[Moth-fly]

When I'm alone and just doing normal things, I suddenly let out this muffled scream and start twitching for a second. Or I suddenly slam my fist on something. No tears yet. I'm aware of this, so naturally I go back to pretending that nothing happened.

My mom's obviously the trigger. Usually after she gets angry about something. Then sometimes I contemplate waving a knife in her face [jokingly] or slapping or strangling her [not jokingly]. She's still acting like her usual self, but... I don't know. Sometimes I freak out just imagining talking w/ her, or reminding myself of something hypocritical she said. I love her and I want to bash her head against the tile and I can't live without her. Feels terrifying.

I went to see a therapist back in February for "generalized depression". But I was being too vague so he turned me away and gave me his secretary's number in case I was able to solidify my thoughts. So neither my mom or I called again, even up to today. During the summer, I told her I was having violent thoughts, and she said we would call once I got back. Of course, we didn't. Then I wanted to try telling her about my feelings and being open for once. But she decided to tell me her mom was dying [She's kept herself together.] so it didn't feel right to dump my problems on her.

Of course, I have to get to the roots if I want to solve this. Most likely. But apart from therapy/meds, does anyone have advice on how to curb sudden outbursts? Concentrating on other things isn't as effective as it should be.

* My mom always told me that bottling up your emotions was bad. This is probably the end result of it. But at least the relief at the end of the tunnel will feel better...? XD

[Travelinglady]

Hi, Moth-fly! I find that writing about how I feel and why is very helpful. Depression can be caused by anger turned inward, by the way.

[XSleepingSiren21X]

I'm very similar to what your saying as well. My mother is usually the result of my irrational and unpredictable anger. Not just her though, mostly anyone I don't like or annoy me, but when growing up instead my mom was the opposite to how yours is when it comes to bottling emotions. My mom forced me to suppress mine and keep them from showing so that's what causes me to be so explosive sometimes, I can't control hardly any of my emotions, let alone identify them.

I'm very sorry your suffering and hope you find a way to maybe reason out your emotions. I know what helps me is listening to music and pacing. It helps me escape from reality to think or day dream things over.

[Thunder Bow]

I would go with the small print at the bottom of your post. It is most important thing you said.

[Moth-fly]

As a starting note, I've been able to naturally curb my outbursts, so I can at least feel pride in that.

Originally Posted by Thunder Bow

I would go with the small print at the bottom of your post. It is most important thing you said.

So I tried that just now, literally. It was long and I took a while to get to the point, but what it boiled down to was,

"I can't yet communicate how much I resent you, and how much different I am from what you perceive. That's why I think a therapist child psychiatrist(?) can help me sort out my thoughts, since we're both pretty bad at it."

I think she's kinda' bewildered, but I really feel like I've made a few steps in the right direction.

Originally Posted by XSleepingSiren21X

I know what helps me is listening to music and pacing. It helps me escape from reality to think or day dream things over.

Luckily, it turns out that I already do those things, and they do help. ^_^

Originally Posted by Travelinglady

Hi, Moth-fly! I find that writing about how I feel and why is very helpful. Depression can be caused by anger turned inward, by the way.

Thanks for the tip there. I've been keeping entries at random since October of last year. I do find that they're a good track record of how much I've changed. ^_^

[avlady]

Yes i think listening to music helps alot too.

[Moth-fly]

As an addendum to my previous post, I didn't want to imply that I curbed my outbursts completely.

We ended up stalling the call to the child psychiatrist. Again.

I tried talking to my mom about tests that I did bad on. I was purposefully withholding them from her, but I wanted to to try and create and honest dialogue for once. She accidentally ended up triggering an outburst from a valid concern. I squashed a poor sushi roll with my fist; I'm just so glad this didn't happen in public.

I suppose that I can't really handle her pressure. Other people's pressure feels more valid. She's also told me [with intention of helping] that bad emotions won't stop unless I control them, which of course is complete bull. Right?

[Thunder Bow]

"Child Psychiatrist" is an perfect match for you. You doing much for yourself. Keep at it, and I wish you the best of luck. You will heal.

[Moth-fly]

We ended up having a similar argument. I was lying down on my bed pretending to listen to music, since my mom was asking about a volunteer form I hadn't filled out in two weeks. She ended up dropping my planner on my thigh to "get" my attention, which scared the living **** out of me. I asked her why she didn't just tap my thigh since it would've been more polite, and she told me that due to her arthritis and stuff she didn't want to bend down, which would be a valid reason except for the fact that she was willing to pick up my planner from the floor, so... we got two sentences into an argument about my homework before I "politely" pushed her out of my room, no eye contact. I realized that I locked my cat in my room, so I let him out, and I noticed my mom's feet still standing outside (Shock?), no eye contact.

