Transitional Objects - self soothing

Hey everyone,

This is a subject I am extraordinarily embarrassed to talk about. I've been contemplating bringing it up in therapy before - but I have only hinted at it. I think my therapist at one point may have caught on, but perhaps not.

Anyways, thought it would be fun to share here and perhaps there are others who can relate on some level. Please feel free to respond if you relate to anything I'm about to write...

Every-time I get sad, lonely, anxious, depressed - empty or feeling bombarded by stress - I have a deep desire (even compulsion) to go out and get something. In my case, this particular something happens to be diapers...

(That was really hard for me to admit. I hope no one hates me...)

I have recently learned that it may in fact be called a transitional object. According to several websites, (I don't know how to officially reference on here - so I will just copy words), this is the definition of a transitional object: "A comfort object, transitional object, or security blanket is an item used to provide psychological comfort, especially in unusual or unique situations, or at bedtime for small children."

I have had this desire for as long as I can remember. I remember being 4 or 5 and wanting to wear them - but wasn't allowed to. Over the years I have suppressed the desires - and only recently have I started to wear them when I am in the middle of turmoil and deep emotional pain. When I am in emotional pain, I have dreams - deep-rooted dreams, vivid and sometimes recurring dreams - about wearing diapers. In the dreams: I feel safe and whole and nurtured. I feel looked after and loved. I feel free. I'd say that is my primary attraction to them. My desire to wear is greatly intensified when I am in terrible emotional pain - otherwise - they rarely, if ever; come into mind. When I am doing well I do not need them - and often times struggle with guilt for needing or wanting such a thing. I have battled with self esteem in relation to these desires - unsure what to think about it and ultimately coming to a conclusion that I may in some way - be a horrible person because of it.

Anyways, they do work for me. They calm me down and bring a level of security that I lack out and in the world. For that reason I've come to see them as a tool to utilize when I am out of control and must self soothe when no one else is around to help.

Does anyone else relate to this? Does anyone else have objects that they find a deep-rooted attraction to? Perhaps something that you have been doing for years but never knew why?


Thanks,
HD7970GHZ

Thanks for trusting us enough to share. what you are saying makes total sense. I don't have a transitional object but I do identify with what you are saying in that I do have a place I go, an imaginary world, and I am too embarrassed to tell t about that also. but it helps me and makes me feel safe. I may be wrong, but I don't think t needs to know if it isn't hindering your life at all. sharing that you have a transitional object that makes you feel safe is enough I think. unless you want to stop of course. then you may need to share what. take care and again, thanks for sharing.

it must have been very difficult for you to share this very intimate part of yourself, and I commend you for that. I think we all have something that comforts us, mine is eating. Yours just happens to be different to mine and that's ok.
Best wishes

Mines also comfort eating - battered sausages xxx

I think that your comfort object isn't hurtful to you or anyone else, therefore there is no medical reason why you should come forward and share this intimate information with your T. There isn't any major reason not to share either though. Whatever YOU feel comfortable & safe with is what's best for you, in this situation.

We have our tools, to help us get through the very dark times. Some tools aren't real healthy either ~ and that's when we have a good reason to get back in charge of regulating our emotions in a healthy way. There is nothing harmful in your emotional regulation tool...so, Kudos! to you.

Thank you guys and gals,

That was very hard for me to admit and I even shy'd away from the forums for a few days because of it. I thank you for being understanding and non-judgmental.

I will absolutely bring this up in my therapy now that I'm starting DBT soon. I think it might bring insight into some of my problems, if not - explore the reasons for these desires and comforts that I have... It's really strange. I can control it, it does not control me nor does it affect anyone else in my life - so it is not a detriment to my life in anyway that I can see.

One thing that has come to mind over the years - is that it is a form of regression, and perhaps by doing it over time I am in a way - choosing to step back rather than forward... Maybe, I dunno - it's confusing for me because I'm the one it effects...

Thank you for being honest and understanding. That helps me more than you will know.

HD7970Ghz

I have rewritten this post about 15 times and am even now hestent to add my two cents.

First the term for people who have a desire to wear diapers is a diaper lover you can search more about it by googling AB/DL.

My earliest memory is of the same desire. In my case I was an only son with 3 sisters all of whom wet the bed. My mother who also suffered from BPD, spent the majority of her time (20+ hours a day) on the couch listening to music to drown out her thoughts. The only interaction with any of us in a non-abusive manor was to put diapers on my sisters each night. I was always sent to my room at that time to be alone. Needless to say I now associate feelings of comfort with them.

