I don't remember being depressed with no reason. I get depressed because of my social isolation and the continuous failure to socialize and having stable relationships. I get depressed when others don't give me their attention because I cannot attract their attentions. But when I get depressed over social life, trying to socialize becomes harder. I'm still forcing myself to get out there, and try to talk to people. At first I will be filled of energy and hope, but every single time I go out to socialize I end up at home wanting to cry. My motivation to socialize is diminishing.

All my classmates from school are married and have children, cars, homes, ... etc, and I still cannot socialize or having a stable life. I chose to pursue my education and immigrate to have a better life, yet I've reaped loneliness and sadness instead. I'm not a fatalist, but it appears as if I'm destined to be alone and miserable. It's easy to say I'm the one who puts myself in this situation, and I know I have to change, but it's not happening.

Most people who come here to present their problems come for a short time and go. That's what I've noticed. The people who are active all the time are trying to help those who come for their problems, and maybe occasionally present some challenges they face, yet it seems that I'm the only one who keeps talking about his problems. I no longer have the motivation to try to help others because I cannot help myself. I wish this can be stopped.

Probably it's getting boring to hear this again. I'm bored with the same thoughts myself. I'm not asking for suggestions. No feedback is necessary. Thanks for reading.

[Nimportequoi]

Sorry for replying, but I cannot choke myself to ask... what is your problem? I have AvPD so I can relate to being socially isolated.

[cinnamonstick]

Honestly people often leave this site because they are distracted not healed.
Your statement "I'm not asking for suggestions " automatically pushes people away.
I can't read about someone who is struggling and just walk away. I have a few ideas, if you are up for interaction, just reach out for me.
Hugs

Originally Posted by Nimportequoi

Sorry for replying, but I cannot choke myself to ask... what is your problem? I have AvPD so I can relate to being socially isolated.

I'm not sure exactly, as I haven't been diagnosed formally with anything, except some suspicions about anxiety while I was visiting a psychiatrist for a possible ADHD. At the time, I mentioned my social problem to the psychiatrist, but he ignored it as something not related to my failing to concentrate. But I think there is a connection: I feel depressed because of my rusted social skills because of my social anxiety (I also have anxiety in general, so may be I have GAD), and my depression probably contributes to my short term memory. I also suspect I have Asperger's syndrome because I fail to assess the social situations correctly, and thus fail to react appropriately.

I can't even look at people in the eyes, not just I cannot initiating a conversation with them, regardless if they were males or females. I go out to interact with people, but I guess I appear as if I'm not interested because I don't know other ways how to sit in public without looking like a creep. I just cannot make the first move and initiate conversations with people (there something strong that holds me back; fear of rejection and fear of making fool of myself), and obviously people don't initiate conversations with me. I've tried meetup groups, but it's not different. People expect me to talk and interact. I just sit down and isolate myself and no one cares. I'm more relaxed in formal and structured settings, especially if I have to be there, like to present my work. Otherwise, I skip them if I can.

I mentioned that I live in a different country than my home country, where the culture and language are different, and even thought my language is very good, but still I'm very self-conscious about it.

All these things contribute to my social isolation.

Originally Posted by cinnamonstick

Honestly people often leave this site because they are distracted not healed.
Your statement "I'm not asking for suggestions " automatically pushes people away.
I can't read about someone who is struggling and just walk away. I have a few ideas, if you are up for interaction, just reach out for me.
Hugs

I didn't say they're "healed", but obviously, something draws the majority away from these forums after they present their problems, which is something I lack, obviously. I said I'm not asking for suggestions, because people made many suggestions in the past, and nothing has changed. I know what I need to do, I just cannot do it. It's like I know if I press a button, something different will happen, yet I cannot push the button. My post was more of a vent, because I'm so angry and depressed at the same time right now, and I didn't know what to do other than writing about how I feel and why. Said that, I'm open to suggestions.

Well you need to start with your doctor. He/she will get the ball rolling regarding referrals and eventual diagnosis. I think this is really important.

Originally Posted by rcat

Well you need to start with your doctor. He/she will get the ball rolling regarding referrals and eventual diagnosis. I think this is really important.

Why is it important?

[emijec]

Originally Posted by Wandering Soul

I don't remember being depressed with no reason. I get depressed because of my social isolation and the continuous failure to socialize and having stable relationships. I get depressed when others don't give me their attention because I cannot attract their attentions. But when I get depressed over social life, trying to socialize becomes harder. I'm still forcing myself to get out there, and try to talk to people. At first I will be filled of energy and hope, but every single time I go out to socialize I end up at home wanting to cry. My motivation to socialize is diminishing.

