*sigh* I know this is absolutely none of my business ... especially because I have very limited contact (my choice) with them, but I am really confused right now.

I found out on Thursday that my brother, his gf, my parents are taking another "family" weekend together (meaning something really fun that I am excluded from)

The reason I am not invited is because my (hideous) mother and/or sister will be there so the men in my family choose their presence over mine

The things they do together - the activities, vacations, trips - are fully paid for and things that I really love doing and seeing as well. In fact, many are things that I loved dearly that I wanted to do originally but I was always "blocked" because I initiated it. They never really showed any real support of my stuff...yet, then they all went ahead and did it themselves...as a group

I feel as if they hijacked my life.

At 2k a head, not including accommodations or meals, they are up at Pebble right now having a wonderful time. And I am sitting home, eating grilled cheese sandwiches, alone, worried about oaying my bills.

Growing up, every interest I had, every thing I loved doing, all the things that were lovely and fascinating and fun to me they showed 0 interest in. They judged, invalidated and put down every single thing that was important to me.

And here they all are, doing the SAME exact things for years, without me. I just dont get it.

It seems like for the longest time (forever in fact) they absolutely enjoyed breaking me down and seeing me miserable. Being squashed like a bug...until I was finally just a shell. Unable to barely get by.

*sigh* I just dont get it

Ps, I am really sorry...I know that I sound ridiculous. Feeling so hurt about this.

[Leed]

Rose my friend, WHY are they doing this to you??? Why do they exclude you from everything? This is so cruel? What is the reason? Has there been some terrible fight in the past? What's the problem? It can't be just because they don't like your hair!

What's the problem? I dont' get it. I feel awful for you, but I just don't get it. They're being flat out overtly CRUEL. And that ain't kosher!!

What's up?

[IowaFarmGal]

I think anyone would feel hurt about being left out like this. That's the primary thing I think, although the fact they are able to do things I can't afford and want to do would make it worse. Can you save up for a budget version a little at a time? Maybe invite the not hideous ones along? I don't get along with everyone in my family either, though I repaired things with my Mom in her old age. It's sad when it's family, but not everyone is going to understand you. Sometimes a parent at one extreme produces a child who reacts by going to the opposite extreme and they don't get each other at all. I was glad that I let go of the pain she caused me so that I could build something new with her as an adult. Since I was no longer angry with her she finally let go of her defensiveness about what she had done and we were able to move forward. I think she was never deliberately cruel though, the way this sounds. Maybe there is some secret distorting things.

I'm so sorry Rose
What would they say if you tell them that the trip really sounded like fun and you would like to go on the next trip? Do they assume you don't want to go?

I hope you feel better soon

((((Rose))))

Thanks All...I felt really embarrassed to post it but it was tearing me up inside. It always does

They honestly do not care. Actually, strike that...they care just enough to not care about my feelings and to do or say something to somehow make me feel worse.

I realize I am a grown woman, and it shouldn't bother me. But it does

Yes, there was a breaking point, I was si and depressed beyond belief and suffering from agoraphobia / severe anx. My family knew about it and were actually I think happy about it. My mother came over to take me to lunch...while we were in the car she told me she was listening to a parent talk about his son and wished his son killed himself because it was hard on the rest of the family.

I havent seen her since.

Originally Posted by YYZadd

I'm so sorry Rose
What would they say if you tell them that the trip really sounded like fun and you would like to go on the next trip? Do they assume you don't want to go?

I hope you feel better soon

Last time I did that they brought me back the coffee table book from the museum.

Originally Posted by Leed

Rose my friend, WHY are they doing this to you??? Why do they exclude you from everything? This is so cruel? What is the reason? Has there been some terrible fight in the past? What's the problem? It can't be just because they don't like your hair!

What's the problem? I dont' get it. I feel awful for you, but I just don't get it. They're being flat out overtly CRUEL. And that ain't kosher!!

What's up?

((((Lee)))) I really havent done anything...my mother enjoys being the Queen Bee and if she feels threatened, she either cuts people off completely or is purposely abusive.