Ironically, I hate this about myself and try desperately from fulfilling this desire. For the most part I am successful but in periods of high stress I find my thoughts (and yes dreams as well) draw to them. If I give in however I feel good until the stress passes then I hate myself for giving in. Its a self abusive cycle. Unfortunately it is one of my few coping mechanisms and I'm still looking for a way to replace it.

All of that being said as long as you do not fall into that type of cycle its all good and you don't really need to bring it up, if yo are looking for support from other DL's there are forums that can help you with it PM me and I can send you more informatio.. On the other hand if you do fall into the same cycle as I do, it is important that you share with your therapist. The best way I have found to do this is to write it down and then hand it to him/her. From experince I wouldn't expect anything more then a raised eyebrow. Most seem as uncomfortable as I was in discussing it (although this might be my seeing reactions and feelings that aren't there) and none had experience in dealing with it and at the least needed to research it.

Anyway that's my take on it I hope I didn't weird anyone out.

I guess this isn't the same as my blanket that I sleep with. I don't travel with it but it does go with me to the psych hospital when I have to go. I also suck my thumb when I am feeling very vulnerable and need some comfort. Again, not sure it's the same.

It is indeed, the object changes from person to peron but the feelings of comfort are the same. It is just in my case it is followed by self loathing, probably due to humilation tacitics employed when potty trained.

When I was younger, around 4-5, I begged my mom for a baby bottle and she finally relented just to get me to stop sucking my pointer finger which I still did until I was about 8.

Now I just suck my thumb, but do it all the time, which makes sense because my brain is always in turmoil at some level even when I'm "stable." That is one of my deepest, darkest secrets; there is no one in my life who knows that about me. At least, I don't think they do. I know I don't come off as someone who has it totally together 100% of the time, but most people find me to be reasonably strong, confident, and unafraid. Boy do I fool them, hey? I would be mortified if they knew I suck my thumb. If I spent the night with significant others and they found me sucking my thumb, I laughed it off and said it was a quirk, that it happened when I had nightmares...and then I found a way not to spend the whole night again.

Surprisingly, my teeth aren't as messed up as you'd think they'd be. They're crooked, but not bad at all. The only issue I've had is the power struggle I had with my dentist when he wanted me to wear a bite splint at night for grinding and I flat out refused (because how could I be grinding my teeth at night if I'm sucking my thumb? But I am not admitting that to him.) I conceded to buy the $50 temporary, wore it for two nights having terrible sleep and nightmares, refused to wear it again and canceled my appointment for the permanent splint. He never mentioned it again.

Totally understand. I have a small piece of rabbit fur that I rub on my upper lip to soothe me. I've only ever told my Priest (and now here). I said it was childish and he said "No. Child like." I don't go around telling or showing people because it would be embarrassing, but when I'm alone I don't see anything wrong with it. Thanks for sharing.

I'm surprised how many people relate to this!

I also have a pillow that I've always retreated to when stressed. The strange thing is both of these things for me are useful in bed... Maybe as a child I would need something in bed to comfort myself when my parents were away...

I told my therapist that I wear diapers for comfort.

She asked why.

I said because it feels like a constant hug...

I had a panic attack for a few minutes. Bawled my eyes out. She had to calm me down - do a breathing exercise.

Then she said I must have not been nurtured much as a child.

She hit the core.

Hi HD my friend

Yes, I have certainly heard of people having transitional objects for soothing objects.

It's obviously a manifestation of an underlying need.

It makes you feel safe and secure.

I'd recommend bringing it up with your T.

They've heard it all before, this will be nothing new.

Take care chat buddy

I have a teddy bear that I use to ground myself. The bear I use is very special to me as it was given to me following a miscarriage. I took the bear to the psych hospital with me. I heard someone mention it being on my bed but ignored what they said about it. Whenever I am having a really rough time I hold onto my Bailey-bear and it helps calm me.

For me it's an image.

I probably look at it so long at night/morning that I've worsened my already damaged eyes!

It's of someone I feel to be on a different plain entirely. Maybe not having felt that way towards anyone before denotes fascination more than anything else. I don't know. I want it to be love. Maybe it's my kind of love for that kind of situation.

I know I don't want to unpin the whole thing. I have to have something. And they are my something.

Hooligan - I did tell my T. She was very understanding.

