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#1
Sep 10, 2017, 10:44 AM
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this is it...
i dunno whats going to happen to me but its over i cant take it anymore, i try so hard to maintain but it doesnt matter, its breaking me down and it will be the end of me they said i cursed them out put on masks and walked across the field with a shotgun in black clothes even more stuff i dont remember any of it, im sick of it i hate my life, i dont know how the hospital can help
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 HowDoYouFeelMeow?, Shazerac, Teddy Bear
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#2
Sep 10, 2017, 01:34 PM
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Um if your cursing people and carrying around a weapon..... the hospital can prevent you from shooting yourself or someone else.
 you may feel that your life is not worth living at the moment, but you don't have the right to make that choice for another person.
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 Eat a live frog for breakfast every morning and nothing worse can happen to you that day! "Ask yourself whether the dream of heaven and greatness should be left waiting for us in our graves - or whether it should be ours here and now and on this earth.” Ayn Rand, Atlas Shrugged Bipolar type 2 rapid cycling DX 2013 - Seroquel 100 Celexa 20 mg Xanax .5 mg prn Modafanil 100 mg 
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 winter loneliness
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#3
Sep 10, 2017, 02:18 PM
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i dont know what happened
its not fair i dont even know if its true the said i was going to rob the neighbors and i did other things i cant even talk about i just cant do it anymore
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#4
Sep 10, 2017, 03:05 PM
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im goin to the hospital...
i just cant take it anymore... its just not fair...
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#5
Sep 10, 2017, 08:12 PM
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have a little time to write now...
i don't know whats going on with me.. i thought i was doing ok and that the medication was helping manage things... i've been so stressed out i think im just breaking again... i try so hard to manage all of the difficult feelings... i put forth a positive and nice face for everyone to accept and like and burry every thing else... i guess that im just exploding... people cant see how i can hate my life... they dont understand me at all... maybe im just at a critical mass... where its all too much... my entire life... there is nothing left to hold me down... i have no good things left for me to really fight for any more... i just dont want to go through this any more... im so weak its all coming out on its own... i black out... im such a nice person and have never done anything to anyone before... its just not fair i have to hurt so much... i dont want to hurt any more... i just want it to all go away... i dont want to have the past i have had... i dont even want a future anymore... not in this nasty world... its all perverted... i just dont want any of it... its just not fair... i want to make it all go away... i dont know what is going to happen to me... because i dont think there is anything anyone can do to help... i dont think there is anything that can fix me... but i dont want anyone else to see me dieing like this... im such a monster... trying my hardest to hide everything... but what kinda life is it when you have to live a fake too... i dont even know who i am anymore... what im thinking anymore... just sorry to everyone for ever being alive...
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| Fuzzybear, Shazerac, Teddy Bear
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#6
Sep 11, 2017, 02:55 PM
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Im glad you are going to the hospital. It sounds like you are in a crisis and need help
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Eat a live frog for breakfast every morning and nothing worse can happen to you that day! "Ask yourself whether the dream of heaven and greatness should be left waiting for us in our graves - or whether it should be ours here and now and on this earth.” Ayn Rand, Atlas Shrugged Bipolar type 2 rapid cycling DX 2013 - Seroquel 100 Celexa 20 mg Xanax .5 mg prn Modafanil 100 mg
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| winter loneliness
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#7
Sep 12, 2017, 06:22 PM
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they dont want me to go to the hospital... my family..
i dunno.. my dad doesnt understand mental illness... i live with him and a friend of his that also doesnt understand... they say they have lived with struggles all their life and i just need get it together pretty much... my dad just keeps saying i need jesus and need to pray and it will all be fine... that its just because i dont pray... and stuff... but im not a rude person or anything, im the most docile person you would see until i get triggered or whatever... which i try to hide as much as possible... it usually hits me in a way where i just shut down completely... sometimes i black out which has been happening more often... i try to explain that im.... sick... its not my fault... i try so hard not to be like this... try so hard not to be depressed... or have anxiety... or anything.. i think im still going to try to go though... i think that it may be the only way out... go and lock myself up... let it all fall out... stop hiding everything... i just dont want them to do anything bad to me in the hospital because i am not a bad person... i just have so many demons... its not my fault...
