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Old Sep 01, 2017, 12:03 AM
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Take #2,

Hope everyone is okay.
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"Caught in the Quiet"
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  #2  
Old Sep 01, 2017, 12:23 AM
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Scared...
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Old Sep 01, 2017, 12:27 AM
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Scared...
Why scared?
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Old Sep 01, 2017, 12:43 AM
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Right. Ok. It sucks. Thanks for understanding.
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Old Sep 01, 2017, 12:49 AM
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Right. Ok. It sucks. Thanks for understanding.
It does suck, but danger can be anywhere at anytime. We have to watch out for it. And the little's need to report any problems with someone.
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  #6  
Old Sep 01, 2017, 03:21 AM
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I'm here. Doing ok I guess. Workplace stress is rearing it's ugly head again. Taking a day off today to do some reorganization at home. Will enjoy not having to look at the clock for 4 days.

How are you Trace?
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Old Sep 01, 2017, 05:13 AM
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I'm here just don't have much to say as my last comment was ignored
  #8  
Old Sep 01, 2017, 10:54 AM
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So much has been happening and changing in my life, it's scary. I really don't know what to do now. New T, finally honest with H, but I don't want to be with him or have him touch me; it hurts so bad because of what he did. I'm an "all or nothing" type of person and I don't feel like I can trust H with my all anymore. Like I said, life is crazy right now and I'm having a hard time keeping it together. Thanks for reading this... Where is everyone, why so quiet?Where is everyone, why so quiet? n
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  #9  
Old Sep 01, 2017, 11:46 AM
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I'm here. Doing ok I guess. Workplace stress is rearing it's ugly head again. Taking a day off today to do some reorganization at home. Will enjoy not having to look at the clock for 4 days.

How are you Trace?
The days off sound good. Daughter still happy? You still happy with daughter ? Try to get some rest and do something you enjoy.

Doing okay, thanks for asking though.
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Old Sep 01, 2017, 11:48 AM
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So much has been happening and changing in my life, it's scary. I really don't know what to do now. New T, finally honest with H, but I don't want to be with him or have him touch me; it hurts so bad because of what he did. I'm an "all or nothing" type of person and I don't feel like I can trust H with my all anymore. Like I said, life is crazy right now and I'm having a hard time keeping it together. Thanks for reading this... Where is everyone, why so quiet?Where is everyone, why so quiet? n
Sorry you are going through such a hard time. Maybe this new T can give you some tools to help work through this with your husband in one way or the other. Just know we are here for you anytime you want to vent.
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  #11  
Old Sep 01, 2017, 12:04 PM
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I'm here. Not sure how I am feeling.
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  #12  
Old Sep 01, 2017, 02:21 PM
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I'm here. Not sure how I am feeling.
What's up? If you want to share.
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Old Sep 01, 2017, 05:52 PM
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What's up? If you want to share.
Somewhat out of the blue, T is suggesting reducing sessions with a view to stopping. Not sure how I feel about it. Although, actually I probably feel a ton of different things, which is quite confusing.
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  #14  
Old Sep 01, 2017, 07:03 PM
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Somewhat out of the blue, T is suggesting reducing sessions with a view to stopping. Not sure how I feel about it. Although, actually I probably feel a ton of different things, which is quite confusing.
Ending sessions is hard, even when you know it's the right thing to do. Did you talk to the T about why and that you were not sure how you felt about it? Sounds like the T is trying to wean you away as opposed to just saying we are done, have to respect that. Does it have anything to do with insurance?
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Old Sep 02, 2017, 01:24 AM
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Ending sessions is hard, even when you know it's the right thing to do. Did you talk to the T about why and that you were not sure how you felt about it? Sounds like the T is trying to wean you away as opposed to just saying we are done, have to respect that. Does it have anything to do with insurance?
Yes, I think you are right. I fund myself so it's not due to insurance.

I guess it's just that I've been seeing T for so long (7 years) and although I know it wasn't ever meant to be forever, part of me was putting my head in the sand about ending. I have wanted to quit many times, but T has persuaded me to stay, now it's coming from T, it just feels different.

