[elevatedsoul]

so the pony tale is gone, all the way.

was past mid-back so i dunno how long that makes it?

dont really feel like it matters though, dont have any feelings about it besides maybe relieved

truly dont recognize myself inside, now i dont outside

the crazy hair dye is next.. hopefully, then tattoos
might do the tongue thing too... hidden anxiety tool maybe
do i even have anxiety anymore? i dunno haha..

[giddykitty]

Just wanted you to see this *hugs*

I struggle with impulsive thoughts. I've cut my hair, but it was a semi conscious choice. (I cut my own hair now for a few years), but it was shorter than I originally wanted because I was feeling intense that night. I like it now though. I'm sure I don't know exactly what you're going through, because I have some control, but I can say that I still think about cutting more hair, but I know it wouldn't make me happy. I understand it's not necessarily about making you happy though, and for that, I'm sorry. If it helps any, you still are the same person, this is just a part of you, a new part. I hope you can find some fulfillment. Maybe you'll really grow to love the new look! Or maybe you'll remember hair grows out and you can change your look back later. Tattoos on the other hand are harder to change. (Sorry, I'm not a tattoo person, so I am not the one to ask about that) maybe try a temporary tattoo first?? Damn! Now I want some temp tatts! Haha!
*hugs*

[RubyRae]

Did you donate your hair elevatedsoul?

I'm surprised your hair was that long,being a guy.I bet you look totally different.

[elevatedsoul]

thanks yall

its been one of those thoughts fighting me for a while... the opportunity popped up and i just did it

the girl that did it was cute and nice though so been thinking about/trying to get myself to go back and see if i could get her number and stuff..

i dont really know what im going through either.
i just feel gone, empty, lost, disconnected? like im not real, the world isnt real, this is just a dream or what ever... not even a dream, cause dreams are more real and have connection or meanings

its like a pointless film, that has no purpose...

and of course i seem to be playing so many different parts that i dont know who the main character is anymore...

and whatever is present trying to talk and write this stuff to yall is just a bubble of blackness, nothing, cause everything went out in different ways separately..

but i guess ill be ok.. its just really hard...

i wanted to donate the hair.. but i didnt say anything about it to them and they didnt say anything... so i just went blank...

but it had drugs in it anyway from my history so maybe they didnt want it

[elevatedsoul]

Hmmm.........

[RubyRae]

That is a picture of you?

Not at all what I had imagined. You are a very good looking young man. You should have no problem getting a girl if you can get your confidence level up

[elevatedsoul]

Yes ma'am it's me... thank you

I've missed a few chances I think because of my relationship problems 🙁

Start liking a girl, she seeming to be into me, then bam... I **** it up by freaking out..

Feeling like they are lieing to me.. withholding stuff from me... using me just because I'm too nice and am an ego booster to them... then they leave and never talk again like I'm a monster.. I never mistreat them or curse them out or argue, but it depresses me so much cause I already know they are gone and it's over and that no ones gonna fight for me like I have tried to fight for all of them..

I dunno why it keeps happening. I know it's probably because I don't trust well.. and feelings of trust and developing attachments provokes fear and anxiety and pain..

I just don't know where I go wrong everytime. Just hurts a lot to keep trying.. cause it always happens and causes so. Much pain...

But I am ok.. I'm just lonely, and alone, and I want to fix everything. Fix myself and my life

Tired of being afraid all the time, it's just not fair... why did they have to make me like this? 🙁

It's ok though... maybe I don't need anyone right now.. maybe for the best sigh

Just wish it didn't hurt

But I am ok.. I am just more expressive of my inner pain and world online. Sigh, which I meet most people I would consider a friend online and trying to talk to girls online so it's like they never get to see my shell, the guy facing the world, but the fearful inner boy

[RubyRae]

Maybe you should talk to your therapist and begin learning and working on your social and interpersonal skills?

[elevatedsoul]

I havnt been to therapy since the job started... she had an accident and I havnt had a replacement..

[elevatedsoul]

I'm so emotionally unstable, my mood just shifts so fast sigh

Just wanna hide in bed..

[RubyRae]

Originally Posted by elevatedsoul

I'm so emotionally unstable, my mood just shifts so fast sigh

Just wanna hide in bed..

That's how I was for awhile but it finally passed. Hope it passes soon for you too.

And I hope you can see your therapist soon too.

