[sinking]

...right now, at work, under my office desk. im at work alone, others left, i dont know where to go, what to do...

i'd normally use bad coping skills but i have no strenght left in me to do anything other than laying down and writing this hoping that talking will help a bit. im at the end of my rope, i cant take it anymore.

torn, twisted, wrenched inside, lost, confused, hurting, finding myself extremely disturbing and rotten....helpless, hopeless. i take meds, have docs and Ts. but i dont feel any of them can help me. asking for help to them threw me in this mode actually. there isnt any hope for me. i dont know whats wrong.... i AM wrong. indside.

please, help me... just a bit, i dont deserve it but just a bit, please.

[StormieKnight]

i hope i don't say the wrong thing, as i am struggling myself. but you aren't wrong inside. you aren't rotten or disturbing. you deserve life. you deserve to feel alive, instead of torn and twisted. please don't give up. our minds/voices lie to us. laying down and writing is a positive step, even if you are under a desk at work. bad coping skills just make us worse. i know you probably already know that. sometimes a reminder helps. i hate that you're at work. is there anyone you can talk to there? anyone you can call? have you considered inpatient? your treatment team want to help you. i know how hard it can be to open up and ask for help but i promise it is worth it. there are still things to experience and learn about life. places to see, food to eat, people to meet. i know you probably could care less now, but one day you will be glad you didn't give up. idk if i'm helping at all but i hate to see you in this much pain and get no response.

[cinnamonstick]

Originally Posted by sinking

...right now, at work, under my office desk. im at work alone, others left, i dont know where to go, what to do...

i'd normally use bad coping skills but i have no strenght left in me to do anything other than laying down and writing this hoping that talking will help a bit. im at the end of my rope, i cant take it anymore.

torn, twisted, wrenched inside, lost, confused, hurting, finding myself extremely disturbing and rotten....helpless, hopeless. i take meds, have docs and Ts. but i dont feel any of them can help me. asking for help to them threw me in this mode actually. there isnt any hope for me. i dont know whats wrong.... i AM wrong. indside.

please, help me... just a bit, i dont deserve it but just a bit, please.

While you are lying down. Just breath deeply. Try to Stop yelling at yourself
and think of one thing you absolutely love about yourself. Focus on something on the floor, think about where it came from, who made it, how it got there. Basically get out of your own head. You cant move forward if you are tearing down the bridge. You are worthwhile. We all are right. Even if it doesn't feel like it right now.

[winter4me]

You DO DESERVE IT!!!!!! As much as ANYONE!!!!
Hard to know at times like this. But, it could be progress to be lying under the desk (I have done like myself) instead of using bad coping skills. Give yourself a HUGE pat on the back for not using coping mechanisms that will harm you!!!!!
If you can, or can't, try drawing/scribbling/crying....running...something to let out some tension in a healthy way. Take care, hang in there.

[amandalouise]

if you were here in my location (USA) finding someone under a desk like this would result in someone calling 911 and the person taken to the ER for possible inpatient to the mental health unit.

I know that right now it might seen hard to do but only you can help yourself. only you can get your self out from under that desk and either back to work or clocked out to go home. otherwise you run the risk of being committed to a mental health unit... most jobs have standards for unresponsive or violent\suicidal employees now.

maybe you can call a friend who can meet you out in the parking lot of your work place to take you home or to a treatment provider for diagnosing and treating what ever is going on.

maybe you can call your treatment provider and let them know what is going on so that they can come and help you.

[Daphnelover]

i don't have a lot of advice for you.. in fact, i feel the exact same way most days. You are not alone in this. it sounds cliche, but i tell myself this a lot: as long as there is breath, there is HOPE! You are NOT wrong inside, you are struggling. You are worthy of love and affection. Please PM me if you need to talk. Lori

[sinking]

StormieKnight,
thanks, it was nice to read your answer. sorry you're struggling yourself, not feeling good enough to help, but i wish you the best. i have already contacted anyone i could think of that could help me. i open up in different ways with them accordingly to who they are and what they can do, but opening up so much is what caused me this turmoil, i guess. i have already tried being inpatient and thats exactly why im turning to here, to get some help to not end up there again. but thanks for taking me seriously, i often feel like i dont even exist or my feelings and thought dont exist, so its nice to feel validated when i do express hem. thank you.

Cinnamonstick, i actually fell asleep under that desk. i've been having worse insomnia for months and with all that im doing every day im physically and emotionally and psychologically exhausted. i got home, now im replying to you kind people who took the time to answer my post and then im going to bed hoping to sleep off the whole weekend. and more...

