trust.. anger.. jealousy

I know that i have trust issues... not really suprising seeing what I went through..

What I am having difficulty with atm is jealousy, making me angry and stopping me from trusting.. I think??

I see a new 'chick' added to my BF fb and I flip out...
I see a name I recognise (female) on his fb and I click on her.. she is also friends with another guy I met online.. sooooo If my BF said he didn't met anyone else online then how do two VERY different guys know the same girl?

Rationally I know that I may be over reacting, I hate being like this - never had these feelings/emotions before..
He is allowed to have female friends.. hell I have a lot of guy friends...

I need to go back to bascis and learn to trust myself again - my choices, my decisions.. but how??

So you might just have some competition for his attention. Put on your A game girl. Clarify the status of your relationship with your BF.... is it monogomous... then what does that mean. What does his FB status say... single or in a relationship with Belle? What does yours say? Are you a couple or aren't you?

What are your needs, wants, desires from the relationship? Be clear with yourself and with him. Know your own mind and communicate it clearly so he knows what is required of him to win your heart and take your relationship forward. Maybe if you were more assertive you would be less insecure about everything. Follow your heart hun. There is nothing to fear but fear itself.

Hope you have a good yoga class. Love you Belle girl.

((((Dear dear Belle))))

I so feel for you right now. I don't know what to say except that you are worth something! You are worth everything! all the gold in the world, all the diamonds in the world the lot!

Nothing that anyone else could do or say reduces your worth; although it may reduce theirs. So trust yourself, and trust your intuition. If there is something nagging at you then bring it up. Just because you have had a bad experience it doesn't mean you are neurotic because you need answers and reassurance.

Sending you as much support as you need to help you see just how magical you are woman!

Rhiannon

Belle,

Trust issues are difficult to overcome. I have my own trust issues, but my friends do their best to listen and try to understand. Have you tried talking to your BF about these problems? Maybe if he doesn't at least try to understand or even care, it may be best to end your relationship with him. If he's not willing to cope then he doesn't deserve to be in a relationship with you. Perhaps breaking up would help you with your trust and jealousy issues.

How are you Belle? Thinking of you and hoping things are coming into place for you. Take good care.

I was a little amused that you knew both guys but your bf wasn't allowed to know that one girl? :-) Does your boyfriend play any of the games on facebook; lots of times people you don't know/"meet" ask you to be part of their group so they have a warm body count for their games; she could just be a friend of a friend's friend and your bf "nice" about it.

Thank you every one

Sanity - yes his FB status does read in a relations with me.. and mine reads in a relationship with him

After my little 'hissy fit' and speaking with him I feel bad actaully LOL but good too.

He wants to support me through any trust issues and insecurities. As he said he loves me (and that goes with the good and the bad). He understands that I have trust issues beacuse of Mark but wants to work through them together including helping me build my self confidence too.

Perna I didn't have a problem with him being friends with the girls - it was that I thought he had lied to me when he said that he hadn't met anyone else on the dating site.
Turns out that he actually KNOWS the girls

Missyisflying he is more than willing to talk through everything - says that I have to tell him whats going on in my head - especially if it's bad thoughts.. I just feel that I am putting him through hell at so early a stage in our relationship

I am limiting my time on FB - seems to stress me out LOL - always looking for something wrong or untrustworthy about louis on there... so if I don't look at his page that often maybe I can make myself stop looking for faults that don't exisit!!

Thanks Girls Once again you are life savers.. and a really big thanks to Muser and Sanity - for being there for me when I really need to talk

Thanks for the update Belle. It sounds like you are bravely trusting yourself to speak your truth and it is paying off big time. I think I am in love with Louis. LOL. He treats you so tenderly and with such patience and kindness. Nice!

Anytime sweet thing...we luv ya!!

So it's been a really good 4 days... just realised its only been 4 days since I had my last 'crisis' that doesn't seem like long at all.

Today I am feeling unsettled.

I spoke with him about an hour ago so I should be feeling content
Not really sure why I am starting to feel like I am - can't even really put a name to the emotion, which is why I am writing here.

It's the way he says at the end of the conversations "love you lots" - it feels 'off the cuff'... not deep and meaningful - does it have to feel deep and meaningful all of the time? I have explained to him that it should only be said when it is felt, that Mark continued to say it to me when he didn't feel it and that has put a bit of a stigma on the words for me. He says that he only says it because he DOES mean it.

See the more I write the nicer he sounds, so why the confusion in my head?

It's the weekend and I think that I am missing him. He told me today that after this contract is up then there is plenty more work for him.. some a bit closer to home and others overseas (India and Dubai). The overseas rosters are sort of better, 6 weeks away and 4 weeks back.. but geeze 6 weeks!! I struggle with 4. This contract doesn't end until early next year, so I am probably stressing for nothing, but for me if the realtionship is to work then he has to stick to what he said which was only a year more of working away... But the money is the lure, it will be close to $20,000 a month... yes it would set up a brilliant future but for there to be a future he needs to be here too.