All my classmates from school are married and have children, cars, homes, ... etc, and I still cannot socialize or having a stable life. I chose to pursue my education and immigrate to have a better life, yet I've reaped loneliness and sadness instead. I'm not a fatalist, but it appears as if I'm destined to be alone and miserable. It's easy to say I'm the one who puts myself in this situation, and I know I have to change, but it's not happening.

Most people who come here to present their problems come for a short time and go. That's what I've noticed. The people who are active all the time are trying to help those who come for their problems, and maybe occasionally present some challenges they face, yet it seems that I'm the only one who keeps talking about his problems. I no longer have the motivation to try to help others because I cannot help myself. I wish this can be stopped.

Probably it's getting boring to hear this again. I'm bored with the same thoughts myself. I'm not asking for suggestions. No feedback is necessary. Thanks for reading.

sorry to hear about what you're going through. I've been going through the same for about 1.5 years. I don't know if it's our sad realization or depression. I think it's both . it is hard to meet people especially when people your age or my age are in ther family life stage. who's left????

I feel more alone than ever. just seeing people my age with kids. it's the worst thing.

I hope the best for you . I hope things get better for all of us.

[divine1966]

I think (and I said before) that you do need to see a professional. Doctor/ therapist/ psychiatrist etc we can try to help only up to the point. Having such extreme difficulty connecting to people tells me that it's something that requires some work or perhaps some medical advise or at least therapy. It sounds more than having a bit of difficulty. No one needs to be that depressed and not try something a bit more.

You are not boring as you are clearly suffering but I do think you need to get some help beyond what we can provide

I am not saying we won't help you but I feel you need more in addition

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[Thunder Bow]

After reading all this, and your replies, it seems you are looking for ways to feel bad about yourself. You are even fishing here, to get others to say things to you, that will help you feel bad about yourself. Going by the fact you are in a strange country, and doing well, and dealing with all the challenges involved, I would would say you got much to be proud of. I do not consider you to be "socially isolated". You are doing quite well.

Originally Posted by Thunder Bow

After reading all this, and your replies, it seems you are looking for ways to feel bad about yourself. You are even fishing here, to get others to say things to you, that will help you feel bad about yourself. Going by the fact you are in a strange country, and doing well, and dealing with all the challenges involved, I would would say you got much to be proud of. I do not consider you to be "socially isolated". You are doing quite well.

I'm not sure why I'm writing here. I just feel the need to express my feelings. I don't write in a journal. I could keep it to myself and that would make no difference in reality. But I feel relieved when I write something. I'm doing well in some aspects; job and education wise. But my social life is a disaster. I just feel education and job without social life aren't something good in themselves. I'm basically surviving in my life, not living it. What is socially isolated for you? For me when you have no one to talk to in your life, your working day consists of going from home to work and from work to home and speak to no one at work, and when you spend your weekend at home (probably on this site) alone.

Hi Wandering Soul, don't feel bad about posting, we're all here because we have challenges and they don't often resolve quickly. I myself felt an old thought pattern emerging recently and went through my old threads and read the replies, they helped me again almost a year later.

Going on to your social challenges. May I ask what kind of socialising you have been trying? The reason I ask this is because I know myself I find some situations more difficult than others.

Originally Posted by prefabsprout

Hi Wandering Soul, don't feel bad about posting, we're all here because we have challenges and they don't often resolve quickly. I myself felt an old thought pattern emerging recently and went through my old threads and read the replies, they helped me again almost a year later.

Going on to your social challenges. May I ask what kind of socialising you have been trying? The reason I ask this is because I know myself I find some situations more difficult than others.

I've been trying two meetup groups. Actually now it's just one, and I'll try a new one. The one I stopped going to was a language meetup. I'm not interested in language in itself. I have the capacity to learn by myself. The other one is more random, where people from different countries/languages meet to exchange talks in different languages casually without any rules, or being with a fixed person all the time. At first, I was more outgoing and initiate talks, but after two meetings I began to withdraw and isolate myself; I became self-conscious as usual. For example, last time, I went early on and talked with someone who came early as well, and we talked for a while. But then we separated. When we separated I walked around to find another group to talk to, and I just couldn't do it. In my mind I saw it as an intrusion, even though people do it all the time. So, I stood some where, and began looking at my phone for 15-20 mins, and then I just left. I try to go to coffee shops to be around people, but no talks happen, let alone random talks with random people at the street or public transportation. When I want to talk with someone, many thoughts are activated in my mind that make me anxious, and sometimes shaking, even if I'm conscious that what I'm thinking is most likely not valid if I try. My past experience with talking to people isn't good, and this reinforces the idea that I'm socially inept, and makes it harder for me to socialize.

