[JustDontAsk]

This is my first post, so it is going to be kind of long because I want people to know about me and where I'm coming from. Also, I didn't really know where to post this, but I think this is an okay category.

This is all background information that I feel is possibly relevant to my problems. It is quite lengthy though, so I bolded another sentence later on in this post to label where my current issues are.

My parents divorced when I was 5 or 6 if I remember correctly, and at the time, it did not seem like a big deal. Both of my parents are good people, they have never hit me, and they don't drink, smoke or do drugs, and I am thankful for that. But as I got older, I started to wonder why, why they got divorced and why they never tell me what happened.

I started wondering most about this in the summer after 8th grade, and it really started to bother me. I'm a smart kid, (I have a 4.0 through 5 semesters of high school) so I started to put some things together to come up with an idea of what happened, why my life is what it is...what I came up with was my mom cheated on my dad with a family friend.

I had a lot of puzzle pieces that I put together to come up with the assumption, so I will share some of those. When I was younger, I would remember my mom going over to this family friend's house, but his wife would not be home. My brother and I would play with his four kids while they went off somewhere. I never found out where, but it never bothered me because I didn't think much of it then. Later, when my dad would talk about this family friend after the divorce, he would get extremely upset and angry, even when he was holding back all of the emotion I could tell he was feeling. There was also an occasion when my step dad was talking about how he saw my dad somewhere, but my dad would not say anything to him. As I was leaving the room, I heard my step dad say, and I quote, "I don't know why he is still so upset about that; it was years ago since that happened." I also had my step sister (my step dad's daughter) tell me that my mom and her dad were having an affair. When I was little, I also remember walking in on one of my parents' fights. I can now assume the reasons why.

At this point, I had a pretty good guess on what happened between my parents, but I couldn't be for sure until I talked with them. I talked to one of my athletics coaches, and she had a guess on what had happened but would not tell me until I talked to one or both of my parents. With her help, I finally was able to find a way to talk to my parents, which was another clue as to what had happened.

I talked to my dad first, and he confirmed what I had expected. His reaction was also more believable as he choked back tears to tell me. But the thing was, he also took some of the blame, and I was not expecting that. He talked about how he should have done more to help out, been home more, done more with my mom. He was responsible enough to accept that he did those things. He would spend nights in the winter playing basketball because I remember going with to watch, and in the summer, he would play slow pitch softball. I remember this too even though I was at a young age.

My mom's reaction and story was far less believable. The talks we have consist of her verbally attacking my dad, and that hurts me when she talks about him like that. She talked about all the things my dad admitted to, among other things. She accused HIM of cheating on HER with someone else, but I never noticed that when I was younger. I wouldn't though because he was not home a lot. She also denies the fact that she had an affair. This hurts me because I feel like she is lying to me. And I have given her many chances to come clean. It's not so bad that she did it because it IS in the past; I CAN'T change it now. In fact, I never could change it because it is not my fault, never has been. I understand that, but it's the fact that I don't think I can trust her. The thing that bothered me with her the most was that she never took ANY of the blame. It was everything my dad did wrong, it was his fault. She still does this to this day when she gets the chance, and sometimes she takes it out on me since my dad isn't there.

For example, my dad allows me to use a car to go to and from school and other activities, but I am allowed to drive it to my mom's too. My mom and step dad wanted an extra key so that they could move it while I was at my dad's in case of an emergency. I told my dad, and he said no for a number of different reasons. I relayed the message, which I shouldn't even have to do in the first place because I am not a messenger, but I did anyways. I sat in the living room with them for fifteen minutes listening to them yell at me for what my dad said. I ended up leaving because I decided that I don't deserve to be yelled at like that when I didn't do anything. Yeah, I got in trouble for that too...

I coped through sports for these many years, and that works for me. At least until I get injured. These are the times I struggle most, and I think a lot. Too much, actually. Recently, I injured a ligament in my fingers/hand/arm, and I only went back to sports on Tuesday (1-17-12). I already am noticing a change in my mood, and I am grateful for this.

This is where the discussion on my emotions begins.

I'm not as bothered by the divorce as I was a few years ago, but it still crosses my mind every once in a while. I just think it has caused issues for me now, so I'm just going to list them as they come to mind.

