I just went out since I was in front of the screen since early morning. But since it is nice outside, many people are in the streets, and the sheer presence of people in the streets and their voices and laughs overwhelmed me, that I couldn't look at anyone, and I was walking fast just to finish my walk around the neighborhood. I wish I know how to be normal around people and not to be so anxious and stressed!!

[Thunder Bow]

You were "Normal" take another walk when it is time, and enjoy it. Walk as fast as you like.

Wandering you are normal, be yourself. Enjoy the outdoors minus the farmers fertilizer (snow) and just have fun... blessings

I walk fast because I want to escape, not because I'm doing sport. I cannot look at people's faces. I am always afraid of being judged. So, I don't know where to look, and my perception of myself is that I'm an awkward person in the eyes of others.

[Thunder Bow]

Go ahead and walk fast to escape. Feelings of being judged probably came from your childhood. Who cares if you are awkward. Be as awkward as you like. Therapy will help you escape those feelings of being judged, by examining what was said to you when you were little.

I know that this because of my parents. They were very critical, especially my father (he still is). What do you mean by who cares if I am awkward? Who would want to talk and be around an awkward person like me? There is a reason why I prefer to spend my time alone.

[Finniky]

I am the same way. Cannot be around people outdoors when I am alone, and it still makes me uncomfortable even when I am with someone.

My walks involve not leaving until the other people in my apartment are all inside, and turning on streets with no people. When I do have to pass by someone, I also walk faster, head down or turned away.

Last time I tried to briefly stare at some people to put my toes in the water.. heart about fell out my chest.

I fear I look awkward and out of place too. I get anxiety about that. Then I feel like my anxious, weird energy that results is also obvious, and then I get twice as anxious.

Originally Posted by Wandering Soul

I know that this because of my parents. They were very critical, especially my father (he still is). What do you mean by who cares if I am awkward? Who would want to talk and be around an awkward person like me? There is a reason why I prefer to spend my time alone.

(((Wandering Soul)))

Lots of people would want to be around someone like you!

Having experienced social awkwardness myself (which spiralled because of isolation, and fed into a big old whammo depression) I totally 'get' your description of your walk.

It was something I really had to work on, because deep down I needed social contact if not friends, and I actually liked people (well many of them anyway!) just got overwhelmed in some social situations.

What I found easiest, and still do, was small groups or one to one conversations. There is just so much outside stimulation in a larger group situation for me (I can handle this better now but still prefer smaller groups), so many conversations/agendas/personalities - I just can't keep track of it all.

Going back to you WS, and feeling judged, I think there are many people out there who would understand this and like you for who you are. One of my closest friends is a person who has had similar SA, and it's because we 'get' each other as we do that we are such good friends - we both had to work at that. There are so many different kinds of people out there, there will be people who understand your struggles.

I found this online article you might find helpful:

How to Recover from a Critical Parent ? The Confident Man Project

Originally Posted by prefabsprout

(((Wandering Soul)))

Lots of people would want to be around someone like you!

Having experienced social awkwardness myself (which spiralled because of isolation, and fed into a big old whammo depression) I totally 'get' your description of your walk.

It was something I really had to work on, because deep down I needed social contact if not friends, and I actually liked people (well many of them anyway!) just got overwhelmed in some social situations.

What I found easiest, and still do, was small groups or one to one conversations. There is just so much outside stimulation in a larger group situation for me (I can handle this better now but still prefer smaller groups), so many conversations/agendas/personalities - I just can't keep track of it all.

Going back to you WS, and feeling judged, I think there are many people out there who would understand this and like you for who you are. One of my closest friends is a person who has had similar SA, and it's because we 'get' each other as we do that we are such good friends - we both had to work at that. There are so many different kinds of people out there, there will be people who understand your struggles.

Thank you very much. Your input is always highly appreciated.

Actually, yes, I prefer one to one conversations, but to find this one you need to mingle with larger groups. I tried meetup but didn't work. But this isn't my issue here. I know I said something like "who would want to be around me?", but I'm really getting used to be alone and and to loneliness. But why I still feel anxious even without talking to people? Just being around them makes me so anxious. I just wish I can enjoy a walk alone in a nice street or park without this overwhelmed feeling.