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| crimsoncat
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#8
Sep 12, 2017, 06:33 PM
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I know how hard it is to be surrounded by people who don't understand,i am so sorry that your having to experience this to .I think going to the hospital is a very good idea,i hope they can help you, sending lots of hugs and good wishes to you
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sometimes crimson acts like a crazy cat, She has to remind herself, she is good and kind ... For that's a fact. 😺 like a small boat on the ocean , sending big waves into motion like how a single word, can make a heart open, I might have only one match But i can make an Explosion ! Rachel. Platten. Fight song. Member since 03/10/09 (new user name) |
| winter loneliness
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#9
Sep 12, 2017, 09:06 PM
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yeah...
im scared i think... but i dont know.. i cant tell... my emotions are ****ed up... i dont know what i feel... i feel nothing but its like im feeling a lot of things... i want to get high and make it go away but i dont because im tired of just ****ing around and being sick... im sick of it... sick of my life... sick of myself... sick of being dependent on substances to hide from demons... sick of hiding... just sick... i feel ive been imprisoned for a long time and i want out... i just want it all to be over... being alive has been an entrapment for me... i don't have fond memories... i have never held anyone and felt a connection... i have never had a relationship in my life besides a ****ed up long distance thing that messed me up even more due to her actions and treatment... what am i supposed to hold onto? they say think of a positive thing... there is nothing... i am nothing... i am blank... i am an empty shell... rotting in hell... yet a player in a game called earth... not for my sake... but for sake of others... i just fuel my demons and mask my pain... i smile and please everyone i can to try to survive... this has to end... there has to be an end...
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| Fuzzybear, Shazerac
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#10
Sep 13, 2017, 10:21 AM
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Getting high will only postpone the inevitable feelings. I know for me alcohol and drugs kept me sick and in denial for a long time. I was told I had this and that mental illness and played the game for a long time. I was really just an alcoholic with an alcoholic personality and an alcoholic mind. I wanted people to feel sorry for me and i went to the hospital alot. Maybe prayer would help you. Or AA. Hanging out with sober people keeps me sober and drug free.
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#11
Sep 13, 2017, 05:41 PM
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I can't really advise other than what has been suggested by other members
 I'm not personally a fan of hospitals  Sending gentle hugs
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#12
Sep 13, 2017, 06:15 PM
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keep trying. Keep posting.... We will listen
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Eat a live frog for breakfast every morning and nothing worse can happen to you that day! "Ask yourself whether the dream of heaven and greatness should be left waiting for us in our graves - or whether it should be ours here and now and on this earth.” Ayn Rand, Atlas Shrugged Bipolar type 2 rapid cycling DX 2013 - Seroquel 100 Celexa 20 mg Xanax .5 mg prn Modafanil 100 mg
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#13
Sep 14, 2017, 11:01 AM
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i dont wanna go to the hospital...
i just want everything to be ok, why cant everything just be ok? i dont want to be locked up... my mind is fighting me.. i just wanna get some weed... weed makes me happy its always been there for me since i was 13 years old.. i just feel so trapped... that new therapist i talked to that 1 time i told i said i felt trapped and he said its no wonder you feel trapped because you are and i didnt know what to say... he said its no wonder you are looking to disability as a way out... he said a lot of things and i never went back to talk to him again its so hard for me to get in touch with my case manager because i dont have a phone... and my dad has been leaving every day to go babysit my niece... left her a message yesterday though saying i need an appointment come in and talk because things arent well... i dont want to talk over the phone... i want to talk to her about a lot of things, about making plans to leave the state even... go somewhere i can get medical marijuana since it does help so much and all of the other medications fail... im just so torn... feeling like if i go to the hospital i might can have the resources available to get things done that i need... but i have had so many bad experiences with "professionals" helping me and not listening to me... im afraid, or not so much afraid... but just feeling that if i go to the hospital this time and they dont listen im going to lose it and they're going to see the inside of me... because im so broken and down... i dont like anyone seeing the inside of me... i dont like the nasty world that exists in side of me... i dont like when the outside world and inside world collide... it causes so much pain and anxiety... i cant stop the conflicting thoughts... the conflicting dreams... the conflicting ideas... being pulled apart... at a crossroads i guess... and i dont know which road to take... or which car to get in... or who to listen to... who to trust... i cant even listen to myself... trust myself... im so null and empty... am i a demon..? i would give up if i existed... but i dont feel like i even exist... so whats the point in giving up anymore...
