[Neirin]

I can't feel anything. Literally nothing. I'm not even sad or miserable... I wish I would at least feel some negative emotions but I don't. I'm thinking about self-harming again because pain is still better than nothing. But I don't think I actually care enough to actually do it.

I have no idea what the point of me writing here even is.
I want to get out of this nothingness.

[kaliope]

i am sorry you are feeling this way. you dont say whether you are in treatment or not. have you considered it? i dont know if i am fortunate but i think i reached this point of acceptance where i realized that this is just how my life is and what can i do to make the best of it? sucks, but i have worked so hard to change it, to feel different and nothing worked. so i just live in this state of no joy and accept it. i know this isnt the answer you are hoping for. i dont really have one. just know you arent alone.

[Frankbtl]

Hi neirin, sometimes it can help writing just to know you're not alone if nothing else. And there will be plenty of people on here who will relate to the way you're feeling
But for you........do you think it could have something to do with past experiences (which you need to/can work through with the right support); or with your life right now (maybe needing some changes) or just that feeling/lack of feeling in general.............??
And maybe depression??? Sometimes depression can show itself as an apathy, numbness, emptiness, disinterest, as if you're cut off emotionally from things around you/from your life.............?? Maybe something to consider??
But you know there can be ways to move on/further from the way you're feeling/not feeling, might as much be that you "just" need to find the right support in doing that. Do you have anyone you could talk to about it.........a friend, family member, doctor, T...........??
Even though you'll find plenty of support on here too!!

Alison

[Neirin]

I have two theories.
Either there is some part of my brain that is malfunctioning and therefore makes me unable to experience any meaningful emotions. Or it's a self-protection mechanism because maybe I wouldn't be able to deal with the negative stuff in my mind.
I was diagnosed with severe depression in 2012. I haven't been in treatment since. Stopped taking my antidepressants last year.
There is no one I could talk to or would want to talk to. I probably don't even care enough to do anything about it. I know that this isn't right and that I might at least feel a bit better with the right treatment but I can't make myself care enough.

[Frankbtl]

Hi Neirin, well it's significant enough to you to talk about some of what's going on for you on here, which is great, and a great start!!
And I know that whatever "sounds" right e.g. seeing a doctor, medication, talking to a counsellor/a T..........however right it theoretically is, can seem/feel completely meaningless when you're "stuck in that trap", or lacking any motivation or self interest........and it can be real hard to break out of that.
But you are challenging it you know, you are speaking up on here........so nothing "impossible", hey, just some more small steps to move you just a bit further forward??
Maybe seeing your doctor starting the/some antidepressants again?? Maybe an online hotline?? Where you could talk a bit more like you're doing here??
Because the way you're feeling/not feeling/not caring I'd say isn't a true reflection of you/isn't a choice.........but more a reflection of what's gone on for you, and the depression.......so if for no-one else then maybe try something for you, because you deserve it........just some small steps, whatever they are to help you, hey??
And of course we're still here to support you, so keep on talking, yes??

Alison

If you're walking through a black abyss you need only turn on the light. Finding joy or other emotions is a journey best taken with someone else. A therapist or friend. I'm rooting for you. Love and light

[sideblinded]

Neirin, let us know how you are doing. Please give us an update if you feel like it. ((hugs))

[Neirin]

Thanks for your support.

I don't know how I feel. Like **** probably. I just realised that there will be no classes until April, so there is nothing useful for me to do, nothing to keep these thoughts away. I can't even deal with being around other people atm because I know I will act like a complete asshole just to piss them off and make them stop caring about me. There is no point talking to anyone. It's always Why are you feeling this way? and that's something I definitely don't want to give anyone any details about. Always get so angry when I think about this and this is as difficult to deal with as feeling nothing.

[pegasus]

Hello Neirin,

This can be part of the depression symptoms. When things get overwhelming the brain will kind of shut down into what I call, 'Robot mode.' Feeling nothing and having no feelings but it is a way for the brain to cope at that particular time. Feelings can return but often there is anger to start off with, if this happens with you, you need to allow yourself to feel those feelings. Another possibility is that it is actually anxiety making you feel nothing as anxiety can mask all other feelings. Talking about it can help. You may need to go back to your doctor if your symptoms are getting worse.

