[pkey]

Hi everyone,

I know I have posted on this forum a few times, and thank you all for reading and responding to my posts! Sometimes I feel that I am wasting your time by not exactly responding to everything on the threads that I post, but I always read them even though I may not respond. Is that OK? I mean it's nice to have some kind of feedback, and I don't want to dishonor anyone or waste anyone's time by not replying to my own thread. But accept my apology and thank you so much for your responses!

What I actually wanted to post about:
Has anyone ever been afraid of themselves? Not about anything physical (about yourself causing physical harm to someone/something without actually wanting to), but afraid to show your outer self what is on the inside? Do you fear that the outer self is "too good" to see the bad inside? That if you ever showed the bad side to the good side, then the good side will crumble and cease to exist? What if there is too much at stake in your current situation (job/work/school/relationship etc) to lose hold of the good side that everyone on the outside sees?

-Pkey

[Travelinglady]

Hi, pkey, and welcome to Psych Central!

First of all, no, you are not required to post on your own threads. However, if someone asks a question, then it would be helpful to respond.

I used to be afraid of myself when I had a lot of rage that would get out of hand. I didn't worry that my good side would crumble, but I was concerned that the "bad rage" inside would get out of hand at places such as work.

[Frankbtl]

Hi pkey, do you want to talk a bit more about what you see as your "bad side"??
It's just that sometimes people can judge themselves unfairly, or see things in themselves as "bad" when they're much more about insecurities, low self-esteem, feeling depressed, feeling hurt, guilty, frustrated................things that can be worked through, with help if needed.
Then sometimes people can have "unreasonable" expectations of themselves, everyone is going to have flaws, faults, imperfections in all sorts of areas and that's normal.
Some people are naturally going to be a lot better at some things, some people are going to seem really good in some areas, but that doesn't need to mean that there's something wrong with you ("bad" about you) if you "fall down" in those areas. But they can sometimes be worked on as well, if you want to...........
And just like you said there is a good side to you too, and that good side is going to be better than a lot of others in some areas as well.
But here if you want to talk a bit more.................
Alison

[pkey]

Originally Posted by Frankbtl

Hi pkey, do you want to talk a bit more about what you see as your "bad side"??
It's just that sometimes people can judge themselves unfairly, or see things in themselves as "bad" when they're much more about insecurities, low self-esteem, feeling depressed, feeling hurt, guilty, frustrated................things that can be worked through, with help if needed.
Then sometimes people can have "unreasonable" expectations of themselves, everyone is going to have flaws, faults, imperfections in all sorts of areas and that's normal.
Some people are naturally going to be a lot better at some things, some people are going to seem really good in some areas, but that doesn't need to mean that there's something wrong with you ("bad" about you) if you "fall down" in those areas. But they can sometimes be worked on as well, if you want to...........
And just like you said there is a good side to you too, and that good side is going to be better than a lot of others in some areas as well.
But here if you want to talk a bit more.................
Alison

Holy smokes. Alison, something hit me when I read your post. I can't believe it - you challenged me. Both your direct question at the beginning and your use of italics at the end just radiated a strong voice directly into the strongest part of my mind. I guess that I am the one who first used the term "good side," so I will continue - my good side is strong and assertive, and I have learned to see it when I am in certain situations. In these situations, I feel energetic and smart, and I can take on any challenge while taking (and accepting) anything that I don't know as something that I will learn another time. These challenges always academic, and after the experience I have the sweetest taste of actually knowing myself and "feeling myself" radiating from my physical being. I know that my Self exists.

I read an article about how man's greatest fear is success (rather than failure), and I know for sure that it is true. I am afraid of myself at the same time that I love the person inside. I wish I had a strong voice, some kind of mentor or iron-willed friend, so that I could find myself in more situations where "I" can peek through. I am so afraid that most of the time (except in those rare situations when the right people/challenge is present) I appear timid, weak, and shy - I hear my voice falter and feel my hands grow cold. I have so much fear that people I meet for the first time do not have a clue about my inner self. But this is a disservice - I know I am a great person but I'm afraid to bring it to the table.

[Restin]

I have this too, my good side vs bad side, and T calls it a kind of dissociation. When the bad side takes over, I end up in the hospital. I learned that my good side is also my more rational adult side and that it has to be in charge in order for me to function in real life and not be locked up in an institution. My bad side is less mature, but not always bad but just immature. T says the goal is to become co-conscious between these two sides. There is a great fear and anger between the two sides. But gradually bring them together where one side can influence the other and gain some reconciliation. Negotiation is a good word. You as the adult self can go as ambassador to the wild self, not to judge and execute, but to learn give-and-take. That way your life won't feel like a war zone that never gives you any peace or freedom.

