I am about to hyperventilate.

Surely I will get over this but I can't see that far ahead. I shouldn't be this sad. I shouldn't be this attached. I shouldn't love someone who can never reciprocate. I shouldn't feel like I'd rather die than stop seeing him. I shouldn't hold him up so high. I shouldn't think that someday we can be friends. Maybe the best thing to do us just end it... The relationship.

I'll only find another and suffer the same way. Has he told me how to stop this? Do I have the answer that I have forgotten? I am sobbing here. F*** this! I just need to stop. Where are my f****** b*****?

Now I feel guilty that my dogs have to live with such a wreck of a person. I am sorry but I can't do this anymore. I feel like I am dying slowly. I don't feel safe.

I have been there with a T try to get another one. This relationship from
My experience will not end well. I was fired from therapy because of these exact issues. The T got overwhelmed and literally threw me out of his office told me I was his worst patient and that I had not changed in 9 years. He told me to never come back and that I was a dependent *********.

[Tsukiko]

I'm beyond tired of clinging and depending. I'm destroyed every time my relationships fall apart and they always do.
I'm so frustrated and sad. -_-

[Achy Turtle Armor]

Originally Posted by dancinglady

I have been there with a T try to get another one. This relationship from
My experience will not end well. I was fired from therapy because of these exact issues. The T got overwhelmed and literally threw me out of his office told me I was his worst patient and that I had not changed in 9 years. He told me to never come back and that I was a dependent *********.

I'm sorry that happened to you. I have to say two things though. One, that was not helpful. Two, as paranoid as I am of losing my T, it's not because he can't handle me but rather because he wants to retire, move away, or might die. I've been with my T for over ten years and though it looks like he sucks because I am such a mess there's more to my story than it seems. I have no energy to explain yet again but I'm sure it's on the PC forums more than once.