I'm not sure I can do the weaning off. Part of me has already left. My father had a mental illness and I frequently felt ignored / unseen as a child. I guess it's maybe those things being triggered. My self preservation stuff kicking in. But it also means, that I can't talk to my T about it. I know I will go to the next session pretending.

However, ultimately I know I am a tough cookie, have been through worse. So it will all be ok in the end.

How are you doing?
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  #16  
Old Sep 02, 2017, 01:29 AM
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Somewhat out of the blue, T is suggesting reducing sessions with a view to stopping. Not sure how I feel about it. Although, actually I probably feel a ton of different things, which is quite confusing.
This group T I'm seeing now is leaving at the end of this month. That's the second person I've seen that has , or is leaving. You just don't seem to spend much time with any one T at the VA. Keeps you from getting close to them, and not expecting much from them. I felt bad when I had to stop seeing the civilian T. I really think I could have made some progress with her, but I needed insurance. Not sure how long you have been seeing this T, but it's like losing a friend I'm sure. And probably you can see her again if you need to.
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Old Sep 02, 2017, 02:23 AM
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This group T I'm seeing now is leaving at the end of this month. That's the second person I've seen that has , or is leaving. You just don't seem to spend much time with any one T at the VA. Keeps you from getting close to them, and not expecting much from them. I felt bad when I had to stop seeing the civilian T. I really think I could have made some progress with her, but I needed insurance. Not sure how long you have been seeing this T, but it's like losing a friend I'm sure. And probably you can see her again if you need to.
Yes I guess there are pros and cons to short term versus long term therapy. I initially sought short term, but it sort of evolved as things unravelled. I'm not sure I would be where I am now, without long term therapy, but yes, as you say, it does feel like losing a friend (of 7 years). But the realisation of that has already changed the dynamic, I've taken a huge step back. I think if I need top ups in the future, I'll find a different T.

Do you feel it is helping you with the changes in your T's? I know I had develop trust in order to progress and that took a long time for me.
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  #18  
Old Sep 02, 2017, 03:28 AM
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The days off sound good. Daughter still happy? You still happy with daughter ? Try to get some rest and do something you enjoy.

Doing okay, thanks for asking though.
She seems to be doing good right now. She and her boyfriend have been in their apartment for about a month, he's working, she started school last week.

But yesterday I found a stash of her meds when I was cleaning out her room so that I can move my office into there and convert my old office into a spare room/storage room. I was hoping that she would do more of the cleaning but she didn't and with school starting I know she isn't going to have time in the near future so, I told her I was going to work on cleaning it out. She stashed about 8 days of meds in a plastic bag, stuffed inside her laptop box. I was contemplating throwing it out but wanted to make sure there was no paperwork or discs in it, so there, inside a compartment within the box I found them.

So now I'm not sure if she's still on her meds, or has been tapering down, or if she just was saving some for her next attempt if it came to that.

I can never seem to get out from under this. But I have to keep looking at the fact that right now she seems to be very happy and she may have stock piled prior to meeting her boyfriend. I just don't know what it all means right now. They will be up sometime this weekend so I'm going to ask her about it then.
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~ A Tale of Two Sisters (Janghwa, Hongryeon) (2003)

"I feel like an outsider, and I always will feel like one. I’ve always felt that I wasn’t a member of any particular group."
~ Anne Rice
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  #19  
Old Sep 02, 2017, 03:39 AM
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Originally Posted by Trace14 View Post
Ending sessions is hard, even when you know it's the right thing to do. Did you talk to the T about why and that you were not sure how you felt about it? Sounds like the T is trying to wean you away as opposed to just saying we are done, have to respect that. Does it have anything to do with insurance?
Sorry to butt in on your conversation here. I recently decided to reduce my sessions with my therapist to once a month, partially because my insurance company was delaying on paying, partially because I wanted to see where I was going "to land" after my daughter moved out and I wasn't constantly stressing about how she was doing. She's got her boyfriend now and he seems really nice and caring. They seem like soulmates. I thought that I may just come out of all it doing better and be able to use mindfulness etc to keep myself on track.