Have you ever tried a board game meet up? I mean, if you like board games at all. Then there's no pressure to start a conversation outside of the game, although it could happen. I would go back to my local one if there wasn't pressure for a time commitment and if I felt that I personally could create deeper friendships/had more time, but they're more effective for people who struggle with starting conversation in my opinion.

As for talking to random people on the street, on the bus, etc., I've noticed (and it could just be where I live) that people will randomly strike up a conversation with me solely because I'm carrying an instrument or because my hair is uniquely colored. It just seems that if you want random people to talk to you, you have to look interesting enough.

The only times I've been able to develop anything deeper than random people coming up to me was through school, a greek organization I belong to (except I don't really fit in anymore), and through work as a gigging musician. You play a gig and you drink/eat together, that sort of thing. I really don't know how people bond enough to have friends, let alone best friends (unless it's a romantic relationship and chemistry helped that along). Hopefully someone here can explain it for both of our sakes.

[divine1966]

Sign up for a class. Any class. Don't have to be good. Fun class not for a degree. One of my good friends I've met in class long time ago. Yoga class? Anything in a community center.

Also consider changing your job. Sorry but having no one to talk to at work would depress me to no end. If you have good education you can start searching for more engaging job. Or get a part time job on a weekend just for fun. In a store? Selling something cool?

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[Onward2wards]

Hi Wandering Soul. I'm just chiming in to say I can relate. I have some of the same problems you are describing.

Originally Posted by Wandering Soul

I've been trying two meetup groups. Actually now it's just one, and I'll try a new one. The one I stopped going to was a language meetup. I'm not interested in language in itself. I have the capacity to learn by myself. The other one is more random, where people from different countries/languages meet to exchange talks in different languages casually without any rules, or being with a fixed person all the time. At first, I was more outgoing and initiate talks, but after two meetings I began to withdraw and isolate myself; I became self-conscious as usual. For example, last time, I went early on and talked with someone who came early as well, and we talked for a while. But then we separated. When we separated I walked around to find another group to talk to, and I just couldn't do it. In my mind I saw it as an intrusion, even though people do it all the time. So, I stood some where, and began looking at my phone for 15-20 mins, and then I just left. I try to go to coffee shops to be around people, but no talks happen, let alone random talks with random people at the street or public transportation. When I want to talk with someone, many thoughts are activated in my mind that make me anxious, and sometimes shaking, even if I'm conscious that what I'm thinking is most likely not valid if I try. My past experience with talking to people isn't good, and this reinforces the idea that I'm socially inept, and makes it harder for me to socialize.

So it seems the Meet up groups you have tried have been very much conversational ones, well let me tell you that would stress me out - kudos for putting yourself out of your comfort zone like that.

I'm not going to comment on what would make you feel as you describe in social situations (it's not for me to diagnose) except to say that I myself identify as tending to introversion, which means that in a larger group with lots of conversations going on I feel overwhelmed. Sometimes in my life it's necessary to be in situations like this (parties for example), but I do not seek them out because I do not thrive in that environment - I usually need recovery afterwards, lots of quiet and solitude.

But like you I do need companionship and friendship, and like you I didn't have enough of that in my life a few years back. It pained me, I went through umpteen different attempts to broaden my social circle with mixed results - often like yourself I would end up feeling uncomfortable and awkward, like I didn't fit.

What ultimately worked for me was a mixture of volunteering and sports, both of these are very much activity based - conversation is incidental, but that means there's no pressure to 'strike up' or perform. I was just doing what I was doing, around others, enjoying it, and if I met nice like-minded people along the way that was a bonus. After a few years I had come across some really great people, eventually I made some of the best friends of my life and lots of other people who I know on a more superficial basis.

Of course my self-esteem is still a little dented from my past and I often wonder why these wonderful people want to be my friend, but that's another thread.

Hope somewhere in all of this there is something that can help you, feel free to message me if you want any clarification or just moral support.

[rachel_]

Moving to a new country with a different language is something to be very proud of. The nearest I got to that was moving from Alabama to Arizona here in the USA, and that was a bit of a culture shock for me! Do you have any hobbies at all? If you enjoy reading, there are sometimes book clubs or if you knit or crochet, for example, there are sometimes groups for that, just to think of two things. I have dealt with fairly severe social anxiety myself, and the only thing that seemed to help me was to go out among people and practice my social skills. I'm not cured, but I am definitely 80% better than I was a year ago. Try small steps at first and don't get discouraged with yourself.

