[TishaBuv]

I never get defended by those who say they love me. I must think I am better than they think I am.

I did defend these same other people in the past. I am just that kind of person to do that. But these people are just not the kind of person to defend me.

I know it is faulty thinking for me to wish they would, because they never do, even after I tell them how much it means to me if they would.

So I sit here in a bad mood. Tears every day.

Their neglect tells me I don't matter. I deprive myself of pleasure now and cause myself pain. It looks like full-blown disorder.

I am in a rut of my own making, not helping myself out.

I don't hate myself. I like myself. Maybe I don't love myself.

[TishaBuv]

It's stupid control issues. Wanting people to act how I think they are supposed to act. Disappointed time and time again when they don't.

This is my disorder.

I am so stuck in self-imposed hell.

[Thunder Bow]

Best to turn down the expectations you have.

It must be hard to feel like you are not defended in the way you would like. Your second sentence sums it up pretty neatly - it seems they just aren't wired that way, rather than a judgement/reflection on you.

Do you feel your are quite an idealistic person with high values/belief in fairness?

[TishaBuv]

Originally Posted by prefabsprout

It must be hard to feel like you are not defended in the way you would like. Your second sentence sums it up pretty neatly - it seems they just aren't wired that way, rather than a judgement/reflection on you.

Do you feel your are quite an idealistic person with high values/belief in fairness?

No, not at all. Just a strong need for someone close to me to have my back. They never did. It hurts a lot. Just a trigger for my emotions.

Now I'm trying to not get into anything that will cause me stress.

Just need to stay away from the button pressers and stresses because I can't handle it.

[Hairball]

Tisha I have read several of your posts and I feel bad for you. It seems you struggle alot with life. Its so hard to find happiness and contentment sometimes. I feel you my friend!!!

[TishaBuv]

Originally Posted by Hairball

Tisha I have read several of your posts and I feel bad for you. It seems you struggle alot with life. Its so hard to find happiness and contentment sometimes. I feel you my friend!!!

Yes, 'struggle' is the key word. Less struggle, more give needed.

[eskielover]

If I remember right, you were going to leave your marriage because your H wasnt what you expected him to be like sexually.

Now you are having issues because you arent being defended the way you expect to be.

I seriously understand how this can happen but before we go accusing others it's important to know whether our expectations are IN FACT realistic.

I expected behaviors from my H I realized later on were impossibly when it was obvious by his behavior he was/is ASD. it didnt mean that I could live with it just because I realized it...BUT my expectations could never be met given the ASD. My expectations along with my needs would have had to have changed if a relationship with him were to be successful because he was INCAPABLE of change.

In other words....we need to look at the big picture & decide if they can't change to meet our expectations can we change our expectations to meet them? If not....there is just irreconcilable differences in the relationship that will NEVER be resolved as long as nothing can be changed.

We can struggle when our expectations are too high that people cant meet them....OR we can struggle when we have NORMAL expectations but the people around us are incapable of performing those expectations. As you said, you have already told them what you need & want from them so its not that they arent aware.

[TishaBuv]

100% correct, logical, true, Eskie. It is irreconcilable. Instead of being a strong care taker of myself and getting myself out of the marriage, I'm beating myself and cowering in the corner.

[eskielover]

I was always what looked like a strong independent person to everyone looking at me but It took me 13 years to get to the point I could get myself out of being trapped in the corner. It might FEEL & even look like you are the one beating yourself up but there are outside forces that are doing an equally good job at that also. I was the one constantly attempting suicide knowing at the time it was my only way out. Obviously it wasnt but I sure didnt see it at the time. I felt like a caged wild animal trapped with no way to escape.

The strength & the way will come to you & when it does, the freedom feels amazing

[Teddy Bear]

Sorry it has to suck defending people who don't defend you.

[TishaBuv]

I'm really not worthy. Just hating myself now. Too depressed to do CBT. Thinking so negative, then telling myself to think positive, but the self hating voice rules. Stupid girl.

You sunk into a pretty deep depression about two weeks ago. I don't know how long it will last but it won't last forever. You have a tendency to be remarkably upbeat despite going through a lot of shyte. You cheered me up so many times. It takes talent to find humor amid pain. You have what it takes. <<extra hugs>>

[TishaBuv]

I did. The battle for control that I lost with my mother put the final kabosh on that relationship at the same time the battle for control that I lost with my husband dies a slow, painful, agonizing death.