I'm thinking that was a mistake now though. Some major stress is building at work and then finding my daughters med stockpile yesterday has me majorly anxious. If I could keep all stressful situations out of my life I guess I would probably be ok. But realistically, that isn't going to happen. My insurance has finally started paying again so I guess I'm ok there too. I might see if I can move my next appointment up a week.

Why is it that CPTSD constantly makes you think that you are ok, that you really don't, or shouldn't have a problem. Must be bad coping mechanism that was created "during those years".
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"Do you know what’s really scary? You want to forget something. Totally wipe it off your mind. But you never can. It can’t go away, you see. And… and it follows you around like a ghost."
~ A Tale of Two Sisters (Janghwa, Hongryeon) (2003)

"I feel like an outsider, and I always will feel like one. I’ve always felt that I wasn’t a member of any particular group."
~ Anne Rice
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  #20  
Old Sep 02, 2017, 04:37 AM
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Why is it that CPTSD constantly makes you think that you are ok, that you really don't, or shouldn't have a problem. Must be bad coping mechanism that was created "during those years".
Yes, I hate that it does that. It feels like a life sentence at times.
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  #21  
Old Sep 02, 2017, 12:43 PM
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Yes I guess there are pros and cons to short term versus long term therapy. I initially sought short term, but it sort of evolved as things unravelled. I'm not sure I would be where I am now, without long term therapy, but yes, as you say, it does feel like losing a friend (of 7 years). But the realisation of that has already changed the dynamic, I've taken a huge step back. I think if I need top ups in the future, I'll find a different T.

Do you feel it is helping you with the changes in your T's? I know I had develop trust in order to progress and that took a long time for me.
No I think the short term therapy does more harm and wastes a lot of time. At least in my case. Harm by, like what you said, not ever really being able to build that therapeutic relationship, which seems to be the Golden Rule of therapy. I can tell you are feeling the abandonment and distrust for this T because you are hurt. I do the same thing. If feel hurt by someone I build the walls and block them out from then on. Doesn't matter if they meant to hurt me, I felt that they hurt me. Did they mean to? Is it something so bad I have to block them out of my life? Am I seeing their side of the situation, or just mine?
Trust is hard for us and any T worth their weight knows that. You seem to care about this T. You think maybe you could let down the walls enough to hear his/her side and what the plans are moving forward?
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Old Sep 02, 2017, 12:58 PM
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She seems to be doing good right now. She and her boyfriend have been in their apartment for about a month, he's working, she started school last week.

But yesterday I found a stash of her meds when I was cleaning out her room so that I can move my office into there and convert my old office into a spare room/storage room. I was hoping that she would do more of the cleaning but she didn't and with school starting I know she isn't going to have time in the near future so, I told her I was going to work on cleaning it out. She stashed about 8 days of meds in a plastic bag, stuffed inside her laptop box. I was contemplating throwing it out but wanted to make sure there was no paperwork or discs in it, so there, inside a compartment within the box I found them.

So now I'm not sure if she's still on her meds, or has been tapering down, or if she just was saving some for her next attempt if it came to that.

I can never seem to get out from under this. But I have to keep looking at the fact that right now she seems to be very happy and she may have stock piled prior to meeting her boyfriend. I just don't know what it all means right now. They will be up sometime this weekend so I'm going to ask her about it then.
So happy for your daughter. That's got to make you smile to see her so happy. I hate that you found those meds. Are you sure you want to confront her about them? Things seem to be going well for you guys right now. If they have been there for over a month, is it really that important? She's a young woman, with her own life now. You are her mom and will always worry about her, that's a mom's job. But you have to support her now, she's doing really well, and you are happy for her. I can see where that would hurt a little and I think all parents have a little problem when they don't feel as needed by their child anymore. Not to say they are not very happy and proud of their kids for striking out and finding themselves. It's just so much of a parents life is put into protecting and guiding a child and the time goes by so quick.