Hang in there.

[elevatedsoul]

Thanks man..
I just feel alone, I don't want to be alone any more and it's eating me up because I feel so empty... but when I'm with the right person they fill me with greatness... but I get attached and then insecure and afraid because I know I'm going to lose them...

Just want to break the repeat cycle..

[elevatedsoul]

WHY AM I LIKE THIS?!?

my mind wants me to be alone, to run everyone off, to hate myself, to hate my life!

its always my fault over nothing! i cant do it anymore, why does it keep happening

why cant i fix it, why cant i make it stop, why is it so much, so intense, so demanding... why does it insist on ruining everything i have, everything im trying to build, destroying me

i want a life... i want to be happy... i want peace...

how do i let go of insecurity... how do i let go of needing approval... acceptance...
how do i just be a person that does him and is ok because he is trying his best, knowing that hes doing right and good not letting the bad things get to him, how do i be stronger, how do i control this!

it doesnt make sense... i just need to stop it....

im going to lose another friend over this.... because i cant handle the aloneness... feeling like they hate me... and are going to leave... disappear...

how do i stop getting strength from others... and get strength from my dreams and desires... goals... strength from accomplishments... but none of it matters unless there is someone with me... its like i dont care, i just want to die, but i dont... and i care so much and want to be happy and make a life...
but im so alone... like whats the point in anything if there is no one to share it with...
to spend time with... to trust.... to know... to ... you know...?

i am so confused... and dont know what to do...
i dont know what is happening when im like this... besides hurt... im in pain... so much..
i just ... cant control it...

im going to fail... if it happens i dont think i could live with myself anymore...

[elevatedsoul]

sorry... i guess its been a bad day... been getting triggered a lot... but its not triggering reactions..?

seems to be building up underneath till i cant anymore and everything changes

like repression? but its not really by choice, more of dont have any other options and its automatic, just trying to get so much done... and TRYing to cope... but think im not coping as well as i thought i was...

trying to make REAL friends too... and seeking love.. the relationship stuff hurts and is scary and i know its really triggering...
since i made this one friend things were going pretty good, but she got a job and like.. we arent talking much... and i just feel empty... depressed... like i lost my strength.. lost sight of what i was going for... nhilistic... like... even if i accomplish all of this i will still be broken... still fall apart... hurt and be in pain... lonely... with no real reason to survive or prolong the pain... or the fight to heal a mortal wound...

but i am lost... and stubborn... and scared... and i dont know what to do... how to cope... how to feel confident in myself or trust myself, believe in myself, because i dont think those things exist in me... i dont have a me... i just am empty.. and whatever i can be to survive... a chameleon, or man of many souls...

i want it to stop... to get better... i want to feel complete, whole... i want to trust myself and believe. i want to succeed... i want a life... happiness... and a purpose... a reason to keep going...

the way i open up and talk to people online maybe isnt healthy... because i feel closer to them than they are to me, than they do to me... and its very different from my behavior in life, which i imagine if i learned to trust someone... then maybe i could open up the same way and let whatever is inside come out... but its hard to practice online because so many untrustworthy peoples... been hurt so much online... which just makes it harder to believe in real life... too scared to try in life... so my selves just hide inside and leaving the shape shifter to masquerade around earth trying to fit in... miserable... alone... never fitting in... always trying to cover tracks and not let anyone see how different it is from moment to moment... the camoflage flickering in the light... must keep everyone distracted and focused on something else, themselves mostly... because i have no self... and cant let that secret out because no one ever understands the me... whatever i am... think im lieing or manipulative... and its not true... im just scared... and alone... and want all of this to stop..

[Amyjay]

For me I think there is no point having even trying to have an intimate relationship with someone else if I can't even stand to be with myself yet.
Because there is just no possible way for it to work. It will only end in hurt.
But that's me. I was with my ex out of necessity at the time (young and pregnant) but it was doomed before it started.

[RubyRae]

Elevatedsoul, just ride all these feelings out for now if you can and don't let them take you down.

Just focus on here and now.

[elevatedsoul]

Just needed a friend..but I ruin it all... I'm going to go back to the way I was, just isolate and keep ppl away as much i can..

[elevatedsoul]

I'm ok.. just having a rough time I guess

Little overwhelmed and feeling like need support but really need to stop looking for help from others and help myself..