I can't believe I let this destroy me and I pray I can escape and get myself on solid ground one day. I am terrified and full of such deep down low self esteem. I can't believe I blew this whole life.

[TishaBuv]

It's like a tug of war that you've already lost, but you keep lying there in the mud, tugging at the rope.

[DechanDawa]

Originally Posted by TishaBuv

I'm really not worthy. Just hating myself now. Too depressed to do CBT. Thinking so negative, then telling myself to think positive, but the self hating voice rules. Stupid girl.

Me too. At this exact moment. Maybe CBT would ask what we get out of not feeling worthy. Maybe then we don't have to be responsible for our feelings? I don't know. I am fishing here for myself. I feel like a total piece of crap at the moment.

[TishaBuv]

Originally Posted by DechanDawa

Me too. At this exact moment. Maybe CBT would ask what we get out of not feeling worthy. Maybe then we don't have to be responsible for our feelings? I don't know. I am fishing here for myself. I feel like a total piece of crap at the moment.

I know, I see your posts, too. We're getting flushed down the toilet together like two dead goldfish.

[DechanDawa]

Originally Posted by TishaBuv

I know, I see your posts, too. We're getting flushed down the toilet together like two dead goldfish.

you are too funny...and too smart....family scapegoat, too? Let's have coffee then shoe shop.

[TishaBuv]

Mom's an equal opportunity abuser. I'll take you up on that coffee and shopping though!

[DechanDawa]

Originally Posted by TishaBuv

Mom's an equal opportunity abuser. I'll take you up on that coffee and shopping though!

I read all your posts. Don't relate to the Mom thing...We had good rapport and mine died when I was very young. Father another story...

But thing with you and your H. Boy do I relate...the power plays that go all the way into the bedroom. I sincerely sincerely sincerely wish and hope you can work it out, though. Being divorced can be way worse than a bad marriage. At least then I was financially secure and actually liked/loved my husband most of the time. We had a beautiful SoCal home. I sometimes think when he divorced me he should have just taken a gun and blown my head off.

Shoes it is.

[eskielover]

What is it that makes you feel not worthy? Why is it you that is feelung unworthy & not them? Its not just about thinking positive...goes much deeper than that....usually gets down to self-worth, self-esteem issues.

[TishaBuv]

I struggled to try to get people to change for me. That was the faulty thinking/ crux of this emotional disorder. My father in law was right, I do have bad DNA. I ruined my whole life, being mad and sad and throwing babyish tantrums that no one would appease no matter what I did. Now, there's no end in sight to the lousy marriage. I wrote off my mother, step dad, and aunt. They don't care. Nobody even called me. It doesn't matter what I do. I can bang my head in the wall 'till I pass out, so I do.

[TishaBuv]

I've enjoyed so much of my life. I've had good relationships. I still have many good relationships. I'm just defeated and resolved in this marriage. I need to shut up and just exist. Since I'm too scared to leave, and I flip flop my feelings, so I don't trust myself, i am frozen. But I'm so unhappy. The problem is me. I'm miserable and self loathing, my new thing has become to beat on myself and deprive myself of pleasure. That is my response to not getting the behavior I needed from my h. I know how sick this is. I'll cause myself some real health problems and hopefully die sooner. He wins.

We saw my psychiatrist yesterday and discussed if I should go inpatient. It was my h who suggested it, but he only said it as a threat, not out of sincerity. But I asked the psy if she thought I should and if they would admit me. She said they would because I was harming myself, but that it is just a traumatic experience, so I was discouraged from that.

Now tonight, we are having dinner with friends. I'll put on a masked smile, self inflicted bruises under my clothes.

[TishaBuv]

We left her office with me thinking my h is too good for me and I am just damaged goods. Maybe I orchestrated this entire thing myself. I'm a sick puppy.

[TishaBuv]

He's smart and successful. When he spoke to the psy, he took no responsibility for his part in this! He spoke in this soft, kind tone, telling her how much he loves me and doesn't want a divorce. It felt like even SHE fell in love with him! I left feeling like I am just crazy and stupid and scum.