Suffocating grief..

Hi,

I'm in the process of grieving the parents I never had and whom I needed.. I'm not very good with these emotions, so thought I'd share them.. Pain shared is pain lessened

It's SO f'ing painful that I didn't have what I needed..!!!!!

Sorry.. I know it's not nice reading rants.. But gotta get this outta my system..

I feel like I can't breathe!!! I'm just so ANGRY, and SAD, and everything at the same time!!!!! I feel like I'm suffocating and there's nothing I can do about it..

But hoping posting this will help.. Thank you for reading could do with some hugs!

If I could give you a real life hug I would.

Thank you, SCP-122. That means a lot!

I feel depressed that my friends don't care I'm not doing well, but I'm so glad I have you people here!

Hello buddy, sorry that you are feeling not good. Ranting and venting is good, it helps get things of our shoulders.

I'm so sorry to hear about your grief.. it sounds extremely painful. I'm just asking this because I haven't seen anyone ask yet on this thread, but have you considered going/are you going to a therapist of some sort? Maybe that might help you sort out your feelings.

I know the feeling when you need something so much but can't get it. But one thing that i learned through time is that... "**** happens", but we shouldn't get hold onto that so much that we couldn't see our path of life which we're treading on. I know it's so damn hard, but believing in yourself, finding the right passion for you helps. This world is full of great people that i want to meet, great adventures that i wanna go on. Also a big hug helps everytime.....

Thank you all

Another thing is that I'm really not sure how to grieve! My friends tried to cheer me up whenever I was sad, which felt like they weren't respecting my grief but instead wanted to shove it under a rug.. I've let go of these people little by little, but it seems there's no one left now! So I'm thinking, maybe I am doing it wrong.. Maybe we're supposed to just try and be happy despite our grief..

Thank you for your insight, silent_runner! I feel I've never known/had my own path in life as I don't know who I truly am. I feel I developed a 'false self' as a child to survive the environment I was brought up in, losing myself in the process.. And the only way I could get myself 'back' would be if someone were to see me as I am, not how they want me to be. You know, when I'm sad or whatever, someone would see that and not try to get me to be anything else. But again, maybe it doesn't work like that at all..

This is a mindset I think I need to start adopting!

I never knew my father and my mother was physically and emotionally violent, so I (also) never had what I needed, so I understand the feelings. We cannot "fix" it so we have to find ways to help ourselves; I have found writing helps (I wrote a poetry book called, Sanctuary of the Soul (poems of anguish, healing, hope, comfort and celebration) as therapy for myself; none of us can change the pain we feel, but we can do things that make us feel better. Therapy could help. Writing a letter to those who were never there for you might help. Hugs, xo

P.S. I used the "ashes" of my life to win a scholarship at 60 and am a Sophomore at 68!!

I grew up in poverty (no phone, car, refrigerator, tub/shower) in a 120-year old tenement house, snow came in thru a crack in the wall, criminal type neighbors (1 who molested me), 1 drunken woman held my hand over an open fire, abusive mother, no father, etc., etc......joined the army right out of high school; married an abuser...31 years, divorce, abuse from a church.

I was determined to make something of my life; it is all about choices, and we all need to find our way in the world. I send love and hugs and HOPE...xo

Wow, nicoleflynn, you're an inspiration!! You've had it so much worse than me.. Yet you've never given up! I salute you Can I ask you what it is you're studying?

I've actually been thinking of starting a password-protected blog where I could pour my heart out about my pain..

Thank you for your honesty. It does help to hear you. I remember when I couldn't take the pain and anger. There is something to be said for being 50, I have been there quite a few times, and sometimes I remember that 'this too shall pass.' I like the idea that some things are just sad and they are never going to be made right and it's okay. I am never going to have a Mom or a Dad that can love me enough, they are too caught up in my Mom's alcoholism. I have lost my husband to his instability, his young mistress. I can be sad. Then I can go on.