Hi, HD.
I am new to this site, but have already found a lot of good information. I found your thread today and had to respond!
I have very similar behaviors as you when it comes to wearing diapers when I am in turmoil or stressed out. I have done this since I was 4 or 5 years old as well as a way to calm down and relax.
I've always felt like I was the only one and never knew where to find more information on why I do this.
I've never heard the words "Transitional Object", but it makes complete sense! The only form of physical/emotional nurturing I had as a child involved my mom and diapers. I had a VERY stressful childhood. I had a very low self esteem, was illegally home schooled, was forced to lie to my friends about it, was a bed wetter until age 14 and my mother put diapers on my every night. At the time is was just another humiliating aspect of my life, but over time it became a comforting compulsion.
I had a blanket and sucked my thumb until that age as well. All of these things I associated with comfort. Like you, when I'm doing well and am relaxed I don't need them, but most times I only feel truly relaxed and at peace when I'm wearing them. Unlike you, it completely controls me and affects my relationship/intimacy with my wife.
Which is why I'm here. I need to find answers and hopefully a way to end the behavior.
Living Dead Guy made some helpful points as well...
Anyway, thanks for sharing and if you have any other info/insight please sure I found this very helpful.

Hey Scott J,

I am happy that you relate to this! I think there are a lot of people who do! Maybe they just aren't ready to share it yet.

I want to respond to this as detailed as I can - as I think we can better understand this topic - so I will respond to this later and I will share everything I know about it. All I know is there are a lot of us out there - and by delving into the matter I have come to realize important things about myself...

Thanks,
HD7970ghz

That would be great. I'm really searching for answers and would love to share information. I hope tohear from you soon. Thanks again.

I use to have a Teddy bear back in Australia that was given to me when I was born and I used it up until I moved to Canada, whenever I felt stressed I would hug it. Now I do it with my pillow, so I am able to relate to it.

I love the sound, the texture, the softness, the security of wearing diapers. It's so ingrained I don't even know where to begin explaining feelings. It just overwhelms me sometimes. It can even be stronger than sexual desires. I've always wanted to wear diapers for as long as I can remember. Even in my earliest memories. Like age 3 and 4! I remember feeling very calm and loved whenever I wore one. It was the feeling of being hugged that I liked the most. I remember chasing my cousin around our family home at christmas - jealous that she got to wear diapers still. I might have been age 5 or 6... I would periodically steal diapers from my neighbors house. I wanted so badly to wear them. I think I even asked my Mom when I was really young and she didn't let me of course.

Around grade 3 I was making makeshift diapers out of grocery bags and kleenex. I had associated my early sexuality with wearing them. I even enjoyed wetting myself in them - the thought of wetting the bed was both arousing and something I very much desired. Perhaps it was the idea of being a baby again - and receiving unconditional love / nurture - from wetting my bed.

This is when I started dreaming about wearing diapers. I would have wet dreams about it - even about my mother... It was very hard to understand and I hated myself for these thoughts and feelings. In response - I suppressed my unconscious desires for diapers and for my mother - judging myself for having them and labeling myself as a bad person...

Over the years - I began to experience triggers upon hearing the word "diaper." I would hear television commercials for huggies or see diapers in the isles in stores and I would immediately be caught up in an elating experience. I would get turned on very fast. It was very strange. I felt very uncomfortable about this - and so I never indulged in my desires. I never even masturbated until grade 9 because I thought it was a bad thing...

Around grade 9 my feelings got very intense again. I began wearing layers of plastic bags at night - filled with absorbent pads from swiffers! LOL. I thought it was the best thing ever! I would wet these things and masturbate in them. It was a major discovery for me! It gave me something to look forward to while I was dealing with major depression and wanting to die.

I continued wearing plastic bags to meet these desires until I was 20 or so... And then I began having (what I believe, were) uncontrollable compulsions in the middle of the night- to wear diapers. Almost every night I would dream - so I went out to the nearest 24 hour pharmacy and meandered through the diaper section. I was absolutely terrified with the whole idea of buying diapers. I would spend an hour contemplating whether or not I should buy them - made myself look like a thief for sure. Sometimes I wouldn't buy anything and I would have wasted an entire evening feeling compulsion to go out and buy... It was extraordinarily embarrassing and I hated myself for these feelings as much as I loved them... It was a battle with identity for sure - one which I still battle to this day.