Winter4me, i just couldnt lift a finger anymore. i fell asleep not caring if anyone could have come and seen me sleeping on the floor while i was supposed to work. the only thing i want to do is sleep now. i tried to explain in my other post why i dont deserve help, but im still grateful to you all who are kindly and selflessly and unconditionally giving it to me. it moves me, thanks.

Daphnelover, sorry you too feel this bad most days too. its such a struggle. i rationally agree about hope but at the moment i cant see any for myself. thanks for your kindness and availability. i'll try to PM you tomorrow.

Wish you all the best, thanks for being so kind,
takecare you all, Love

[waggiedog]

Allo again dear ''sinking'' and I'm glad you've decided to post your message to us, we're here to help in any way we can.
Gosh, that's sounds awful, that the way you're feeling has made you sit alone under your desk. It certainly does NOT sound weird or strange to me because I've done very simillier things as yourself in the past. In fact it was fairly recently that I was depressed and just stayed in bed curled up in the featol position 23 hourse a day: It's kinda hiding from the world and being protected in your safe space.

Darling, you DO matter, you DO deserve a place in this world and don't ever let anyone tell you otherwise, OK??
I take it you got home alright, I'll be thinking of you and I'd like to follow how things are panning out.

Anyway, I will repeat it again just to be sure ~~ YOU DO HAVE A VALUED PLACE on this world.
LOVE and HUGS. XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

[sinking]

Thanks, i've slept 12+ hours with sleeping meds help. i was feeling better, then had an argument with parents.... small stupid stuff, but even that is enough for me to throw me into sui-mode. i'll go back to bed all day, letting the day flow, the time pass and hopefully its just a matter of waiting for this all to pass too.
thanks for being there.

[StormieKnight]

thank you so much. sometimes we need more than one inpatient stay, and that's okay. i know it sucks but it can help stabilize us at least. do you have a therapist? i have a ton of trouble opening up to anyone who isn't a professional because i feel like a burden. everyone deserves to be taken seriously and i know what it feels to be not. it sucks. feel free to PM me anytime you need to talk or be validated. sending you all of the good vibes.

[PianogirlPlays]

Wishing you well. Rest can really help. You are precious and worth it!

[sinking]

Amandalouise,
sorry, i think i didnt see your post because i was writing my answer at the same time and only now i read it. forgive me. hearing you say those things about my situation both worried me and relieved me. sometimes i feel its all in my mind and i make it all up. yes, i was laying down there under my desk and even fell asleep. i know had anyone seen me would have been worried or even mad at me. but in that moment i couldnt care less. i even heard the door open but i didnt move. thankfully nobody saw me. im taking this weekend to get myself a total rest from everything to get some energies back. i dont want docs to know whats happening. i'll probably only tell my good T in december when i see him.

StormieKnight, yes, i may need to go inpatient now but thats the worst thing i can imagine at the moment, so im doing all i can to not end up there. but its very stressing to keep pretending. i see therapists but im afraid of telling them the truth so i wont say this to any of them.

PianogirlPlays, thanks for your support too!

One more day of resting today. i hope it will be enough to keep me going next week. i'll see two different Ts: 1) tomorrow i see a T (for the first time) for a consult regarding my diagnosis (which nobody ever told me anything about) to make her give her opinion on my diagnosis to another T with which i work on a phobia only. and 2) on tuesday i see a T from mental health services that i've spoken to for no more than 5 times this year (and never before) to talk about meds and my old medical records (that i find completely wrong).

thanks for listening. i know probably nobody could care less because everyone here has their own issues, but thanks for talking with me and reading and answering, its helping a lot and i wish i could give you all something back. for now just a huge thank you! and wish you the best. Love

[lasttime]

Originally Posted by sinking

...right now, at work, under my office desk. im at work alone, others left, i dont know where to go, what to do...

i'd normally use bad coping skills but i have no strenght left in me to do anything other than laying down and writing this hoping that talking will help a bit. im at the end of my rope, i cant take it anymore.

torn, twisted, wrenched inside, lost, confused, hurting, finding myself extremely disturbing and rotten....helpless, hopeless. i take meds, have docs and Ts. but i dont feel any of them can help me. asking for help to them threw me in this mode actually. there isnt any hope for me. i dont know whats wrong.... i AM wrong. indside.

please, help me... just a bit, i dont deserve it but just a bit, please.

I am where you are, so all I can do is this:

[EDMLover]

You are not weird or crazy for sitting under your desk. I've done very similar things. Believe me, I know how it is.

I am also available if you ever want to PM me.

[sinking]

Thanks,
i relaxed and rested the whole weekend and it helped a lot. fixed a couple of things i needed to takecare of and im feeling much better and positive today. thank you for your support. wish you all the best, Love

[annoyedgrunt84]

If I had a dollar for every time I've wanted to just curl up in a ball under a desk, I wouldn't have to worry about working.