*** Venting ****

I feel I don't belong to this world, not to any part of it. I feel like a stranger passing through the untraveled paths to death, and I don't mean paths that are talked about when people talk about success and hard work, but I mean untraveled paths that leads to no where but to a small grave. These paths are also untraveled, because everyone else seems to have something in this life, even if is troubling sometimes or most of the time. Nothing I do or have makes me a human being. I read posts of people with all sorts of MIs, but still they've managed to have families, partners, friends, activities, .. they have something. This makes me feel so bad. I just watch life, not living it. Some may say I don't want to live as if I have the option as someone alluded before, but the reality is I cannot. I don't like the idea of dying alone and doing nothing. When I watch YouTube videos to distract myself, my eyes often tear because all I can see is that people are living and having fun, and begin asking myself, why not me? What's wrong with me? I think I'm fit physically, and intelligent. I don't like social interactions, but I'm not rude to people either, and try to help if I can, and have actually people telling me I'm a nice person, including my current employer/supervisor (although I feel I don't deserve that, because I don't feel I'm a nice person). But still, I'm unnoticed and marginalized most of the time. There is something holding me back, and makes me feel hopeless, helpless, and paralyzed, and not going after life and be part of the "game".

[Skeezyks]

[Lost_in_the_woods]

I really do honestly know how you feel. I did have people in my life..but they are all gone. I never did anything to deserve it other than being socially awkward and not knowing how to make and keep up with friends..but everyone I ever really cared about they left me. I am not a bad person. In fact I'm a really good honest loyal person. I don't trust or love or get close to people irl easily. Those that managed to get in my heart...I have and would still do anything for them...but they all disowned/ abused/used/abandoned/chewed me up spit me out like an old wad of gum that lost flavor/ and just left me and called me crazy, bad, useless, worthless and they never looked back...I was irreparable broken so young that I never even had a chance to be normal..but I kept trying and did the best I could to hide all the pain and damage away...to mimic normal...but I can't really ever pull it off and I have been condensed to a lonely empty nonexistence because of it...I never did anything to deserve anyone abuse or punishment and I don't deserve to not have a real life...but I can't trust anyone....not anymore...and never again...I have parts of me that have always been able to bounce back..figure out how to carry on...but I don't think there is a single part left of me that isn't broken...we will not die not in the physical sense...but rather shut up tight like a clam and never ever always anyone to get close enough to hurt us again ever..which means we just stay far away we will not die but will never really get to live either.

This song one of my all time favorites helped me get thru today.****very explicit lyrics***

[here today]

I feel the same way, that I don't belong, though I suspect you might say I have something. Still, I feel any or all of it could disappear at any moment because that is what has happened before.

I'm not very social, either, and without large families and communities that we were born into and are still a part of, in today's world it's just incredibly difficult for people like us. I have found PC to be helpful, a sense of community of sorts. And that's helped me, along with grit and determination, to join some in-person interest groups I found online.

Do you have any particular interests or hobbies? Anything at all, there are probably some other people interested in the same thing. I live in a city so there are some groups that meet in-person even though I found them online. And there's a sense of belonging because of the common interest and I've gotten to be friendly with several people in them. A start.

But I keep coming back to PC because I do find other people here that I feel I have something in common with. Like you.

@Lost_in_the_woods: I'm socially awkward/anxious and very sensitive that I see and feel things that others don't (maybe they are related). I'm easily hurt. Probably it has something to do with my upbringing (my parents were harsh and critical), but also I don't feel normal in a deeper and basic (genetic) level, because I have brothers and sisters who are sociable.

Unlike you, I haven't allowed people to be very close to me, because I couldn't tolerate more hurt, and it was from the beginning. I know this is about me. I'm different. Others form relationships successfully and go through their lives, although with (other) difficulties. What makes me feel bad is that I cannot have the basics in life and relationships (a real friend and/or a partner). Loneliness is driving me crazy lately. At first I thought it's a phase, but now I feel it's my new reality that I have to live the rest of my life. Both options are difficult for me.