My father goes along with it because he has no choice.

My brother is attracted to women exactly like my mother. Ugh.

My sister is a replica of my parents and she has two kids. My mother adores the boy, but she is already rejecting the lil girl (she is only 4)...anything that poses a (perceived) threat to her status, and she squashes it / rejects it.

Originally Posted by Rose Panachée

Thanks All...I felt really embarrassed to post it but it was tearing me up inside. It always does

They honestly do not care. Actually, strike that...they care just enough to not care about my feelings and to do or say something to somehow make me feel worse.

I realize I am a grown woman, and it shouldn't bother me. But it does

Yes, there was a breaking point, I was si and depressed beyond belief and suffering from agoraphobia / severe anx. My family knew about it and were actually I think happy about it. My mother came over to take me to lunch...while we were in the car she told me she was listening to a parent talk about his son and wished his son killed himself because it was hard on the rest of the family.

I havent seen her since.

What your mom told you in the car is one of the worst things I've ever heard
Sorry Rose

it was horrible to hear. I told her to take me home immediately. The weaker I was emotionally, the bolder she became. Worse than that, had I stood up for myself and confronted the remark, she would have cried victim!, pulled the car over and told me to get out. Then she would have made up another story (a lie) and told my family to cover herself *sigh*

[unaluna]

this is the same in my family. why are you forgiving the men? I mean, yeah, I get it, cos my dad never stood up to my mom for me either, but he was all I had. so now he's gone and mother and brother kept up the pretense of interest and care until I finally figured it out.

a few years ago, my brother took his wife and kid on a little nature type vacation, afterwards my mother called me crying. I said, you and I can go next year, when the birds come back again. she did one of those teenage-girl snorts that say "you SO don't get it!" then I realized, she didn't want to go, and she didn't want to go with ME - she just wanted to be ASKED to go with them, I think just to prove something to her DIL.

I don't know why we get scapegoated. Well, actually I do - we didn't follow the program of getting married, staying married, and having 2.3 kids - so they feel justified - we 'chose' our sinful hippie lifestyle or whatever, and now we're paying for it. You reap what you sow. Blah blah blah. eff them. They and their little minds suck eggs. Wait til they run into real trouble in their lives, it'll catch up with them.

[IowaFarmGal]

Maybe pretend they died! Hideous is a good word for it. Something is very wrong with THEM and it's a good thing not to be part of it. It's just as bad that you did not have a defender in the family. That completely closes the trap.

((((Hank)))) that is a very good question regarding forgiving the men...I have asked myself that many times. I was just starting to address that with T1 and she announced she was leaving. I am hoping to pick up that topic again with T4.

Originally Posted by IowaFarmGal

Maybe pretend they died! Hideous is a good word for it. Something is very wrong with THEM and it's a good thing not to be part of it. It's just as bad that you did not have a defender in the family. That completely closes the trap.

All I ever wished for was that ONE person. That one person with enough clout that would stand up to them

[Open Eyes]

(((Rose))),

I can relate to that wish for one person to see my side and stand up as well.

Rose, it sounds like your mother is extremely ignorant and simply doesn't care about the feelings of others. I know it is hard to be around someone like that, you are such a sweet and sensitive person, so it is harder for you to interact with that kind of person. The "men" that are around her are there for a reason, she picked her husband and he most likely is just the kind of "passive" man that lets her lead. And your brother was trained to do the same. And your sister is an apple that clearly doesn't fall far from the tree in that respect either.

I am so sorry that you have this kind of family, but unfortunately this "does" happen and if anyone doesn't play by the "queens" rules, they are just not accepted. But you are discribing a woman who is a narcisist Rose, and they don't have the capacity to have empathy for others. And they are ignorant selfish people that "can" put on the charm when they want to. And yes, they use "money and things" as power to either ensure they are adored or to punish when they feel threatened in anyway.