I feel like I have somewhat chosen sides concerning my parents divorce. After my mom and dad both talked to me, my relationship with my dad increased, and the relationship with my mom decreased. I don't know if this is the "right" choice or not, or if there even is a "right" choice. I don't even know who is honestly telling the truth. There are always three sides to a story: person one's story, person two's story, and the truth. But I will probably never know the whole truth, and that's the way it is; I just have to accept that. But what if I am choosing the "wrong" side? What if my dad is lying to me, what will that do to our relationship if I ever find out? I'm afraid that if I look more into the situation, I'll be hurt again or even more if he did lie to me or did not tell me the whole truth. I know I should probably leave it in the past because it cannot be changed now, but I also feel like I have a right to know since it has affected my life in this way.

I never feel like I'm good enough for my mom. During days that I do not have school, she tends to give me a to-do list. Sometimes there are a lot of things on it, and I want some time to myself too. I can hand-wash dishes, wash my car, take out the trash, vacuum and do 4-5 loads of laundry along with making my own breakfast and lunch, but it's not enough for her because I forgot to sweep the bathroom floors. Sorry I guess? I don't know why that wasn't good enough because I did a lot that would not have gotten done if I was at school or playing sports.

I also think that she tends to favor my brother over me. I think this might be because my brother is more like my mom than I am, as I am like my dad. My mom and brother are into music, and I am into sports like my dad. I quit playing, and she was upset with this because I was really good. I just love sports so much more. I think she favors him because she will make up some excuses to get him out of doing something and make me do it instead. She will say, "Come wash the dishes since (my brother) was outside earlier." Well washing the dishes is not that bad, but he never does anything outside to help. He just goes outside because they ask him too. And a lot of the times they are burning outside, and if I go out, it triggers my asthma. I prefer to breathe. (:

I also tend to get in trouble more than my brother even when I shouldn't. I have a great sense of humor (I get it from my dad), but she never finds it funny. I wonder sometimes if it is because it is like my dad's, but that shouldn't make a difference. I can make a comment, and she yells at me, but my brother will say something similar and it's okay. Or if he says a negative comment towards me or calls me names using profane language, she doesn't believe me or doesn't punish him. If I call him "stupid," I get yelled at for five minutes over it. Not quite sure how that works...

It seems like I am stuck in the middle of everything too. I tend to be the "middle-man" between my parents. I find it sad that they cannot get along long enough to communicate between each other. I don't feel like being the messenger is my job. Am I wrong for feeling this way?

Although I feel the ways listed above, this is my biggest issue and strongest emotion at the moment. I get so aggravated, irritated, and sometimes angry at the smallest things. My mom can ask me how my day was, and I snap back. "Fine, why?" Almost everything is disrespectful to her even though I don't mean to be. She just seems to want to have so much control over me, but I want some space and freedom. I know she cares and means well, but when I get into the situation, I find myself doing the same thing. I know this more than likely hurts her too, as she tends to get quiet after I show disrespect. I do it to my dad sometimes too though, just not as frequently. (This also increases during my injuries; I don't know if that has anything to do with it.)

I feel alone a lot of times. I find myself spending a lot of time in the basement, in my room, on my computer and watching athletic events. Sports is basically my life, but I only share that with my dad, and I don't go to his house as much as I live at my mom's. My mom tries to do things with me, but I'm just not interested in what she suggests, or I push her away. It's almost I don't want a relationship with her, but I don't know the cause of this unless it links back to the divorce. I just want freedom and some independence, is that too much to ask for? Am I doing the "wrong" thing for wanting this? I feel alone, yet I want to be left alone, is that normal? I don't know what to think...

I have considered going to live with my dad 100% of the time, but I don't think I can do it. I like it a lot better there, and I am happier there, but I don't want to hurt my mom, even though she has hurt me emotionally more than once. I have managed this situation for 10+ years, I think I can make it for two more. At least I hope I can...

More than anything, I am just confused. I'm confused on how to feel, what to think, what to say and what to do. I know I need to change myself for the better, and I am willing to try if I only knew how. I was hoping that somebody on here will be kind enough to read this post and help me out. I do still have a good relationship with my coach, but I don't want to text her about things that I may be overreacting about because she has a life too, and I don't feel like I am really worth her time.

Again, I apologize for the length. Any suggestions on how to change or opinions on why I feel the way I do would be greatly appreciated. Thank you again for your time.