I'm glad that song helped you through the day, but obviously we have two different tastes in music. I prefer the more calm and slow music that calms me and my nerves. I'm easily triggered with fast and loud music. I'm sensitive to light and sound, too

@here today: I tried joining groups online, but I had the same problem. I don't have any specific interest, so I joined general groups like socializing in a bar playing billiard or something. These groups assume you will be sociable, and if you don't socialize, no one will ask about you. So, I had to withdraw eventually.

[Lost_in_the_woods]

I am fragmented. If you haven't picked up on that yet. Dxd with DID..but I think OSDD is slightly more accurate now. Some partial integration has occurred but I've been told there are still parts that have presented that I have no awareness of some DID still I guess...
Sorry bit off topic. I wanted to talk about being highly empathetic. There are parts of us that are. My mother has told us from birth she knew that there was something "off" about me. The Dr. told her I was,what some book that was all the rage at that time dubbed, a highly sensitive person. Which I think may have made us more susceptible to fragmenting. Childhood was much different. Not a single friend til high school I think. My mother has said when we were from infancy to somewhere before school age or right around extremely sensitive to every kind of stimuli especially others emotions..lots of crying anxieties into relevance to tons of physical stimuli and very friendly but very vulnerable as well. Then she said she was surprised when she got a report from preschool I think.. socially withdrawn. No interest in group activities...would participate in the learning aspect of the group activities but outside of the circle. Was indifferent blank stare to other's emotions when directed at me both good and bad..but would burst into tears when witnessing another child get hurt or cry. Then her later accounts get all over the map. Duh. But when we ever asked her about early trauma/abuse, she gets angry and defensive and says that nothing ever happened to us..other than being a selfish, spoiled, ungrateful child who never cared about others feelings...our mother is an Alcoholic Narcissist...so can't get a straight answer ever out of her...nothing ever happened because admitting that she knew of or even suspected anything would be admitting to failure on her part..She can not ever be wrong. So we are just all wrong bad..problematic since birth...the rotten apple that spoiled the whole bunch. I am the one who took all of it. The berating and scapegoating and blame. I was the shield. I had to be numb. Then she threw us at a therapist and theatre coach at 8. "Too fix us" because she was exashauzted from having to put up with us....whatever I digress...So, I don't really remember therapy?? Not my job I guess, but theatre became my life. I learned how to literally mimic others behaviors...just like you stated that you can socialize when nesacary by wearing "a mask". By high school I had to evolve a bit. I took on the social duties as well as the familiar interactions. I am/ was is should say, what is referred to as the "Apparently Normal Part" from what information has been gathered and memories that have been regained..as far as I know we were originally 3 parts..but I've been told there is some contention on that point. But from my memory 3. 2 ANPS and 1 EP. I have had many aspects of my job change but always the protector first and foremost. And to protect was to not appear abnormal. I did not hide in the background. I tried to appear to be just like everyone else. To fit in. I could be a wallflower when younger because the other ANP dealt with all things academic. And because this was her only concern...well, needless to say..we were not that popular. I would jump in when we got bullied and made fun of was always in defensive mode. But high school was different. New school new classmates and required me to get us there..public transit..so before we ever even walked in the door..I had to quickly learn to adjust my stance..because apparently we were good looking..not being vain..tho I am a bit..but honestly that day is etched into my memory more than any other single thing that ever happened...because it was bizarre and totally shocking. Never give a single thought to what we looked like at all...ever. mirrors were for brushing teeth and practicing choreography also for correcting tongue positioning and mouth jaw exercises/shapes for vocal lessons, but other than when applying stage make up...never really look at the whole or the eyes..too surreal...bring on DP/DR episodes. And EP was afraid of them entirely..so none in our room ever. But suddenly I was popular??!!..I can't talk about this more because I can feel the room starting to shift and I have a feeling about what is being triggered and no. No way. Not happening. Not gonna let vapid 14 out...it's just embarrassing. I will regroup.jump ahead to later soon.
~S.♡☆

