Embarrassed by your illness seniors?

Yes, I feel the same way as far as senility goes. I know that depression & stress can cause memory loss. And I'm on both Cymbalta & Lamictal. I assume this has an effect as well. But sometimes I wonder if there isn't more going on than that. Also, though, I have allot of bad memories that have haunted me over the years. So the fact that I'm forgetting the past isn't all bad!

That absolutely makes sense! Actually, I'm going to be posting a thread on taking psych med's later on. I've had a sort of epiphany of sorts over the past few days...

Yes, absolutely. The older I get, the crazier I seem to get. It is very embarrassing for me. Although I'd have to say that, for me, I think the big difference is not so much in terms of getting "crazier" as it is in controlling it. I think I was always clearly mentally ill. But prior to around age 50 or so, I was able to "keep the lid on." Since then I've just gradually lost more & more control of it.

Ya know... it's hard to describe. As I look back, I perceive that I've had mental health problems my entire life. But for the 1st 50 years or so, I was able to "keep the lid on." I'm sure people must have noticed that I was struggling. But no one ever said anything. After 50, & having a bout with cancer, I've just gradually gone downhill.

Outwardly I still function. I haven't held a job for a dozen years or so. But this year, I'm the president of our townhome association. It's not a terribly important position but I still have to function.

It's internally that my mental illness is gradually tearing me down. This is not any different than it has been all of my life really. It's more my ability to cope... to maintain control over it that has deteriorated. I've had 2 major suicide attempts, one just over a year ago. It's only through sheer force of will, & psych med's that I haven't tried it a 3rd time.

I read another post of yours and I can't help but wonder if maybe you feel you have to be strong? When I was younger I felt I had to be strong and withstand anything (for reasons I won't go into here). Now I am willing to ask the help of others, admit when I am not strong enough and to just simply let some stuff go. It might be difficult to know the difference between aging and aging with mental illness. I don't see anything wrong with taking psych meds. You've given me a lot to think about, thanks. Courage!

I think there is no reason to be embarrassed of your illness. some of us are going to get senile in the end and then where will we be? My mother's friend doesn't even know her own name and she's in her 70's. She wears diapers as she can't go to the bathroom alone either, it's like she's a baby again. She had several children during her lifetime, was and still is a great person. I also used to work in nursing home and some of the people were in the same situation as her. That is why I say not to be embarrassed about your illness, who knows, maybe you may not even know your own name tomarrow!

This is another issue. It is not like being a baby again, babies grow, babies learn and watch the world around them, this is losing someone to a painful disease that makes you helpless and not oblivious. I have worked in many long term care facilities; and I took care of my own mother for 6+ years at home (while working) and my mother suffered---she became panicked by her lost skills, then anxious, she hallucinated, was paranoid, wandered, was angry at times and unable to express pain (eg when arm broken in fall) and had to have me bathe her. She would not have wanted to be alive like that, she had no choice, her body kept going. And she remembered things she had tried to forget since childhood although she no longer knew who I was ----she had been an intelligent, well educated, active woman who prided herself on her attention to detail and creativity---she lost her friends, her home, her self...
It was heartbreaking. And, in a facility, you are totally at the mercy of care from people who may be worked to the bone themselves..your skin may break down, nurses will shovel meds into your mouth, aides food, you may not really want it but....
or be misused and unable to speak up. You don't get to the bathroom on time unless you can walk or you are able to get the help you need. Diapers need to checked and changed every two hours, people touch you, move you, even as you resist. There is pain in the end if something else doesn't kill you---and it is incredibly sad for loved ones who are no longer known. Being demented, losing memory and physical abilities, is not not being in some clueless happy/forgetful land. It hurts. It loves. It cares. It cannot express, eventually cannot eat or move...
sorry so rambling. can't help myself and no reflection on you.
There can also be beautiful times still, small joys and pleasures, my mom loved to walk and walk we did, she loved a present, the cat in her lap. For years, when she could no longer read, she carried a book in her hand.
She did clearly avoid activities that reminded her of her own lost abilities (she was an artist--NO craft groups for her, no painting for fun, no museums...she was a cook, the kitchen became a place that didn't exist...a gardener who suddenly couldn't respond to flowers with a smile.)

For me at this time in my life, it was a very significant thread to read and participate in. I wish everyone well, going thru all this. I feel I learned a good big here, and got a valuble takeaway! Thanks!

I'd have to say now maybe I would be embarrassed in a way, if i lost everything as above, all i'm saying is enjoy life now while you have the time and abilities to do what you can.

Hello IceCreamKid: You're absolutely right. I grew up at a time, in a place & with a family where you didn't share your problems, or your family problems with any one. You were expected to just "buck-up". And if you didn't you became the object of ridicule. So, for the first 50 years or so of my life, I lived in complete denial & just kept scraping by.

I'm sure it must have been apparent that I was having difficulty, but no one ever said anything or did anything to help (including my parents.) So my inclination to hide was reinforaced. I've written a number of times that if denial were blankets, I'd have been crushed by the weight! However, once I made my first serious suicide attempt, the cat was out of the bag, so to speak. After the 2nd one, it really became hard to deny.

But now that another year & a half has passed, it seems I'm right back where I started. (That pile of blankets is starting to feel pretty darn heavy again- LOL!) It's just something that I simply don't seem to have the capacity to shake. In fact, writing this gives me an idea for a new thread which I think I'll put up shortly.