Hey Neirin! Just a thought - maybe what you're experiencing is dissociation? It's something I've suffered from and can basically make you feel like you're completely devoid of feeling. It's basically a defence mechanism where part of your experience is cut off from your consciousness because it's too heavy or too much for you to deal with - or your mind believes it is.. Usually has to do with trauma and can be worked on with a trauma therapist. I've done it, it's not easy but it CAN be treated!

[Frankbtl]

Hi Neirin, I'm sorry you're struggling right now
But you know if you can't deal with being around other people.......there's no point in talking to anyone.........you can always hang with us. Maybe you'll feel a bit more "comfortable" talking about the details with us anonymously, but no pressure here, If you want to talk then that's fine, we're here for you, but you don't that's fine too.
And IRL.........sometimes it can be a bit much behaving "as expected" if you're having a hard time, or having people "probing"/having to fend them off...........so if you need a bit of space that's understandable. Just try not to cut them completely out, hey?? Maybe more limit your time with them, because like you said they do care.
And you know, if they care maybe some of them would be OK with a simple "explanation" that you "have a lot going on, feel "down", really don't feel like talking about it, but just need a bit of comany and to be doing something". I'll leave that thought with you though......
And while you've nothing to do.........is there anything particular you do/could do to "let off steam" or "escape"?? e.g. go for a walk, a run, to the gym, go to a swimming pool?? Anything??
And with classes starting in April..........just wondering if you could get hold of a syllabus (??)/what they'll be covering in the classes, so you could do a bit of reading ahead of time, get a "head start"????
And just a thought.......to keep you busy ............what about voluntary work??? I know the "people thing" might be tough, but I'm thinking more on the lines of helping out at e.g. a pet rescue center, if you have one anywhere near you. Animals are relaxing centering, "therapeutic"for some people. Still if not right now, maybe a thought for the future???
But anyway, again........if you want to talk we're here for you.

Alison

[Neirin]

I'm actually scared of feeling. Idk. I hate being like this but I'm scared of feeling. When I was in therapy it happened several times that I started crying really badly during a session and couldn't stop. I just couldn't stop, for hours. This is why it's not good when I'm feeling things.

Idk if it could be dissociation. I never talked about it to a professional. It's as if 99% of my emotions have been sucked out of me. As if my brain is no longer fully connected to my body. I know everything around me is real but it doesn't always feel like it. I find it difficult to leave the house sometimes because everything is strange. Things around me feel 'bigger' or 'smaller' than they actually are. They don't look any different but I can feel the difference. It makes me feel uneasy. I sometimes feel like I have blackouts but I don't. I'm suddenly startled and feel like I haven't been there for a long time but then I realise that time hasn't changed and I'm still in the same place. My sense of time is messed up anyway. I don't know what I've been doing this year. I can barely remember a thing I did in the last five weeks. I remember when someone mentions something or whatever but I cannot consciously remember if I try to. I don't know if that has anything to do with dissociation or if it's something different.

Idk what classes I will have before April, so I cannot really do anything... Doing something useful might be a really good idea in general but I don't feel like leaving the house much atm. I'd like to sleep. But that's difficult as well because it makes me to things I don't want to do.

[Joheishan]

Originally Posted by Neirin

I can't feel anything. Literally nothing. I'm not even sad or miserable... I wish I would at least feel some negative emotions but I don't. I'm thinking about self-harming again because pain is still better than nothing. But I don't think I actually care enough to actually do it.

I have no idea what the point of me writing here even is.
I want to get out of this nothingness.

Reminds me of the song 'One' by Metallica, that described exactly how I felt at times.

'I can't remember anything, can't tell or this is true or dream.
Deep down inside I feel a scream, this terrible silence stops with me'

The only thing that got me through was realizing that most of these feelings are chemical.
Matter controls mind.

I've spent about about 3 years of my life either feeling nothing (I've become so numb; Linkin Park) or being completely unhinged that the only thing that got me through was

Mind controls matter
Refuse to give in, spend (not waste) your time looking for your chemical balance and you WILL feel better...

[Frankbtl]

Hi Neirin, I can see why you might think it's dissociation, it's certainly got elements of that in there I think...........perhaps check out/put a thread in, the dissociation forum to get a bit more feedback.......but definitely talk to a professional about it too.
What's happening needn't be "scary", there is help out there, you're not going to be the only one to have these symptoms, and people have been helped..........just obviously we can't diagnose on here..........so please talk to someone professional about it.
Of course that's not to say you can't still get emotional support and maybe a bit of practical advise on here too of course.

Alison