I've also been short-circuiting again tonight. I really need to get this psychiatry-ball rollin', huh? But I think we're having guests for Thanksgiving so I at least to join them in rubbing my cat's belly.

The main problem I see is that treating anyone like I occasionally treat my mom isn't healthy. But my "heart" sees her as an acceptable target; no way in hell would I lash hit at a teacher or stranger or whomever I'm angry at.

[mikemac]

Some quick comments here, hopefully useful in your case:

1. she is right with regards to you controlling negative emotions. They will still be present but silent , awaiting to be unleashed. Unless you use better strategies to master them before they create unnecessary damages in your life

2. That thing going on with your mum, might be , and i'm not being 100% sure here, that there is an anchor , with regards to a negative emotion, that has been created between you two. It seems easy for a simple comment to escalate into an argument.

If you dont find any positive result with the psy, try an anger management specialist. If you cant find none in your area , let me know and i'll try to help

[Moth-fly]

I was looking up writing tips when my mom decided to give me the same "think about your future" stuff again. For some reason she still doesn't think I get it. So this time no punches were thrown, no throats were strangled; I caved. I just broke out into this big mess of tears and she calmed down. It was kinda' pathetic, but rewarding in its own right.

Originally Posted by mikemac

Some quick comments here, hopefully useful in your case:

1. she is right with regards to you controlling negative emotions. They will still be present but silent , awaiting to be unleashed. Unless you use better strategies to master them before they create unnecessary damages in your life

2. That thing going on with your mum, might be , and i'm not being 100% sure here, that there is an anchor , with regards to a negative emotion, that has been created between you two. It seems easy for a simple comment to escalate into an argument.

If you dont find any positive result with the psy, try an anger management specialist. If you cant find none in your area , let me know and i'll try to help

Hmm... I personally think it might [partially] be because of this "anchor" that I started bottling up stuff in the first place. I'd just get the same reaction over and over again, so I guess there wasn't any point invoking a reaction in the first place. Which doesn't change the reaction, it just makes it more explosive when I invite it again. I think I've likened it more to a weed, but the general idea stays the same. Thanks for that. ^_^

[Werewoman]

Originally Posted by Moth-fly

She's also told me [with intention of helping] that bad emotions won't stop unless I control them, which of course is complete bull. Right?

Absolutely! The harder you try to control those bad emotions, the worse they will get and become harder to control. The only way to get a handle on your problem is to find out what's causing them in the first place.

Don't screw up like I did and wait 20 years to deal with your outbursts. Once you realize you have a problem (which you obviously have) things will only get worse the more you try to control them, as I did all those years ago, and sadly, I chose to ignore them until I found myself out of control and completely clueless as to why I was acting that way. I have spent the last decade figuring all of this out, and it would have been so much easier if I had dealt with it when it first started instead of waiting until my life was falling down around my ears and my marriage almost ended.

I hope you find the help you need soon and please keep us posted on your progress.

WW

[Moth-fly]

Originally Posted by Werewoman

Once you realize you have a problem (which you obviously have) things will only get worse the more you try to control them, as I did all those years ago, and sadly, I chose to ignore them until I found myself out of control and completely clueless as to why I was acting that way.

That actually happens to be an incarnate fear of mine. I sincerely hope you've pulled/been pulling through.

Okay, now I really have no incentive to stall any longer. >_>

[Werewoman]

Originally Posted by Moth-fly

That actually happens to be an incarnate fear of mine. I sincerely hope you've pulled/been pulling through.

Okay, now I really have no incentive to stall any longer. >_>

Yes, I have 'pulled through' for the most part. I am blessed with a very understanding and loving husband who is also wise enough to know when I need a push and when to back off and let me figure things out for myself.

I still have the occasional bad day, but at least now I know (usually) how to deal with them, and on the rare occasion I can't deal with them, I know what to do in order to get 'over the hump' and back to being more 'normal'.

I still haven't figured out the whole concept of that 'normal' thing......

[Moth-fly]

My mom promised to set up a thing for Thursday. But the buildup to then has just been so emotionally trying that I really want to... carve a... wall... with a... a, spoon. I have a spoon on me right now, so why not? :/

I've also seen more evidence of the strict-parent ""archetype"" in both of my parents, although I noticed it earlier. It's strange, I thought I'd be able to deal w/ it in mass quantities, but... :/

[Werewoman]

Originally Posted by Moth-fly

My mom promised to set up a thing for Thursday. But the buildup to then has just been so emotionally trying that I really want to... carve a... wall... with a... a, spoon. I have a spoon on me right now, so why not? :/

I've also seen more evidence of the strict-parent ""archetype"" in both of my parents, although I noticed it earlier. It's strange, I thought I'd be able to deal w/ it in mass quantities, but... :/

Thursday is not that far off, so please hang in there even if it means carving up a wall with a spoon to keep you sane.

