[sinking]

Something is wrong with me, really seriously wrong....
but i dont know why, how to explain it, what it is or maybe... EVERYTHING is wrong with me. and i dont know what to do with myself.
it feels like im going crazy, going to do something bad. i dont want that. i've already used every coping skill and helpful person i knew to help myself go through it. im at loss with what to do now. im only sinking and sinking in it. its not the way i wanted it to be. its all a mess, a mess i made and am still making and i cant get out of it. im messing up everything and everyone even if they dont even know it. my mind is twisting and swirling and im collapsing on myself.
some support please? please?

Okay... first a hug
Sounds like you have a lot of stress and anxiety for one thing. Has anything big happened recently?

[iwonderaboutstuff]

Oh gosh, sounds awful! Can you be more specific about the mess? it sounds like this isn't just about today, but stuff adding up, getting worse. With your mind all twisting and swirling are you sleeping? Maybe some over the counter drug to help get a halfway decent night sleep might be a good step one?

Oh boy, hard to give you advice with out knowing what is happening but in the meantime we CAN give you some support for the worry and anxiety.

Here's my suggestions:

I've mentioned rubbing something in your hand - I use a much loved rock but anything will do. Find a swatch of fabric even your favourite shoe. Feeling something between my hands and fingers actually helps me.

Yoga. It doesn't matter if you know the poses - make up your own. Stretch into a position and control your breathing; say 10-20 breaths each position

Visual. Try focusing on a single object for as long as you can. Look for and at each aspect of the object even using your imagination to see the unseen

These things help me when I am having an anxiety attack Hopefully they can help you.

[sinking]

Thanks, i dont feel anxious but everyone around me says i am, so i must be.
i just feel like a constant screaming in my mind and thoughts are agitated like in a tornado and im afraid my mask will fall down in an unwanted way and it terrifies me. i am losing all control and it freaks me out.
i dont know how to be more specific, sorry. but thanks for your help. knowing someone knows helps already. thanks a lot. and sorry for being this selfish.
thanks.

[iwonderaboutstuff]

Maybe something else to try would be learning something new. The idea being that if you're learning something new (like playing the guitar or something) you're so focused on that, it helps quiet the mind.

You're not being selfish for wanting help. People want to help.

[sinking]

Thanks but im out everyday 12+ hours a day (job+chosen course - hoping to find a better job) and no time for anything else than my bad thoughts.
im back to SH, drinking, bine eating and all that... and i dont know how to stop it.
i take meds, have have docs and Ts but dont feel any of them can really help me. and i dont want to be hospitalized again. actually thats exactly the problem. feeling like my mask is slowly falling apart and it terrifies me more than my plans. i only would like to get to it right now and free myself but there are some rules i have to respect and follow so i feel trapped and im afraid i wont be able to pretend for much longer. letting it all out is out of question.... just need to be strong a little longer. i dont know how much longer though...
please, help me being strong.

[detfan4life]

Originally Posted by sinking

Thanks but im out everyday 12+ hours a day (job+chosen course - hoping to find a better job) and no time for anything else than my bad thoughts.
im back to SH, drinking, bine eating and all that... and i dont know how to stop it.
i take meds, have have docs and Ts but dont feel any of them can really help me. and i dont want to be hospitalized again. actually thats exactly the problem. feeling like my mask is slowly falling apart and it terrifies me more than my plans. i only would like to get to it right now and free myself but there are some rules i have to respect and follow so i feel trapped and im afraid i wont be able to pretend for much longer. letting it all out is out of question.... just need to be strong a little longer. i dont know how much longer though...
please, help me being strong.

You can be strong--it sounds like you've been through some difficult times already, and you're going to get through this. You've already taken care of yourself by using coping skills and reaching out, even if it's not really helping.

Have you told your therapist and doctor how you feel right now? Is there something holding you back from saying it? I feel like maybe there's a sense that you don't deserve help, and if that's the case, I want to tell you that you deserve help, support, and love. If you're having trouble telling them, maybe you could bring in these posts that you've written to show them instead of saying it out loud?