I went to university when I was 23 - for a year and a half. During that time I wore diapers almost every night. I loved it. I wanted to make myself incontinent. I wanted to lose control of my bladder each night and wake up wet the next day. It was strange - but it was a very strong desire. So I practiced wetting myself at night - while laying down - while wearing a diaper. The more I did it - the more I would have accidents at night. I began to love this part of myself - despite how odd and disturbing it may seem. It was a way to self-soothe in some of the darkest times of my life. It did not hurt anyone - so I continued doing it.

I have been in therapy for many years - and not once did I ever bring this up. The first time I mentioned this in therapy was about a month ago and I only mentioned I liked to wear diapers for comfort. I plan to explore it more because I think there's a lot of information there that could explain why I am the way I am. Ultimately I believe it points to some very important aspects of my childhood that I may have blocked out. Perhaps trauma.

In my search for answers - I have found that A LOT of children have transitional objects at some point in their lives. They had to in order to fulfill their needs for love and nurture while their parents were unable to be there... Over time - people typically outgrow these things into their adulthood -and find other sources of love and nurture - replacing them with more adult-like things.

I have found that many borderlines happen to have transitional objects well into their adult lives - and that it becomes a very important aspect to their ability to self-regulate and build love for themselves. I am one of these people. Throughout my entire life I have also had a pillow case that I absolutely hate being separated from. I remember coming home from school and looking forward to lying on my bed and rubbing my pillow case between my fingers. It was amazing!

There's a lot more I could say - but I want to think about it too. Let me know if you relate to any of this. I want to hear your story too!

Thanks,
HD

I find it very common for people to have a transitional object, as it's something they can relate too, feel good about themselves because of memory, or help them feel emotional comfort.

Hi H-D, thank you for sharing your story. There are a lot of similarities between my story and yours.
I've recently discovered that talking about this behavior in anyway is helpful and therapeutic too me because I've kept it hidden for so long despite leading a very normal, All-American lifestyle.
I too gain a great level of comfort and arousal from the sound, texture and feeling of security that wearing diapers brings. I am very particular about the feel (texture?) of the diapers I wear and how I wear them. I only wear adult disposable and they have to be the thick plastic-covered kind, never cloth. The brands I prefer are Secure Xplus, Cushies, and Depends. And I always wear two at a time.
Like you, I can remember being drawn to them as young as 5 or 6 years old. Later, at age 8-9 I would steal them from my younger cousin (and felt very guilty and ashamed about it).
Now my story has other aspects to it as well.
I received very little physical nurturing from my parents throughout my entire life. My parents are very good people, but they lacked in that department.
I was illegally home schooled until I reached college (talk about a culture shock) and was forced by my parents to stay home (I wanted to go to school) and lie about where we went to school. My self esteem was non-existent.
On top of that I wet my bed until age 15 and my mother would put me in different forms of diapers every night until I was 13 or 14. I've discovered through my very limited about therapy that probably has a lot to do with the manifestation of this behavior.
That was then only form of nurturing I had. And it was extremely humiliating (especially when friends would spend the night).
On top of all that I was molested by our regular baby sitter from ages 8 to 10 (when we finally moved) and was unable to get up the nerve to tell my parents.
Once or twice a month she would watch my brother and I at night. This required her to help me put my diaper on at bedtime (my mother didn't trust me to do it alone). While doing this she would rub my penis either before or after she put the diaper on. Around the time I turned 10 I began to ejaculate, which was terrifying. She would then tell me I was disgusting and spank me until I cried.
I hid this until last year when I finally told a therapist for the first time (it felt great to get that off my mind after 30-plus years!).
After we moved I continued the behavior as best as a I could. When I was 15 or 16 I would buy diapers at the drug store (very secretly) and that has continued to this day. I keep a supply in my attic.
This obsession has led to many problems with relationships and intimacy as you can imagine. I've been married for 11 years and my wife has very limited knowledge of it. She has found them on occasion and I've to tried (and failed) to explain it. We rarely have sex and when we do I am petrified I will disappoint her. I have never achieved an orgasm during sex, but am able have powerful and frequent orgasms while wear diapers.
I want more than anything to please her and have a normal relationship, but this compulsion is way too overpowering. I'm afraid I may never find a solution, which I why I'm on this site. Therapy may speed up the process, but it is difficult and frustrating because I haven't been able to find anyone knowledgeable about this.
This site has been much more helpful so far. For example I'd never heard of a transitional object until now.
Anyway, that was a mouthful and any feedback you, or anyone else, can provide would be greatly appreciated.

Thank you

How was your session? Hope it went well. Congrats on making it through the weekend using your skills.