Its gonna kill me

Almost everyday i wake up and feel intense pain in my chest because of the memories that appear in my mind. It also happens during the day, evening and night. Sometimes i distract myself, but most of the times i cant. Sometimes i cry and yell when nobody is around.
I've read a lot about how such permanent stress can cause cancer and other illnesses. It probably will happen to me and there is nothing i can do. Mindfulness isnt working. Nothing will erase my memory. Nothing will bring me closure. Time does not heal, its been 7 months already and the wound is still as fresh as new.
I cant imagine what will change in future, what should happen so those memories would stop bothering me so much. I probably will live like this for the rest of my life, which would be very short one. Does permanent stress really kills me people? If so, im doomed to very bitter end.

Yes, constant stress can be really bad for your health.

Have you tried therapy? It might be a good place to start. It's good that you are trying mindfulness. It can be a big help but you have to practice.

Perhaps you should try EMDR therapy. Find a therapist who has been trained and certified in the technique. It's very effective, especially for PTSD.

Alternatively you could explore regression hypnosis therapy. The hypnotist regresses you to the time where you first acquired the symptoms, and de-sensitizes you to the memory. Again, you must use a therapist who has been properly trained.

Either way, you can overcome this if you choose to.

Good luck!

I should have anticipated that everyone would talk about therapy. I cant afford right now. So what can i do other than that?

Memories of What?? What is causing all the Stress??

I am into my 60's, and still physically fine despite a lifetime of severe anxiety/depression/confusion/stress-------(am also working etc...)-----I recommend some positive stress-------exercise costs nothing, (walk, bike, stretch/do floor exercises), and go places that are free/cheap (exhibits, street fairs, talks, anything at all even if you don't think you will be interested)----listen to music (that feels good to you), dance around, and it is OK to yell and cry. Push yourself a bit (no, no fun at first, or second or...)--not easy but worth it. Draw, paint, play like a kid,
(I have been known to walk the streets at night stopping in playgrounds to get on a swing, a slide, flip over a bar...)---you might be able to find a "meetup" group near you that gets together to walk/talk/other----
I think the mindfulness can work, but it takes a long time sometimes, it is easy to give up...mix it up with something else...
And, do things that soothe you (could be a bath/lotion/blowing bubbles/walking dogs for the humane society...?)
You can do things------that is the part that is difficult, because it feels so hopeless, and yet, well, it isn't----and at times knowing that just sucks. (((((((((hug)))))))))

Countless memories of humiliation and betrayal that i felt during relationship with my ex-girlfriend and my ex-best friend. And there are a lot of memories, which should be considered as "good ones", but i feel intensive pain because of them as well.

This indicates, you may have been rubber banded into feelings from your childhood and growing up. This is why your mind is amplifying it all, and thus all the pain you are feeling. Investigate with a therapist your early childhood experiences. Rubber Banding is common when dealing with feelings around past and current relationships.

The other side of anxiety is depression. Live with anxiety for long enough and it will morph into depression.

Do you like walking or running? Either one is great and will help you convert stress into endorphins that will make you feel good. Any kind of physical activity.

Do something that makes you concentrate on something outside your own mind like gardening or wood work or needlework.....Any kind of hobby that takes the focus of what is inside your head. Painting?

If you like drawing (No talent needed at all for this to work) Get a pencil, pen any medium really, just get your emotions out onto the paper. I like using crayons because they feel good in my hand. You don't start of with any kind of picture. Sometimes just breath and let yours emotions be shown. It could be pages and pages of black scribble - If you are angry choose a color that expresses that. If you are sad (Blue or Grey) use them. Use what you want. No body is going to critique it. U can just draw shapes. I had a couple of art therapy lessons and it is amazing how we can express emotions this way.

Mine isnt art...... It looks infantile really, but sometimes it just makes me feel........

Be your own artist.

Hi Mefisto,

Sorry you're having a hard time, and that you're waking up in pain and having repeated memories you don't like. It sounds like you went through a lot of trauma, and you're reliving bad things that happened. It also sounds like you are worried a lot.

