[wadingthruemotions]

So I have been told I have to forgive myself for the past. (Also to forgive those who have hurt me in anyway).

It is said I will find some peace if I do this and can then begin to heal.

So how the heck do you do that? I haven't managed to do this in 38 years. So how do I just magically say oh well I am over it all?

Seriously, I have no flipping clue, I need to, don't know if I am ready, or will ever be ready. :banghead :

[Open Eyes]

You are right, it doesn't happen overnight. You have to go slow, take each situation and disect it in therapy, which means discuss it, and think about who you were, what you knew at the time, not now but when something bad occured. You have to get to a point where you recognize that if something you did wrong was because of something that happened to you, something you really didn't understand at the time, you need to come to a point where you can forgive yourself because you honestly didn't know better.

You are only human, and you were a child, were given messages you had to go by to make decisions. If you were neglected, or abused or even abandoned, you went without something important, and that does happen with alot of people. So what can happen is people who struggled as a child with something that was never their fault, can have problems when they get older, problems with trusting others.

You are 38 and at this point you need to step back and do a review of "you" and take time to become "self aware" and when we do that we are bound to see things we did that we may not like. It is always important to realize that whenever we review we do so with the knowledge of an outcome/consequence. At the time we go through something, we don't have that.

Forgiveness comes into the picture when a person realizes what they didn't know, that they have learned something, and are ready to let go and move forward. Often there is a grieving that also has to take place too.

[elr0897]

I feel like figuring out yourself is something you cannot plan. One day, the day will come and you will figure out who you are. This day could come today, tomorrow, or 40 years from now. I'm telling you, the day when you figure out who you are will be one of the best days of your life. Until then, keep doing what you're doing. Don't stress yourself out about it, that will only make it worse. The day will most likely come when you least expect it. Stay true to who you are! Someday you're going to have to forgive yourself for the mistakes you have made in the past. You no longer live in the past. What happened, happened and you can't go back and change it. Once you accept the fact that you can't change what happened in the past, things will be well.

[Thunder Bow]

You already know there is no instant gratification to cure you of what you posted. There are no magic words that will make you feel better permanently. You will always have bad days and good days.

[Hellion]

Originally Posted by wadingthruemotions

So I have been told I have to forgive myself for the past. (Also to forgive those who have hurt me in anyway).

It is said I will find some peace if I do this and can then begin to heal.

So how the heck do you do that? I haven't managed to do this in 38 years. So how do I just magically say oh well I am over it all?

Seriously, I have no flipping clue, I need to, don't know if I am ready, or will ever be ready. :banghead :

Honestly I am not so sure its nessisary to forgive those who have wronged you, I just don't feel one is obligated to do so. I can see moving past the anger and hurt you feel about it at least as best as you can so you can move on with your life....I guess I'd say its best to save forgiveness for those who will appreciate it and learn from their mistake not people who don't give a damn and will likely continue wronging other people.

Also you don't have to ever be over it all, its not a weakness on your part there are some things people can't get over and that's ok.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by Hellion

Honestly I am not so sure its nessisary to forgive those who have wronged you, I just don't feel one is obligated to do so. I can see moving past the anger and hurt you feel about it at least as best as you can so you can move on with your life....I guess I'd say its best to save forgiveness for those who will appreciate it and learn from their mistake not people who don't give a damn and will likely continue wronging other people.

Also you don't have to ever be over it all, its not a weakness on your part there are some things people can't get over and that's ok.

Hellion has pretty much summed it up. Just to add a few thoughts:

In my opinion, forgiveness is:

1) highly overrated
2) poorly defined/nebulous/it is hard to check whether you have forgiven or not
3) is often, per what I am seeing on here, making things worse rather than better because people believe that they MUST forgive, and then forgiveness becomes another chore, but unlike running the dishes through the dishwasher or walking the dog or dealing with the kitty litter or other chores one must do, forgiveness has the problem (2) above associated with it. Running the dishes through the dishwasher might be boring or, when you are depressed, may require more energy than you have, but it is clearly defined - most people know how to load and unload the dishwasher.

