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#1
Oct 10, 2016, 12:37 AM
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My mind is in a really dark place. My emotions are so erratic right now. It's just all over the map. I can't sleep right now. Tried to email T but it felt to discombobulated to make any sense. I see her Wednesday. Grrr! Guess I just needed to vent.
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 mindwrench, Pastel Kitten
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#2
Oct 10, 2016, 12:06 PM
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I hope this has passed some. We're here if you need to vent more!
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#3
Oct 10, 2016, 01:56 PM
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How are you feeling today? I hope your upcoming appointment goes well.
__________________
Do at least one thing you enjoy each day.   Dx: BPD, OCD, GAD, and PTSD traits Rx: Lamictal 200mg and 0.5mg Ativan as needed "Now I can see all the colors that you see." |
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#4
Oct 10, 2016, 02:57 PM
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It's still pretty intense. I could deal with the emotions if they didn't trigger such thoughts at times. I'm going to reattempt the email to T just as a heads up. I was so all over the place last night it made no sense. Anyway, I guess I better get up. My sleep is all jacked so I just woke up a few minutes ago.
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#5
Oct 10, 2016, 05:54 PM
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Going back to bed. I'm so over today.
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#6
Oct 10, 2016, 09:01 PM
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I hope you can get some decent sleep and feel better soon. Lack of sleep is the worst when you are emotionally unstable.
__________________
Do at least one thing you enjoy each day. Dx: BPD, OCD, GAD, and PTSD traits Rx: Lamictal 200mg and 0.5mg Ativan as needed "Now I can see all the colors that you see." |
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#7
Oct 10, 2016, 09:44 PM
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Never did fall asleep. I normally sleep 3-4 hours at a time twice a day. Which actually already happened earlier. I never did email T not even sure what to say. I feel so chaotic inside virtually all the time now. I'm gonna see T Wednesday and the really pushing myself to see a friend and her baby boy Thursday. I tried to cancel with but she insisted when I explained that I wasn't doing well albeit nothing serious(crisis level) at this point. If I email T what should I say to t?
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#8
Oct 10, 2016, 11:07 PM
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Email to T:
------ Hi T, I've tried to write this email 10x's in the last week or so. It just never seems to come very coherently. It always seems so discombobulated. So, I know when I rescheduled from Monday 10AM to Wednesday 2PM. I mentioned my sleep being all messed up well aside from that not getting better I have more to tell you. The first month and a half off meds I felt "normal", then for about three weeks I went numb. Now, for about three weeks things have been pretty erratic and intense emotionally. I seem to rotate(in a disorganized way) between anger, anxiety and numb. I find myself going from 0 to 100 in 0.2 seconds with either anxiety or anger over very minor things. Last week I pulled out my DBT stuff and have been trying to reincorporate that in an effort to gain some control over the situation...seems unsuccessful but it's only been a week so I'm going to give it more time. It's not even the emotional turbulence that really gets me. It's generally where my mind goes with higher intensities of emotion even though those thoughts, at this point of some form of self-harm not suicide-just to be clear, are NOT options. I'm safe just angry with the thoughts. Add to all of that, this reflective state I get in when I'm numb. Typically the reflective state is on the timeframe of from when I got back from Texas through essentially the first year with you. This creates an unnecessary anxiety about ending up back in that place.(I don't think it'll happen but I guess anything is possible) We know that's not helpful given you-know-who is in that timeframe. Also grandma is not doing real well and my uncle is still a Problem in the family. Anyway, enough for now. Hope this was coherent. Thanks, DelusionsDaily (PS-I'll bring the diary that goes through Monday. Yes, I forced myself to do a diary card again when I pulled out DBT.) ----- What do you think? |
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#9
Oct 11, 2016, 05:18 PM
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T texted me confirming tomorrows appointment and said we'd talk about my email tomorrow. She always responds via email to things like that so I'm a bit scared about scared of what she's thinking and even going to say. Now I'm wishing I had just waited to tell her in session. I probably won't sleep well worrying about what she is gonna say.
******** TRIGGER********* Thoughts of SH seriously increasing! ************************** Yuk! I despise my life right now. |
| Pastel Kitten
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#10
Oct 11, 2016, 05:40 PM
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Quote:
__________________
Do at least one thing you enjoy each day. Dx: BPD, OCD, GAD, and PTSD traits Rx: Lamictal 200mg and 0.5mg Ativan as needed "Now I can see all the colors that you see." |
 Trippin2.0
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#11
Oct 12, 2016, 02:10 AM
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So want to cancel therapy later. I see her in about 11 hours. I won't cancel but it sounds SO good.
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#12
Oct 12, 2016, 12:45 PM
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T in about 15 minutes. Sitting in the parking lot. Ugh! I wanna get just absolutely obliterated one night with some liquor. Hmmm...have to figure out when etc maybe some ****TRIGGER****
SH ****TRIGGER**** with it. |
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#13
Oct 12, 2016, 02:33 PM
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Better yet after that session
*****TRIGGER****** I wanna die. *****TRIGGER***** Everything is just stupid and pointless. I'm so over being alive. Not gonna do anything just pray I don't wake in the morning every morning until this passes. Some many f*****g triggers right now. Ugh! I'm f****d! |
| Pastel Kitten
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#14
Oct 12, 2016, 09:26 PM
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I'm glad that you were able to feel at least a little bit better after therapy, even if it wasn't by much. I've had those days as well, where I've left therapy only to continuously want to die and proceeded to binge drink later that same night or just cry. I very, very much know that feeling of not wanting to wake up in the morning. I'm so sorry you're going through so much pain. Just know that you are not alone, and I as well as others will always be here to support you, even when life is so unbearable.
__________________
Do at least one thing you enjoy each day. Dx: BPD, OCD, GAD, and PTSD traits Rx: Lamictal 200mg and 0.5mg Ativan as needed "Now I can see all the colors that you see." |
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#15
Oct 13, 2016, 09:03 AM
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Going to see a friend and her baby a little later. So, I'll talk to you guys tonight.
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| Pastel Kitten
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#16
Oct 15, 2016, 05:22 PM
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Ugh! More bad news about gma just now. Mom has been at the facility all day. Now waiting on news after hospice nurse visited today. Emergency visit not one of the normal scheduled visits. Waiting to hear more from mom about situation. My mom sister, my aunt couldn't reach her, so she said she might just head up there. Now that I think about it my mom's cell is on counter in the bathroom...here at home. Hello erratic emotions along with a headache I have had all day that has made me afraid to eat because of nausea. F••• my life. If grandma dies...I'm going to end up in hospital. I guess it upper respiratory infection from what my dad said but at 94 anything could be fatal. She's been on a pretty steady and speedy decline the last few weeks. Turn-around is not looking good...a lot of times she bounces back but I just don't see it this time.
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#17
Oct 15, 2016, 06:43 PM
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Sorry to hear about your grandma.
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#18
Oct 16, 2016, 03:15 AM
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Hospice was called in earlier. I know my mom headed up there to meet the nurse around 2:30 or 3am. So it was shortly before that. I'm going to head up there between 630 and 7am in about 2 1/2 - 3 hours. First I'm going to pack some food and drinks cuz I don't plan to leave for at least 24 hours if she makes it that long. I will probably text T to read emails one about grandma. Also give her an update. I'm...I'm...I don't even know. I've been praying for this day for her peace and because of her lacking any quality of life. However, I forgot how much pain I'm going to be in when she goes.
Know that if I don't respond later today...I still much appreciate your responses and am reading them. |
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