cptsdvictim's journal

Yay.

Judging by only what was shown, the girls were better 😅😁

Back from shopping. Found short pants. Cheaper than I expected. Also searched for waterproof trekking shoes as the ones I've got started smelling. Couldn't find anything despite searching in 3 stores. The ones I liked and at a good price and my size were of a color I didn't like. So I didn't buy any. Let's hope the temperatures will drop and my feet will stay dry. It's almost freaking middle of August and the temperatures are still crazy high. Talk about climate change.

Right down my alley. Only that Kimberly is a billion times more resilient than me. It also probably doesn't help me that I've got sociopathic genes from both my parents, and, as a male with XY chromosomes, there's 100% chance of getting the sociopathic gene if at least one of my parents had it. I'm sure my brain and nervous system weren't as resilient because of it, though I've had a lot of multiple different traumas in my life. As a child and as an adult. Topping, of course, with the most recent (excluding homelessness) which happened in the pandemic, at work.

I'm totally the having repressed it and feeling disgust at others pain. I'm also in what a doctor told me, somatic pain. It's why I feel like a huge chunk of my back of the head is missing and why I feel pain there all the time. If I would've lived in a safe place, of my own, no strings attached, and, if I would've afforded therapy, I would've been doing somatic experiencing therapy. Alas, I'm broke, homeless, living in an unsafe shelter, and on a disability allowance that allows me to just eat and buy the bare minimum necessities. We live in oppressive systems concerned solely with power and not people well-being. How else would abuse happen in a society if it wasn't happening in all its strata?

Found a pair of Salomon XA PRO 3D V9 GTX Mens at a discount on the net and ordered a pair. Hopefully the size fits my feet. This footwear was suggested by chatgpt as shoes fit for smelly feet and that are waterproof. Fingers crossed.

I had them before, but it's so many years ago that I don't recall how they performed with my smelly feet. Maybe they've done well? Anyways, they had the color I like so that's a win.

Morning. Worked a bit. Though I solved the biggest bug of the app, I'm still encountering another bug where I've duplicate state being created at different locations in the memory and for the love of the Universe I cannot think of why it happens. I have a suspicion but it shouldn't really be happening as I'm starting clean slate every single time so the data should be refreshed and not maintained in memory. For some reason, somewhere it creates extra data when it shouldn't (and I've the checks for it not to do it). 1 hour and a ½ wasn't enough to further debug why this happens. Will need to spend more time. It's a very elusive issue. Maybe tomorrow morning I'll spend an hour on it and see if I can resolve it.

Now, relax time for about an hour before I start my day with the usual decaf small Americano with cold oat milk and a plain croissant 🥐 and then work.

Today's randomactsofkindness.org prompt: "Take a deep breath. Try again. —Brooke"

So timely as I'm struggling to fix the duplicates bug! 😄🙏🏻

At the cafe. I left two hours early. Felt down. I think it's the heat. Can't bare it. Managed to fix the duplicate bug. It is still unclear why my code changes fixed it so I asked a question to the library maintainers. Although, I expect their answer to be no. Strange. Very strange. Though, it works. No more duplicates.

Read arXiv papers. Now I'm going to drink my smoothie. It's a mix to energise oneself. Let's see if it works.

Other than that, going to relax.

Attempted to tackle a bug I thought is easy to fix, though it proves more difficult than expected. No biggie, it's low in priority. That's as much energy I had.

Then, I went to recycle my super smoothie plastic bottle. The machine was broken. 😄

Will use another one closer to the shelter.

And now, truly relax.

At the table where I'm sitting, I found a coke bottle leftover from previous user. I took it and emptied it. Will recycle it to get 15c. 😂😅😁👍🏻

I don't know why I'm angry/feeling flustered. Should've been content with the fact that I got that annoying bug fixed and merged in today.

I'd have liked to eat some Chana Masala or Indian food, in general. Something like what I ate during holiday, in the park. Alas, I'm broke and can't afford. 😔

With recycling bottles found from others, I guess I've become more German. 😂😄🤦🏻*♂️😅😁👍🏻

I think the C-PTSD got the best of me today.

In any case, recycled and with a previous coupon that I'd I payed only 1.50 bucks out of 1.95 for the tooth paste I bought. Good enough!

At the shelter. My shoes smell so bad that I had to put them inside the cabinet. Yet to receive the email that my new shoes have been dispatched. Once again, fingers crossed they're the right size.

How Current Events Are Triggering Your Trauma - YouTube