If you have told them, what have they said? Are they suggesting hospitalization? Or are you just afraid of that as the worst option?

[Thunder Bow]

Do not let others tell you how you are feeling. Only you can know that. Trust your own feelings first. What kind of work or living situation are you in?

[winter4me]

You ARE strong, you are working 12hr and taking a class. Feeling the way you do this is a Major undertaking. I would suggest talking to the T and the pdoc re: meds/thier perception.
Could you toss in one hour of walking/cycling/gym/yoga/movie/total distraction a day? Half an hour?
It sounds very Normal for you to have anxiety, fears, etal given your current situation.
You are not in pieces. Remember that your internal experience is just that until you chose to share your feelings.

[winter4me]

You ARE strong, you are working 12hr and taking a class. Feeling the way you do this is a Major undertaking. I would suggest talking to the T and the pdoc re: meds/thier perception.
Could you toss in one hour of walking/cycling/gym/yoga/movie/total distraction a day? Half an hour?
It sounds very Normal for you to have anxiety, fears, etal given your current situation.
You are not in pieces. Remember that your internal experience is just that until you chose to share your feelings.

I can relate. Not just from long ago. But I recall falling apart once in front of then-husband, and his brother, screaming "THERE IS SOMETHING WRONG WITH ME AND I DON'T KNOW WHAT IT IS!!!!!!!!!!!!" even falling on the floor of the bathroom, door open, wild and...
(and I considered myself, prior, to be a calm, non-anxious, person....)
Anyway, I did go on to survive, even thrive from time to time, have a full career, kids, divorce, grandkid, .....still struggle at times but
it is Worth it all as time goes by............(though I sometimes need reminding)

[sinking]

Detfan4life,
thanks, you got the point: i do not deserve help. not real help to live anyway, just a little bit to survive... and thats my choice. but when i see that even that... surviving, i struggle with it, then i ask for help and its when i see that it all falls down to pieces and the help i get to have is the bare minimum (because of me probably) and i struggle so much to just live a second more. could be wrong but i have my reasons for doing it this way. which is why then i dont feel i can ask for help.... am i making any sense here?
Last time i saw my good T, i gave him TONS of material (taken from posts too), but we get to see each other only just before xmas (my choice, dont have money!). other docs and Ts are doing their best, their job, but its all in pieces.... so im getting what i want actually and even complain about it, but NOW... im just trying to survive.... not go crazy and get hospitalized because it happened before. i dont want that anymore.

Thunder Bow, im "working" (part time, horribly paid) and attending a course trying to get a better job (more money) just to survive in this case this too. living with parents, a couple of friends i dont feel like seeing anymore because im TOO tired.... only my 2 cats are the joy and highlight of my day. docs and t sessions are actually the only thing i care about right now.

Winter4me, i feel forced to do what im doing just to earn a little bit of money to survive. nothing i do gives me pleasure. i have doc and T on monday and tuesday. it could be helpful but actually its opening up to them that threw me in this mess and even though a part of me wants to see them, the other knows that theres nothing they can do to help me. I consider myself calm and non-anxious too!

anyway, thanks for talking with me, its helping me keeping my head out of the water and its a lot. not going grazy is a huge thing for me. thank you. i'll probably go to sleep soon. i wish i could sleep the wekend off or just about forever.... thanks all, takecare.
Love

[littleowl2006]

sinking, you are not selfish at all here. The others have said many good things already and I don't have to add much except for this.
Be gentle with yourself and lose that mask of yours - you are human and so is everybody else.
Big hug

[iwonderaboutstuff]

You mention meds - any recent changes there? If so, it might be a contributing factor.

Regarding self destructive behaviors, you know it's not helping, so cut it out! Yeah, yeah, easier said then done I know, but you'll up the odds of success if you keep the booze, bad foods, etc out of the house, put barriers in your way.

[sinking]

Thanks, im doing much better now, things are back on track, its all fine now

I am glad that you're much better now