Sad

hon if you ever need a shoulder to cry on feel free to pm me for my number. I have good ears. I feel like I could fill up a river at times with my tears.

...sliding down the river bank wasn't an option this time
sat in the gazebo...just wanted to sit and weep and think.
I sat all right. Huge wet spot. Great. Wet butt. Oh well.

The wars...
More information is now being reported than before...last night was the first news report I heard about female fatalities. MSN had a slide show, "caring for the wounded"...or some similar wording. Same haunted look in their faces, intense but determined.
It reminds me a bit of how it was back then. The one that stands out in memory is "casualties were light." Oh. I guess the 172 that came though within hours were a party.

Funny, there was no music and dancing during that party...there were guts and burns and missing limbs...and no tears until you were off shift. By that time, most of us didn't give a FF because we were exhausted...nice of us, huh, not giving a FF?

Walked up to the show at the trade center...one of those arts & crafts that are popular before the holidays.
It was actually full of very talented people selling extraordinarily beautiful things.
Or showing skills.
The one artist I was very interested in was from Vietnam. He glanced at me a few times as he sketched caricatures, noticed my gazing at some of his landscapes...
I have not been called Missy for a very long time, and my eyes filled up with tears again, dammit. There were no handshakes or hugs...minimum of words...but his eyes were wet also.
That's it. No intimate sharing, acknowledgment of anything...nothing.

I had a few minutes of trembling when I wondered if he could be the brother of the man I killed...chances of that are nil and I know it.
and I wondered if his wet eyes were from memories of his own existence there...my jacket, the patches, worn but a part of me...did it trigger something in him??
Perhaps his memories are from being from the other side...
Walking around I found three others from Vietnam, a few Americans, and one Russian lady.

left there and walked uptown
neat trick navigating with my crutches on the wet sidewalks...with my wet butt and within a few minutes, wet hair.
heavy misting...shivering...

and feeling invisible
empty
the sight of the little kids doing the trick/treat in the blocked off section...absolutely no thought of how cute they were , etc..
I didn't care; was pissed off 'cause they were in my place
running up to the sculptures and babbling
C, why did I didn't know there was another event??

old bag lady...felt like one, looked like one
couldn't find an abandoned shopping card
to complete the new look

I would have filled it with
nights of sleep void
of dreams, faces, smells, sounds
oh wait...make that days and nights
some gratitude for what is good in my life
and there is plenty

took 30mg instead of 15
should be enough for several hours sleep
I be tired of it all

lock down, shut down
shot down
ready for bed
why is walking through this sludge so tiring...

go to bed, Catherine
everything is secure
on the outside
inside...in time

enough sleep to function
oh good
only two times of waking up
scrambling to get to the OR
didn't know where I was
do now, though

sunny if not cool and windy today
bundle up in layers
get out and get away

layers
peel them off as needed
learning again to peel away the layers
inside my heart so I stop dragging these memories
that are dragging me down.

wish there was Draino/Liquid Plumber
dissolve the damn hold
that went from faded to too bright
fade is good

out into the sunshine
out of the melancholy
into surrender of what cannot be changed
change the things I can
remember the difference

fade is good

think I need to back out of here
quit being *****y with everyone
ride it out
come back when I can give more
than I've been taking
sorry 'bout that...didn't mean to be selfish

thanks for listening
standing with me
it helped more than I can say

In Peace

Catherine

(((((((((((((((Cathrine))))))))))))))))))))

I wish I could make the pain better, or easier.
You are far from selfish, you give so much, talking about how you feel, sharing your emotions is not selfish at all, or pathetic, it takes a lot of strength.

Sitting quietly with you with a warm cup of tea, helping the sad time pass, keep writing friend, we all care so much about you,

Peace and Love
Sparrow

a few posts back, I made the comment:
"of all things, after all these years
Stephen."

So many years
it's still the month we came together
don't know how it would have lasted had he lived
the intensity of being together may have worn out
so, I've no illusions of it being the greatest love story, etc.
the time we did have together, though, was a rebirth for me

after the CSA/torture, I never expected to love a man
physically or emotionally
he was very patient and gentle with me at all times.
in fact, his family was and I was adopted into his tribe.
My first belonging to anything safe and solid and good.
when he died, I was lost again
it took years for me to find my way

current events in the war have been bothering me
on another level
when I hear of the casualties, I know the grief
of the wives, children, and parents.
I did not recognize this in me, glossing over my feelings...
they will never know the same peace
they will know the bewildered and lingering feelings
of ...was it worth it?

