Guilt.

I have no right to be in therapy.. No right to not be in school.. No right to continually whine and complain about my life and my problems. I should be fine, I should be 100% happy, enjoying my time and my life. I shouldn't worry about what health issues I might have, I shouldn't have been depressed or let people take advantage of my personality or let my past issues come back and take me down.. I was fine for so long.. Why did I suddenly get weak? I shouldn't so abnormal.. I should be completely healthy like everyone else. Other people have gotten out of everything absolutely fine.. So I've only done this to myself, haven't I?

No, you did not choose to be depressed, to feel so bad. Seeking help is not weakness, it takes strength and maturity.

I too feel like I should be happy and enjoying life, living it up. But I'm not. I did not choose to feel this way nor did I do anything to cause it. But I'm determined to get better.

As far as completely healthy, there isn't anyone who is completely healthy; everyone has some problem or another. It's just a part of being alive, existing.

Hi,

Please don't feel you're to blame for how you're feeling. You did not choose this. I know how it feels. I've felt guilty, at times ashamed, for having depression and other issues. But it's not our fault. I've had a good life, I have a good life and often think why me, how come I've got all these good things around me and still feel like this... It goes to show that it's not out choice. All we can do is try to make ourselves better. It's a daily struggle and we won't always win but we need to keep trying.

Hugs,

Addie

Good heavens, if what you're saying was true, then people who have cancer have no right to have it or whine because they have it!!! You didn't WANT to have any illness -- you didn't ASK for it. None of us did.

These things happen out of nowhere, without our permission! We don't bring them on consciously. We don't TRY to get depressed, or bi-polar, or any of the other mental illnesses. I had a mental breakdown, and I sure didn't ask to have that happen to me.

We could have the happiest, most secure life and STILL have a mental illness. No one is immune to it, and it doesn't pick and choose who gets it.

PLEASE throw away that guilt - it doesn't belong to you. You have NOTHING to feel guilty about. NOTHING. You didn't "do this to yourself." None of us did, dearheart. God bless. Hugs, Lee

I understand.. It's just I'm completely breaking down constantly. I'm always canceling my therapy sessions and only getting 3 hours sleep everyday so I end up feeling ill. The health issues I may have are from me not eating properly, not eating enough or not taking my vitamins. Every time something new pops up that I'm scared about I'm reminded that it's my fault cause I don't take care of myself. Way more often than not I'm informed that if I don't change I'm going to die and it seems like they wash their hands of it.

Of course I'm old enough to feed myself, and understand what is healthy and what is not, and that people who are there to help me I should see but there is a caring/motivational factor here that is ignored.. so it always comes down to if you're sick, it's your fault cause you didn't drink orange juice. If you're sad it's your fault for letting yourself think about things that make you sad. If you die one day from malnutrition because depression made you have no appetite, well that's your fault for not eating anyway. If you don't care that's your fault because you have to force yourself to and if you still don't care then that makes you a horrible person because people have it worse and you're abusing a good situation.

No matter what it is, whether I put it on myself or life put it on me it seems to get twisted in a way that makes it clear that it's my fault.

Hi,
I can so relate to what you're saying!
I just recently got here and in my introduction I said I'm doing fairly good these days but afraid it soon will end. One of the reasons being that I don't know how long I can keep up doing the things that "make me better". Just like you I know all the things I need to do to make me feel better but not always I find the strength to do them. Eating right, exercising, meditating, running small errands, these things can seem insurmountable at times. And yet they do make me feel better... It's not you, it's not me. It's the darkness that exists within. All I can say is try to do one small things at a time. Don't try to do it all in one go or it will seem too much to bear. Don't add that extra weight on your shoulders. Just do one bit. Take a baby step. It takes time and patience and we do break down completely at times, I know I do... Do remember this was not your choice! Even if you can rationalize it to the point it seems to be. It is not! If all you can do today is drink an orange juice, do that. If it's catching some sun light for a few minutes do that, or take your vitamins. Just do one thing. And you'll have small victory. Celebrate it, you deserve it.

Hugs,

Addie

Thanks.. But a lot of the guilt doesn't come from me.. It comes from family and friends as well. There's always something that's my fault.. Even professionals have blamed me getting kicked out of a program when in fact most of it was the fault of my dad. Therapists and counselors just sat there letting me cry my eyes out and added to the problem by describing why it was my fault. Then they sent me home exclaiming how worried they were about me killing myself.. First they kicked me out of treatment, blamed me, got me in tears, even more depressed and tried to act like they cared if I died or not..

Because of this I was miserable for weeks until my social worker told me that it was mostly cause of the lack of contact between my parents and them, and it wasn't my fault really at all.. I don't know why a group of professionals working in a hospital with teens who are depressed would do that..

I don't know how not to put everything on myself when the entire world wants to manipulate me into taking the blame. You got beat up cause you didn't punch her back, they hurt you because you let yourself trust them.. You're failing in everything because you're emotionally weak and stupid.. This blame has been put on me for years.. I don't know how to think any other way?

I'm always getting blamed for things which I have no control over.
I can't find the proper words to express what I feel, but this thread has really struck a chord with me; it all sounds so familiar.

I guess it comes with the territory, feeling guilty and feel the blame... Your posts do resonate a lot with me too. But please do not blame yourself for things you have no control. As it often turns out, it wasn't your fault. Do your best, do the best you can each day. Some days you won't be able to do much, others you'll be able to do more. As I said before, baby steps. But most important, remember that most of those things are out of your control.

Be kind to yourself. You deserve it.

Hugs,

Addie