Thanks for the article, I will try to read it. But what happens is automatic, and I cannot control it or even realize it until I passed the "dangerous" situation and my mind becomes clear.

[Thunder Bow]

An awkward person would be interesting to walk with. I would rather be around you than with Donald Trump.

Originally Posted by Wandering Soul

Thank you very much. Your input is always highly appreciated.

Actually, yes, I prefer one to one conversations, but to find this one you need to mingle with larger groups. I tried meetup but didn't work. But this isn't my issue here. I know I said something like "who would want to be around me?", but I'm really getting used to be alone and and to loneliness. But why I still feel anxious even without talking to people? Just being around them makes me so anxious. I just wish I can enjoy a walk alone in a nice street or park without this overwhelmed feeling.

Thanks for the article, I will try to read it. But what happens is automatic, and I cannot control it or even realize it until I passed the "dangerous" situation and my mind becomes clear.

I think if we have been used to our own company the sudden hustle bustle around us can be intimidating and anxious making.

I always feel my own anxiety (it's better controlled these days but is still something I experience) is what I call 'an excessive risk assessment' - like my brain is over-primed to spot danger. I notice you called the situation "dangerous".

Do you have any coping strategies or things you tell yourself when in this situation?

Originally Posted by prefabsprout

I think if we have been used to our own company the sudden hustle bustle around us can be intimidating and anxious making.

I always feel my own anxiety (it's better controlled these days but is still something I experience) is what I call 'an excessive risk assessment' - like my brain is over-primed to spot danger. I notice you called the situation "dangerous".

Do you have any coping strategies or things you tell yourself when in this situation?

Not really. I don't have strategies. I called it "dangerous", because it seems as if my brain interprets the situation as really dangerous, and thus anxiety kicks in. As I said, when I'm in a such state, I cannot assess the situation. My conscious mind shuts down, and the fear response takes control

My anxiety about encountering people (on the street, grocery store, etc) that I walked and ran my errands at 6am and earlier. Under the instructions of my therapist I began doing so a half hour later each week until I was able to do so without super anxiety at the high point of the day.

Could this perhaps work for you?

[pppp3]

Be an "actress" like me.
In other words, when you don't feel confident, comfortable, and feel threatened (severely anxious) by "how others are judging you",
which causes intense fears, discomfort, leading to social isolation...

1. First, clean yourself up so you "look the best you can be",
(for me that means putting on make-up and earrings, ironing my clothes etc.
(Btw, when I don't force myself to do those extra stupid vain things, people always say I look ok, but I only feel I'm "at my best", when I do, which increases my confidence.

2. Most important: Remind yourself, those people walking by
WHO LOOK SO CONFIDENT, HAPPY, RELAXED, ATTRACTIVE AND IN CONTROL,
deep down, inside, [B]likely feel exactly like you[/B] (scared, anxious, self-defeated, out-of-place, discouraged, ugly, self conscious and maybe even panicky...

3. Before putting on your "actress face", before going outside (or any place where there's other people "watching" you)...
Decide/choose (details) of WHO you are portraying...
IDK, who you might want to be (other than yourself),
but imagine somebody your really, really like (all the characteristics of how they would look and feel),
AND PRETEND TO BE THAT PERSON...

For me that's easy,
because I'm always "acting" "pretending" to be
the person I was, before my life fell apart (years ago).
That person= A successful confident attractive intelligent kind
mother and career woman who loves (enjoys) life and other people.

---I'm NOT that person anymore

BUT when I'm in "public" I try my best to pretend to be. (It's an act, worthy of an academy award-LOL).

...I must put on my "actress" face to even slightly pretend to be that public image I want others to see...

I liked that person (I was), I respected that person, and when I was that person (internally happy and confident) I had no concerns or anxiety, whatsoever,
about what others were thinking (about me)--
I actually really didn't even care/think about what strangers thought about me.
Those were the days (when I could be in public without any qualms),
but those days are long gone

So,
NOW (about 1 year) since being ridden with severe depression and anxiety,
I MUST be an ACTRESS to be around others.

Trust me, it works

And although it is a bit time-consuming gearing myself up to leave the house, with my "actress-face" on,
I ALWAYS FEEL MUCH BETTER WHEN I RETURN.