[Lost_in_the_woods]

Originally Posted by Mr. Stranger

@Lost_in_the_woods: I'm socially awkward/anxious and very sensitive that I see and feel things that others don't (maybe they are related). I'm easily hurt. Probably it has something to do with my upbringing (my parents were harsh and critical), but also I don't feel normal in a deeper and basic (genetic) level, because I have brothers and sisters who are sociable.

Unlike you, I haven't allowed people to be very close to me, because I couldn't tolerate more hurt, and it was from the beginning. I know this is about me. I'm different. Others form relationships successfully and go through their lives, although with (other) difficulties. What makes me feel bad is that I cannot have the basics in life and relationships (a real friend and/or a partner). Loneliness is driving me crazy lately. At first I thought it's a phase, but now I feel it's my new reality that I have to live the rest of my life. Both options are difficult for me.

I'm glad that song helped you through the day, but obviously we have two different tastes in music. I prefer the more calm and slow music that calms me and my nerves. I'm easily triggered with fast and loud music. I'm sensitive to light and sound, too

@here today: I tried joining groups online, but I had the same problem. I don't have any specific interest, so I joined general groups like socializing in a bar playing billiard or something. These groups assume you will be sociable, and if you don't socialize, no one will ask about you. So, I had to withdraw eventually.

Hold the phone!...what did I say that upset you?...I just reread the post your referring to...and I think maybe I didn't explain correctly?..as far as that song goes I was not the contributing party on that. But I think I understand what the intention was...that was a long long time ago...but...I can vaguely remember...nope it's gone..but I think maybe that is more a msg meant for me than you. I have been really emotionally disregulated lately and I believe that is intended to remind me to snap out of it and stop allowing myself to driving myself insane feeling like I need his approval or anything from him when blah blah blah blah...yeah you don't need to hear all that...sorry. I'm losing my mind. I am not the most helpful person atm.

[MickeyCheeky]

I can relate to your feelings..

Originally Posted by Lost_in_the_woods

...I wanted to talk about being highly empathetic. .... No interest in group activities...would participate in the learning aspect of the group activities but outside of the circle. Was indifferent blank stare to other's emotions when directed at me both good and bad..but would burst into tears when witnessing another child get hurt or cry. ...

I can relate to this. I don't remember how I felt as a child, but I think I was also isolated and autonomous. But was respected also, because I was known to be smart at school, but also because I didn't allow anyone to bully me when they tried to. But that's how I feel now. I'm indifferent what people say or feel about me and I think it's not genuine, or I think they will hurt me if I allow it in, and I simply ignore it, but I usually get emotional seeing someone hurt or having a bad time, and I try very hard not to hurt anyone, and if I did (we all can hurt at times, especially when we are hurt. We aren't gods), I would go to them and try to make things right and apologize. I actually once made an accidental connection with a secretary in our department after I got angry with her because I felt she didn't treat me well and I didn't do anything to her. But I felt so bad afterward, so I returned and apologized, and told her that she was dealing with all kind of students, and probably had a bad day. She accepted my apology, and I left. After that, she treated me as a special student. Whenever I went to see the chair of the department, she allowed me in before all students. I remained not sociable with her. I wasn't striking small talks with her. All I was doing saying hi, and sit down in the office quietly. But she would call me by my name, and let me in. She also once intervened in a problem I had with the chair of the department through the dean of the faculty, but she couldn't do anything because the dean couldn't do anything. She tried to do something, at least.

