Murderous hate...

I hate my father, and I can't seem to get rid of that hate. I have tried not to hate him many times, but it doesn't work. I've never really had a good relationship with him... I can remember that when I was a child, I always was happy when he had to leave town for business. I feel like I have always hated him and that hate just continues to grow. I don't even know why or when I started hating him either. I know some things that make me hate him more: pretty much everything his says and does. But, I often wish for him to die, even though I know it would destroy any chance of a future for me. I have even gone so far as to scheme of ways to kill him, but I won't because I don't have a 100% chance of not being caught. I know that is terrible...
I also always link him subconsciously to being a pervert or worse. And I hate myself whenever I sound like him, and because I look a bit like him... I hate him so much that I sometimes have cut myself out of complete disgust. I wish my mother had gotten a divorce and left him and that he died.
BLAH, I just needed to say that...

You MUST have a good reason for all that hate! What has he done to you? Has he abused you? What KIND of abuse? When did he start abusing you? Does your Mom know he abused you? Try to explain what happened, if you can, ok?

I can 't relate to that feeling of hate even though I'm a nice and tolerant person normally. Do you know specifically why you hate him and do you still live at home? If you do still live at home, try your best to become financially independent so you can live on your own - at least you wouldn't have to see him as much. Ultimately hate hurt us too, so its best to find a positive way to solve this or channel the feelings elsewhere.

I found it helpful to move far away from the person I hated and build my own life. Even though my life eventually crashed and burned it was good to be away from the crap.

I am curious if you're still living at home, with your parents? How old are you?

In certain times of our lives, we can become quickly enraged by silly things that parents or siblings do. We usually don't go to the extreme of dark fantasies though. Especially if we weren't suffering major trauma due to BIG mistakes or maltreatment.

I never developed hatred towards anyone other than myself, really. So it is a little tough for me to understand where you are coming from. Are you seeing a T, to help you work through this hatred towards your father? I don't think that hatred towards anyone is healthy. That anger is heavy and it can be real tough to keep your behavior appropriate with such darkness following you. Please do seek the help of a T asap.

Take care of yourself.

That kind of hate sounds to me like rage, which is usually linked to someone close to us disrespecting, discounting, ignoring, or humiliating us. Has you dad been like that with you?

He didn't abuse me. Or at least I extremely doubt it... If he did, the memory isn't there... I doubt the accuracies of my memories.
http://forums.psychcentral.com/showthread.php?t=242118
^Whats in that link happened to me.
A few years after those events, my Dad told me I deserved it/worse. and that brought my hate lv. from about a 5/10 to a 7/10.

Yes, I still live at home. I am 18. I can't leave home because I am still in high school... and I don't have enough money to live more half a month in even the cheapest apartments locally. I can't get a job, because school is enough of a struggle anyways.
Yeah, I live with dark fantasies... my father isn't the only person that I have thouht of killing... it isn't right... even when I sleep, I dream of killing, death, corpses, and worse...
I had a T around the time of first suicide attempt when I was 7. I will never get another T.

I can understand your anger and resentment towards your early childhood teachers (and administration). The things that some have done are horrific!!

Kindergarten was a nightmare for me. My teacher, Mrs.MacGrath, simply hated me. She was always putting me down, spanking me in front of the classroom (pulling my skirt up & panties down!), and making snide remarks. I was only 5 years old!! I sure as heck remember her though because she my first and worst teacher. Apparently, she had also taught my older sister and brother (who misbehaved?) and she immediately classified me as a "naughty girl".

From there, we moved from school to school every year. There wasn't any consistency or safety. Never really had the opportunity or strength to develop friendships ~ I was an outcast. I stuck out like a sore thumb; and I blushed excessively with any attention from others (what a nightmare! ); I began T very early as well. I don't recall T before I was in 5th grade, but my mom has said that it began in 3rd grade for me.

I have worked with and seen countless T's. Been in and out of mental hospitals as a teen as well as an adult. While I'm not real happy with a lot of the decisions made and behaviors of my parents, I have also simply chosen to remove myself from the family to hold onto my sanity as well as I can. It still isn't easy, but I do get county assistance and I'm disabled. I work as well as I can, which some days go great and others are very difficult.

My point is that you aren't completely stuck in this horrible place you find yourself in right now. Life might not be what we dreamed that it would become (once upon a time) ~ some of us struggle more than others. I don't know why. That's just the way that it is. Right now is a time in your life where you're testing what can/cannot be done. What are your abilities? I know that my abilities are a lot lower when my PTSD is triggered.

Hope that this makes some sense to you & brings a little bit of hope. Hope in that your future isn't simply a life of doom and gloom. It CAN get better. Just try not to give in to dark fantasies, making them occur more often. Talk with someone that you can trust about how you're feeling. The intense loneliness can feel completely overwhelming at times. Try to fill that blank spot within you with something healthy. A healthy release of intense emotion.

I'm sorry you went through all that... Yeah, in kindergartene I was suspended on the second day.. for creating anarchy.. Intense lonliness is a bit of an understatement... today the closest people I have to being friends told me that people like me should be hanged. I don't have any abilities either. My grades are terrible and I have to cheat just to pass some subjects. I can't play sports, can't engage in much conversation because i'm so stupid that my words never come out right, I'm not funny, and i'm not good with computers. can't draw, paint, play instruments.. I can hardly even read my own handwriting.. and i'm hated. my abilities in all subjects seem to be declining... Actually I guess I am best at piracy(finding illegal downloads...).blah... nothing can be done... I never actually succeeded at anything in my life. I don't even know why I am still alive... people ask me that all the time...

There's a statement that adults often say & mean whole-heartedly, and it's this:, "Kids can be SO Cruel!!"

It's very true! Personally, I aimed towards the kids who were outsiders, like myself. I never made fun of others. Didn't laugh when others were hurt, etc. Because I was on the other side too many times in my life...I knew how miserable it was for those being laughed at. A lot of times, those kids that I tried to support out of kindness would lash out at me and put me down further, to bring themselves up in the crowd. That just crushed me every time!

I finally made my first friend at the end of 6th grade, another "loner" due to a broken leg. She helped me get through a couple of tough years, and then moved onto a magnet school. (It's a school devoted to smart kids.) I wasn't smart enough, had mediocre grades, so I had to stay behind. My family moved again, so I had a choice. Either go to a new school for 10th grade, or stick with the other and just walk farther.

The last couple of years were more struggles in 4 more schools. It was HARD! While I wanted to be smart or pretty, a good dancer...something...I just wasn't. That was very difficult for me to accept. I did learn something throughout my negative childhood and adolescence though. I needed to do what I felt comfortable with.

So, I spent a lot of time writing dark poetry, to get the feelings out. I also spent a lot of time at the ocean, losing myself in the tranquility of the waves splashing. That was my emotional escape. I also toyed with the idea of writing a story for a teen magazine, to talk about some of my heartache in hopes of educating others, to make our society a more understanding and caring place. I never gave these stories or poems away, I've held onto them & occasionally look back upon them. Point is, you don't need to impress anyone as you work through your emotions. You just need to let them out in a non-hurtful way.

One of my very first poems ~ I was around 16 y.o. when I wrote it...
"Lies"

Lies, sweet lies
The never-ending shame
No one tries to compromise
All they do is blame

That is a nice poem. I like it. I can't write like that.