JustDontAsk

[Leed]

Hi ~ I'm sorry you're feeling torn. This happens alot with kids of divorced parents, but just being a teenager is rough! The desire of privacy and independence is normal, but you must realize that right now you're just too young to have complete independence --- you may feel that you're ready for it, but believe me --- you're not. Even when I left home at 18, I wanted to go back. LOL It's a scary world out there!

I guess I can understand your feelings about your parents divorce, but to be perfectly honest (and please don't take this the way that it sounds) it's really none of your business. LOL I wish you could hear the tone of my voice so you're not offended. LOL Your parents shouldn't have told you the "gory" details of the divorce -- just saying that they couldn't get along should have been enough. BOTH were to blame -- ONE person can NOT break up a marriage! It takes two. So please try to forgive your Mother. You really don't know why she was so unhappy back then.

Being stuck in the middle is a frequent problem for kids in a divorce situation. Perhaps you can sit your parents down and let them know that you do NOT want to carry messages back and forth -- and tell them nicely. It's not your job -- if your parents want to contact each other, they can do it by mail, or they can be civil and TALK to each other via phone. Tell them you feel like you're betraying each of them -- for example the key incident.

If you feel you would be happier living with Dad -- and it would be ok with Dad -- then CERTAINLY go ahead and do it! We're talking about your mental health here, and your happiness! Mom will get over it, and you will still see her. She's remarried, so she won't be alone. Stop feeling guilty about stuff -- you didn't do anything.

Perhaps it would be a good idea to speak to a therapist about some of these things. I've been in therapy off and on all my adult life and it's done me a world of good! There's no harm in trying it.

I wish you the very best! Please take care & God bless. Hugs, Lee

[JustDontAsk]

I guess independence is not the word I was necessarily looking for...maybe space is what I meant? I just don't like having people watching my every move all the time...

And just to make it clear, I'm not offended by anything you said. I don't tend to ever be that way. (: I guess I just feel like I should know because it affects my life every day. I just wanted to understand why, and if I should not feel that way, I'm sorry...It's my fault that I know anyway because I pressed for information until I confirmed my assumptions.

I find it difficult to forgive my mom. I am not near as bothered by the fact of what she did or didn't do because I don't even know for sure what is true. It just hurts when she lies to me. Being lied to hurts far more than the truth ever did.

And about being in the middle, who knows, maybe it's just me. Maybe I'm overreacting. Maybe I shouldn't make it such a big deal...it's not like it's anything extremely important...just a bunch of little things. I guess I still don't really want to or think I should have to deal with it.

I don't really feel as if I can go live with my dad at this point in my life. He as always told me I could just move in though, whenever I wanted to. My mom and I already have a bad relationship. I don't want something like that to push it over the edge. I'm not going to put myself before anybody else; it's just not something I do or have ever done. I find my needs less important than trying to create a better relationship...if that's even what I want? I'm not sure...Plus I would have to go to court to get custody changed, and they are going to want a reason. It's not really fair to go there and tell the court things that I can't even tell my own mom. It's for two more years, I have dealt with it for almost ten years if not longer. I'm pretty sure I can make it...

I don't have a therapist, and I don't think I will be able to because I can't talk to my parents about things like that. What I do have is a coach that really cares, and she helps me a lot with my issues regarding this topic. I just don't want to be a waste of her time...I'm not much for talking face-to-face about my issues either. I tend to shut down a little bit if my coach asks me in person. Because of this, I don't think I would be able to talk to my counselor at school either.

Thanks for the reply, Lee. I really appreciate it! (:

JustDontAsk

[Leed]

Hi ~ You wouldn't have to go back to court about the custody thing if all parties agree to it. The court doesn't have to know.

Don't take this wrong, but I don't think you REALLY wanted any suggestions. LOL I gave you a few, and totally agreed with you, but yet when I made any suggestions, you shot every one of them down. LOL Perhaps you just wanted to vent. That's perfectly okay.

I wish you the very best. I hope things work out for you. Take care & God bless. Hugs, Lee

[JustDontAsk]

My guess is my mom won't agree, but I'd never know if I didn't try...but that's the hard part, trying to find the courage to bring it up and ask about it...