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| Shazerac
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#14
Sep 15, 2017, 05:23 AM
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Quote:
I don’t do hospitals any longer. Too many horror shows. I’ve been to the brink, where you are, and beyond the brink and I can so empathize with what you describe because I’ve been there, too. Just as your father is wary of mental illnesses, I had an evil, wicked stepmother who didn’t ‘believe’ in mental illnesses. Less than three years after her certain proclamation, she blew her brains out. I found hundreds of bottles of unopened antidepressants in her hidden drawer. She didn’t believe in mental illnesses, the stupid, stupid woman. Hmm. I’m not certain of how to say this... but things can get better. I had to bottom out before rising up, I had to be wary of any help before accepting help, I had to put my blind trust into a man who I knew to be kind and honest and, yes, it took years and years but here I am. Not effing perfect, no, no, no, and I have minute-by-minute challenges, and I still **** up, still have symptoms that I need to handle (with the help of terrific meds!) and, yes, I’m always on one side or the other of depression/mania, but that’s me, that’s who I am. Not sure, again, how to say this, and surely I’m just an old **** raving, but I had to love my symptoms before I could re-engage with daily life. Not a ‘love myself’ crap - just being okay with flying high and feeling like death, ya know? Tough to explain. I actually miss some of the symptoms, even knowing that I’m better off than not having those symptoms. There was an exquisite depth of woe down in that dungeon - the thing that you describe: having your own personal hell is comforting in a queer way. It’s the grand hotel of your mind and you know the misery - the terror - of wandering the floors and halls before flinging yourself down, down into the downy depths of your bed seeking sleep and solace and finding nothing. You’re scared? You do well to fear yourself. Sooner, I hope, rather than later, you need a fear ally. An old coot, a young therapist, a seasoned shrink, someone, someone, who can ride your fears beside you. A partner, yes, you need a partner. Not your father, no, someone (usually) outside of your present circle-jerk of acquaintances. A maintenance man or woman. Ya ain’t broken, yet, but, friend, ya need some maintenance. **** me. As similar as our shoes may be (joke - I have no legs, no need of shoes!) every, everyone trods a unique and horrifying path. I still struggle in my attempt to get into the minds of folks over internet wires and fiber and whatever. You describe your feelings well, though, and some of us .respond with a zippy affirmation having felt similar challenges. One last thing. We’re all ****ed-up. Some of us more than others and, crimeny, it seems that the brighter you are the more likely you are to receive the gifts of Particular & Peculiar Illnesses: the more likely you are to dance with the devil and to require exorcism of demons. No, you are not one nor ten nor a legion of demons, not you. I thought myself responsible for Every Bad Thing - plagues, earthquakes, global warming, the failure to convert the Jews, the gum on the sidewalk, &etc. But there are things that are beyond my (grandiose) control. Yours, too. Friend, get well, get better, do what you can and seek tenuous help now, more engaged help, later. I love you because you’re a fear-filled fearless human being and that, DT, is what is actually rarer than radium. |
| RubyRae
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#15
Sep 20, 2017, 12:44 PM
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#16
Sep 21, 2017, 09:21 AM
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AA brought me back from a similar place. Prayer does help too. Hand your life over to god and let him do the worrying, what have you to lose if you feel you have nothing? But you have, you have a life, look around you, I mean really look, not at things, your possessions, people, but at the gift of nature - look at the trees, a lake, the sea, mountains. Keep on looking for sadness and you'll find it, look for happiness and you'll find that too.
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#17
Sep 21, 2017, 04:10 PM
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Quote:
AA is a cult, with it’s own sacred writings, trite and banal sayings, doorknob gods and sick, sick, sick addictions to meetings rather than living life with meaning. Pray? You’ve read these posts? This person is at the brink and whispering words to some mythological Zeus isn’t going to help. Nature. Oh, yes, beautiful nature has been on a right jolly killing spree of late. The beauty of the crushed child pulled from a crushed building in Mexico City. I find more beauty in the pain of this poster than in any Everest I have summited. Right-o. Benny Hill for Happiness & Laughter, Rumination might conjure Sadness. What a load, what a load of porcine manure, dumped from the heavens to cover the earth in a gagging scent. This poster needs support, not wishy-washy platitudes. If you cannot empathise just keep quiet. |
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