Did you you prepare her enough for life outside the home? Did you teach her respect and responsibilities? Did you do the best you could? I am almost certain you did. So now you are seeing the unfolding of all your hard work, the beautiful person you groomed her to be. Be proud and let her test the waters of life. Being there every time to catch her when she slips up, or to point that out to her, is giving her a false sense of her strength. You know we became strong from going through our own mistakes/hardships and working through them. Strength is not a given, I don't think. I know you love her with all your heart and I'm so glad she's close by to help you with this empty nest period. You guys are starting a whole new chapter to your relationship now
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Old Sep 02, 2017, 01:00 PM
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Sorry to butt in on your conversation here. I recently decided to reduce my sessions with my therapist to once a month, partially because my insurance company was delaying on paying, partially because I wanted to see where I was going "to land" after my daughter moved out and I wasn't constantly stressing about how she was doing. She's got her boyfriend now and he seems really nice and caring. They seem like soulmates. I thought that I may just come out of all it doing better and be able to use mindfulness etc to keep myself on track.

I'm thinking that was a mistake now though. Some major stress is building at work and then finding my daughters med stockpile yesterday has me majorly anxious. If I could keep all stressful situations out of my life I guess I would probably be ok. But realistically, that isn't going to happen. My insurance has finally started paying again so I guess I'm ok there too. I might see if I can move my next appointment up a week.

Why is it that CPTSD constantly makes you think that you are ok, that you really don't, or shouldn't have a problem. Must be bad coping mechanism that was created "during those years".
If insurance is paying keep going. What would it hurt to continue? Yes, CPTSD does suck. For me it's like having to learn all over again how to live and that's hard when you have so much life experience, a nice way to say being old to re-wire.
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Old Sep 02, 2017, 01:30 PM
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No I think the short term therapy does more harm and wastes a lot of time. At least in my case. Harm by, like what you said, not ever really being able to build that therapeutic relationship, which seems to be the Golden Rule of therapy. I can tell you are feeling the abandonment and distrust for this T because you are hurt. I do the same thing. If feel hurt by someone I build the walls and block them out from then on. Doesn't matter if they meant to hurt me, I felt that they hurt me. Did they mean to? Is it something so bad I have to block them out of my life? Am I seeing their side of the situation, or just mine?
Trust is hard for us and any T worth their weight knows that. You seem to care about this T. You think maybe you could let down the walls enough to hear his/her side and what the plans are moving forward?
I think, maybe, short term, focused therapy would have given me some skills to try and self manage, but I do think, I have gained from long term therapy, despite the negatives of now losing that weekly support.

Yes, you are right, part of me is hurt. T was providing that parental role, that I missed out on. I have to accept, that it can never completely mend or replace it and know T has worked hard to silence my 'inner critic' and foster more self compassion. I guess there is nothing more that can be achieved with T and now I just have to practice these things.

Rationally, I know T has my best interests at heart and doesn't want me to be stuck in a dependent relationship.

I just, I suppose, feel a bit pathetic and I also feel vulnerable and am not good at showing my weaknesses.

Still don't know how the next session will pan out. But am trying to be open minded / reflective.
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  #25  
Old Sep 02, 2017, 02:34 PM
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I think, maybe, short term, focused therapy would have given me some skills to try and self manage, but I do think, I have gained from long term therapy, despite the negatives of now losing that weekly support.

Yes, you are right, part of me is hurt. T was providing that parental role, that I missed out on. I have to accept, that it can never completely mend or replace it and know T has worked hard to silence my 'inner critic' and foster more self compassion. I guess there is nothing more that can be achieved with T and now I just have to practice these things.

Rationally, I know T has my best interests at heart and doesn't want me to be stuck in a dependent relationship.

I just, I suppose, feel a bit pathetic and I also feel vulnerable and am not good at showing my weaknesses.

Still don't know how the next session will pan out. But am trying to be open minded / reflective.
That's a very healthy way of processing that. I'm not sure how a T ever has that discussion with a client after so long. It must be hard for them as well, ya know? You are not showing a weakness this was a surprise for you and you need some time to digest what's taking place. You are a very fair minded person from what I know about you. I think having a thought out conversation with the T the next appointment will be very healing, but could be very emotional. The T should understand that and probably expects that to some extent.
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