I need a hug, this roller coaster is hard 😔

[LittleEarthquakes]

Originally Posted by elevatedsoul

I'm so emotionally unstable, my mood just shifts so fast sigh

Just wanna hide in bed..

Emotions are like waves, they pass, and sometimes they are more intense than other times.

[LittleEarthquakes]

Originally Posted by elevatedsoul

WHY AM I LIKE THIS?!?

my mind wants me to be alone, to run everyone off, to hate myself, to hate my life!

Could this be a self-fulfilling prophecy? You think everyone will run off and you will end up alone and hating yourself, so therefore you are choosing to be alone, to run everyone off, to hate yourself, and to hate your life?

why cant i fix it, why cant i make it stop, why is it so much, so intense, so demanding... why does it insist on ruining everything i have, everything im trying to build, destroying me

Because you don't need to make "it" stop, you need to notice, be aware of what "it" is, watch it, and then it will start to change.

how do i let go of insecurity... how do i let go of needing approval...

Let go of it by understanding it.

how do i just be a person that does him and is ok because he is trying his best, knowing that hes doing right and good not letting the bad things get to him, how do i be stronger, how do i control this!

How do you?

it doesnt make sense... i just need to stop it....

What do you need to stop?

im going to lose another friend over this.... because i cant handle the aloneness... feeling like they hate me... and are going to leave... disappear...

its like i dont care, i just want to die, but i dont... and i care so much and want to be happy and make a life...

You want both. You care and you don't care.

but im so alone... like whats the point in anything if there is no one to share it with...
to spend time with... to trust.... to know... to ... you know...?

I know what you mean, but you are someone to share it with.

i dont know what is happening when im like this... besides hurt... im in pain... so much..

How can you know?

i just ... cant control it...

We can't control everything.

im going to fail... if it happens i dont think i could live with myself anymore...

So therefore it will happen.

[elevatedsoul]

yeah..
i mean i guess part of me just thinks to isolate and cut everyone off so they cant hurt me by doing it to me in the end

but i want companions and friends and stuff..

im constantly trying to watch.. but im not seeing really
im not sure what it is... and i just want it to stop ruining my life is all..
its just so confusing, i dont know what to think about it, about me, anymore?

there is a war inside of me apparently..

but im trying hard to manage and make everything right, make a life, heal, find peace and happiness

but this part just wont let go... i've turned this whole life upside down, changed everything and am making things happen, but the self fulfilling prophecy trying to live inside me?

i dont know who i am supposed to be any more lol..
im so weird.. gee

i feel like legion, damn demons permeating my reality... lol :/
sigh, im ok though.. just not sure whats happening

[giddykitty]

Originally Posted by elevatedsoul

Just needed a friend..but I ruin it all... I'm going to go back to the way I was, just isolate and keep ppl away as much i can..

I feel ya, and yet we need people. It's tough because it's in our nature to seek those deep meaningful relationships and a lot of people just aren't like that. They feel just as comfortable or moreso talking about **** like the weather or what happened at work or whatever. Sometimes, I believe, we just have to cater to that nonesense a little just to keep people around. Oftentimes, those are the people that will stick around.

I think one of my paranoias is not knowing what people are thinking, or that if they're quiet they are thinking poorly about me. But oftentimes it's the talkative ones that say something and then later, it's like they don't even mean it, or mean it anymore....ok, this is not really advice. I guess the advice is just to try to believe that most folks mean well. I know it's not hard because we've been hurt, but remember that we played a part in it too. Try to think well of people and they will respond to that.

that last part sounds hypocritical. I want to say that not all talkative ones should be avoided. No way! because that would be me! but just remember that it's sometimes what people don't say that can tell you more. Now I'm probably just confusing the situation more. Point it, it's hard, but do try to remember that folks are flawed, but generally, they are alright. And try not to think of rejection as the end of the world. (yeah, tell myself that. bleh! it's true i've met some great folks since rejection, but I'm really really missing someone right now. :/ So, you're not alone in being afraid, but we must press on!)

[LittleEarthquakes]

elevatedsoul, despite that you say you don't know what's going on, you clearly show in your posts that you do have a good amount of insight. I understand that it feels so chaotic. It is tempting for some of us to avoid and withdraw from relationships. Do you want relationships? Hurt is inevitable.

Life is not about making all the hurt go away, it is about making room for the hurt--and making room for everything else that life brings, good and bad.