[So It Goes]

I can't really go into my entire story because it would simply take too long to relay... but right now, there's so much going on. It's so overwhelming. I can't shake this feeling of utter hopelessness and a complete lack of a future with anything positive.

All the family and friends I care about aside from my daughter are sick or have made unhealthy life decisions or both. I have limited my exposure to them but it still hurts tremendously to see them suffer. Soon I will be living alone again after many years, and I'm frightened I won't be able to handle it, that I'll just fall apart at the seams.

It seems there is nothing I can do to truly help anyone, even my child. I just want to have a little time to catch my breath. I feel myself inching closer to completely shutting down every day, having run this marathon for so long.

Is this all there really is to life? How can it be possible to withstand all this when I'm already down on the proverbial ground and the hits keep coming?

I'm strong but not this strong. It's never enough.

[Kymaro]

Give yourself a break, some days are just that way. Im sorry about your family but remember they made those choices, not you. I understand feeling of watching them suffer, but remember its not you that made those choices. Moving on to live alone can be challenging. I bet from what I've read with you, your strong and will make it work. Be light on yourself, dont set your expectations to high. Good luck, best wishes sent your way :-)

[Michah]

Spiritual fatigue often follows deep trauma or chronic situations.......it sounds to me that you are grieving.......grieving for your family, grieving for yourself, grieving for your child and so on. You are grieving for the moments of joy that you don't have......

The thing with joy and contentment is that it takes a lot of hard work and practice to acknowldege and participate in these feelings. Especially when life feels so "hopeless". It is hard to be joyful when "life" gets in the way.

The good thing is, is that you are AWARE that you are suffering. You know that this is not what you want. The hard part is working out how you can get what you want.......the answer always and only ever lies within. Sometimes though we need some help to process the barriers that are in the way of gaining our inner truth. Do you have someone professional that you can talk with?

Know that we are here, that you are loved dearly, and the answers WILL come.......I guarantee it. LOOK WITHIN. Keep talking and take care of your very precious self

Michah

Hello, So It Goes.

http://psychcentral.com/stress/
http://www.helpguide.org/mental/stress_signs.htm

[Leed]

Bless your heart ~ It almost sounds like you're trying to trip your familys' land-mines for them. You can't do that. You've got to let them live their own lives, and make their own mistakes and reap their own consequences. Do not enable them by bailing them out of situations that they get themselves in, even if it's just moral support!! You only have just so much strength!!!

All too often, we take on our family's pain ~ when something goes wrong, or someone gets into trouble ~ there we are, right in the middle of it trying to alleviate things so that no one has to suffer. But what about US???

I'm positive that you're a very kind, loving person and you give of yourself freely. TOO freely ~ and I right? The trouble is you don't leave yourself anything. You're bankrupt when YOU need something. And if your child pulls on you besides, good grief ~ you'll fall apart.

Leave everyone else alone, and let them take care of their own problems. You will be doing them a favor -- maybe they'll finally grow up. They may not like it initially, but oh well. They will thank you later. As for your own child, guide him/her but don't do it for them. It's up to THEM to take care of things if they're adults (or teenagers for that matter!). Give yourself the attention you deserve. God bless. Hugs, Lee

{{{{{So*it*Goes}}}}}

With so much happening in your life that's hurting you,do you stop and consider yourself?You need to wonder what you need.What will make you feel good and be kind to you in your self talk and in your action.Meeting your needs.
At some point you need to step back,and ask yourself..."How can I reduce the things which contribute to my anxiety or overly assuming responsibility for others,so as to minimize the amount of stress and negative input which fills my head?"
You are a caretaker.Those who are making unhealthy decisions for themselves,ultimately need to draw the lines for themselves,as no amount of your worry will ever alter the decisions of others.You can offer a hug.You can lend an ear.You can offer advice.But,you cannot be responsible for the action or inaction that others choose or fail to choose.
I understand your fear of living alone.I think that if you can focus some energy on creating inserts of activities,such as art,outings,responsibilities,visiting nice places regularily...maybe library,museum,community events,art showings.....as well as practice some sort of schedualed meditation 10 min in a day 1 or 2 x a day....a time where you "have to" watch a comedy...or something which makes you smile /laugh....even if 30 minutes a day......a brisk 5 or 10 minute walk or exercise,maybe even a limited amount of W.O.W lol....Just some ideas...but if some of these things are well placed in a loose timeline on a daily or otherwise format...(but regular)You will break some of the monotony,and lessen the opportunity to have the mind take over as much.
Those family and friends were/are better off for having had you in their lives.I don't mean to say that you have to feel superior or insinuate that you had been a perfect human at all times in their lives...because no one can be...but your posts indicate your heart.
Can you really,truly believe that the involvement you have in your daughters life is of no consequence? I have to strongly disagree.There are factors involved outside your ability to effect.You know that.You need perspective.
If your heart tells you that you need to catch your breath...shut down...curl into a ball,and withdraw from things...then you need to allow the space for that.
You can't fix people.It isn't your job,nor is it in your power.You can support to a degree that doesn't rob you of your peace...then let go.
Is this all there is to life?I think we ask ourselves that question when life has hit a wall...and tend to lose sight of what there really is ...good in life.Like your impact on others...nature....events of a community sort....discovery....art......learning....etc.Remind you of those.That's a short list.
Breathe.....You ARE strong.Just not herculean.No one is.We are limited...sometimes there's only so much you can do...and it has to be enough.
~W~