Also, I'm not sure I know what you mean by strict-parent "archtype", but you are strong or you would not be here sharing your thoughts. Mass quantities or no, you can hang in there until you get the help you need. I know you can.

I'll be thinking and praying for you. Please let me know how it goes on Thursday, either on this thread or by PM. You just seem like such a cool person to me.

WW

[Moth-fly]

Originally Posted by Moth-fly

My mom promised to set up a thing for Thursday.

Nope. Monday. For sure this time.

[Moth-fly]

Originally Posted by Moth-fly

Nope. Monday. For sure this time.

Almost. Almost. Friday.

Originally Posted by Werewoman

Also, I'm not sure I know what you mean by strict-parent "archtype"

Success vs. Happiness is a pretty common thing to struggle with during adolescence. It naturally follows that parents want their children to succeed, a major problem being that some parents have high standards that their child isn't reaching. That sorta' thing; in my case, my reaction is over-the-top and aggressive.

I call it an archetype because you see the idea perpetuated throughout generations, but I suppose the term blurs the lines between reality and fiction a little too much. :P

[Werewoman]

Originally Posted by Moth-fly

Almost. Almost. Friday.

Success vs. Happiness is a pretty common thing to struggle with during adolescence. It naturally follows that parents want their children to succeed, a major problem being that some parents have high standards that their child isn't reaching. That sorta' thing; in my case, my reaction is over-the-top and aggressive.

I call it an archetype because you see the idea perpetuated throughout generations, but I suppose the term blurs the lines between reality and fiction a little too much. :P

Tell me again how old you are? I know many adults who could not articulate what you just have regarding your situation, much less in such an intelligent manner.

I've survived raising two teenagers who have grown into wonderful adults, though when my daughter (who is turning 30 this month, btw) was 17 I once asked her, "who are you, and what have you done with my daughter?". That being said, I always thought it was more important that my children set their own standards for success vs. happiness and then follow their hearts. I tried not to be overbearing and sometimes I worry that I didn't say or do enough, but my kids also know that if they ever need me, not matter what, I am there for them, even when they royally screw up, though there's no guarantee I won't kick their *** because of it.

So perhaps some of your anger may be justified? Hmmmm?

I do not, however, advise - no matter how badly you want to - that you do rude things to walls with eating utensils.

I hope your appointment went well today.

WW

[Moth-fly]

I don't anyone's been lying to me about my birthday, nor does it really matter to me at this point.

"Justified anger". In the first place, anger is [often referred to as] a defender mechanism against something a perceived breach of values; my point being that anger's a chemical reaction. But people have to take into account what's an acceptable amount of anger and what isn't, whether it feels "just" or not, regardless of implied mental instability. So to properly answer your comment; I can't dwell too much on this b/c it's late at night. :P

So like I predicted, I'm stalling again. But my mom's stalling too; that or she's going senile. Not at 50-ish, I don't think so. She would sometimes push me about hurrying this up b/c if I really want to seek help then I should reach out. But I really just want her to force me into this, even though it's illegal without my consent. Actually, I WOULD consent, so all she would have to do is just drive me to the hospital one random day instead of getting Greek food at the mall. And I've told her this too, but nothing. Fu??ing ?u?k. ;'(

I'm also really scared it'll turn out like February where I was sent home w/ a business card b/c I was being too vague. Hold on, scared? S?it. I'm scared again. :S

[Moth-fly]

Instead of carving into things w/ spoons, I've escalated into hitting surfaces w/ my fist. I'm just so f@cking distressed here. ._.

[Moth-fly]

I slapped my mom. Wrote a little diary entry about it.

I stall too long and this happens. I'm going to stay home tomorrow so I can call the therapist for real this time.

[Werewoman]

First I owe you an apology. I misunderstood what you were trying to say.

Please, please, please be honest and open this time when you go for help and make sure they understand that your anger issues are chemical. My fear for you is that the next time you lash out, you will do worse than slapping someone and you could end up in jail.

The question about your age was rhetorical, but I was sincere about your intelligence and ability to articulate. It takes courage to ask for help, but once you do, things will slowly get better.

I am 52, and I still remember well when I thought there was no hope for me and that I would always be broken. Now with the help of a good therapist, psychiatrist, and medications I am happy and healthy. I still have the occasional bad day, but I now have the tools to deal with them better.

Let us know how it goes with the therapist.



WW

[Moth-fly]

Originally Posted by Werewoman

Let us know how it goes with the therapist.



WW

My mom finally pulled through. She called this morning and I've got an appointment for tomorrow morning.

It's a follow-up of my last appointment in March (apparently not February), so it's supposedly going to be half-an-hour-ish.

[Werewoman]

Awesome!