Why do such simple things seem so hard?

Why do such simple things like leaving the house seem so hard? Going outside? Going to the store? I get so stressed from feeling this way. I know my T is going to say it's just a way of avoidance. My usual response to not getting these assignments done is that I didn't have time. But then I don't remember what I did that day that so consumed me. I do know I stay on the computer too much. But I doing remember that.
I don't sleep well because of different things, physical pain, memories, sleep apnea, and so I sleep to late afternoon. Then the day gets shot before I know it.

IF you ever figure it out let me know.

I spend half my time feeling paralyzed, even something simple like making a phone call to a friend overwhelms me. I made it out of the house 3 weeks ago to go to the library. Now the books are overdue and I still haven't taken them back. I could have made a simple phone call and renewed them but couldn't make myself do it. I could take them to work with me and drop them off on my way home. Yet there they still sit on the table mocking me. Then I feel like a complete loser for not being able to do something so simple and get overwhelmed feeling bad so I don't want to do anything. It's a very vicious cycle for me.

Totally understand. Seems like I fight myself to do anything other than exist. Maybe some others will have suggestions.

I don't know how I make myself go to work every night. All I know is that effort of leaving 5 days a week takes everything I have. If I didn't have my "autopilot" I'd be boned. I never remember leaving my house or the drive to work but "autopilot" gets me here. Then I lock myself in my little building and come back to reality.

Do you ever dissociate or have "autopilot" when you have to leave your house or is that just me?

What I experience is different. I don't have a fear of doing things in general. Doing something new stresses me out, but if I'm used to doing something I don't have a problem with it. I find that for phone calls I have to schedule them on my work calendar to make during a break, otherwise I totally forget about them and I often have to make notes of what points I need to make so that I can accomplish everything I need to on the call. If I have to make an appointment I usually have to figure out ahead of time, good times for those appointments so I don't have to call back to reschedule.

New things can be pretty stressful. If I'm driving to an area that I'm not used to I have to look it up on Google Maps, drill down to find the building and parking areas, then I have to plug it in to my GPS, then I have to leave early to allow additional time to make sure I'm there on time and allow time to scope out the building. Where are people entering and exiting? Is there more than one exit? Especially if it's a social event. I hate social events. That's a whole other topic.

I have also found over the last several months, that on the weekends, if I don't have to, I won't do anything. So this past Saturday, after going to sign and pay for our tax prep. I just got on the highway and drove to a Walmart that I don't normally go to. One less stop on the way home this week! It felt good to just do something on the fly.

Way to go on stepping out of that avoidance and going to Walmart. I did my taxes and that was a biggie for me. Of course my homework assignments....not so good on and I don't know why. There's just so much. Listening to that tape everyday, and our session once, going to grocery store 4 times and spend 40 minutes in there without really shopping, call my mom, and seems like something else I'm forgetting. I've gotten some of it done but not all. I shopped more than just meander around the grocery store. It's frustrating and I'm afraid she is going to fire me if I don't get it done.

Maybe just pick one to work on a day? It sounds like a lot when each one of them is something that is a major challenge. I know for myself when I get a lot of things built up that have to get done if I look at them all at once I get overwhelmed. So I try to attack things one at a time. Yesterday I was supposed to call the vet to make appointments for all my animals, totally forgot, so yesterday afternoon, while on a conference call from home I scheduled it on my calendar for today so I will actually do it.

This happens to me frequently. When I feel vulnerable inside and hurt (flashback), I tend to stay home and spend the rest of the day doing nothing. The simplest tasks feel overwhelming and I can't basically do anything. I can relate a lot to what you have described as being oblivious to your day, and can't quite remember what you have done during that day.

Its basically you are in a flashback, you are hurt, vulnerable and feel very little inside. You can go to Pete Walkers website and print out the 13 steps of how manage flashbacks. I can't say I'm succeeding in managing my flashbacks, I rarely have control over them when I experience them. But I think practice makes "perfect", the more we recognize and catch ourselves in a flashback situation, the more we gain control in managing them. Perfectionism is also a destructive tool, because we sometimes can manage our situation for like 2 or 3 days, and then we relapse and we feel we are not doing any progress. Progress not perfection is a good mantra that is working for me.

I can relate to reb569 too. I have memory problems too. I think when we operate below the level of awareness, which is for me like everyday, its hard to focus. Sometimes when I prepare giving a lecture to students in a material I'm not familiar with, The level of stress just peaks, and I have to repeat the lecture to myself several time, until I feel I can grasp it. After maybe two or three weeks, I even have trouble memorizing what I learned, its just overwhelming.

There is very important issue I want to mention. Traumatized people exert a lot of mental energy to do their daily activities. And we can tell, because everyday we spend an unusual amount of energy trying to control things, keep defenses on, hide our depression, dissociate, etc. Learning new information for example, is by nature causes stress. Any normal human being struggles to a certain degree when he wants to learn new things, But they don't avoid this "stress" because they don't experience chronic stress in the first place, Optimal Stress is beneficial. We must work so hard to lower this chronic stress, or otherwise we will keep avoiding any stress inducing situation.

Excellent words of wisdom here, thanks

Kati Morton has a quote "It's a process , net perfection" and that is so true.
The part about your lecture sounds like the PE therapy, repeating the stressful event until the emotional reaction lessens. It's pretty hard doing that with a trauma event, but I can see the logic in it now. At first it was a "why are you doing this to me" type of reaction and "how can this help bringing up so many other traumas dealing with this one?" Now I have different reactions, I'm bored, get angry that I have to listen to it, so maybe that's a good thing, eh?

Trace, when you are on the computer, a lot of what you have been doing is sorting and learning.

When someone is hit hard with PTSD, it can take quite a while to "slowly" figure it out.

Thank you Trace, You're right, its helps if you expose yourself to situations you dread. I keep reminding myself that the work is complex though, one therapy model won't necessarily solve all our problems.

Agree, being on the computer has lead me to be more educated on how I can help myself by learning from others. If you think about we really can't depend on a T alone to help us. It takes work and dedication from us to make those positive moves to being healthy and happy. But as Kati says "it's a process, not perfection"

I agree, as I just responded to OE we have to do a lot of this investigative work ourselves. No one T can fix the complex situation we harbor. But you have to start somewhere and having a T that understands and "gets" what you are going through is the real key. It's not a T's job to fix us, but to give us the tools and understanding on how to fix ourselves.

I totally agree with you. Self work and initiation has to start from within. Tools will expand our introspection, introspection will lead to awareness and mindfulness, mindfulness actually stops the cycle of reactivity.

The problem is that people are tired, too tired to do the work sometimes, frustrated with bad results, not sure how you can motivate someone that has had such bad experiences for so long. Then there are some who just don't want to get better from being so tired, this is how it is and just accept it and that's sad.
Also people need the right diagnosis. If they are convinced they have one thing and the usual treatments don't work they are frustrated. I get that. So getting the proper diagnosis is so important. This is something people really need to be honest about with their T. If you think the diagnosis is wrong show the T where you think this is wrong, that leads back to educating yourself though. A vicious cycle, for a complex situation.

I can really relate to this. I am really very exhausted. I feel like I'm being hit from all sides. Not just my CPTSD, but my daughters struggles, high stress at work, doubts about whether it is worth trying to recover, whether I deserve to recover. Yeah, I'm exhausted.

It is exhausting especially when you also have a lot of other things going on. You should be proud of yourself for what you are getting done. I mean really there's no way I could do the load of work you are doing. Any chance you could take a day or two off and just do something for you?