Nothing you said upset me. I appreciate all you posts. Thanks

[Lost_in_the_woods]

I don't remember our childhood either. What I am giving you is just information that have been compiled from various sources. It is just factual as far as is known. One part was bullied (as in ostracized from the rest because it did not apply to her sense of agency to interact with other on any level other than academically. This would occasionally lead to being subjected to the cruelty of the pack mentality. But she didn't have to feel it, because S. would not allow it. S. is at her core (when functional a true protector. A shock absorber that could withstand any attack.).

S. is malfunctioning at present..she needs to rest.

Originally Posted by Mr. Stranger

I can relate to this. I don't remember how I felt as a child, but I think I was also isolated and autonomous. But was respected also, because I was known to be smart at school, but also because I didn't allow anyone to bully me when they tried to. But that's how I feel now. I'm indifferent what people say or feel about me and I think it's not genuine, or I think they will hurt me if I allow it in, and I simply ignore it, but I usually get emotional seeing someone hurt or having a bad time, and I try very hard not to hurt anyone, and if I did (we all can hurt at times, especially when we are hurt. We aren't gods), I would go to them and try to make things right and apologize. I actually once made an accidental connection with a secretary in our department after I got angry with her because I felt she didn't treat me well and I didn't do anything to her. But I felt so bad afterward, so I returned and apologized, and told her that she was dealing with all kind of students, and probably had a bad day. She accepted my apology, and I left. After that, she treated me as a special student. Whenever I went to see the chair of the department, she allowed me in before all students. I remained not sociable with her. I wasn't striking small talks with her. All I was doing saying hi, and sit down in the office quietly. But she would call me by my name, and let me in. She also once intervened in a problem I had with the chair of the department through the dean of the faculty, but she couldn't do anything because the dean couldn't do anything. She tried to do something, at least.

Nothing you said upset me. I appreciate all you posts. Thanks

That's really good you didn't allow yourself to be bullied, I myself was bullied a while at high school and looking back I realise my coping methods from thereon were to build a wall around myself. I had friends but they would only get so close, I didn't allow anyone closer - it took years before I realised the pattern and the cause. Your coping methods served you well in the past but perhaps this is a behaviour which isn't serving you well in adulthood.

It sounds like that secretary was an astute woman who could see you were a good student who was having some problems.

[Lost_in_the_woods]

At such odds with yourself, Mr. Stranger!
Of all that's makes up us. I am the most like you. Refusal to allow anyone truly near. No one gets in. I will not allow it. I differ from you a in that I am in full acceptance of my inner nature. It is my sense of agency, my job, my purpose, my identity. It is all I know.
¤-LITW

Originally Posted by prefabsprout

...

It sounds like that secretary was an astute woman who could see you were a good student who was having some problems.

I think she appreciated that I had the courage to apologize to her. She knew she did something wrong by ignoring and not acknowledging me, but I also shouldn't have gotten angry with her the way I did. Other than this incident, I don't think she knew anything about me, and I saw her many times before this time, when I was just another student for her.

Originally Posted by Lost_in_the_woods

At such odds with yourself, Mr. Stranger!
Of all that's makes up us. I am the most like you. Refusal to allow anyone truly near. No one gets in. I will not allow it. I differ from you a in that I am in full acceptance of my inner nature. It is my sense of agency, my job, my purpose, my identity. It is all I know.
¤-LITW

What do you mean "At such odds with yourself"? Accepting myself means I remain alone in this world, which makes me feel lonely and bored sometimes, and somehow less of a human. We need connection, intimacy, love ... etc. Even hermits go to the Church on Sundays and talk to the monks. But the way most people activate these needs doesn't work with me. I feel people are deceptive in their ways to get these needs. It sounds contradictory to prefer to be alone and feel lonely. But maybe they aren't. I don't want to learn some superficial social skills that doesn't come from my essence. I failed connecting with people because I force myself to be someone else. I want to remain the same, and be accepted as I am, rather than feeling subjugated and conform to some rules and norms just to feel I belong and accepted. It feels confusing sometimes even to me, but as I write these things it becomes a little more clear.