In my experience, nothing in the world is worse than feeling worthless. I feel worthless because I don't feel I belong, and I cannot have any respect from any body anywhere because I cannot socialize with people properly. I hate myself very much. I wish there was a way to vanish from this life, and to choose to not exist. I feel utterly useless that I am ashamed of myself. No one is as useless as I am.

[MickeyCheeky]

You're not useless..

[Open Eyes]

There are a lot of people interacting on this site that struggle when it comes to socializing and interacting with others effectively. This affects a lot of individual's sense of self worth too. Human beings have used language and socializing as a means to manipulate, control, and dominate other human beings throughout human history. It's not easy to be human and all humans try very hard to find their way to feeling "worthy".

You mentioned how your siblings allow your parents to control them right? Well, your father used language with your siblings that got him that control. You were more sensitive and his way of using his words to control you "hurt" you. You are seeing that a lot more now that you are home and you are observing how your father uses language.

When I was little, I was the youngest and one of the things that challenged me the most was in my effort to grasp language I became the one with the least power. Every time I tried to talk and my father was present, I never got a chance to finish talking or making an effort to communicate. My father never failed to stop me and correct me in how I was trying to articulate. Because of that I developed a problem when it came to thinking about something I wanted to talk about and coming up with the words. What happened is that I began to develop a studder in my brain because I was anticipating that whatever I did manage to say was going to be criticized. I began to also develop a fear of talking to adults too where whatever I said would not be good enough. That is a kind of phobia. For a really long time I struggled that way and I also was afraid of eye contact too. What I did not understand at that time was how I was being encouraged to feel "shame". My father, in his effort to want me to learn how to speak good english, hurt me and shamed me instead of actually helping me.

I struggled with that for many years, yet, I did try to privately overcome that challenge and I read to myself out loud a lot and then later on I was asked to babysit and that's when I found out that with children I could talk without being shamed and criticized. Yet, for a really long time I still struggled when it came to talking to authority type figures. That used to frustrate me a lot too. I had not really realized "how" that developed, not in the way I see that now looking back.

What I can see of you is that you use language well, you "are" actually very articulate. Yet, that becomes a challenge to you when you are trying to do that in live social situations. I can understand that because of how I myself faced that challenge, especially when it came to interacting with adults. It took me a long time to slowly overcome that challenge. And what I now think helped me with that is because I spent so much time with children, I began to develop an ability to see the "child" in other adults.

When your father hits you with his words of control, you tend to resort to that child part of you where he hurt you. What you don't see "yet" is the spoiled brat child in him that is a bully. YET, you are beginning to recognize some things about your father that you now resent because your father is a man who doesn't respect others. When a person insists on sending a message of "if you are not this I am unhappy", now matter how they say that even in the best form of language, it's showing "disrespect" for others and how much that person expects others to obey and how selfish and controlling that other person is. These people practice "shaming". There is a lot of shaming that takes place in human socializing. That's because it has always proven very effective when it comes to controlling others. It also exists in every culture and every religion too. This is a human condition in that human beings have always been trying to design structures that results in controlling others in an effort to attain a sense of safety and a way to predict threats.

You are not alone when it comes to struggling with a sense of self worth. And you are not alone when it comes to struggling when it comes to gaining a sense of comfort in socializing with others, even though that is the hardest for you. You are also not alone in how you think that so many others are functioning well in the social area and you wish you could and yet this is the one area that you feel the most challenged with. The truth is that socializing is one of the most challenging areas when it comes to human nature. Most people feel vulnerable in that area and they find ways to work around it in an effort to hide it or avoid social situations that make them uncomfortable.

One of the busiest places in this site is the Relationship Forum, and also the Depression forum. Truth is what is normal about being a human is not being normal because there really is no true normal because we ALL struggle in some way.

Thanks Open Eyes. I appreciate the time and effort you put in all your replies. They are very informative.

When I was little, I was the youngest and one of the things that challenged me the most was in my effort to grasp language I became the one with the least power. Every time I tried to talk and my father was present, I never got a chance to finish talking or making an effort to communicate. My father never failed to stop me and correct me in how I was trying to articulate. Because of that I developed a problem when it came to thinking about something I wanted to talk about and coming up with the words. What happened is that I began to develop a studder in my brain because I was anticipating that whatever I did manage to say was going to be criticized. I began to also develop a fear of talking to adults too where whatever I said would not be good enough. That is a kind of phobia. For a really long time I struggled that way and I also was afraid of eye contact too. What I did not understand at that time was how I was being encouraged to feel "shame". My father, in his effort to want me to learn how to speak good english, hurt me and shamed me instead of actually helping me.

I have a similar experience. I believe I mentioned this before. When I was younger my father criticized me on everything I said or did. So, I learned not to do or say anything. But even then, I was criticized of being silent. I believe that is why I developed social anxiety. However, my father didn't stop there. The other day he sat down with me and criticized me, very harshly. He criticized me on one occasion why I didn't say anything. And he criticized me on another occasion when I managed to speak, telling me that I must speak better, while mocking me on what I said. As I said, when I talk, I tend to be naive and simple, and say foolish things. I believe my father is not alone in feeling this way, because no one respects me, and I guess it is because of that.

