[palemoss]

is this a common feeling for folks with bpd? i feel guilty after every temper tantrum, cuss out, and break up i have......... i can't seem to forgive myself.

i hate crawling back and apologizing for the guilt.

it's so hard to just wait it out til the guilt and bad feeling disappears on its own (which it invariably does).

[silver tree]

I find shame and embarrassment and self loathing more than actual guilt. I do get very guilty about things but they tend to be things after more time. It is not easy though either way. I try and avoid things when they get too much too and become defensive, so it can become s vicious circle in itself.

I do feel for you x

[Espresso]

Yes to all of the above.

Originally Posted by silver tree

I find shame and embarrassment and self loathing more than actual guilt. I do get very guilty about things but they tend to be things after more time. It is not easy though either way. I try and avoid things when they get too much too and become defensive, so it can become s vicious circle in itself.

I do feel for you x

Me too ! It sucks, till you forget about it.

[misfit77]

Yep-I beat myself up over guilt a lot

[LOSTnowFOUND]

Yes all the time.

[AccidentalEnemy]

Yea.. I often call myself a *****. For reasons I act differently contrary to others actions I observe.

[silver tree]

Originally Posted by lilodian4ever

Me too ! It sucks, till you forget about it.

It's a constant back and forth though, between feeling a terrible person and struggling to express that due to the shame. To that all building up and me wanting out of that mind frame and to feel happy with who I am. Sometimes I feel like it is hopeless trying and I might as well be a terrible person cause that's all I'll ever be regardless. Those times I think I am at my worst

I also don't like to look at how I am being sometimes, as it rains on my fun & egoistical parade. This can cause me to be very selfish and apathetic, that eventually turns on myself, doing things that will harm me, I crash, and then the whole shame and disappointment in me starts again.

Do people with BPD feel like you are different people at different times?

I often worry I have a side of me that is very bad and narcissistic, angry and careless and when I am it, it's ALL of me and I will never be able to stop that taking over I wish to throw it out and always feel happy and loving and connected to my understanding and kind and compassionate side

[Harmacy]

Do people with BPD feel like you are different people at different times?

I often worry I have a side of me that is very bad and narcissistic, angry and careless and when I am it, it's ALL of me and I will never be able to stop that taking over I wish to throw it out and always feel happy and loving and connected to my understanding and kind and compassionate side

Totally. This is the essence of BPD for me.

I also behave like a complete narcissist when my rage levels are triggered. I'm the only one in the room who matters, it's all about me and my fragile ego. But the painful thing about BPD is we get to look back at that state later from a more stable perspective and feel the shame and guilt.

Sometimes I think it would be easier to be a narcissist 24/7, at least it would be consistent. But then my ultimate aim is to integrate all sides of my personality and I recognize I have a problem and it's ultimately my problem, not other people's (in a way narcissists probably cannot acknowledge). I feel like I'm stuck in development and am almost there but keep tripping up.

Only yesterday I woke up in a rage at my upstairs neighbour making noise early (he often wakes me early when going to work). The red mist came down and I started shouting and swearing loud enough for him to hear me. My voice entirely changed and I felt confident and energized in that moment. Now I've gone back to feeling like a shamed child. On a positive note, he's being much quieter today

[silver tree]

I also behave like a complete narcissist when my rage levels are triggered. I'm the only one in the room who matters, it's all about me and my fragile ego.

Yeah, I know that feeling. The rage comes from being overwhelmed at times though. I feel bombarded with pressures or like things are made so difficult by life and others, that I just explode. I have a wicked tongue and a bad temper & attitude at those times

I also have a sort of 'party gal' or deliberately arrogant part of me too. Where I feel I want to be outrageous or opinionated and I lash out at anyone who I feel wants to dampen that. Do BPD people have that too? or is that just me being awful

Sometimes I think it would be easier to be a narcissist 24/7, at least it would be consistent.

I have had that feeling before. Sometimes I think it is just because I long for the linear emotional stability. To feel nothing and get rid of the ups and downs. I also worry about being that though (no disrespect to NPD people) because I worry that the more I bury emotions I can't handle and avoid looking at me and feeling ashamed or acting on the gut retching guilt and empathy, the more I will become the other.

But then my ultimate aim is to integrate all sides of my personality and I recognize I have a problem and it's ultimately my problem, not other people's

It is hard though, isn't it. I feel like I switch from one person to another and can (in a surface way) relate to people with MPD. I love the open, loving person I am, but that person is also vulnerable, ditzy, and I don't have my wits about me at those times. Frightening to be.

I feel like I'm stuck in development and am almost there but keep tripping up.

I feel that too. Other times I feel a mess of a person and incapable of change too though. I am avoidant, destructive and extremely defeatist too. All of these culminating in my going back to places/behaviours I don't want to be in. It all wears me down and I don't feel like I am a person a lot of the time. Just an empty pattern of emotional states and behaviours, all wrapped up in a useless, unstable package.

The red mist came down/I've gone back to feeling like a shamed child. On a positive note, he's being much quieter today

Never a healthy balance On that same positive note, irrational and rage does get results at times lol

I used to be darker, then I got lighter, then I got dark again

I like you signature I lost the light a while ago and can't find it anywhere x

[Trippin2.0]

Yes the guilt, shame and embarrassment has been known to eat me up alive, and then I dedicate all my efforts toward making up for my atrocious behaviour, while I drown in my self-loathing...

In fact, one of my favourite lyrics goes like this;

"I know a thing about contrition, because I have enough to spare..."

[silver tree]

"I know a thing about contrition, because I have enough to spare..."

I like that. One of mine is ~

These days I sit on corner stones
And count the time in quarter tones to ten, my friend
Don't confront me with my failures
I had not forgotten them

I still feel guilty for cutting off people that I know feel absolutely no guilt about all the hurt and trauma they've caused me. Feel like I've abandoned them.

I feel guilty at even the most legitimate outburst because I feel I have no right to defend myself. I deserve it.

It seems to be part of my self blame process. I deserve what they did to me because everything is my fault. Everything is my fault because I am evil. I am evil because even my own parents don't love me.

I can trace the source. I don't know how to fix it.

[Harmacy]

Originally Posted by silver tree

I also have a sort of 'party gal' or deliberately arrogant part of me too. Where I feel I want to be outrageous or opinionated and I lash out at anyone who I feel wants to dampen that. Do BPD people have that too? or is that just me being awful

I get that sometimes. Usually though it takes a drink or two to get me there and I can become arrogant and quick to speak out and sometimes start swearing like a bad 80s action movie (which is embarrassing to remember later). It's so odd as that's the opposite to my normal quiet and reserved self and I don't get those urges to be outrageous then so it's not like I'm holding back or anything. So it does sometimes seem like MPD and must be confusing for others.

btw, my signature is from a lyric by Bill Callahan from the sublime album - 'Sometimes I Wish We Were an Eagle'.

[silver tree]

Thank you for answering Harmacy

I can become arrogant and quick to speak out and sometimes start swearing like a bad 80s action movie (which is embarrassing to remember later).

Yeah I am just an overbearing, cocky idiot when I am like it. Makes me cringe to think about. Not only the behaviour but the lack of respect for others and also self respect. That can leave me feeling a bit violated by the sort of attention I attract at times My own fault but it still hurts.

I feel I have little control over me sometimes

Bill Callahan from the sublime album - 'Sometimes I Wish We Were an Eagle

Just gonna give it a listen, thanks x

[Snoopysmom]

I'm guilty of everything I and everyone else can think and do.

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[dolphin20017]

I'm always apologizing. I've been told that I have nothing to apologize for, but I still apologize for no reason....