Bothered by my husband fiddling with things

My husband has a habit of fiddling with his phone or any object near him. He turns it over and over and rubs the corners and I have spoken to him about this but I guess I have to see that he really is doing it unconsciously. Sometimes, I have felt like he was doing it to bug me and that really creates pain because that would be a really mean thing but he says no that he doesn't even realize that he is doing it. It is so hard for me to understand that someone could be doing all that with their hand and yet have no realization or control over it. I sometimes do things like pull on my hair or bite on my finger to try to control thoughts and pains but I sure know that I am doing it. I unfortunately have allowed this to get to me but that is because of the inner belief that he is doing this because it bothers me but a greater peace comes when I believe that these are not conscious moves but as I have read unconscious ways to relieve tensions, or stimulate the senses. It is distracting to me when we are trying to watch tv together and there he is just fiddling and fiddling. I have tried stopping him but not much works. I haven't been watching much tv with him thinking it would be less painful but it is lonesome and devisive. I wish I could just accept it and remember he is just doing it to do it.

It could be an compulsory type of behavior brought on by OCD.

How willing is he to try to reduce or stop this behavior?

I really doubt one would fiddle with things to get on their spouses nerves. If that's the case then you have bigger problem in your marriage than him fiddling.

My fiancée has OCD and tourettes. Over the course of his life he was accused of doing it on purpose. To aggravate others or to get attention. His own family referred to things he does as "annoying" even if it is obviously couldn't be completely controlled ( he controls some of it and Meds take edge off but it cannot be completely gone). It's kind of heart breaking.

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He says he is willing but just does it again. I keep trying to change my feelings about it and so far it is not going too well. I may be in trouble because of my past history. My father and mother.were violent and sometimes scary and mother suffered from dimentia in her latter years. I think any strange behavior is hard for me to deal with and this is strange and scary to me. I have expressed these feelings but still he does that in front of me. He says it is not deliberate but sometimes it feels very pointed. He is caring in other ways and has always been somewhat of a fiddler this is just more but it is really effecting me. It is effecting my well being.

I did try to reply to this but it didn't seem to register. I appreciate what you are saying. It may indeed be as innocent as that.

If he is willing to try to change, I wonder if he would be willing to speak to a therapist so as to develop a program for self-understanding and change?

And/or:

I wonder if you yourself would be willing to speak to a therapist so as to learn ways to understand and cope?

i agree with everyone especially Bill3

He is 5yo in his mind. This means you are going to be dealing with isolation being around him, other issues tied to his immaturity. Lower your expectations of him. Seek some counseling for yourself at least.

I want to be supportive but there are worse things to be upset about in a relationship

Same as rcat I really want to be supportive but having hard time understanding the issue. How can fiddling effect your well being. I also don't understand how fiddling with things is sign of immaturity. If it bothers you when you two watch tv then reposition yourself so you two aren't facing each other. How much tv do people really watch that it could be that detrimental to ones well being? I am really lost with this. Is this a new marriage?

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Ever watch how a child will constantly "fiddle" with something? It is a form of adaptive behavour.

I used to do this a lot - my wife tasered me last December. I have not fiddled since.

I am a special Ed teacher with over 20 years experience so clearly I saw things and clearly not much shocks me.

Lol sorry i almost spit my food out

I think if someone's well being is effected by others persons fiddling then there is an issue. The issue might but be actual fiddling or whatever other things happening

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Any way that your parents tried to stop this behavior in you when you were little? If so, then it seems to me that you would naturally be upset by that same behavior and it would bring up distressful childhood feelings (that you may not be aware of). Just a thought and I'm not a professional. Good luck and big hug.

I know someone who fiddles with everything. He is a little of a weirdo, similar to me, although he fiddles a lot more. He picks at things so bad at times that he breaks them. I think he has ADD but otherwise he is quite high functioning. And does he know he does this? Nope. I think he needs to to release his inner energy. For him it is more than than just a habit. I once gave him a stress ball and he had never seen them and while he was wildly squeezing it he asked me what it is for. I told him he was doing it right. He said HUH? I said what you're doing is what it is for. He looked very puzzled for seconds while he processed everything. Then he realized he was squeezing the ball. That is how bad he was unaware of his fiddling. LOL.

Immature people usually carry these behavior patterns over from childhood into adulthood.

Just curious, what do you mean by immature?

Many people have OCD, GAD, ASD, ADHD, tourettes etc labeling them and their fiddling as immature is maybe kind of sign of immaturity all in itself

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A kid I know made a necklace with all different plastic beads, different shapes and colors. I had to put it away because it was too inviting to "fiddle" with. It became the ultimate stim toy. Some objects are like that. I'm not much for stimming but some stuff has to be touched. Every bead different, felt different looked different. And if you stretched the string you could spin beads separately, LOL.

And yea, I have aspergers so...

As for being immature altogether, not so much.

Yes, I have and it is helpful!

Thankfully yes I do!

Indeed there are lots of problems here.