Feeling guilty :(

My daughter is having financial problems and I am doing NOTHING to help. Well, I shouldn't say nothing, I helped get her kids back to school clothes...not a big deal.

She moved in with a friend and gave up her job because she thought she had a new/better job. That fell through. Now she has no $$, no job, and her "friends" that she is always helping don't seem to be able to return the favor. She is about to loose her car...which will make it difficult to find another job.

The situation is complicated. She's upset with me because I dislike these people (ex not so ex-boyfriend that was abusive) but her choices are poor. I know they are her choices to make but I can't keep picking up the pieces. She is an adult now and I spent many years running to the rescue....and it ends up back to this point eventually every time.

I know there comes a time when you have to allow your children to fail...but it's hard, especially with little ones involved.

Feeling very sad....

for sure, muser. this has to be difficult to know where to draw the line. i think you expressed yourself well in that your daughter just plain needs to grow up...it has to be hard tho when little ones are involved too.think your helping with clothes was good. and seeing your grandchilren must help your spirits and their's too. just try to be there for them as best you can. it creates worry i know, but you're right, your daughter needs to learn to make wiser choices. is there any way you discuss this with her...not pointing the finger at her but seeing if you two can brainstorm to a good solution for her...without giving her money...idk, it's complicated like u said. i hope she will make a u-turn and get a stable job. is there any way she can salvage the car, i.e. calling the lender or is she in too deep to save it from repo?
i know it's usually the mom's who feel guilty in cases like this but in fact you have nothing to feel guilty about. we are such nurturers we immediately jump to that negative emotion even tho the thought is irrational. don't i know?!!!

Thanks, Madi. I can't really talk to her when she is is a foul mood....very confrontational. I can't talk about it at home...goes over like a fart in church. I just want to lay my head on a soft shoulder and cry

It's hard to watch train wrecks with one's own children. My husband at one point made his grown son come over and give him his paycheck each week and they made a budget, prioritized and paid off his bills (son's mail "filing system" was under the seat of his car; he was wanted by police in 3 states but was more worried about a $10 check he'd bounced to a major grocery chain!). Sometimes getting really specific with help can help.

How much is the car payment? That would give her the car for a month and I'd think she'd fix her job situation by then, since what she has now has got to be uncomfortable for her? I'd have her bring the car payment slip and envelope to you and you write a check to them and put it in the mail (and/or go with her to pay in person).

I've never understood people who quit jobs before they get another; my husband's 1st wife's mother did that all the time (and raised her two girls). I wouldn't give up on your daughter's growing up; she is probably learning some positive things from all this. If you enforce some lessons (you won't pay her bills, am only paying/lending her the money for the car bill since you realize she needs it to find a new job, pronto!).

What a hard situation, especially around the little ones. It sounds like you are pretty clear in your own mind what you can and can't do for your daughter. Good for you. But I can still see how hard and sad it must make you feel. So glad you could share this with us here on PC. Good luck

Hi Muser,

Wish I knew the right thing to say. But I hear you.
Here is a hug:

ps. have you ever thought about therapy? I have found it helpful with relationships that are bringing me heartache -- a new way to look at things and also have someone who is on your side.

Elana

If it was one car payment it would be one thing but it is several and she's close to getting it repoed and insurance. I haven't ruled out helping but if I do it will be behind my BF's back and I just don't think I can do that.

She has a job in the works and maybe another friend that may help. I just know that in that past I have made it easy for her and found out she even laughed about it behind my back.

She's a bit older now and I hope wiser but as much as I love her so very very much and it pains me to even think of what it is like for the kids. She's a good mom...just doesn't have the discipline with her finances.

I'm trying not to be the enabler....that is why my BF is against it. He believes in the "tough love" theory. I ask...tough on who, right?

I would LOVE to see a T but have tried and then let it slide...my bad

I really appreciate the hugs and input from you all. I'm still on the fence....problems at home or problems with her??

after reading your last post, muser, well can you get yourself back in therapy? sometimes i can't fix a concern but i find talk therapy helps me sort things out along with the therapist's input. i know it will take time for your daughter to realize the error of her ways, so to speak, and it sure sounds like you need a good sounding board.
in some way or another all of us who have grown children have heartache over them. (hope i'm not over-generalizing) just want you to know you're not alone. they just need to find their own way and for some it is more difficult based on the choices they make.
your bf is trying to protect you i believe. it's so much easier when a person can step back from a situation and see it for what it is or isn't. but it's much more difficult when the heart strings are being pulled no matter what we know objectively.
since your daughter is still fuming i think you are wise to wait to speak with her. lots of good suggestios here re your thread. it might be good that your daughter is having to figure this out on her own. if she loses the car hopefully she will start to realize the consequences of her decisions.
i know it's difficult for you, but perhaps all this could be a turning point for her. it's like hitting an emotional bottom. maybe then you all can sit down and work out a solution but i believe, imho, you will need to be firm with the conditions you set re helping her, if at all. she has the assumption perhaps that you will bail her out of her jackpot.(saying this with a bit of knowledge re our pms)
keep us posted on how YOU are doing. we care and i am sorry you have been so upset.

Madi,

I think at times you are that soft shoulder I spoke of

I was afraid my troubles struck too much of a cord with you. I am comforted by your comments.

I've never made it past the front door of the T. I have bailed more than once. Scheduling and sometimes even calling to make the appointment is tough for me. I am never ever alone = work/home. Yes, I could go to my car and call with my cell. The last time I called the receptionist sounded like she was in worse shape than I was so I took a pass....again. I know, on that I gave up too easy. Not my norm.

So far I have not offered anything to assist my daughter but she and the kiddies are always on my mind. She has made NO attempt to contact me...maybe she knows I'm not up for contributions. I guess there more ways to parent than $$. I hope she makes it on her own. She will feel so much better about herself if she does.

Puts me in a funk though.

To add the the funk...now we have fear. I see her on facebook talking to her friend about moving away....again. Dear lord...I can't deal with this.....

(((((((((((MUSER)))))))))))

I do hope that she doesn't up and run off again, uprooting the kids from the new school

Am here anytime you need me xx

Thanks Belle....you are a good friend. I think Perna described well, "train wreck". That's what it feels like. Getting me down

I hear nothing and as you know I am used to hearing from them every day. I know....mama's got to cut the cord. We have been separated before but this just feels wrong.

I do hope that you end up hearing something from her soon... at the very least, just a "Hi Mom, love you"

XX

Thanks Belle...I hope so

I have to quote some wise words......

I can't change what is, but i can change how i deal with it.

with a little help from my friends....

Update:

Yesterday I got the nicest call from my daughter. I was upbeat and casual....let her fill me in on what she and the kids have been doing. She called back in the evening so I could talk to the kids. We are making plans to get together over the weekend.

So, did I create another catastrophe in my head or is it that she is getting a handle on things and felt better about calling. Either way...what ever headway she is making she did on her own and I happy for her....and let her know.