In other words, "social isolation" and being alone, often only supports our DISTORTED negative image of ourselves.

If I was in your path
(I'm probably not, but rather hundreds or thousands of miles away)
I (would) want to meet you, I (wound) want to talk to you, I (would) embrace your imperfections, BECAUSE "perfect confident people" are boring. And you are not.
READING YOUR POST, I KNOW
You are unique and special, and it's your (best qualities + imperfections that make you that way).
Again "being perfect" is really dull.

"Look" the best you can be,
(smile mandatory, even if it is a fake one...Or at the very least put on an inviting relaxed expression),
And Get OUT there! LOL.

The world needs YOU!!!!,
(more than your anxiety needs yourself isolated).
GOOD LUCK.

I hope some day, me, you and others (with social anxiety) heal,
but until then IT IS MANDATORY and LIFE SUSTAINING,
to do whatever it takes (E.g. Be an actress/actor) to participate in life.

[pppp3]

Summary of "My too long post" below:
Since I now am freaked out (severely anxious/panic attack) when outside,
(anywhere, where others might be "judging" me),
I have found, pretending (ACTING) to be someone else,
(E.G. a much better version of "Who I am"),
makes it possible.
And, I (the real person) always feel better, when I return.

Thank you very much for your input, and sorry to hear that you no longer are the person who you used to be, and I hope you will become that person again, and even better.

For me, I'm not a good actor, because the overwhelming emotions that I have are stronger to be hidden. And to be honest, I feel depressed as well, so I don't have the energy/motivation to mask my real self. I know it is a cycle, but I don't have the power to break it now.

Hi again WS, how are you today?

I think there are a whole load of strategies you could try, what works for some might not for others, it's a case of keeping a 'toolkit' of strategies and working through them.

Here's a few things that have been suggested to me which you might consider trying:

1) Concentrating on your breathing, when we panic our breath quickens and shallows, this is partly what causes the physical symptoms of panic. Slow your breath down, draw it fully into your lungs and slowly exhale. Some people find it useful to count the length and number of breaths, it gives something to focus on.

2) Find an object to concentrate on, so if you were in the park it could be a tree or flower, really take in the details of this object - allow yourself to focus on it. This can help 'ground' you and calm yourself.

3) Remind yourself, this may feel 'dangerous' but it's your mind tricking you, it will pass, you will be okay.

4) When at home practice regular relaxation, it could be gentle music, relaxation videos on Youtube, meditation, yoga, whatever works for you. If you regularly relax when away from the panic trigger your body & brain may 'remember' the feeling making it easier to calm yourself when triggered.

5) Make sure you are eating nutritious food regularly and avoid alcohol & caffeine as these can make panic worse.

I've stuck to self-help above, but of course there is also the option of therapy and or SSRI meds which some people find helpful.

Good wishes

Originally Posted by prefabsprout

Hi again WS, how are you today?

I think there are a whole load of strategies you could try, what works for some might not for others, it's a case of keeping a 'toolkit' of strategies and working through them.

Here's a few things that have been suggested to me which you might consider trying:

1) Concentrating on your breathing, when we panic our breath quickens and shallows, this is partly what causes the physical symptoms of panic. Slow your breath down, draw it fully into your lungs and slowly exhale. Some people find it useful to count the length and number of breaths, it gives something to focus on.

2) Find an object to concentrate on, so if you were in the park it could be a tree or flower, really take in the details of this object - allow yourself to focus on it. This can help 'ground' you and calm yourself.

3) Remind yourself, this may feel 'dangerous' but it's your mind tricking you, it will pass, you will be okay.

4) When at home practice regular relaxation, it could be gentle music, relaxation videos on Youtube, meditation, yoga, whatever works for you. If you regularly relax when away from the panic trigger your body & brain may 'remember' the feeling making it easier to calm yourself when triggered.

5) Make sure you are eating nutritious food regularly and avoid alcohol & caffeine as these can make panic worse.

I've stuck to self-help above, but of course there is also the option of therapy and or SSRI meds which some people find helpful.

Good wishes

I'm OK. Thanks for asking.