This is not "your fault" or that "you are unworthy in any way" though I know that doesn't stop that sense of being left out. But you would not truely enjoy yourself anyway Rose, because now you know the game and you don't want to play it, yes, it is shallow and selfish. It sounds like you have a "Mommy Dearest" situation going on. I am refering to that Joan Crawford story. Well, these women are definitely out there, and they only really care about themselves. Your mother is too fragile inside to allow herself to "love" anyone. These kind of women do hurt their children in different ways. You are best to consider her "dead" and do your best not to allow yourself to pay attention to how they live their lives.

I can't blame you for being upset, after all, as I said, you are a very kind and sensitive person. And it is hard to be around others that have no cares for others.

Rose, don't let this get you down, you have been gaining so much ground and it shows. You deserve to keep growing and healing so don't let this interfere with that process. I truely feel that you will eventually gain your own happiness down the road.
I really do.

(((Hugs)))
Open Eyes

We are all working so hard to make gains and to move forward. These pains run deep. I just dont know what to do anymore other than to distance myself...even more now.

I cannot reach out - even a teeny bit - one more time. It hurts too much. They will never get it.

Reach out to us, then

[Broken Angel]

Rose dear, if you don't feel good with your family and they would still leave you alone and even feeling happy for your sickness, then go find someone who would care for you.
For instance, you can hang out with a friend and you can communicate with people over here

[Mike_J]

Originally Posted by Rose Panachée

All I ever wished for was that ONE person. That one person with enough clout that would stand up to them

I hope this doesn't sound bad, sometimes I don't phase things exactly as I mean them to be, so let me appoligize in advance.

I think you shouldn't "wish" for that one person to come along that would stand up to your family. I think you should "work" to become that person. Yes someone else can stand up for you, fight for you, but that will not give you the closure or the satisfaction that doing it yourself will bring you.

[Shishkeberry]

I'm so sorry you are related to douches. But your dad is just as bad as her, he's just quieter. He is a grown man and he could have (and should have) protected you from her. He gets something out of it. Most likely that when she's abusing you she's not abusing him. Or even more horrible is that he agrees with her but enjoys being thought of as the "nicer" parent while she does all his dirty work. He could always leave her if he wanted to. He's no victim here.

...
I'm willing to bet that your mom is a narcissist, your dad is her enabler, and you are the scapegoat. Does that sound about right? Have you ever visited the "daughters of narcissistic mothers" website?

[AngelWolf3]

I am so sorry you are going through this. I don't have any advice, but just Hugs Hugs Hugs for you because I just ache reading this. I am thinking of you today...

[Big Mama]

Rose you seem like such a positive blessing to folks. If you could go would you? Would they just bring you down because of the annoyance they bring along with them? My grandma (who's cold and raised me as an infant) does the same thing. She invites all the family except the less anointed ones because we don't kiss her butt. If we/ I could go and do some of these things if it compromises who I am and makes me live a lie trying to be a part of the elite I would just rather not be part of the group. Even if it is my own family. I don't know if this help any but know that you are not alone and and that I feel for you. It hurts to not be included and wanted no matter what the age.

Originally Posted by Shishkeberry

He could always leave her if he wanted to. He's no victim here.

I'm willing to bet that your mom is a narcissist, your dad is her enabler, and you are the scapegoat. Does that sound about right? Have you ever visited the "daughters of narcissistic mothers" website?

That pretty well sums it up

I haven't visited that site. I am afraid to

Originally Posted by Mike_J

I hope this doesn't sound bad, sometimes I don't phase things exactly as I mean them to be, so let me appoligize in advance.

I think you shouldn't "wish" for that one person to come along that would stand up to your family. I think you should "work" to become that person. Yes someone else can stand up for you, fight for you, but that will not give you the closure or the satisfaction that doing it yourself will bring you.

Thank you, Mike...I know what you mean...unfortunately, no matter what I have said or done in the past, they don't care ... or they simply ignore, walk away from and/or invalidate me.

They also used everything I say that they do not agree with against me ("did you take your pill?"; that is absurd; a lie; not true; never happened; don't remember; the list goes on and on etc")

Especially now because I fell ill. Now, anything I say has absolutely no merit at all.