Coping with toxic personalities

It's come to light that there are many toxic personalities out there (not on this site, but in general) and how do you cope with it? The general instinct as a human is to try and narrow down the problem and help the individual, but what do you do when it becomes to much? What do you do when everything you say is a personal attack? Is it okay to walk away? If the person is in serious crisis despite the inability to see their flawed perspective, is it okay to say screw it? How do you deal with the guilt of leaving someone so vulnerable?

Speaking as someone who used to be one of those people, yes. It is entirely within your right. You have no obligation to them, to yourself, to society. You have to know you can't fix people who don't want help.

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I know I'm toxic...everyone I talk to lately seems to agree too.

I appreciate the reply pale, as currently there is someone in my workplace that fits the description of what i am describing. Someone always complaining, always hateful. The good side of me listens and tries to advice but the other side of me things they are being petty and wants to walk away. As the individual sets me off, I was concerned about the idea of walking away, and even more so how it would effect the individual.

ugh, it's the worst when you have to work with them. try a casual dismissal, I guess. shrug and walk away. it's not your job to make them feel better or coddle them, in any case. tell them if the problems are that drastic then they should go to HR

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Patience & Empathy (because you know the person must be hurting inside to be behaving in a toxic manner) initially, and if the person is completely unresponsive to your attempts to improve the interactions/exchanges - then you owe it to yourself to remove yourself from or avoid that type of environment as to not allow someone else to continually bring you down and negatively impact your own state of being. Some people just aren't ready to change their ways and you can't help them do that if they aren't receptive of help/feedback or ready and willing to make the necessary changes/improvements. You don't have to feel guilty for walking away when this happens either - they'll eventually 'get it' and then open themselves up to improving themselves.

Hi. I have had a lot of experience in dealing with toxic people. I have a son who is a Narcissist and I can't even talk to him sometimes. Everything I say is a personal attack against him. I have come to set boundaries with him and others that are this way. You must not let them drain you of all you got. Sometimes there isn't any way of helping someone no matter how much they might need it. They have to WANT to be helped. Don't let guilt get to you, it will eat you alive. You are only human and who says you have to be the one who FIXES this person? Take care of yourself first.

I worked in a great paying (although boring and dead end...) gov. job. I was the only female in a shift work rotation. One of the guys was such a 'downer' every time I would interact with him, it was so depressing! He was one of those glass half empty people... I got the bright idea to start making a joke out of his negativity, and we would play pranks on each other.

Fast forward... he's like 8 years older than me, married ( I am too) but decides he's 'in love with me' . I ended up quitting the job, because even after sitting him down and telling him I did not feel any attraction, he would act like a 7th grader, and it was totally embarrassing!!

AVOID the toxics!! You can't help them, because they don't want to change!!

I appreciate the input everyone, and after the holidays and everyone returns to work on a regular, I'l be avoiding the individual at all cost. I've tried to be reasonable and cater to them and help them out but, yeah, what can I do at this point in time? I have my own demons to deal with.

I like what wolfgaze says. It may help the empathy part to realize that this person probably doesn't realize what they're doing. Sometimes I think it would be a good idea just to film people in their ordinary lives and show it to them. I think that a lot of people would be shocked and horrified at how they act and how they appear to others.

- vital

Wow, I have thought the exact same thing. How could they deny it if you showed them a video of how they act. I would love to do this with my son!

You know Kristen, I think it's a seriously good idea. Maybe schools could do it? It could be a life-changing experience for someone.

- vital

I have toxic father. I do feel guilty that I avoid him. My therapist told me that it is OK to limit my interactions with him to absolute minimum. Now she says it doesn't mean if he is ill (he is not but I was asking what if he gets there as he gets older)I should just ignore and let him suffer , she said no, you come in bring the meds, leave the food for him and leave, that is it. Keep conversations to a minimum, hi, how are you, ignore when he says nonsense, do your thing and leave. The only way to escape toxic people is either completely stop contact or if impossible, then limit it. I feel much much better now when I see him much less and engage in much less conversations. I keep contact but as little as possible.

It won't work, I showed my dad his own emails and texts and told him to read if he doesn't think it is mean and rude, and he always says that we all are just sensitive and he doesn't do anything wrong. I recently cried because he made fun of my painful break up and he still didn't get it why i was so upset.

I have to go with divine1966 on this one. Even hard evidence will not convince someone that they are hurtful to others if they are not willing to confront their illness and seek treatment. They are masters at finding other people or a given situation to explain away their behavior.

A decade ago, I walked away from my foo, and in September - at my sister in laws funeral - My toxic mother managed to figure out a way to tear down my defenses and wanted to have a 'normal' mother/daughter relationship. The whole fiasco has blown up in my face. If I had it to do over, I would still have gone to my sil's funeral, but I wouldn't allow myself to get sucked back into her nightmare world of her own creation. Now I'm trying to figure out a way to get her out of my life again. I don't hate her, and I don't want to hurt her, but everything I do where she is concerned is for the purpose of self-preservation, not to be hurtful. After all, she suffers, too, I know, though she denies it.

The one job I had where I had to deal constantly with a toxic person, I walked away from, too, btw.

Hope this helps.

WW

Thanks,

I am having a problem with someone at work right now, she is one of my only friends and you post made me feel better.