I didn't mean to come off that way, but I do want suggestions. I guess I just wanted to make sure you understood where I was coming from. Not many people do...I don't mean to be uncooperative. I do want to change, believe it or not, it's just that it's been this way for so long that I don't know where the first step should be...

Thank you for replying again.

JustDontAsk

hey, justdontask - okay, i've now read this thread as well as your other one. you talk a lot about your relationships with your parents. aside from your coach, i do not hear you discussing relationships with others and that part of your life seems to be missing, e.g., no gf. granted, you are young to be in a serious relationship but i am hearing no mention of friends. and that has me concerned.

i am sorry that your parents do not get along and that the divorce has affected your relationship with them. i wish you were more concerned with relationships with others; instead, your concern seems to be getting along with your parents and their bitter divorce. let me say this: YOUR LIFE is the most important thing here.

your mom seems to favor your brother and gives you a lot of chores. it's normal for a parent to have favorite children but it can also be harmful to the non-favorite children. i am concerned about all the chores your mom assigns you and her lack of interest in your life. and, i am very concerned that the emotional focus of your life is on getting along with your parents and acting as the communication middleman because they don't get along.

i think you should seek counseling. seriously. you need to focus your life on YOU, not on getting along with your folks. i'd like to hear how you're getting along with peers, if you have interest in a specific career or two, if you are dating (and, if not, why) and, other than competitive sports, what you do for fun with friends.

i think you might be better off living with dad. screw the courts. do what is best for you because you are at a key moment in your life and the troubling patterns here could affect you for years afterwards if things are not worked out. you should be focusing on things other than your relationship with your parents. it appears you are not receiving the attention and nuturing needed from your mom. in that relationship, you are going through the motions and doing the chores but the emotional connect is not there. and that has to hurt a lot. a therapist could help you here.

i had a friend who was devastated when his parents were divorced. (he was young and they didn't tell him what was going on until it happened.) it haunted him for years and affected his relationships with others and with them for being left out. i listened but frankly did not really understand his fixation on that topic but it affected his relationships and, to him, seemed more important than his own life. i would not like you to repeat a similar pattern. likewise, when i was a teen, my father died and my mom was overwhelmed. (frankly, she had been a problem long before he died.) i tried to be the fixer except i was not her favorite and whenever something went wrong, i was the one who it was taken out on. of course, i needed my mom for nuturing but it was not there and it hurt me for many many years.

similarly, i don't see you getting what you need emotionally from your mom. you try to get your needs met by not giving her problems (by trying to be perfect at school with your grades) and by doing the numerous chores she assigns you. you come through on your side but, for some reason, she cannnot and your resentment and disappointment with her shows. she may see her ex-husband in you BUT you are not her ex, you are her son. she may be the one who really needs the counseling but won't go. and, that's why you have to. you have to take care of yourself. it's the only way your needs will be met and you need to stave off the damage now before it really harms your life. it's very heavy, i know. you may not understand fully what can happen here - you're only 16. but from my experiences in life, i must strongly recommend that you please get counseling NOW. Please do it.

A good counselor will help you put things into perspective because what's going on with your parents and in your head is overwhelming. I am concerned that it's so overwhelming it might be contributing to your sports injuries. And, more importantly, to your falling grades and lack of interest in your life. Your mom is not taking enough interest in your life and you are so hurt by this that you are also losing interest in your life too. And, those feelings are misleading and taking you on the wrong path. If she cannot take enough interest or treat you properly then that is HER problem. Please don't make it yours. Please seek counseling.

[JustDontAsk]

My concern is with my parents because I have relationships with friends, and others, the only issue is when it comes to my parents...

I do have quite a few friends at school, and a couple of really close friends...and I do have a couple of career interests...I'm thinking engineering or education...and I don't date because I figure I have a while before I need to start worrying about that...(and I'm a girl, by the way (: )

And about the whole chore thing, I meant it as I would go above and beyond expectations, but it's still not good enough...at least I never think she is satisfied.

You're right...I really don't know what can happen here with this situation...I agree, I more than likely need to talk to some kind of trained professional...I just can't do it...

Thanks for writing

oops! sorry, justdontask, that i got the gender wrong.

still, i must emphasize that you are spending much too much energy working on your relationships with your parents and it seems to be leading to low self-esteem and a loss of interest in your own life to the point that your grades are suffering. not only are your grades suffering . . . YOU are suffering. and, it's going unnoticed by your parents and sibling. you sound unhappy and emotionally distraught. and, the situation between your parents is complex and making your life difficult.

