[darkpurplesecrets]

I am feeling so confused and unsure how one is to know if what you feel is really okay or not. Seems having feelings is wrong, being depressed, feeling sad and lost, all must be hidden so not to affect anyone else. And it is hard when that is how and what you feel.

It seems others can feel the way they want to and there is an excuse or reason it is okay, they are accepted and loved for who they are. No making them feel what they feel is wrong, or that they shouldn't feel what they feel. They don't seem to be too much or bad for what they cannot help feeling.

Having a mental illness is something most if not all did to themselves or asked for, and when you have been abused and hurt, it doesn't just go away and sometimes can take years to work through. It is hard to just turn off what one feels, and I too have a mental illness and I am working hard trying to heal from it all. But I feel I am failing and too much for anyone to be around.

People used to make me feel I had to be happy and being depressed, fearful, lost, etc. was not okay. They would put me down and make me feel I was all wrong. My self-esteem was non-existent. The way I felt was not important and needed to not exist if I was to be cared about or accepted.

I have always had to paint on a mask so no one would know how I felt or what I was going through. I only allowed myself to feel how I really felt in the darkness of the night, behind closed windows, blinds, and only a kerosene lamp so that I could dim it and no one would know I was up. I would write by this lamp, hide it away during the daylight so no one would know what I wrote. And so I would not get in trouble or my writings taken and told they were wrong and of the devil.

I have painted on a mask for so long trying to be what everyone else wanted/wants me to be knowing that I was all wrong, and that I was to forget the past and let it go and give it to God. But it is not that easy and what happened to me throughout my life does not just go away and I cannot just let it go, give it to God, forget, or pretend I am okay. I am not.

But again, I am feeling I have to paint on a mask, be okay for everyone else, and hide away what I feel. I often cry late into the night only then allowing what is within to come out before daylight comes and I hide it all away again to the best that I can. Trying hard to not be depressed or show the struggle I deal with that is tearing me apart.

I know I am too much, and that I am failing to hide it, but I am trying so hard. But how does one pretend to be okay when they are not? How does one tuck it all away by light of day? Why am I all wrong? Why can't I just be good and do what others want? I've always tried to be good and somehow fail, or feel a failure to everyone.

Unconditional love does not want someone who is bad. I am in my 50's and again I am feeling so small and bad. Do we ever stop feeling that way? Is there really unconditional love for someone like me? Am I so bad that there is no one that can really love and care, or who can understand I didn't do this to myself but now have to deal with all that has happened?

I cannot even let my own children know I am not okay or that I am still in therapy. That is a no no and unacceptable. Is there no one in the world that understands that what happened to me is the reason I am feeling the way I do, and I am working hard to heal? And that I can't help it?

The damage my life caused me is now causing damage for everyone else, because of me and what I am now going through. Is life really worth it? Will I ever be accepted for me and not for who people think I should be? Or want me to be? I am trying but I feel there are expectations I have to meet to be accepted. Expectations I cannot meet at least not right now.

So for now I will just hide the way I feel beneath the mask I know so well, and only allow my real feelings to expose themselves in the darkness of the night where everything else seems to expose itself in terrifying ways. Maybe then I won't be bad.

I'm so confused and unsure what I am supposed to be, and the biggest problem is, this is me and I am trying the best I can. But will it ever be good enough? Will I ever be good enough?

........

[Seablisse]

I believe I understand where you are coming from. Its a horrible feeling when you are "expected" to feel like others say "you should", act like they believe you should act, and when you cant live up to their preconceived notions and expectations of "the right way to be" its held against you.

[sabby]

((((((((((( dps )))))))))))

The title to your thread:

Will I ever be good enough.......I'm trying so hard.......

I think the most important thing for you to do with this question is to find that you are good enough for yourself first and foremost.

When you can do that, you will begin to be strong enough not to care what others think of you or expect of you.

[vital]

Originally Posted by darkpurplesecrets

I am feeling so confused and unsure how one is to know if what you feel is really okay or not. Seems having feelings is wrong, being depressed, feeling sad and lost, all must be hidden so not to affect anyone else. And it is hard when that is how and what you feel.
........

I know where you're coming from! Being horribly depressed is one thing. It's even worse if you're in a situation where you have to hide the fact that you're horribly depressed.

I had what you have, but I'm free now. I still have the same feelings and occasional negative thoughts. The huge difference is that they no longer dominate me. My feelings actually tend to be more intense than before, but they are almost always much shorter in duration and they do not repeat. I decide if I want to continue feeling them or not. I am no longer AFRAID of my own thoughts and feelings.

[Thunder Bow]

Just be you, with all your feelings. Your mind has internalized your abuse when you were little. None of it is true. What others had put on your in past, had nothing to do with you personally. It was all their sickness, not yours.

Never try to fit some one else model or mold. You can only be you, and who is it that has the right to judge you?

You came a long way in your healing. Now is time to take the risk of just being you!

[PianogirlPlays]

A good discussion as I have to work very hard to seem like I am alright when mostly I am not. This forum helps because I feel like I can be honest.

[avlady]

i totally agree with sabby and the others too

[Rand.]