[So It Goes]

wolfsong,

Originally Posted by wolfsong

If your heart tells you that you need to catch your breath...shut down...curl into a ball,and withdraw from things...then you need to allow the space for that.

This really hit home. I've never had anyone tell me that curling up into a ball and withdrawing was okay. Only that it wasn't. That I couldn't let "being down" or depression win, not even for a second. So when it's happened due to what I know now is natural limitation, I've felt like I've failed, that there was something wrong with me that I couldn't handle everything all the time.

Many of the more unhealthy people in my life, those that I have had to pull away from, expected this of me. It started with my mother, for whom I had to "be strong" after my parent's divorce. I wasn't really strong for her. I just hid everything, stuffed it down until I couldn't feel it anymore. It was the only way I could deal with the situation because there was so much I couldn't tell her. I couldn't even miss my father in front of her without her becoming angry. It formed a pattern, one which persisted for the remainder of my childhood and teenage years. I cannot directly communicate any issues I have with her without comparisons or judgments.

This resonated through my relationships over the years as I thought this was the norm. When I encountered it later I accepted it as such instead of pushing back against these unrealistic expectations.

You are right about the question "is this all there really is to life" being asked at a moment where I've hit a brick wall. In examining everything the past few days I know I have lacked perspective because of the enormity of my feelings. I've tried to take a step back and not be so "black and white" in my thinking. It's difficult to change those basic thought processes because of the urge to "knee jerk" right back into that thinking but I'm trying to just set the issues down while I feel overwhelmed and not make decisions about them or myself while I am so emotional. I feel this is an important first step in regaining control of my thought processes.

Thanks for your response, it has helped a great deal.

You're welcome.But wouldn't you tell a good friend the same thing?I think if we can somehow separate from ourselves and imagine we are someone else,we can ask ourselves what we'd tell a person who said/felt how we do.That's a piece of the strong point in journaling.You can write it out and respond to it as well.
It doesn't mean it 'wins'.It means you are being realistic that we aren't super heros.There seem to be perfect people out there.I see them in the movies.I see them in corporate offices.I see them every where I go.They're perfect.They look great,drive expensive cars,have great looking/acting spouses/kids.Commercials prove everyone is happy.Billboards.
Not reality.Everyone has skeletons.There's so much going on that you and I can't see in secret.Do you honestly believe anyone can handle all things all the time?Did you see the movie..."When a man loves a woman"?The scene where the wife Meg Ryan is falling to bits and at some juncture the husband says to her...you have all you can deal with ....with your little spoon and coffee....Then at the end...she's in A.A and her truths are spoken.So much more to the movie.That's a movie of my life.I can't not cry watching it.
With realization of pattern and origination...comes a power that hadn't existed in the time where this all began.If some one said find an average for these statistics...and refused to give you the statistics...could you give any sort of average?
You know now it isn't the norm.You are gaining insight.
That's right find the gray area.It IS super hard to change engrained life long patterns of thought /behavior.But it is NOT impossible.Tiny bits at a time...just keep striving.
Trauma swallows us.Pulls us back to the scene of the emotional injury.If we can slow the spiral mid or early "swallow",sometimes a distraction from the 'reliving/rehashing' at a moment it is too intense ...then going back to it later ,lessens it's impact.So,oscillate your attention.Pattern interrupt.
We relive things in a variety of ways...bodily memories,emotions,and thoughts.So if one point of focus is overwhelming switch to another.
So keeping one part of your mind in the present,noticing what you smell now,what sounds you hear,what you are looking at....ground yourself where you are.
There are alot of ways to ground.Walking barefoot,balancing,think of a soothing texture,an especially soothing article of clothing.
Seeing options.Because there are options.And I will come back to this.Because it is forcing me to help myself.(Smiles).....~W~

[So It Goes]

I'm going to keep coming back to this, too. I agree completely about finding ways of interrupting patterns. I am re-educating myself to not think in such absolute terms. Life won't always be like this. It can't be, there has to be a break somewhere, but I think it's going to be up to me to find it rather than waiting for circumstances to dictate when and where.

