Avoidance.....

I'm practicing it.......it is not good.

I'm scared to return to therapy tomorrow, because he won't let me avoid stuff anymore.

Avoidance keeps me safe, for a bit, but I feel the turmoil beneath the surface trying to suck me back in. I don't want to face it.......

I totally get that feeling and all I can say is to place your trust in your T, they will help you to feel safe despite the memories.

Soup

Just reading the word memories makes my chest tighten and I feel like crying......and just as quickly.......

shutdown.

It is a hard thought to put trust in my therapist after almost 4 weeks apart.

I need to go to bed, but am avoiding that too...........

Are you remembering to breath deeply and do some grounding stuff? Like noticing your feet, sounds, what can you see? I'm sorry it feels so tough right now but remind yourself that it will pass.

Also with a 4 week break sounds like you need a session or 2 with you T to just practice feeling safer there with him. Can you ask him?

I hope if you are working on stuff you have been avoiding that you have more regular sessions booked in.

I like to journal to calm down, and I've found it helpful to address it to "T" instead of the typical 'dear diary" . It turns out when I do that I have an easier time talking about it the next session.

Sitting in car......don't want to go in...feel like throwing up.

Deep breaths........

sent from mobile via tapatalk

............

I'm glad you made it to the door! Did you make it inside?

I do a lot of avoidance too. It's so hard to act against that impulse - but that's part of the therapy. Each time we push through it and do something anyway no matter how much we dread it... is a step in the right direction and a big old F U to the past!

Yep, I made it inside. Thanks RP, I like the part about a big FU to the past!

It was a really strange session.....I was so avoidant.

*Trigger warning just in case.....*

Left me with horrible dreams last night. Well, one dream that seemed to last the whole night, and even restarted after I woke and got up to get away from it.

I dreamt about going to a seminar being given by this rather well known psychologist over here in NZ with a group of 'friends'(they were my friends but I recognised none of them). It was bizarre, kind of like a game show in a huge auditorium. He refused to pick me to answer questions or take part, just laughed in my direction and shook his head as if thinking I was stupid.

Then at the end, everyone was given a gift and a drink before leaving. I woke up to find that my 'friends' were drugged (I was also and couldn't move or talk) and the psychologist was assaulting them sexually. I couldn't stop it, I couldn't help.........and he kept looking at me and grinning.

Then I was able to move after he left the room for a while, and I was trying to get my friends away and I was hiding and he was looking for me..........

Ugh..........it was horrid.

Wonder what all of that meant..........

NIghtmares ARE rather horrid.. sometimes more so than other times. (TW: I had one a few nights ago where my brother was trying to kill me. My parents were around and their response was to tell me to put up with it because it's just how he is....)

I'm glad to hear that you went in! You might have been avoidant, but the important thing is that you went in; you pushed past your natural instinct. Good work!!!!

And yea... I like to think of most things as being Me VS My brain (bipolar issues) and Me VS My family (where the big FU to everything comes in). It makes it a little bit easier to manage things, for me anyway.

Lately, I don't want to leave my apartment. I have difficulty getting in the shower. I can't seem to finish anything either.

(((Jane))), while I know it was so hard for you to have that therapy session, I am proud of you for going in anyway.

Here is what I think based on what I have listened to what you have shared of yourself.

I think that when this therapist took time away from being there for you that triggered you. That triggered you to feel abandoned because of your history where you needed and there was no one there for you. That also led you to doing what you knew how to do in your past avoid/shut down/disassociate yourself emotionally. It would make sense that going back to him would bring out some feelings of "I don't want to feel, I would rather try to avoid it". Plus, you did not have the language to express to him what his absense meant and probably even felt your were wrong and being too childish for having these challenging feelings, I have noticed your "self talk" when it comes to that to where you tend to discredit your deep emotions as being "too childish and whinney".

This is what came out in your dream too. You were "unworthy" of being picked on at the imaginary seminar that someone who was supposed to be a professional and highly esteemed was giving. That too is how you feel emotionally "unworthy" and will be overlooked when you have input in that kind of situation, something you have wrestled with when continuing your education as well. It is not that you really "are" unworthy either, but it is how you feel about yourself that came out in that dream.

The sexual assault part of the dream is expressing your emotional challenge about experiencing that in your past too. That long dream was all about how you have been challenged and did not have "help" with that challenge and how that has made you feel unworthy and even how you self blame for that and how you genuinely struggle to trust too.