I hope this makes sense as I'm going on very little sleep and am on my phone.
I remember trying so hard to be good. I was a bit younger so it involved trying to do as I was told by my parents and doing well at school and doing well at art. I was doing my absolute best. I was depressed and had untreated ADD but I was working as hard as I could. I felt that I was making progress! Then someone said something like "Why can't you just do things right!?" I was crushed. I realized that my best really wasn't all that great at that time. I quit everything and holed myself up for months. I wish I understood my illness and difficulties. I wish someone said I needed to have compassion on myself. I wish I knew that trying to deal with depression is like trying to run with a bad leg. Some people can hide that but sometimes no matter what you can't hide it. You end up running in a very lopsided way and can't go fast or you might fall. It's hard. But here's the thing. No one blames a person with a bad leg if they fall. People realize and understand that there are limitations. They might encourage the runner and help them and root for them.
Sadly, Mental illness is not as understood by others. It's still stigmatized. We're getting better but we still have a long way to go. And then we internalize what they say and how they react or even how we think they will react. And then we beat ourselves up. Compound that with just having depression to start with. That's like hitting a bad leg. Thing is, you ARE worth a lot. You are worthy of love. Unconditional love is just that - love with no strings attached. It's hard when we're depressed, but try to be compassionate to yourself. It's harder to do certain things with depression. That's just the way it is. Depression feeds lies that are hard to ignore into our mind that we are unworthy. But it is a lie. It's the depression talking. this is a hard battle you face. It's very hard. Very few people can even begin to understand what it's like to have it and even then, what you deal with is unique to you.
Well, maybe you know all this and I'm just preaching to the choir. I just want to encourage you in the end. I want to say something that will help. But i know that no matter what I say it'll still be really hard. And sometimes I'm not so good at being encouraging. I guess I just want to give you a big hug.

[kapis]

I agree with what Sabby wrote.

Also - just wanted to share a thought, a realization that tremendously have helped me during my journey: Miguel Ruiz in his 'Four Agreement' talks about how you can increase your own happiness by decreasing the difference of the inner image (the image and expectations you have of you) and the outer image (the image and expectations others have of you).

[cool09]

I'm your age and feel the same way as you do. I feel like the World is backwards. We're all told not to act selfish but there's a line where all people are selfish and they'll let you know it. And I feel like Robin Williams when he said "Sometimes it seems like everything's great in the World then at other times everything feels crazy". Life is a charade and you have to act to get through life. Everyone acts. Some people are better at it than others. The problem with acting is that there's no enjoyment behind it. Alan Watts calls it playing Hide and Seek with yourself: You let your true self out at times and at other times you hide your true self. It's rare for a person to display their true self 100% of the time. I don't have an answer for you. I feel like you do. I feel like I'm not accepted when I say something and criticized when I don't say anything. I constantly ruminate about it and I can't find a happy medium, it makes me depressed and it drains me.

[darkpurplesecrets]

Thank you ((((all)))).

My feelings today are right on the edge. Not feeling too well at least not at the moment so will write more later. I do appreciate everyone's responses and I am sorry to those who know what I am talking about or having/had the same feelings. I send good thoughts and prayers to you.

dps

[cool09]

you can increase your own happiness by decreasing the difference of the inner image (the image and expectations you have of you) and the outer image (the image and expectations others have of you).

When you are dysfunctional to a small or large degree and you lower your expectations of yourself the majority of people will still come down on you because you're not pulling your weight in some way. I've tried to be satisfied with just taking care of myself and not causing rifts with others, letting others be who they are, etc. and I get no acceptance and all sorts of people (strangers, family, etc.) come down on me mostly thru implicit (not explicit) communication. I don't understand why I don't get acceptance when I say something and I get criticized when I don't say anything. I'm not into small talk - I don't have the energy for that (or acting to a degree) and I get major backlash for that behavior. What's wrong with not saying anything? The people who run their mouths fooling themselves into thinking that they're holding a real conversation and are doing the right thing are the delusional and deranged ones. Socialization is organic - it's not something that is forced, imo.

[darkpurplesecrets]

Today I feel myself hiding, trying hard to push back emotions and not let anyone know. I didn't sleep almost all night after awaking from a terrifying dream. I fear letting anyone close, trying hard to hold it within myself as there are too many other things happening. I don't feel it is anyone's place to care what is going on for myself right now. Life doesn't care that I am not completely in the here and now, and struggling to try to stay in it.

I don't think it is that I care what other's think or expect of me, but that I care enough and think of what others are going through that what I feel is not important and not worthy of time or that there is not time. And to be honest, I don't think I care about me, and I do still hear and feel what those in the past said to me and drilled into my head that still screams within but never comes to the outside.

My PTSD is high today, but I am so afraid to even say that, afraid it will be said it is not that, and afraid that if I allowed anyone close to what is within, I will be sent away or locked up...even behind a locked door on a ward. Our silent screams within never hit the air outside of this body, they never have and even the screams themselves knew they never could so much that even now they only scream within our dreams, within the chaos inside, within where they were always safe and could exist. Existence anywhere else could or would have cost us our life.

