[JustNeedAnEar]

My chest is so heavy I can hardly breathe! Today is my 20th wedding anniversary. Woo Hoo. The man I married is downstairs in his (home) office. We barely speak, but especially not today. He probably knows if he brings it up, I'll ask him why we are stilling doing this. It's a sham, a show, a completely phoney display. We have not been intimate in close to 4 years, unless you include him fondling me in my sleep when he is drunk. I simply can't be intimate with someone who I don't have a face to face relationship with. I'm so very lonely. I did ask for a divorce about 6 months ago, even brought home the papers. He was more worried about me taking "what was his" than he was about our non-existent relationship. He told me that if I went through with it, he would immediately retire and end all insurance and financial support for our twin sons, just starting college. He got me when he asked me how I could do that to the kids. In lieu of my filing papers, I opted to give him time for counseling - another joke. He went once, I went once, we went once, and he is done - just too busy. I'm sure he is afraid for anyone but me to see what is really going on here. To the outside world, he has this lovely handsome family, but behind closed doors is another story. Did I mention that he drinks? I guess you could call him a functional alcoholic. He keeps a good job, but drinks every day, and over does it about twice a month. A few mights ago, it was 6 large glasses of wine. He was slurring and repeating himself all through dinner. The kids were amused. It used to be more frequent, but I guess my complaining did a little good. It has started to affect his memory and behaviors, but he won't admit it. He can't remember the simplest things and is becoming more incompetent over time. It's difficult to watch and the kids are not fooled.
I feel so trapped, but if I am selfish enough to leave (I have the means) for my sake, I feel like I will be throwing my kids under the bus. My daughter is just starting high school. All three will be in a safe place in about 3 1/2 more years, I just don't know if I can make it that far. Sometimes (more often than I should admit) I consider more permanent solutions to get me out of here, but I won't do anything that would negatively affect my babies. The images in my mind of being pain free are sometimes so tempting, but no. So here I sit: sad, lonely, alone, brokenhearted. I know I just need to serve out my time, but sometimes its just really hard to live like this. I'm a creative person and this is just sucking the lifeblood right out of me. It takes my energy and creativity and just sends it into a black hole. Ok, that is my rant for today. I will pull myself out of this, it might just take a while this time. I does help to tell someone, anyone, even if it is just an anonymous computer screen that things are NOT alright here. Thanks for listening.

[sideblinded]

Hi JustNeedAnEar

I read your post and it is a frustrating situation for sure. I am glad that you vented. Could you see a therapist for yourself? It would be a great way to vent to someone and get some constructive feedback. It sounds like you are a devoted mother and sometimes mom's just feel worn out. You sound worn out. Please seek help through a therapist or your friends. Call them and take walks if you are able and get some of your frustrations out. I really feel for you.

I wish I had better answers but there are always solutions. I hate that you feel trapped. many for you

[avlady]

You definately need to take time for yourself before anyone else. Im sorry about the way your husband acts, it sounds familiar to my situation at one time and if i didnt leave my ex, sons father, i dont know where id be now. About your children, they dont need to be around someone like you describe. I know you are worried about the schooling, but could they get financial aid? I hope you are ok and i hate to say it but get away from this jerk as soon as possible!!!

[Open Eyes]

(((JustNeedAnEar))),

Have you ever gone to an Alanon Meeting? You are not alone with this challenge and braving it and finding a group near you can provide you with a way to vent and also get understanding support. Plus you can meet others that not only understand but can become friends so you are not alone with this challenge.

Also, it isn't just you that is suffering and affected, even though you may not think so, it "is" affecting your children. You can learn more about that when you interact with others at an Alanon meeting. I went to these meetings myself when I was struggling badly and very alone. However, my husband eventually got sober and began going to AA meetings, it really became his life for a while, which left me alone again, but at least he was working on being sober. It went from it being about Alcohol to being about AA and following the program and finally growing up.

The thing about alcoholism is that it is a lonely disease and if the person doesn't stop the disease will progress and become terminal. Many of the individuals become alcoholics because they had something else before they started, with my husband it was ADHD and Dyslexia and he began to drink for an escape from the way his ADHD kept him wound up all the time. However, there are also individuals that become alcoholics because they suffer from PTSD and don't realize it, they are trying to find a way to escape that challenge.

You also need to understand how this situation is not good for you either. This is a situation that you are "entrapped" in and you "are" a victim and that can increase your chances of developing PTSD. People tend to think that PTSD is only something that develops from a traumatic event, that is not true, PTSD can develop from being trapped in a bad situation for a long time too. When you have tried to break away your husband threatens you, he also threatens his own children's welfare knowing that you will remain a Codependent if he does threaten their livelihood and normal home life (however, that is already taking place you just don't realize it).