There was more anger and sadness about the
loss of life
loss of innocence...how many will come home with PTSD?
most likely the majority will have some form of it.
so very many coming home without limbs, sometimes without hope
There is a high desertion of their intimate loved ones
women and men who cannot accept their conditions
leave, albeit with some guilt
some just not wanting to be with someone who is damaged
goods...
loyalty during rehab requires special people and some don't have what it takes...

Remembering Stephen's patience with me re the CSA
opened a bit of a wound; one I thought was healed
or at least still healing,
I was less triggered with him than what I have been the past several weeks.

riding it out does not get easy with each episode
sometimes the saddle sores are even more deep and painful
feel unmanageable and overwhelming
the mind knows it will ease
the heart...trying to follow suit

Whatever

Catherine hon I can't even begin to say I know how you are feeling except that I watched someone I loved with all my heart go thru much the same thing. It has to be tough to deal with all this stuff but hon I am here for you and so many others too. please lean on us. we love you here.

Catherine,
You truly have a gift for words, I have been reading through your thread
and found so many simple descriptions of day to day things, people and
events that speak profoundly to me.
Thank you so much for sharing so much of yourself with us, I endeavor
to do the same though it might be quite a while before it comes out as yours
does.
Again, Thank You
To Dark To Sleep

ToDarkToSleep...thank you

Age wise, I think I have a century on you...
so I've had more time to observe and absorb.

My friend, you are doing a good job of sharing with us. Your post about your pre-war feelings and expectations really touched my heart...
Generations apart, but we both had idealistic attitudes and determination, didn't we?
I was fresh out of the College of Nursing, Villa Nova...a young Catholic woman so intent on serving my country.
It was expected in my family...my father was career military.
I did not believe in the war, but I did believe it was my duty to be there as a nurse...and do the very best that I could.
Nothing prepares you for the reality and brutality of what is a near daily experience.

We paid our dues, didn't we?

In Peace

Each of us carry a burden that is hard to let go. As hard as we try somethings we can not let go. The dreams, the pain, the falures that weren't even falures just the role of the dice that we had no control over. It doen't make us week just human to value life, to value hope. But how can any of us keep that in mind 24/7. I have been out for years hated it so much freared it so much we made our selfs forget. now we remember and no one belives yet still we see it in our mind eye and feel the pain in our hearts. even to heel we had to let go of who we are in side. but still life goes on. YOu are not alone

back to the ER with my daughter yesterday
fell when I was helping her in the bathroom--an on-duty nurse should have been doing this
anyway
bruised, a *****y headache, usual after affects

Ft. Hood...words fail me

taking pain meds, etc.
sleep

Peace to all

Catherine

(((((Catherine2))))))))))) thinking about you
peace to you my friend

six hours back in the ER today...for me
back hurts like an itch with a capital B
IV pain meds did nothing
to lessen hyper viligence
or the pain
I do not like ERs...dangerous in many ways
being discharged when the first gunshot victim arrived

Shutdown, Meltdown
doesn't matter
numb, numbest
yep, best of numb

going to try again and get some sleep
pain meds, muscle relaxer, good old phenegran
take the edge off, I hope

ERs
triage
choices
it ain't my problem any more
feels familiar
sights, sounds, smells
gotta stay out of them for awhile
or go into hiding
oh wait...I'm already hiding
soul-wise
wall is up, see the mask?
I see you from behind it
neither view is pretty or pleasant
wooden outside; see the pasted smile
inside
behind the mask
I do not give a damn

whatever

Catherine,
Choices haunt me as well, Before I went over I was a firefighter/EMT
I would go home from the worst of days and have little problems sleeping
Because I knew I had done my very best to ease the pain of others, save
The ones I could
Even over there it initially helped to keep that in my heart.
I did my very best
I am broken because I did my very best to cause hurt to the enemy
The sights, sounds, smells haunt me
I try to hold what was good and pure
but it feels false, tainted

My kids see the mask but accept it, not knowing what it hides, and they
Are happy doing so... who am I to kill there innocence and remove the mask

tdts,
Thank you for sharing with me...

oh we were so eager to serve and save
fresh in our uniforms and caps
went from clean hospitals
to hell
sacrifice of the virgins

we did do our very best--my war and your war, tdts
some came home because of it
sometimes I wonder if they were glad
considering their wounds and what they had to live with

yeah...hurting the enemy
our guys always came first
no exceptions
kids and women

...enemy combatants
got the least attention
less pain relief
on purpose
oh enough to take the edge off
no moans 'cause we didn't want to hear it
used to bribe each other to take our turn
in (not) caring for them
to quote Rhett Butler;
"Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn."
said to them when they would be *****y
demanding...demanding! better food
calling us names
pinching our arms to get our attention
my first-in-the-face-threat
do it again, it will be the last

while we were doing even the minimals
the smell of their bodies...dirty; a gagging odor

Would gently clean our guys
conscious or unconscious
some wept 'cause they had not been clean
in a very long time

tdts,
do not be broken about this...
souls can
bear only so much...hold in so much
we are not super men/women
humans, doing our best
caught between dimensions of hell

brother, it's going to feel tainted
until you forgive yourself
personally, I didn't give a FF
for a very long time.
A Very Long Time.
then came that glimmer of understanding
Hindsight
we forget what it was like; really like, nothing prettied up
not the spruced up version of RO reporters
beating ourselves up for what happened
when we were fighting to keep others alive
while we were dying a different death.