(Adding a second vote for volunteering. It gets you out of your own mind and working for a common goal with other people.)

[Lifeistoopainful]

I know how horrible it feels. I myself struggle a lot socializing : ( always been a loner and an outcast for my own lackings :'(

[TishaBuv]

It's time to go to the doctor about this. If you broke your arm, wouldn't you go get it set properly? You may have some condition that can greatly improve with the right meds, or at least talk therapy.

There's another thing you do that causes you grief that I've noticed. You disagree with people. People don't like that. It puts them off. It only makes conflict. I'd recommend to try to stop doing that in social situations. I don't do it. If someone says something I disagree with, I mostly just don't react. No conflict.

You have made friends here, even though you don't want to believe that. When people get to know you, they care about you, flaws and all.

[TishaBuv]

Originally Posted by TishaBuv

It's time to go to the doctor about this. If you broke your arm, wouldn't you go get it set properly? You may have some condition that can greatly improve with the right meds, or at least talk therapy.

There's another thing you do that causes you grief that I've noticed. You disagree with people. People don't like that. It puts them off. It only makes conflict. I'd recommend to try to stop doing that in social situations. I don't do it. If someone says something I disagree with, I mostly just don't react. No conflict.

You have made friends here, even though you don't want to believe that. When people get to know you, they care about you, flaws and all.

My husband's friend has a funny saying: "When people tell me something stupid or lying, I used to say 'That's BS!'. Now I say 'That's incredible!' And they like me much better."

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by TishaBuv

It's time to go to the doctor about this. If you broke your arm, wouldn't you go get it set properly? You may have some condition that can greatly improve with the right meds, or at least talk therapy.

There's another thing you do that causes you grief that I've noticed. You disagree with people. People don't like that. It puts them off. It only makes conflict. I'd recommend to try to stop doing that in social situations. I don't do it. If someone says something I disagree with, I mostly just don't react. No conflict.

You have made friends here, even though you don't want to believe that. When people get to know you, they care about you, flaws and all.

I noticed about disagreeing too. Well we all do. But some do it more than others. If that's the case in real life then it would chase people away. Same as negativity would. I call it doom and gloom attitude. People would stir away. Life is hard as it is without making it sound worse. ( I don't mean legitimate complains about legitimate concern one has or one asks for help, that's different )

I do agree with Trisha that you made friends on here as we clearly are rooting for you so then it's doable in real life. But yeah I'd definitely see a doc or a t. Kind of ASAP.

I don't think changing groups or activities will change anything. I think I have a sense of inferiority which affects my self esteem in every thing I do. I feel that I'm not an interesting person. I don't have hobbies, don't play music, don't know the culture and areas where I live in, ... etc. Disagreeing with people has noting to do with it. I tend to speak about serious topics, though. That's maybe something boring to most people. But overall, it's a challenge to initiate a conversation and fit myself among people smoothly.

[divine1966]

. Serious talk isn't boring for most people, intelligent people I mean . And most intelligent people with inquisitive minds do talk about serious things with their significant others, family or friends. What do you think people talk about to each other? Of course if you bring these topics up with intent to demonstrate that you know more than others or in order to argue , then no one will find it attractive, but I don't see why you think serious talk is boring. Unless maybe in bed lol

Low self esteem could be addressed in therapy.

You can also try to develop hobbies. If not hobbies then some interests. I am tune deaf . Although it's annoying limitation for me, it's not something that's required. No need to play instruments. Why don't you try to learn about local culture? How long have you been living there? Do you intend to stay?

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Originally Posted by divine1966

. Serious talk isn't boring for most people, intelligent people I mean . And most intelligent people with inquisitive minds do talk about serious things with their significant others, family or friends. What do you think people talk about to each other? Of course if you bring these topics up with intent to demonstrate that you know more than others or in order to argue , then no one will find it attractive, but I don't see why you think serious talk is boring. Unless maybe in bed lol

Low self esteem could be addressed in therapy.

You can also try to develop hobbies. If not hobbies then some interests. I am tune deaf . Although it's annoying limitation for me, it's not something that's required. No need to play instruments. Why don't you try to learn about local culture? How long have you been living there? Do you intend to stay?

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Make me a favor and don't comment on any of my posts, on this thread and every where else.