Lemme see . . . you can get 4.0 grades and compete successfully in sports, but you can't bring yourself to talk to a school counselor? Sorry, I don't buy it because it's not that difficult. I don't buy into this self sacrifice stuff. I know the issues are painful and you may shed a few tears. But, the wounds you are incurring can hurt you in the long run. Please, please, please see a counselor as soon as possible.

[JustDontAsk]

My counselor at school is also my homeroom teacher...and I've never been this way before, I don't know what she would think, or if she would look at me differently...if I do have an issue, which I probably do based on the feed back I have received, I don want to be seen as somebody who is messed up...I guess it sounds stupid to you, since you don't seem to believe me...but I'm meaning what I say...it will be difficult for me, but I will try my best to find a way...I guess I'm sorry I can't just go and get better.

hi, justdontask - in response to your question, no, i do not believe you are stupid - not at all! i believe that you are very smart. i see a streak of perfectionism that may be a response to your parents' divorce and find that troubling. no one is perfect or should believe they have to be. i'd like to see you recognize your humanness. i hear how disappointed you are with your mom when discussing the divorce because she fails to acknowledge any fault on her part. and, i see you repeating that behavior. i sense you would like your mom to come clean and say the divorce was partially both of their faults. you don't seem to like this behavior on her part but, whether you know it or not, you seem to be repeating it. please, if i'm wrong, call me out on it.

in my last job, i worked with a woman attorney who had to do everything perfectly. yet, for all of her perfection, she did not seem happy because, in truth, she was human and she wasn't perfect. and she fought her natural human tendency to error so much that she was actually mean to her subordinates and treated them as inferior. her "tiger mom" management style made her a terrible boss. in short, her perfectionism was, in fact, a flaw.

it's important to learn to deal with your problems, and to laugh at your small mistakes. you are upset that you are getting 95's on your exams instead of the usual 99's. you are afraid that by meeting with a counselor that her opinion of you will change and that you will be seen as a mess when, in fact, the issues you are facing are perfectly normal. and it's perfectly normal to ask for help with them. sometimes, it helps just to talk about them and get them off your chest so that you can breathe easier. and it also helps to bond with others even if it means discussing your problems. a lot of students perhaps don't like someone who is so perfect that they have no problems. i think it's also a problem to keep your feelings bottled up. you are human like everyone else. please don't choose the "go it alone" route.

lastly, your mom's failure to admit her errors scars her relationship with you. i am concerned about your relationship with you; and don't want you to repeat your mom's less than healthy behavior. i don't want you to grow up disliking yourself because you have problems. and, i don't want you to believe that these problems make you flawed. they do not. please see a counselor. please learn to feel comfortable with having some problems and learn how to manage them. please learn how to discuss your problems without feelings of guilt. this is a very important part - an essential part - of learning how to be an adult and, later on, a good parent. having these problems is an opportunity to mature as a person, not a flaw.

a good intro line with a counselor is key to opening up. so here's a suggestion or two: (two counselor) can we talk sometime? lately, i'm feeling some more stress than usual. OR i need to talk with someone of how my parents' divorce is affecting me, do you have a few minutes. suggestion: keep the tone casual so that both you and the counselor feel relaxed.

i wish you all the best.

[JustDontAsk]

First off, I want to apologize for some of the things I said...if they sounded harsh, I didn't mean for them to be...I'm just slightly frustrated, but that does not give me the right to take it out on others. I'm sorry about that.

I'm not exactly sure why you think I am repeating her behavior, if you want to explain or show some examples or something...not disagreeing, just not seeing that.

I'm not necessarily upset about the percent drop in my grades, it just feels almost like my control over that is slipping.

I guess I already do feel a little better after starting a few threads on here...maybe just not enough yet...

I don't try to hold my emotions inside, and I do tend to talk with my friends about smaller problems...but it's the ones that actually matter that I struggle with reaching out. Like now. I agree, I should see this as an opportunity...maybe a change in my mindset regarding this problem would do me some good too.

Opening up is difficult...I kind of tend to keep things to myself. I like the ideas behind your introduction lines, I will think about those a little more...

Thank you for posting