Repeated again...
seek counseling
masks come off in the safety net
of fellow Vets and experienced therapists
Please check in with IAVA...

The therapist my ex is seeing
free through the Va, DD214 is all that is necessary
experienced, his drugs are free
his VA intake coming up

His words after his first session and first group?
"I found my brothers, I'm not alone, I'm not crazy"
still has a long way to go
but it's a start

all it takes is one step at a time
inch at a time if that's what you can handle
crawl if necessary...it is all right

Please keep posting
anything, everything
it is all right

on your six
Catherine

nearing the end of the rope
the one with the frayed ends
no desire to tie the know
and hang on...

intense sounds from the training
going on for weeks
day and night
teaching how to kill
lessons on how to stay alive?
physically, probably
mentally...maybe
all the kings horses and all the kings men
lost in the tons of paperwork
putting who and what back together again
patch up job never as good as the original
one study claims to be the best
so does the second and third
and I can't count that high
how can any study be right
when it's a telephone interview with 812 Veterans??

small pockets of success
ruined under the microscope
of it works here lets improve on it
when ya tear it apart
continuity disappears

T thinks the nearly constant roars
from the training at the local installation
are dragging many of us back into high alert
increase/return of symptoms showing
little outside, big inside
move? not right now, monopoly money does not work

angry...sad
whimsy support
here, there, everywhere
refuse to call out
afraid of no response
cookie-cutter tsks! tsks!
better to be silent
it hurts less than pats on the head
on to the next one says the leaders of the calvary
numbers count, not the substance
Hi-Ho it's off we go...

spooky dreams
dreaded whispers of my name
being stage-whispered...
who goes there?! no answer
sweats, not-agains, weep in the darkness
weep in the darkness

I also weep in the darkness.
Keep the faith

flu...sleep
aluminum lining of being sick
I'll take it
dreamless, soundless sleep
from any quarters is welcomed
always welcomed.

mostly quiet on the southern front
occasional roar, short roar
might have deployed
good luck, be safe, come home
alive

sister slayer, I am not
blood ones bring out a beast in me.
wishing for my nursing sisters
better than blood ones, they are
we stood together, played together
wept as singles, wept as doubles
slumped against each other
in exhaustion after 36 hours non-stop
except to pee...
several times I won the pot
for holding mine the longest
no promotion for that accomplishment

I miss them
they be dead, some by their own hand
some from AO exposure
cancer, cancer everywhere
beat the boob one once
Mea Culpa! said scared Catholic girl
beat it and it will go away
the boob stayed, the cancer did not

crawling out of this episode
pensive, reflecting
my little chickadee,
mine, not W.C. Fields
the tiny trapeze artist
found that wonderful quote from Tom The Tracker
indomitable spirit of the chickadee
so I'll land on the line, swing upside down
sway in the breeze
'cause I can
I've Got Spirit
no rhythm, no grace, can't carry a hymn or a hum
but
I've Got Spirit

I kept the faith
thank you tdts
your hand to mine when I stumbled
thank you
mine ready

howitzer...loud MF
first round
I nearly wet myself while trying not to fall from my chair
first thought: is there enough blood
second-third-fourth
finally felt in time, not back in time.

pounding heart
sweating, Alert
call to T
come in, C'
there's about 15 in the same shape
gonna have a group
shake, rattle, roll with the punches
punches from the past
and
that is what they are
punches from the past
grieve for the non-Pepsi generation
of determined youth
willing to do what needs to be done
same old, don't fire back
thats friendly rounds piercing the body
sitting ducks, lay-down dead

another walk about, aboriginal therapy
get our heads and hearts in good working order
stretching out a hand
requires that grip to be solid
if it will do any good
for them for us

it's easier
stopped trying to be The Rock
accepted my tears, acknowledged the fears
gave and took hands, we might be screwed up
but we'll be screwed up together.

good company, damn awful party
good outweighs the damn

one night at a time
forget the one before, fear not the coming one
the demons are the same
familiar enough to say FO
ya bother me, Go Away
kick their ***...don't even have to cover your own

Winning more than losing
what a treat, a victory of sorts

a victory of sorts
I'll Take It