I guess it all comes down to taking a more direct role in my own feelings, whether it's happiness or sadness or despair. It's a process, and I need to work on treating it as such rather than expecting things to change for the better suddenly.

I have to admit, this has been the hardest struggle I've faced. I've been spoiled by the ease in which I learn many things, so struggling to learn these emotional concepts has been very difficult. Time, patience and hard work will be the key here, not quick fixes. There may be no solutions to the external events that occur in much of my life but there are solutions within to change how I deal with these events.

Just want to drop by and say...as I have previously,I still haven't gotten over my past....may never quit 're-living'it.But,we can claim more spots in the sun on the days that we are able to pick ourselves up,dust ourselves off and wander out searching for a patch of lush grass.We may find life dry and barren somedays...but we went out and sought the grass.We can give ourselves permission to hybernate when we must.~W~

[imafloridagirl]

Originally Posted by wolfsong

{{{{{So*it*Goes}}}}}

With so much happening in your life that's hurting you,do you stop and consider yourself?You need to wonder what you need.What will make you feel good and be kind to you in your self talk and in your action.Meeting your needs.
At some point you need to step back,and ask yourself..."How can I reduce the things which contribute to my anxiety or overly assuming responsibility for others,so as to minimize the amount of stress and negative input which fills my head?"
You are a caretaker.Those who are making unhealthy decisions for themselves,ultimately need to draw the lines for themselves,as no amount of your worry will ever alter the decisions of others.You can offer a hug.You can lend an ear.You can offer advice.But,you cannot be responsible for the action or inaction that others choose or fail to choose.
I understand your fear of living alone.I think that if you can focus some energy on creating inserts of activities,such as art,outings,responsibilities,visiting nice places regularily...maybe library,museum,community events,art showings.....as well as practice some sort of schedualed meditation 10 min in a day 1 or 2 x a day....a time where you "have to" watch a comedy...or something which makes you smile /laugh....even if 30 minutes a day......a brisk 5 or 10 minute walk or exercise,maybe even a limited amount of W.O.W lol....Just some ideas...but if some of these things are well placed in a loose timeline on a daily or otherwise format...(but regular)You will break some of the monotony,and lessen the opportunity to have the mind take over as much.
Those family and friends were/are better off for having had you in their lives.I don't mean to say that you have to feel superior or insinuate that you had been a perfect human at all times in their lives...because no one can be...but your posts indicate your heart.
Can you really,truly believe that the involvement you have in your daughters life is of no consequence? I have to strongly disagree.There are factors involved outside your ability to effect.You know that.You need perspective.
If your heart tells you that you need to catch your breath...shut down...curl into a ball,and withdraw from things...then you need to allow the space for that.
You can't fix people.It isn't your job,nor is it in your power.You can support to a degree that doesn't rob you of your peace...then let go.
Is this all there is to life?I think we ask ourselves that question when life has hit a wall...and tend to lose sight of what there really is ...good in life.Like your impact on others...nature....events of a community sort....discovery....art......learning....etc.Remind you of those.That's a short list.
Breathe.....You ARE strong.Just not herculean.No one is.We are limited...sometimes there's only so much you can do...and it has to be enough.
~W~

I am so glad you directed me to this thread. You are very insightful. My therapist has sort of explained how to do types of things/grounding and gave me a handout. You put out how to use them or I should say you explained them better. I had stopped going because I really had a hard time believing that I would benefit from therapy, but maybe they do have some good ideas. Although I am her first patient shes treated with this disorder. Thank you for bringing a little hope into my world.

[violetmoons]

thanks for this all.

imafloridagirl....You're welcome.There's a ton of info on the web on cbt/dbt therapies,available to you.Hit google n seek...n you shall find.....never give up unless you are absolutely forced to...(Mums contraindicative famous words to me from age 5...up)~W~

(((((So it goes)))))....thinking of you.....Wolfie