I have since then evaded the person in question, and at one point i did suggest human resources. he said that he hadnt thought to do that, and said he was going to. I havent really spoken to him much since, but at least he isnt trying to drown me in his issues.

Seems like the definition of a toxic person varies, so I guess it would depend on an individual and what behaviors they see as harmful. I think this society as a whole encourages toxic behavior on a large scale for instance.

I have thought about afixing a video to my forehead many times so I can show my T how my husband can go from being so nice and then slipping into what I refer to as Mr. Hyde.
I often wondered how he would react if he was able to see how bad he can get too because it really is like he does this switch and doesn't realize how bad it really is.

I used to try to think ahead even because I have found that whenever a question takes place and I come up with an answer, his response is always the opposite. In my thinking ahead I would think about my response then to avoid the challenge would speak out the opposite. Well, what I discovered is that often simply doesn't work because what is really taking place is that he will simply respond "opposite" no matter what I come out with. It is disagreeing no matter what quite often, especially when he is in that Mr. Hyde mindset.

The truth is that some people will talk over you, interupt you and take over no matter what, it is part of their makeup somehow, which is what I have been learning about the way my husband is with his two learning disabilities.

I think that this might actually be worth a try. If it was me, I'd set up a video for some social situation with several people there and just make it available, so hubby doesn't think it's a campaign to criticize him personally.

I think that most of the people who talk over you and interrupt you and take over don't realize that they are doing it. I remember once, I was the only male invited to a Women in Physics lunch (about 15 females and me) and it was a real eye opening experience. Someone said something, and then.....everybody LISTENED AND THOUGHT ABOUT WHAT THE PERSON SAID. I had not realized it, but my own conversations were hardly ever like that! When males have a conversation, it is often unconsciously a contest for dominance. This attitude is contagious, so people pick it up from each other. You think of what to say while the other person is talking. Listening is for losers. I had picked up this behavior myself without intending it or realizing it.

- vital

vital,

What I have learned about my husband is that he has both Dyslexia "and" ADHD, so his brain is set up very differently than mine is. It was just this past year that my T, after meeting my husband a few times told me how he had noticed right away that my husband definitely shows the ADHD symptoms and to the extreme. If you read about ADHD, interestingly enough they do tend to talk over and interrupt and can be intrusive and state their opinions without even being asked and they are notoriously impatient and impulsive as well. They seem to need to be "in motion" and struggle to stay seditary, so my husband is often "very busy and on the go in many ways". They also can have a tendancy to exaggerate and even be grandios as well.

My husband was a binge alcoholic and I believe it was his way of trying to slow down, he also liked to do cocaine and speed, because stimulants calm him verses speed him up as would be the case with a more "average' type brain. Once I finally put my foot down and he realized he was in fact having a problem with alcohol and was a binge alcoholic he did finally stop and has been involved with AA for 24 years now. What I have come to recognize as well as my T telling me is that many alcoholics struggle with ADHD. One of the things practiced a great deal at AA meetings is learning how to "listen" and learn how to allow others to have the floor without interrupting them. Oddly enough, while my husband even chairs meetings and makes sure others follow this, he has never done that with me. That rule goes right out of the picture when he is with me, and he doesn't even realize just how bad it really is. I have dealt with this challenge for 34 years and I cannot say enough how much it has affected me and I find myself wishing I had been helped to recognize this many years ago when I did pound the pavement trying to get "help". This was not even explained in Ala-non meetings, yet now looking back, this was a challenge that others did have with their partners, they just did not have that piece that I did not have either so they could understand it better.

I can also see what others have said about how even when a person can see their bad behavior, they may not actually recognize it as bad behavior.

That being said, I have also noticed that there "are" self esteem issues that present with this challenge as well, so one has to be careful about "how" they point out these dysfunctions or what is deemed "toxic behavior patterns".

My husband is not a bad person, in fact I can say if you met him, you would like him a lot and may not recognize what I am discribing here. However, if I had a video to show what it is like to be in "my" shoes, you would see it and how bad it can get at times too.

From personal expierence when it comes to a workplace and toxic personalities. Avoid them at all costs and dont invest your own energy. It just makes things worse for you and everyone in the end. It takes alot to change an individual and you yourself really can't change them. They have to.

It is not your place (well bad word more like responsibility) to fix someones toxicity no matter who they are or where they are. That is on them.

I wish I knew I have a close family member like that and it has gotten bad. On top of constantly complaining they turn any issue I have either into their issue it or belittle it and tell me why they have it worse. Since its a coworker I say keep your distance some people just want to be negative and all its ever gotten me is a headache. hugs I hope it gets better, don't let them get you down

I personally like the patient and empathetic approach as WolfGaze mentioned.

We all have to remember at one point or another all of us has made someone else uncomfortable like this at one point or another. Firstly, don't blame that person for it. You may not know what's going on.

Secondly, you cannot expect them to suddenly change. People have to learn at their own pace at the right time in their own space. Respect that as others may have done this to you in YOUR OWN troubling times.

Thirdly, try to remember that what a person says doesn't mean anything. It just means they are thinking it. You do not have ANY control over what they think or why they think it. Try to realize, that's ok. Would you want someone else to have control over what you think? Would you want someone else to change how you think? So, what I am saying here is although your intentions of trying to "FIX" them may be all well and good... If they don't want it, it's wrong.

As the old song goes... "Let it be"



Sometimes you have to, to keep your own Serenity.