Taking a nose dive

I'm not doing well at all.

This is what happens when I open myself up to being attracted to someone: 1. They are super attentive to me, because they do like me and find me interesting (as a friend) because we have whatever in common. 2. We bond a bit 3. I let my guard down a bit and let myself finally like someone. 4. My guard is down...now I read into everything. I have no filter. 5. I become an anxious mess. 6. I find out that what I was reading into was intended for someone else.

Never. Fails. I told my friend a month or more ago that I didn't want to hope with this guy because this would probably happen. She was like, "You always have to hope!" And look what happened. (I don't actually know concretely that there is someone else. But I'm about 85% sure.)

This just ripped the scab off of my relationship issues, the scab I've been trying to just turn into a scar, you know? I know I don't connect with people in general. I know I have never, ever connected with men. I know I will never have a normal relationship. But I've been trying to ignore how much it hurts, focus on what I do have. Focus on the superficial. Ignore how much I want to connect with people. Ignore how much I want a real relationship. And it was mainly working.

Now this, and especially after my therapy session this afternoon... I'm in so much pain. I don't want my life to be all about my career and how many degrees I can earn. I can't cuddle next to a master's degree in a frame at night. I don't want to live without connections in my life. I can't live like this anymore.

Youre putting yourself out there to meet some people of your intellectual caliber. I think it - the work, the wait - will be worth it. At the very least, you will be doing good work and contributing THAT to the world. And speaking as an old person, that is gratifying. Dont let these bad feelings now keep you from reaching your goals. That is something i struggle with - getting sidetracked.

I'm really not though. I met this person by chance. And I could have just asked him out for coffee, but I didn't. Heck, I still could (even if he is with someone else, he has female friends) but I feel like I made a fool of myself. I don't even know that he knows I read into everything, but that's how I perceive it.

Everything in me wants to email him and just freaking ask him for clarification. I've started to about three times tonight but I can't think of how I would do that without sounding like a crazy person. The last email we exchanged was in February, and it was just the one about his mother.

He really isn't what this is about. Because even if he were to be interested in me, look at how I'm reacting. I can't handle ambiguity. I can't handle distress. I'm sitting here wanting to die because of the fact that someone I've seen exactly four times may have just started dating someone else. This is about the fact that nothing has changed from the last time I was with someone until now. So how could I know that and still be with him, especially when he grew up with a mentally ill mother? Come on...that would be irresponsible of me.

No. This is about the fact that I want to be normal and I never will be.

Update: I have clarification. Not because I asked him, because he posted it on social media. I read into everything (but to be fair, everything he used to describe her could describe me as well so...I'm not totally out there). I have decided to find another stylist...obviously that's best, probably should have done it a while ago.

But that just goes back to the original issue: I just want to be normal. And instead, I'm sitting here talking about the one thing in my life that I cannot navigate without being delusional. It's embarrassing, and it breaks my heart into little pieces. Takes something away from me every time.

I'm so sorry your hurting MK.

Attachment can be so painful, especially when we become attached to the wrong people.


That's the whole reason I suggested you attempt to talk to him, or email him, to clear the muddy water, so you know where you stand before the attachment grows and the reading into everything spirals, because this has been my best weapon against this particular monster.


I do understand however, that this is not an option for you as you have articulated your reasoning, I'm just trying to clarify why I'd rather risk so much beforehand.


You'll get through this, just remember to be kind to yourself and to try and use healthy distractions to help you get by.


I'm thinking of you.

I just didn't know what to say, you know? "Hi, I like the stuff you're posting on Instagram. Is it about me? Thanks, bye." Anything I could have written just sounded weird to me. I think I can just chalk it up to don't read into things, ever. Because it has always, always gotten me into trouble.

I'm okay, really. I'm pretty sad; I do feel like I've lost something. Which is so stupid. But I liked talking to him, and he did a great job on my hair. I will miss him. But on the other hand, I no longer have a distraction from what is important to me, and that is my degree. My long-term goal is to move out of state, which wouldn't have happened if I were with someone who lives here, who is attached to here because they have a child who lives here. So it's not like I feel lost and have nothing. I just feel sad, and a little mad at myself for going on this ride yet again.

Well feeling loss is understandable.

You lost hope, opportunity, a dream / fantasy.


And while it may not seem like a "relevant" loss, it is. It's actually why I grieved my last relationship.


He was an abusive ahole, but all my hopes and dreams for our future were shattered and that had me feeling lost and hopeless.