Seven months is really not that long a time after a major traumatic experience. It takes a long time to heal, and not everyone heals at the same pace. But I don't think you have to live like this for the rest of your life -- you can work on reducing stress and things will slowly get better.

If you can't afford a full price therapist right now, can you afford to go to a university or college where there are sliding scale therapists? Often these are psych grad students and their rates are far more affordable.

If even that is out of reach for you, and mindfulness meditations on your own aren't helping, maybe try finding a free support group (including reading and posting to the PTSD and perhaps grief threads here on PC) that meets in person that deals with the kind of challenges you're living with.

There is also a book I have which -- especially if you're creative -- might help: "Managing Traumatic Stress Through Art". It has exercises you can do, and includes drawing and writing exercises. Some people find this kind of work more effective than talk therapy. The book is $23 or so, but you might be able to also get it at a library somewhere and photocopy it or do the exercises by hand on separate paper.

In dealing with traumatic stuff, I have found that spending too much time alone often makes it worse, too. It's good to distract myself, and have a goal to spend a certain amount of time of doing something for someone else. It doesn't have to be big... it can be baking a pie and sharing it with a neighbor or chatting with someone online about their day and new TV shows. Something not even remotely related to what you have experienced, though, as you're trying to give yourself a mental health break from what triggers you.

I hope you find something that helps you.

I thought about painting myself, i'll try to do it. It definitely would be infantile as hell.

I found some psychologist that offers therapy for free. I will go to her next week and write here about it.
There are no free support group where i live.
I cant buy this book.
If you are right about being alone is destructive - im doomed. Im alone almost everyday. I have few friends, but we seldom have possibility to see each other. I have some online-friends, but online-friendship doesnt really help.
And about triggers, i still cant develop this mental block. Even the sunny weather triggers my memories because those events happened during the sunny weather.
I also started to hate spring because of those couples walking everywhere, they trigger me a lot.

That sounds promising. Maybe the psychologist can offer you referrals or give you ideas as to what to do that will help where you live -- ideas that I could not come up with for you. I hope it goes well!

Sorry to hear that. If that isn't possible, I think it's good that you've come here to PsychCentral and talk to people here who may be able to understand where you're coming from, offer support, and offer ideas.

I'm sorry to hear that. Still, you might be able to take it out at a library near you or get it through an interlibrary loan if your local library doesn't have it on hand.

Even if that specific book doesn't work for you or isn't easily obtained, it might be a good idea to check out what books are in the library near you on trauma, post-traumatic stress disorder, and how to reintegrate into life after a traumatic experience.

I wouldn't say you're doomed, but I would say that seeing people occasionally in person and distracting yourself -- even if distracting yourself doesn't have to deal with directly interacting with people in person -- can help take the edge off the anxiety that crops up around trauma.

I don't think you're doomed -- only that it may take you longer to heal without more of a support system and more distractions that get you engaged in life in a positive way. Having a therapist/psychologist help you, though, can be a major resource in helping you heal even if no one else around you is supportive.

I'm sorry you're having a difficult time with triggers including sunny weather. Has this made you more of a night owl, offhand?

I think talking to your therapist/psychologist about this may help. Also, there are resources and links I left in another thread for a veteran with PTSD which might help you:

"Check out "The Body Keeps The Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma" by Bessel Van Der Kolk, MD: The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma: Bessel van der Kolk MD: 9780670785933: Amazon.com: Books

I'd look at the Resources and Further Reading sections in the back of the book, too, as they are great sources for information. Some of those resources online are:

The Trauma Center at JRI
David Baldwin's Trauma Information Pages
Gift from Within: PTSD Resources for Survivors and Caregivers
There & Back Again (non-profit org that supports wellbeing of service-members -- its mission is to provide reintegration support services to combat veterans of all conflicts)
Sidran Foundation"

Good luck, and I hope some of what I've said is helpful in some way.