Thanks for the suggestions. As I said in my last post, I don't have the motivation to break the cycle. I don't see the point. I've tried hard in the past, but nothing came out of it. Maybe I'm destined to be like this. I don't know. I'm just getting used to the fact that I will never be social, ever, and all of what it entails, from loneliness and depression. This has become my identity, and I cannot imagine myself otherwise.

Originally Posted by Wandering Soul

I'm OK. Thanks for asking.

Thanks for the suggestions. As I said in my last post, I don't have the motivation to break the cycle. I don't see the point. I've tried hard in the past, but nothing came out of it. Maybe I'm destined to be like this. I don't know. I'm just getting used to the fact that I will never be social, ever, and all of what it entails, from loneliness and depression. This has become my identity, and I cannot imagine myself otherwise.

(((WS)))

Motivation can be so hard sometimes, and especially with depression. I don't believe you are destined to be like this, depression makes us feel these things.

Is it okay to ask a few questions?

How long have you felt like this?
How old are you?

You don't have to answer but it will help me understand your situation better, if you prefer you can PM me.

Originally Posted by prefabsprout

(((WS)))

Motivation can be so hard sometimes, and especially with depression. I don't believe you are destined to be like this, depression makes us feel these things.

Is it okay to ask a few questions?

How long have you felt like this?
How old are you?

You don't have to answer but it will help me understand your situation better, if you prefer you can PM me.

I'm in my early thirties. I think I have had this (both social anxiety and depression) since ever. But I didn't feel it clearly before I came to North America because I was between my family all the time. But the situation has become worse when I came to North America to study. I have inadequacy fitting in in my own country with strangers. Imagine in a foreign country!! Now it's even worse while working. At least while studying I was seeing students when I was at school, now at work, I work in an office alone. I don't think the presence of others would make things much better, but the current situation reinforcing my depression and isolation.

Originally Posted by Wandering Soul

I'm in my early thirties. I think I have had this (both social anxiety and depression) since ever. But I didn't feel it clearly before I came to North America because I was between my family all the time. But the situation has become worse when I came to North America to study. I have inadequacy fitting in in my own country with strangers. Imagine in a foreign country!! Now it's even worse while working. At least while studying I was seeing students when I was at school, now at work, I work in an office alone. I don't think the presence of others would make things much better, but the current situation reinforcing my depression and isolation.

I think you are right about isolation exacerbating depression & SA, that has been my experience too. When we don't have the distraction of others around us we have more time for our own internal negative thoughts to grow unchecked.

You have had a huge change in your life, and while I know you have written about your aptitude for languages the shift in culture must be challenging, and also being away from your family. Do you have anyone at all nearby who you can call on/talk to?

Kindest wishes.

I don't, but it's OK. When I write here, I just want to express my feelings. That's all. I know what must be done, I just don't have the motivation and energy to do them, and to be honest I don't even care. Maybe it's how depression works. But unless something changes in my life, it's unlikely to change my feelings. Probably, it works the other way around, but as I said, I don't have the energy to do this right now. Thanks

Originally Posted by Wandering Soul

I don't, but it's OK. When I write here, I just want to express my feelings. That's all. I know what must be done, I just don't have the motivation and energy to do them, and to be honest I don't even care. Maybe it's how depression works. But unless something changes in my life, it's unlikely to change my feelings. Probably, it works the other way around, but as I said, I don't have the energy to do this right now. Thanks

I'm pleased that it helps it helps to post here and express those feelings.

You are right, motivation has to come from within.

I think you are coping admirably with what many would find a very challenging set of circumstances - kudos to you.

Take care and blessings to you, WS.

[mugwort2]

Originally Posted by Wandering Soul

I just went out since I was in front of the screen since early morning. But since it is nice outside, many people are in the streets, and the sheer presence of people in the streets and their voices and laughs overwhelmed me, that I couldn't look at anyone, and I was walking fast just to finish my walk around the neighborhood. I wish I know how to be normal around people and not to be so anxious and stressed!!

I feel pretty much same as you. Its more bearable when I'm outside and I can what others people are doing However when I see anyone just standing there I feel uptight. At home I always put on the AC no matter what the weather is because I can't tolerate hearing other people. I know I sound antisocial. There are some good friends in my life. PTL for that. Family relationship good too.