First of all Jane, people who do that to others do that because "they" are sick and they have some deep issues with their own self esteem and take that out on others. That has happened to me too and yes I felt I did something wrong and I did not "tell" and now looking back I realize this individual did what he did because "he" felt so inadequate he was actually hurting me because he saw me as "better than or something he wanted to be but could not". This person ended up getting very involved with drugs, he married an older woman who also got involved with drugs and almost died. It was running for him, running away from himself and had nothing to do with me being unworthy at all.

Women notoriously blame themselves when it really is not about them at all, the person who does this is the one that is "messed up" and they tend to hurt women that they feel they will never deserve to have.

You definitely deserve to "grieve" what is "hurt in you" Jane, you never ever deserved to think the bad behaviors of others was ever "your fault" either. Yes, people have been "mean" to you but not because "you" deserved it EVER, it was always all about "their fears and issues and self anger" and nothing you did wrong. You were not the one damaged, it was the other person, "not your fault" either.

You also need to realize that when other people treat you badly or fail to comfort you when you "need" has nothing to do with your worthiness, but instead is because these other people do not know "how". You have to learn to not blame yourself for the inadequacies of others. And, it's ok to grieve how you have been challenged going way back because of the inadequacies of others too. Hurt emotions are not "childish", they are very "human" and happen at all ages in human beings.

Once you finally allow yourself to work through your past and get to really understand how to see it for what it really is and that most of the time you were hurt because the the problems of "others", you will really make some gains and you can be in a place to help others understand this as well. In this process you will also learn to better identify the language other people use that is expressing their "lacks" so that you can make better choices about who you should spend time with and who you should avoid too. As you learn this, you can help your son understand it better as well as help others that need help too.

You went to therapy even though you did not want to, it stirred up some challenges in you, bad dreams, all that have a meaning that you need to become more aware of so you can work through it and "heal". PTSD means "you have been hurt enough, it's time to heal".



OE

JaneC, I'm in the early stages of trauma therapy. My therapist has been very patient and lets me do rambling-about-nothing sessions sometimes when I'm just too tired to deal with the trauma. I used to just avoid her entirely when I didn't want to face stuff, but now I just go and talk about other stuff, just to keep connected to her. Lucky for me, my current insurance doesn't limit my number of visits.

OE thanks for your kind words and insights....I always gain something when you reply to me and appreciate your kindness immensely.

I do need to work on historical stuff.......unfortunately, before my therapist went on leave I experienced what he keeps referring to as 'losing time'. I got stuck in a memory, and it was terrifying to me.......so because of that I now am afraid.

I told him this, that I almost didn't come back, that I wanted to tell myself I was totally fine and didn't need to be there any more. That maybe I couldn't face stuff. He told me that he wished he could say I wouldn't have to experience my difficult emotions or feelings or memories again in therapy, but that is not the case. And then he asked me what we could do in therapy for the time being that felt safe.

I told him, no more historical stuff before he goes on leave again(I have 2 more sessions then he's away again for 4 weeks ) and that if I do suddenly experience similar to what happened previously then I told him.....you need to do something to stop it, to help me get out of it! We both laughed at that......because clearly he can control what happens for me!

Juniper....thanks. It is kind of what I said to my therapist also, I just need to catch up and take it easy for a bit. Sounds like you have a great therapist.

OE...you are also right about the feelings of abandonment surfacing because he was away. I found out that he extended his leave for an extra day, and that was my usual day to see him. I, his client, of course came second to his need to support and be with his own family.........but it hurt. It also hurt that he hadn't let me know. He told me that he had called and asked his staff to advise me, so he was really surprised and very sorry that it had not happened.

I'm rambling........I think because I feel a bit lost right now. ANd trying to understand all of the things that went on in session, and also trying to avoid feeling by thinking things away logically.

Best go as need to get to a late shift at work, Sunday is not a day of rest for me any longer. At least I have a bit of work, so not really complaining.

Oh, Unguy...... sorry things are quite so tough for you. I do hope it gets better soon. Do you have a therapist to support you?

I think it is wise to not get into history if your T is going to be away again. If things come up though just come and vent whatever you need to here where others can help ground you and support you.

I know about losing time, I had done that myself and still do if I experience a bad trigger. However, I have come to slowly understand that as hard as it is I tend to learn something from it when it happens. I do think it is important to have a T there to help. Your T seems to really understand a lot about PTSD, that is good, some of them don't and it's really important someone works with someone who does.