Grrrr!!!!!!!!!!

I'm so pissed right now. I'm so frustrated. I hate myself. I want to be able to express feelings and actually feel them. I had a crappy session with my T this morning. I can only imagine how frustrated she must be with me. I can intelectualize all day long about what I think about things but can never allow myself to feel. There is a disconnect. My heart and head are in two different places and never shall the two meet. If I could reach into my chest and rip these feelings out I would.

I'm sooooooooooooooo sick of being shut off from feelings. I've been stuffing them for 38years and I'm done. So done.

((((geez))))

I am sorry you are so angry and had a bad session with t. You do not deserve to hate yourself. I think there is a good reason you are disconnected and shut off from your emotions and I would say it is not your fault but something you had to do in order to deal with what you went through.

For me I do understand-although now I am finally getting them and do not know what I am supposed to do with them and I cannot seam to attach them to where they need to go.

For almost 47 years I have not had much with emotions other than fear and sadness. I would feel so upset when I could not allow myself to get too close to any emotion that I would not be able to express what I was really feeling.

I know that others got frustrated and I was even more frustrated at myself. But as I started working on things and facing truths that I had not faced recently, had a support team and supportive friend in place, and for the most part safer than I have ever been (although at times I have to question that), and I began to accept things I never would allow myself to even go near, the emotions seemed to come out of nowhere.

As hard as it was to not have emotions, over the past week I have felt almost like I wish I could shut them off again. But I know that I will be able to do this in time and somehow they will begin to make sense (or I am hoping so anyway).

You blocked out emotions for a reason and at the time it was something you felt you needed to do. I believe as you allow yourself to face and accept what you are dealing with in time when you are ready those emotions will come back. For me as those within that hold those emotions feel safe enough and they know I am ready to handle them they will continue to be released.

Breath ((((geez)))) they will come in time and you will be ready to deal with them. Until then, be kind to you and know that you are right where you are supposed to be. Sending gentle hugs and loving thoughts. Always.

dps

Thank you so much dps . Everything you said makes total sense. I'm praying for the day when these feelings come to the surface. I need to allow myself some space to honor them. It's not something I can force but I need the time and space. I'm a SAHM so I'm going to have to make the time and space. Thank you so much for your kind and thoughtful response.

Okay, hugs first

That entire post is filled with emotion. Hate, frustration, anger, contempt...

is there a particular emotion you want to sense, or perhaps it is more about certain situations, events or memories with which you want certain emotions?

All the above. There are emotions of hurt/sadness, vulnerability/love that I have missing in my life. I feel lost emotionally. If I can feel the hurt then I can process it and move on already and make myself vulnerable to love myself and become a better partner to my husband. When it comes to certain situations ie conflict with other people I shut down the second things become uncomfortable I then become a 'door mat'. When I think about experiences in my past with SA and abuse from my parents when growing up I'm afraid, shut down and frustrated about really feeling those emotions. Part of my 'programing' if you will has been to not express my feelings and in certain situations that has helped me survive but I'm done with surviving. The only emotions/feelings I seem to have about myself are self hate. Thank you for your response ((JD)) sorry for the negative tone in my post. Blah!

((((geez))))

You are feeling and expressing it, anger & hatred are emotions and obviously in your heart so what you really could do is get the the bottom of all the anger and let the gold shine through.

So hope you feel better soon geez

Kind of Ironic? I'm pissed about not feeling emotions. I have emotions about not feeling/expressing certain 'emotions' as pertains to situations etc.... Getting to the bottom of it is exactly what I need to do. I need to unlock a part of myself to move on.

If it helps I have another posting in Psychotherapy that has more of an answer: http://forums.psychcentral.com/showthread.php?t=154058 (TRIGGER)

I'm feeling a little bit of relief since posting this thread. Thank you all for being supportive and listening.

I was just "meditating"/reminiscing on your Maya Angelou quote.

One of the best things I got from therapy is when my T and I agreed I could no longer say "I don't know" and T told me to "check your heart" and that I would find whatever it was that I thought I didn't know. It was extremely embarrassing to sit there forever, trying to find where I kept my heart much less figure out what "on" it but I got better at it each time I forced myself to try.

Thank you for the suggestion! I will try that. I too say "I don't know or maybe this?"

Meditating btw is something I've been thinking about trying. Any suggestions? - a class perhaps?? - a book about it you could recomend?

I can really relate. Wow. Especially the part about translating everything into self-hate. But you are doing the hard work and even though it doesn't feel like progress it is.
Please be gentle with yourself.
You are entitled to be mad at other people.