really bitter now

I don't have much to say now, I am seeing that I lost quite a bit of weight bout 15 lbs. I'm always angry and feel so sick emotionally, idk because my symptoms causing this and hurting my cognition. I am retrogressing mentally some days or many days how I was as a 6 year old child of myself and remember some very horrible repressed memories. I wished I had still forgotten. I have extreme fear this will happen again and lose my reality plus my body, I don't want to be a vegetable and when it comes down to the end. I will make a will sometime soon if needed to have me kill before I can't make any decisions. I hate it so much, and would rather die painless than having no control of my body or brain and be dead alive to suffer to the end. I am also bitter because of this relationship more of a friendship with this girl, I really love, but can't have enough time to ever see her once and or experience feeling a stable romantic relationship after being abused by all m ex's and other people throughout my whole and now on the verge of losing it all without my say or control. I hate to admit it, but my life sucked. I hate having to hear I did so much for people, when they just use me and my kindness to rub in my face. I got no human dignity left and what I will have if do on my last will included, be cremated and have my middles fingers pointed to the sky for my last swear on the world. I know it doesn't sound so cool, but I seriously have no patience anymore to wait for these doctors to tell me you're not doing well, because I already know that. I don't know how ill or how terminal or whatever. I want to hope, but I am not able to put my energy to hope if I have a chance to get or redeem anything. I lost it all, I am only 20 have the brain and wisdom much farther than most any human, because I've seen the worst in every person. I don't fall for stupid games or fake kindness. I was always the bad boy and take control and charge I will not have my body have it's way and let people use my dying body as they will for a toy. I will not tolerate it, I truly believe I was disrespected my whole life. I try to make up and take any responsibility only ending up being to hard on myself. Trying to please my mom, dad, sister, family,friends and people I care bout, but what I get in return indifference pretty much my impact has very little and the fact my dying wish was not going to be fulfilled well. I can care less what happens, I accepted death inevitably I became a not so kind person, because I was expected for too long for things I cannot handle. I am sorry, I don't even deserve this existence it was wasted on petty things. I just wanted to excel before I crash, didn't even get off the ground. Yeah I can do that now, even with that I don't much of a chance. I hope I can make whatever this year brings me the best, because when I go I go. I don't care nor do I want to be sad, I don't want people dragging me along their crap before I go. I think I need as last dying wish to be at least respected for once as a human.

If you feel like you've been done wrong, you have the right to be bitter. I don't really know what to say other than I hope you can stay strong and take back the ****ing respect you obviously deserve.

- AJ

thankyou. I had been going through a lot of grieving. Mainly, because I witnessed my grandma who passed away from alzheimers when I was a healthy child and how she was abused not able to take care of herself still kills me. It's equivalent to hitting my own mother in front of me. It angers me and I know I couldn't do anything bout it, but I don't want to die like that how she did she is a great woman. My grandma should of been a spokesperson for all women, because she deserves everything good that she has received. Also I am going to grief counseling for her and my daughter who was aborted almost two years ago for unexpected health complications with her mother my ex then. I was 18, and yeah I was in no position nor was her mother to take care of her. Plus her mom could of died giving birth was too great it had to be done. I wasn't so upset bout that, but damn all the love I would give her and if I most likely envisioned being a single parent with a little girl I would have to feed and watch over every day to make her life feel like a princess when mine is falling apart. I'd give everything up just for her. I wasn't even joking when people say I won't and not take me seriously. She is my baby I don't care who you are or what you thought of me or my ex. I don't give a damn, my daughter came first and no stupid teen mom stigma BS bout most boys being poor fathers. I am not like that, and I am happy she doesn't have to live with the pain of her psycho mom and me not feeling well. I haven't spoke with my ex in half a year. I just know when this does take me who knows or not. I just know she will be the first thing I want to see after I die. I am going to her first and she will take care of me, because that's what she is waiting to do.