FTR, I didn't mean you were to confess your feelings, just an email to invite him for a friendly convo over coffee and then from there work relationship status into the convos whether via email or in person. Didn't have to be a direct question, all the way from left field.


FWIW I think you're handling this like a champ!

Yes, I should have done that. When I emailed him to tell him why I was no longer returning to the salon, I said that: "I think you're an incredible person. I wish I knew you better; it seems we have some interesting things in common. Perhaps I should have taken the initiative during our initial email volley to get to know you better, but I was too nervous to do so." Maybe I need to take it as a learning experience. Him saying "No" wouldn't have killed me. This hurts a lot more than "No thank you" would have, and look at me, still living.

I don't have a choice not to handle this. I'm actually bawling my eyes out periodically today, and I skipped my clinical this morning because I woke up at about 130 this morning with a blinding migraine--I think that was from all the crying yesterday, which was from my therapy session. So now I'm stuck with this stupid alternative assignment paper.

The crying today is more to do with the fact that I'm angry and sad and indignant. It isn't fair; I didn't ask to be born, but I was. And the people who were supposed to raise me and care for me and nurture me and supply me with the blueprints for appropriately handling relationships of all kinds failed miserably. Every one of them. There wasn't a significant adult in my life as a child who didn't eff up. And now I have to deal with that. And they're still effing up. I have three sisters who got to grow up with my father and their mother in a loving, intact home; I didn't meet my father until I was 33, didn't know about my sisters until I was 29. They all have great friendships, significant others, one is having a baby. And none of them want anything to do with me. Neither does my father. Once they met me, I just didn't add up to the idea they'd built up in their minds over decades. It wasn't the Oprah reunion, so they decided they didn't want me as part of their lives. I mean, jeez...I'm a person, not an idea you can discard. But they discarded me, which is their stupid shortcoming, and their loss. But I have to deal with the fallout. I have to try to deal with the immense hole that repeated rejection and abandonment rips into me, even though my rational mind knows it's not my fault, because I don't have any kind of understanding of how to trust that my own self is enough. It just isn't fair. I know that's whiny and childish, but it freaking isn't.

I hear you, I do, and I don't hear whiny or childish, I wouldn't be engaging with you if I were, because I don't have much tolerance for either.


Probably not a very good reflection of myself, but at least I'm honest. *shrugs


What I hear is someone who has been hurt and abandoned by everyone who shouldn't have done either. What I hear is someone communicating the pain that's been caused by the damage others have left behind...


Hopefully when the pain subsides, you can view this as a learning curve, because it's true that life is full of lessons, but unfortunately for many of us, most of them don't get taught to us nicely.


((((((((((MK))))))))))

Hey...thanks everyone for your support.

I'm doing alright. I went out tonight with some of my emergency department crew. The husband of one of the PA's I work with is a CPA and they were celebrating the end of tax season, so we went out to a local brew pub (any excuse to go out is good for the ER people). It was good for me; it reminded me that people do like and care about me. At the very least, I'm a smart, good worker and they respect me. But beyond that, hey, they like my personality too. This particular PA has a few foster kids and, though she doesn't know the specifics of my childhood, she knows I was a foster kid and she cares about my success in graduating from nursing school and beyond. So anyway...yeah. I'm glad this little outing came at this particular time. I needed some perspective. I'm not perfect when it comes to relationships, but I'm not totally awful, either. So this guy didn't like me, so what? It's his loss. True, I repeat this cycle over and over but the point is that I'm not a total failure when it comes to relating to people because I work with a lot of people who like and care for me. And that's something.

And I was thinking on the way home...I'm acting like this guy is 100% emotionally stable when I'm not sure that is the case. He and I are likely two sides of the same coin, emotionally. He's just as effed up as I am, in some ways. Why am I beating myself up about this when I push people away all the damn time? It's not that I'm rejecting them. I'm just...pushing them away because that's what I do. Whatever, Idk, I'm over it. Eff him. Bye, Felicia. PS Mr. Scorpio, have fun with your yoga instructor/ballet dancer chic that may be much thinner and way more flexible but is so not as pretty as me and, I guarantee, not as smart or interesting. Get your kicks running up and down the shores of Lake Michigan building random fires like you've been posting on Instagram because that's only going to be fun for about five minutes. Or, literally, four months because we live in Michigan. Wait 'til fall when you're inside and have to have a conversation. #shouldapickedmesucker