In other words, if you come to a point when somebody tells you that you need to forgive (per your OP, "So I have been told I have to forgive myself for the past. (Also to forgive those who have hurt me in anyway)."), then, chances are,

a) you have made mistakes in the past,
b) others have wronged you in the past.

a) + b) = you have a lot of problems / enough problems.

People who have a lot of problems do not need MORE problems. Being told that you need to forgive and being unable to forgive = you are making a new, extra problem for yourself, which does not solve the existing problems ((a)+(b)) but only increases your load of problems.

Do you really need it? How do you benefit from having yet MORE problems? What is the point?

Some people who benefit from forgiveness, in ways that they define for themselves or in ways that have been defined by others, should continue to practice forgiveness because it benefits them, but to make it some sort of a requirement for living your life for everybody, including for people who do not seem to easily get a grasp on forgiveness, is completely ridiculous.

Also, the verb "forgive" is defined in the dictionary as

Stop feeling angry or resentful toward (someone) for an offense, flaw, or mistake.

In general, people cannot will feelings. You might or might not eventually stop feeling resentment, but it is largely outside of your concious control.

A much more practical approach to dealing with what you did wrong (according to your current opinion about your past actions), is to learn from your mistakes. This approach is largely cognitive/analytical, and you have more control over how you use analysis than over how you feel.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by wadingthruemotions

So I have been told I have to forgive myself for the past. (Also to forgive those who have hurt me in anyway).

So I am sure that I have bored everybody who has the misfortune of reading my posts to death by now by repeatedly posting this link:

SMART criteria - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Is forgiveness a good (=SMART) goal?

No.

It is NOT S=Specific
It is NOT M=Measurable
It is more often than not NOT A=Attainable (hence, your OP, right?)
Is it R=Relevant? I do not know; it is probably a matter of belief.
Is it T~time-specific? I do not think so, from observing how others struggle with it.

So... no point to keep trying and trying until it clearly and immediately benefits you.

[wadingthruemotions]

This is really good, thank you. You have not bored me. I think I needed to hear all this. I don't think I 'should' forgive anyone if I am not ready to.

Yes I am sure at some point I will need to deal with me and those things I have done to forgive myself to move forward. But as far as other people, no I have not been able to forgive yet and I have no feeling of ever getting there at this point. It just causes me stress and anxiety when I even think about this.

I had a horrible time growing up. I don't think one can ever forgive the horrors one can do to a child/teenager/young adult.

Thank you all for the feedback. I really do appreciate it very much.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by wadingthruemotions

I had a horrible time growing up. I don't think one can ever forgive the horrors one can do to a child/teenager/young adult.

Definitely. Most definitely.

Also, the whole idea of HAVING to forgive those who wronged you smells of Tolstoy-like stuff, along the lines of

Turning the other cheek - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Surely does not have a place in mental health.

People who want to follow Tolstoy's teachings are free to do that, but they should not impose their ideas on others, especially in a way that makes following these ideas a requirement for personal recovery from trauma.

[H3rmit]

Originally Posted by hamster-bamster

So I am sure that I have bored everybody who has the misfortune of reading my posts to death by now by repeatedly posting this link:

SMART criteria - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Is forgiveness a good (=SMART) goal?

No.

It is NOT S=Specific
It is NOT M=Measurable
It is more often than not NOT A=Attainable (hence, your OP, right?)
Is it R=Relevant? I do not know; it is probably a matter of belief.
Is it T~time-specific? I do not think so, from observing how others struggle with it.

So... no point to keep trying and trying until it clearly and immediately benefits you.

Hamster, you are golden. Normally I hate animated gifs, but I can't resist this bowing one I saw recently. I really enjoy your posts and unique way of attacking problems!!!

[hamster-bamster]

H3rmit,

Oh, you have cracked me up and made my day!

BACK TO MY BORING SPREADSHEETS AT WORK NOW