I know I've waited for over a good 8 or 9 years and put off grief counseling
I need it more than ever, because I just want this off me before anything else happens. I cannot damage myself worse, because I want to be alive long enough to tell this girl I am close friends with I love her a lot and want her to understand my feelings I have told her and actually see and be with her at least once. Also keep on enjoying my life as what I have now, when I am not on here. I usually vent on this site, but I am usually very positive and happy all the time outside of the internet. I do have other things that medically and psychologically the best minds in the world are baffled by my symptoms. I have either been told with the stress I go through and torture, I should of been like most people and killed myself long ago when I was an 8 year old boy, but no. I knew something good would come out of holding on I still do. They also say that, they are baffled by my hallucination and schizophrenia type symptoms, because I never did and always told by a lot of doctors either psych, neuro, or whatever I don't fall under any category of a specific mental illness and they only pick the general stuff for me, because they don't know. I am getting clinical trials so I have to keep my grief back then to help sort out my very frightening hallucinations I've been plagued with my whole life and caused PTSD in me. I don't seem like what I see in most inpatients I went through as a young teen. Haven't been in the hospital in 4 years, but what I know as for a fact. Most of the time, I have a lot deeper and stranger symptoms than mostly any patient they have seen or I have met. I just knew my whole life I was much more unique and different mentally than every other person on this earth. I am vocal bout things, but it's damn near impossible to describe this, what bothers me bout it. It has affected my whole life and it is crippling and has gotten me in trouble unintentionally in grade school. I would end up screaming in class out of terror of the hallucinations that follow me and I would actually not say hallucinations, I am actually seeing entities or people I don't know who they are and what they want would randomly follow me from school to home and anywhere else everyday and I hated talking bout it, because I don't want to be considered with some hallucination category. I think it's a harsh term for me, because I haven't made any of this stuff up as a kid and pretend it goes away. No it hasn't and still stays with me, but now. I don't see them anymore like I used to, but know when they are around me so I question the hallucination thing again. It's an anomaly for a lot of the medical team not because I am usually told that you aren't special there are tons of people who have this. I find out that they are constantly lying to me, and they have admitted that, because I am too smart for my own good. I am very intelligent and have a very high IQ and would be much more intelligent in anything if I chose to do so in which I know my own capabilities and have used them. Just some things are harder to answer for me, and that's what they don't know and they know I am not making up some crap and believing it so they think I am trying to be crazy. No I am crazy, because this **** won't leave me alone since diapers and I want to know why. It has came back when my health is getting worse and it's very frightening I will not describe it, because if anyone had a full perspective and imagination of understand of what this is, you probably kill yourself for how scary it is instantly. It can easily break anyone, and I don't mean that out of some exaggeration, like it's very crippling physically and mentally and it's definitely not for faint heart to go through. That's why I am only going to be careful how I want to say it to the research people, I know they heard it all, but this is much more terrifying than death itself. I have had a lot of near death experiences, comas, and my body stopped working I actually thought it was more peaceful, but this no no no no. No human should ever go what I see through my eyes and go through I don't care who you are. No words can describe it. Sorry I am going to sleep and trying to keep myself rested I am exhausted night.

I don't really have the right to say this as I honestly can't understand what you're going through, but please, don't give up on hope. I honestly believe that no-one, NO-ONE is worthless. Especially not you. I've never met you and probably never will, but if you don't give up, it will get better and your life could become something really great. And all of us at psychcentral are here for you to help you get through this. You're not alone. So please, don't give up on your life.

Have you consider seeing a trauma therapist, not just a grief counselor? I can relate to your bitterness and depression and I didn't know that I was suffering from complex PTSD until a friend recommended a trauma therapist to me. It's taken a while but I'm doing much better now.

Here's a link to a PC article that may interest you. There are some other good articles there, too -- definitely ignore the addiction ones if they don't apply to you. Dissociation was my main coping method, not addiction.

http://blogs.psychcentral.com/after-trauma/2013/11/why-do-flashbacks-happen/

Yeah the result of me feeling like this, is struggling with grief and fear/anxiety, but the kicker is that I have and neuro knows my brain is degenerating and I am too young to be being this ill and weak. It doesn't affect my mood, like I'll be very sad or depressed or angry for no reason and then because of my symptoms overriding my conscious feelings to things it's very hard now than ever to distinguish what I am truly feeling. It's sort of like you are upset or happy or anything, but actually weren't you know when you get out of the numbing symptoms, but you had no control and do not remember how that happened every time.