The other thing you need to recognize is that the behaviors your husband has been displaying is not a good sign either, the alcohol is taking a toll on his brain now. I don't mean to scare you, but you need to really understand what you are dealing with. Yes, you are right, he is not married to you, he is married to the disease of alcoholism. While your children may be amused now, later on they will look back on these behaviors and be very challenged, they will also feel he did not love them enough to stop and actually be a father to them. There are meetings that these children end up going to as struggling adults called ACOA (adult children of alcoholics). Also, what you are unknowingly teaching them to be is a "codependent" where in their subconscious they are learning that it is normal to be and accept codependency. They are not seeing a healthy normal relationship either so how are they going to understand what that really is?

Look, I don't want to scare you ((JustNeedAnEar)), but you really need to know what the reality of your situation is. I have experienced it myself, it was such a long road for me too. I was not prepared to have to stand up and in many ways be the strong one in my marriage either. There is more help and knowledge now then when I was struggling, now they are realizing how there are often pre-existing problems that lead someone to becoming and alcoholic, for my husband it was his two learning disabilities that went undiagnosed because it just was not understood when he was growing and developing as it is now.

I have been married for 34 years, my husband has been sober and stayed involved with AA for 24 years now. Just because he got sober, the challenge did not end, he only had the maturity level of around age 12/13 and it took him a long time to actually "grow up" and I had to learn how to "not" mother him. My husband is not a bad man, however, the disease was bad and he remained challenged with the ADHD/Dyslexia that it took me years before I finally had a therapist see that and educate me about it. Even though my husband was sober and stayed committed to AA, I still had to deal with the ADHD/Dyslexia problems where he was still a person who talked over me, interrupted me, had bouts of impatient anger that he often directed at me. I have often discribed him as having a Dr. Jeckle and Mr. Hyde personality where I was always on edge with a waiting for that Mr. Hyde to come forward and take it out on me. I never knew "who" was going to walk through that door when he came home. I have only learned about what is behind that this year as my therapist noticed it immediately upon meeting him and observing him. Oh, I have cried often not only for myself and wishing I had been told about that years ago, but for him as well because he never really understood that challenge either.

((JustNeedAnEar)), I hear you, I do know how it is and it took a lot of courage for me to go to an Alanon meeting, I did not want to run into anyone that might know me, I was afraid to talk about how bad it really was for me too. I remember sitting in that room and thinking "look where I am now, this is not what is supposed to happen". I have to say, it is far from what I ever could have imagined my life to be about. However, it's like that for everyone else that faces that challenge, and it's amazing how many actually do have that challenge and are reaching out for help and support.

Know this though, this disease "is" affecting your entire family, you cannot pretend that is not, so, you cannot hide from it because it "is" a reality. It is very hard, but you have to become proactive, your children are already being hurt, they need to see how to be strong and proactive and "you are the one" that has to be brave and take action. You can't just try to pretend anymore, you need to reach out for help and support now and it is not going to be easy, I know it so well myself. I am very sorry you are experiencing this, you deserve to have more support, it's time.

(((Caring Supportive Understanding Hugs)))
OE

[Open Eyes]

"I feel so trapped, but if I am selfish enough to leave (I have the means) for my sake, I feel like I will be throwing my kids under the bus." quote JustNeedAnEar

Your taking action is not being selfish. You need to reach out for help so you can "learn" that taking action is in no way being "selfish". What would you tell your children if they were trapped in this situation? The first step to taking action is in reaching out for help so you can learn what to do next and what this scenario is really saying to your children that you are not realizing right now.

I think it was good that you took this step here and are beginning an effort to reach out.

[Thunder Bow]

Get your husband to a Doctor ASAP!

[JustNeedAnEar]

We had a little discussion this morning. Not too productive, but maybe a start. I have asked him to go 90 days without any alcohol. We both agreed that if he cannot accomplish this simple task, then he really does have a problem. We'll see where that goes. I appreciate everyone's input as well. Thank you so much for listening. As for my own therapist, I have gone recently, but I came to the point that I feel like I am just constantly complaining, but not doing anything positive about moving forward. I will look into the Alanon connection though. It might be helpful. I did go to a meeting once many (30?) years ago, when I had a boyfriend that I discovered drank way too much (a pattern for me?) but the easier solution then was to dump the boyfriend. Not so easy when kids and a life are involved. I will look for those resources in my area. Thanks again for listening and responding. It's tough to get through this when you feel like you are all alone.

[Open Eyes]

Yes, it "is" tough to get through this challenge and you are right, it is very lonely. That is why I am glad you found PC, and I suggested also finding some alanon meetings too.

You mentioned that your husband is going to try going 90 days without? Well, if he has been drinking every day be careful, he could experience some bad withdrawls.

It would be better for him to go to AA meetings, he really needs to know he not only has a problem, but he can get a lot of support to learn how to live his life without the alcohol and become much happier as a person. His disease is a lonely one too.

[seesaw]

My heart goes out to you. I just wanted to add that your kids are feeling this and staying together just for the kids can cause a lot of damage to the kids because of the unhappiness they have to witness. They will be better off with a happy mother who can support them emotionally and otherwise.

Best of luck,
Seesaw