Now i am just ranting and letting all my thoughts pour out of my head
did not mean this to be long post.

How can I cope with the up and down emotions? Writing helps, talking even better - especially with him. Any other tips?

(((((Belle))))))

I am a bit wasted today so not much energy to say much right now but wanted to offer you a big hug.

The thing that does jump out at me reading your post is the importance of staying in the moment. The story of your recovery.... I know... old news.... but it is still valid.

You are protecting your heart to your own peril. One way or another you are going to have to just let things unfold as they unfold with out needing to know what comes next.

Maybe you are not ready for a committed relationship. Have you really thought through what it is Belle wants from a relationship with Louis. You spend a lot of time trying to figure out what Louis wants, reading between lines to figure out what he says he wants, observing behaviours and wondering if you can believe him or not but what about Belle? Maybe make a list if that helps you focus on you alone.

His work schedule certainly would challenges any relationship and with your baggage it is like a triple wammy to try to find some stability. It definately makes it that much harder. It gives you way too much time to think while he is away. Maybe it is too much for you. Maybe it is asking too much of you. It can't be good for you to be left feeling like you are dangling in the air by yourself.... waiting, wondering, worrying.

Decide if this is going to work for you. Maybe it has good too far to fast. Maybe you need to be dating more than one guy. Maybe you need to take a break from dating all together.

I am not saying what you should or shouldn't do but I am encouraging you to take a step back and ask yourself if you really are ready for this. It just seems to me that if you were ready then you would be more comfortable just taking it as it comes. Enjoying the feelings and enjoying him without looking so far ahead. I get why you worry and I am so sorry having to deal with all these emotions.

I wish I knew how to ease your confusion. I wish you were having more fun instead of having to deal with all these questions and doubts.

Wishing you well.

Thanks Sanity

As always you are there to offer insight for me. I do think that i am ready for this relationship, I can't say that I would want one with anyone else other than Louis... It really does FEEL right. I don't want to date others or not to date... I do love him.

I think its more (like you say) that I get lonely and feel like I am - to put it nicely - swinging in the breeze while he is away. If I take a step back and look at it rationally, then the emotions that I do feel are frustration, sadness and joy - how can they all be there together LOL? Frustrated that he is away and that I miss the physical contact - touching hands, cuddling etc... Sadness that I can't have him here all of the time and then JOY that we have found each other and really the working away isn't forever.

Emotions are strange things, make you react to a situation in a way at probably isn't correct.. take a step back and then think about it and they are just feelings of the moment.

I think you have hit on something Belle. When you take a step back and look at this relationship with Louis now in the context of the bigger picture what do you see? What is the lesson it is bringing into your life now?

You have discovered it has a great deal to do with understanding your emotions and how those emotions play off of one another. Mix in the oddest of ways to react to the same condition. Maybe your fears have less to do with past hurts and more to do with future strengths.

A study on emotions and emotional intellegence might be in order.

Here are a couple of links that could start you off if you are interested... It will give you something to do to fill the time if nothing else comes of it....

Thes ones go into defining emotions...
http://changingminds.org/explanation...s/emotions.htm
http://eqi.org/emotions.htm

This one talks about emotional intellegence... even has a test you can take...
http://psychology.about.com/od/perso...onalintell.htm

Here's another test.... I love tests lol....
http://www.queendom.com/tests/access...idRegTest=1121

I am glad to hear you are seeking greater understanding. You sound up for the challenges.

(((( My 2 cents.... ))))

I think one reason you are looking for trouble is because last time you got totally blindsided. I think you are trying to beat it to the gate so you have more in control.
(which is understandable)

Old saying: "Never trouble trouble til trouble troubles you"

(easier said than done)

I still say you haven't accepted how deserving you are.

I think Muser is onto something.

Love the quote about trouble.

Thank you both

Sanity, I'll have a look at the links.. sounds good. Love you x

Muser, I think that is pretty spot on. I was blindsided and it was horrible. Now yes i am trying to get in first/find out first if anything is not right but I'm guessing that Louis is actually a good man.. I just have to realise that and yes realise that I DO deserve to be happy and have happiness for the rest of my life

Thanks girls, you are the best.

I talked with Lou last night, and it was good. It's more a feeling of being lonely when he is away (no matter how many people are around me) and yes the frustration of wondering if the relationship will really work.. it's been almost 3 months and in that time I have seen him 3 weeks grrrrr... I just don't want to be wasting my time - therefore the up and down emotions (sadness and anger plus the jealousy!) But i have fallen in love and I guess it just has to play out which ever way it can Who would have thought that I would actually feel love again and so shortly after Mark.