You're correct too that it becomes difficult to distinguish between aging & aging with mental illness. I have quite a few short-term memory problems. I don't know if these are primarily just age-related or if they're more related to the effects of long-term depression & anxiety & psych med's. In reality, it's probably a combination of all of these. This would also make an interesting topic for a new thread. Maybe I'll write that one too!

Thanks for commenting!

Is A.L.A.D. in the DSM? I never heard of it before. That could be what I have!

That sounds like a good idea Bedobones!!

Ha-Ha-Ha...! Well, I guess I shouldn't laugh. Senility isn't funny. But I loved your line about me possibly not knowing my own name tomorrow! Actually this is very Buddhist! You're absolutely correct about all of this! It's something I tell myself regularly. But, unfortunately, for me there seems to be a big difference between knowing something intellectually & living it day-to-day.

I've practiced meditation & studied mindfulness practice, done yoga & a simplified form of Tai Chi as well as other stuff. But none of it has made any real difference in my essential mental health status. In the end it always seems to come down to the same old thing. I'm just whacked (LOL!) Sometimes I think senility would be a relief!

Thank you so much for this heart-felt response Winter4me.

I actually had several head injuries, and I swear I'm senile sometimes. I hope I'm not is there any test for it, I am serious!!!! i'm on over 8 meds, maybe they are treating me for it and i don't know? Altimers? I wonder!! I also get seizures, what could all this be leading to? I don't think I want an answer!!!

Hi bedobones, thanks for liking my avitar, it is a photo i took a few years ago, so kind of proud how it turned out.
what is it you think you are achieving by 'hiding' a lot of stuff about yourself?
is it worth the sacrifice of being free to be your true self, having peace of mind that friends and loved ones like you for who you really are not a pretend or false you?
it must be very tiring constantly trying to remember what bits you have told to who. life although it may be rocky at first would be much simpler if you were not hiding things.
i hid a lot of stuff for many years, trying to be what people thought i should be and was never happy at all, really depressed, and angry for not being able to be the real me. then i cracked up, and everything i had been hiding away came flooding out, ok i lost a few friends and family in the deluge but i came out the other side far more relaxed, liking who i was- the real me, and i found the friends i have now accept and like me simply for being me.

I'm crazy too!!!!!!!that's all I have to say!!

Hello Avlady: I don't know specifically what there is available for testing regarding head injury symptoms & senility or Alzheimers Disease. I presume there is some. Actually, I have a long history of head injury (I shan't go into details here.) I asked my pdoc a while back about exactly this type of testing. He gave me the name of a psychologist who he said does this kind of testing. However, I never contacted her. But I take from this that it would be possible to get it. The person whose name my pdoc gave me was at our local university medical center. I would presume that this is the type of place one would have to go to find such testing.

I do know what you mean about questioning whether or not you want to know the answer. This is essentially why I never did contact the psychologist my pdoc recommended. It just seemed, in the end, like what's the point? It's not likely to make any difference in my day-to-day treatment now & maybe I'd just as soon not know what might lie ahead!

I guess all I can do is take it day by day, and understand why you wouldn't want to know too.

For me, I'm just more aware of it. Thanks for a great thread topic!

I don't officially have any diagnosis. I have a tendency to get depressed and not enjoy life overall, and I'm frustrated how much of my life was spent solving social/emotional and social anxiety problems. I'm not where I could have been with some decent help early on. So, yeah.

Hi H3rmit! Yes, actually, while I'm sure I probably have several diagnoses depending on which professional's file you might look at, I don't know what any of them are. No one I've ever seen has actually said: okay... this is what you have... bingo! I also did not begin to address my social / emotional problems until I was in my 50's. (I did make a few half-hearted attempts prior to that but nothing came of them so after a while I just gave up.)

I sometimes wonder where I might have ended up if I had. I have said a number of times that when I was young no one wanted to get me the help I needed mostly because it just wasn't done back then. And now, nobody really wants to be bothered because I'm old & most of my life is in the past anyway. So sometimes it feels like I lost out from both ends. And, I guess that's part of the reason that I've finally come to the point where I say: just give me the med's & forget all the rest of it. It's too late to worry about it at this point!

Hi Yellowted: Honestly, sometimes I wonder if it's all worth it. If I were in my 20's or 30's or maybe even my 40's & knew what I know now, no it wouldn't be worth it. But when one gets into their 60's where I am things start to look different. At least they have for me. I no longer have the energy to strike out onto a new path. I guess some people do it at my age. But I'm just worn out at this point. I've been married for over 30 years &, were I to suddenly decide to become my "true self" (assuming that I could even figure out what that is- LOL) my wife & I both could be left completely alone in the world if our marriage didn't survive my "transformation."

Fortunately, or unfortunately depending on how you look at it, I don't have any friends. So I don't have to worry about what I've told to whom. And to everyone I know "professionally" I just remain the person they see in front of them, as do most people. So, the "theoretical"part of this is very complicated (the part about becoming my true self.) But the mechanics of it are pretty simple. I guess maybe that's part of the problem.

Not embarassed exactly. Just tired of being tethered to this...this...this "thing". Makes me grumpy.

I don't see anyone from my life before MI, its too hard. Never was able to own my own house, or return to work although I tried many times. So yes, I'm very embarrassed about my failures. I'm so tired of living in poverty I don't want to envision living into the 6th decade.

Boy... I understand that sentiment!