[Frankbtl]

Hi pkey, do you think that your "bad" side is the side of you that's sometimes vulnerable, lacking confidence, feeling unsure, anxious, scared...........and maybe feeling those things make you afraid as well, less in control, less the you you want to be and have other people see?? But it's OK to be all those things at times.
That doesn't make you "less", it doesn't make you weak it just means that things effect you, it just means that you aren't as apart from other people (who are going to feel those things at times too) than you think/fear. And you know sometimes even if those feelings can be really uncomfortable for you at times, they can work for you too.
For example if you're unsure in some situations then that's going to mean that you're going to be really thinking about the pro's and con's of the situation, if you're worried about not doing something right then you're going to be more focused on what you need to do to make it work, if you're feeling vulnerable then you're in a better position to let other people in/and it can show that things really matter to you (which is good). So maybe try to embrace some of those things in yourself a bit??
They don't have to be "bad", you're feeling, you're not numb to things around you, you're not oblivious to things that may turn out to be really meaningful and significant to you, you're open to life, and living, and all the good parts of that too. Without those feelings you'd probably be missing out on so much. So try to give that side of you some credit??? Try not to judge yourself or those feelings too harshly when they come up??? It's alright.
But of course we don't want them going into overdrive now do we??!! So maybe if they're completely taking over just acknowledge them and have a think of what you might be able to do to make you feel better, be a little more understanding/empathetic towards yourself and your feelings??
Maybe tell people what you're feeling and ask for a little support or understanding from them. Nothing wrong at all with that!! Everyone is going to need understanding and support from others at times. Maybe tell yourself that this may take some work but............. Maybe take a closer look at how you are going to get through whatever it is.
Maybe allow yourself to think it's alright to fail at times, that just gives you the knowledge to try again when you're ready and do things differently, it's all a step towards getting something right (a really valuable step!!). And you know for all the things you can't do, there will be something you can do.
And in the words of a genius , just remember: "I know I'm a great person"!!!
Just don't be afraid to bring that to the table, flaws....imperfections.........they're all part of that great person, and can be all part of what makes that person great.
Alison

[pkey]

Maybe the terms "good side" and "bad side" imply that I have two different spheres, like two different personalities, that assert themselves in different situations. If one of those spheres did consistently feel anxious and afraid, I guess its possible that the second sphere would become frustrated with the first. Then, the overall problem would be the reaction from the "good" (inner) sphere to the "bad" (outer) sphere, and the solution would be for the good sphere to accept the bad sphere.

When I am in an unfamiliar situation, I feel cold, but my personality still "smells" like me. I can look back and still recognize my actions as "something that I would do." Even though I have this connection with my outer layer, I think the overwhelming feeling is sadness of the missed opportunity to show my real self. A common trend in psychology is to "hate" the "other self," but I don't view myself (even in my "weak and timid" state) as a different person.

I don't know if I can have my "outer self" work for my "inner self" because the outer self derives its power from the inner self - just without the external confidence and relaxed demeanor. I guess this is going away from my initial post, but I really am confused. What if I can't shake this "outer self" (if getting rid of the outer self is really what's best for me as a whole) because maybe my relaxed demeanor is the illusion rather than the timid behavior? Have you ever heard of any situation like this? I assume that this is rather common based on the views/replies to this thread. Am I missing something that everyone else knows?

Thank you so much,
Pkey

[Frankbtl]

Hi pkey, you know I think you've got some really good insight into what different situations make you feel like, but you'd like to be able to take a bit more control over the situations and your feelings??
Maybe have a look at the "Why"s (??) as to why this/that situation makes you feel.............e.g. I cut off then because it feels overwhelming......it feels overwhelming because I'm afraid of..........and perhaps "challenge" the reasons for those feelings.
And perhaps have another look at the kinds of things that give you that confident/relaxed demeanor and how you can bring that more to the forefront in times you feel less in control (as we're all going to feel less in control at times).
I'd say that you don't necessarily have to pin yourself down to "I'm this........." or "I'm that.........." though, there can be so many different aspects to you, in different quantities that come all together as one. And maybe let those aspects work together/for each other in a way that benefits you most. If that makes sense???
Alison

[pkey]

Alison,

Thank you for sticking with me these past few days. I need some time to digest your words and also the thought that - maybe the inevitable result in having a strong inner self is that it can't be engaged ALL of the time. Expecting that I can just understand things and have perfect confidence all of the time may be a little unreasonable. I guess the key is to always keep in mind that I have the ability to achieve these things, and to not get discouraged when my inner core has to rest. It's a pattern that echoed in nature as well - any system where one area is highly concentrated is guaranteed to also have an area with low concentration. I guess it's like the two poles of a magnet or some kind of liquid that needs to be shaken before use. Both areas (the concentrated and diluted) are still part of the whole, and I guess the reward for surviving the diluted is to have that concentrated area waiting to pop out.

It's hard though - I still have this area in my mind that's covered in shadows. I've been slowly thinking for some time now, and I believe that I know what subject is covered by this dark veil. It might be the reason for the speed in which I "forget" that my inner strength exists. I'm not ready to face that now - while I am still getting used to the idea of concentration/dilution - but the extra time might give me more ideas about how to slowly dissect the shadows.

Thank you so much, and hopefully someone else on these forums will be influenced by your words,
-Pkey