And even though we wanted out, often even thoughts of ending ourselves, to be ended any other way terrified us all to the core. Those thoughts are strong, silently, hiding between and among our emotions that are fighting hard to hide themselves from the world around us----and we will fight with all we have----to keep them hid. But those very thoughts themselves contradict our fear of death itself. For not only myself but many within are terrified of dying and all that comes with it. And we know that in death feelings and thoughts can't and don't exist any more, but today is not a day to tell us that or to try to get us to get it or understand.

But at times like now, that fighting conflict struggles because at 5 years of age, our knowledge was only based on what we had already went through and what we were facing and fighting right then. Death terrified us but was a very real thing staring at us right in the face. But I fear to say any more than that. I cannot even get that back to me for it is only us that comes and only us that got and can get us through.

Today, those very things are hitting hard and very vividly and I am struggling to stay adult. At times the world seems to be too big, and I am so tiny that even these keys are hard to push as they seems to be huge to these fingers trying hard to type. Then within seconds everything gets so tiny, and I feel huge, and I am struggling not to hit several keys at the same time as my hands seem to cover so many at one time. I know I am dissociated and depersonalizing, I cannot help it, not right now. I feel afraid.

So the thoughts today are screaming will I ever be good enough. I fear I am failing everyone, and that everyone will be mad or upset with me because of where I am. And I am afraid to reach out except in the silence of these words, risking no one will understand or care, and feeling unsafe and afraid to even know the truth to what anyone else feels towards me and those within. Today is a fight, not to run, not to disappear, to hold onto hope that someone is there or even dares to care.

No disrespect intended, just fear. Fear everywhere, growing bigger than even these words. Wanting to be heard, struggling not to hide from these words, yet knowing these words are the only way to let anyone know where we are. And then knowing that even though these words are seen or heard, that mask of we're okay and fine will put forth every effort to keep everyone at bay and to function as if nothing was going on.

So see, it is our own fault. We cause the not being good enough. We cause no one being there. We cause no one knowing that we are not okay and are afraid. We cause everyone to walk away throwing up their hands as how to help us or what to do or what we need. We learned that well if we learned nothing else. We felt so much but learned to turn it off and not let anyone near. We learned that scream was to become silent, so silent that even now it is terrified to be heard or even known how close it really is.

We learned so well and believed that we were not good enough to be cared about, helped, worthy, or close to. That no matter how many words we write, no matter how hard we try to reach out or tell someone, we are going to pull away and sabotage any help or care that possibly could or would reach back to us.......and that makes us fail no matter how loud we scream it through words, we are alone in it all. No matter how well we write, no matter how close we get to revealing what holds us back, it will be blocked, by somewhere and something within ourselves that has never learned to get beyond the tears and fear that we write about.

They did a job on us, a job we ourselves are afraid of, damage that we will never be good enough....no matter how hard we try. IT'S OUR FAULT....IT'S OUR FAULT....IT'S OUR FAULT......HOW MUCH MORE HONEST CAN WE BE....IT'S ALL OUR FAULT.....WE GET IT....WE....GET....IT......

And I am so afraid I am losing everyone here and everyone in real life and begging everyone not to turn away, walk away, or leave us....but how I can ask anyone to do anything else but that.........and I cry because I feel trapped within my own words, something I hear screaming within and coming out here, and feel I am asking something unfair and impossible, because I am impossible and ruined to the very core of all, of me......................

And I am scared that I push/pushed everyone away forever..............and I didn't mean to or even try, it is just happening.....my own words and cries for help are damaging me further.........always have and always will..........no one is to ever get close.......and they did this through my own words and efforts....they did this...........through myself..................

[JadeAmethyst]

[sabby]

((((((((((((( All of dps )))))))))))))

I'm so sorry you are struggling with the things you talked about here. I cannot imagine how the fear drives you and how it makes you feel.

You wrote:

IT'S OUR FAULT....IT'S OUR FAULT....IT'S OUR FAULT......HOW MUCH MORE HONEST CAN WE BE....IT'S ALL OUR FAULT.....WE GET IT....WE....GET....IT......

I'm sorry dps, but it was and is NOT YOUR FAULT that you were programmed to behave in specific ways and to react in specific ways when someone is too close or you are too close to revealing the secrets that only THEY wanted you to keep because THEY KNEW THEY WERE WRONG in what they did to you.

You seem to be gaining some good realities as you are moving forward in life and in your therapy. These realities can be scary and it will take time to put them into focus and act in ways that will help those fears and lies come out, be heard and be dealt with so that you can find some peace within.

It is all possible dps and you are NOT alone in this trek. Regardless of what inside is telling you that is all negative, it is not the truth my friend. The truth never needs to be covered up, the lies and deceit need to be brought forward and out of the darkness so that you may find the light. And it will happen. I have enough faith and hope for the both of us and then some.

You are my friend, my sister and I love you dearly. I am here. I have not left you, even after all we have been through and all that I have learned about you. What I know about you is that you are kind and giving and loving and that is always at the top of the list my friend.

xoxo