This brings me to the point that I am articulate here. I am not sure what that means, but here I don't feel anxious, and I am open because I know no one will criticize me, so, I speak my mind frankly. But when around people, especially with my father sitting, I cannot do that. I become very self-conscious and I think many times before I talk. But also, if I managed to talk, and didn't find a listening ear, or when I am being ignored, I immediately feel down, and effectively will stop talking. That is why I said I have no resilience in social situations. Others would keep talking.

When you hear of someone like me, you would expect someone who is confident, knowledgeable, and able to communicate that knowledge, and a conversationalist, yet if you meet me in reality you will be meeting a 12 years old child, in a 35 years old man's body. I don't know of anyone who is like me in the social life. I read some posts from others, but although they say they struggle socially, you will find that they have friends, partners, ... etc, while I have none. I can not even talk to someone who is 10 years younger than me without looking like an idiot, which happened few days ago and he acted like a boss on me because of that!!!!

I want to change, but now I don't have the energy or the willingness. When I was abroad I wasn't pressured to socialize, but now I am under pressure to socialize, which adds to my anxiety to be around people against my will, in which case I do very badly because I am not mentally prepared/willing to socialize.

[Open Eyes]

I really feel for you Stranger because I understand how debilitating it can be when forced to be around the very toxic person that caused so much harm to you to begin with. It doesn't surprise me that you feel sapped of energy because you are in the environment where you developed this challenge. There are a lot of people that have to completely disconnect from their family because of how toxic it is for them.

I am glad to know that you feel "safe" here at PC though and that you can see that at least here you can communicate in a normal way. It's important that you look for "safe" places that help you distance from the toxic people you have around you. It's good to have a place to vent where others can comfort you and validate you.

I have something very toxic going on in my family right now, and I just can't get near it without struggling and suffering and feeling like it's my fault that I avoid it because of how badly I get triggered.

It's important that you distance as much as you can and work on a plan to leave this toxic family environment. What your father is doing with you is "wrong" and I am sorry that you have been dealing with that and no matter what you try you just get criticized.
I have had to distance myself from the toxic family situation I have going on now too, and how it can reduce me to feeling like a helpless child, but I experience that in flashbacks that come over me and cripple me. Unfortunately, the message I also get is blame, that it's my fault, so I hear you on that one.

[VernonJenkins]

I can relate to both of you on almost everything.

I am not surprised you are feeling this way if he sat you down and criticised you harshly like that - and I am sorry he treated you that way yet again.

I relate very much to 'shutting down' in social situations too, that has happened to me before and I know how these memories can stay with us - maybe it's our brains trying to learn from the situation but it's not helpful, it just re-traumatises us. We need to let go of that shame and give ourselves compassion.

You deserve understanding and compassion Mr.Stranger, from others and from yourself.

[dlantern]

Taking care of yourself and those in you life is good idea. I'm sorry, worthless is not a place that you belong. I'm really wish that you come out of the rut of worthless during some time and invest in yourself.

[wolfgaze]

Originally Posted by Mr. Stranger

I have a similar experience. I believe I mentioned this before. When I was younger my father criticized me on everything I said or did. So, I learned not to do or say anything. But even then, I was criticized of being silent. I believe that is why I developed social anxiety. However, my father didn't stop there. The other day he sat down with me and criticized me, very harshly. He criticized me on one occasion why I didn't say anything. And he criticized me on another occasion when I managed to speak, telling me that I must speak better, while mocking me on what I said. As I said, when I talk, I tend to be naive and simple, and say foolish things. I believe my father is not alone in feeling this way, because no one respects me, and I guess it is because of that.

Mr. S, tying this in with one of your other threads - do you feel what's transpired is that due to your exposure to the influence of your father's energy (his critical mindset & his emotions) and through no fault of your own, that you've more or less experienced an internalizing of how your father thinks/feels/perceives as it relates to your self-image? In other words that you may have taken on his mental/emotional energy and made it your own? If this unfolded it would have happened on a subconscious level (below your conscious awareness)....

To give you an example of how this relates to my own life... My father was a chronic-worrier and someone who identified with a rather pessimistic, glass half empty type of mindset and perception of 'life'... During my childhood and adolescence, I found myself experiencing these same tendencies and inclinations. Only at the time, I was too young and inexperienced to understand the psychological dynamics behind what had played out, and how we can experience taking on and internalizing the mental/emotional states of our parents and others who had a strong influence in our development... So while I'm going through all that - there is this perception that what I was experiencing must just have been my nature, my doing, and just how I am... My internal state - which in this context was strongly influenced by my environment and upbringings - became my 'sense of self'... It wasn't until later in life and after a good deal of internal growth that I found myself arriving at the awareness of understanding just how I came to be that way and how external factors & circumstances significantly contributed to me being that way.

Can you perhaps relate to any of this?

Yes, I think my upbringing has shaped my personality the way it still is today. My father's criticism has influenced me greatly. His voice is always in my mind: "you are a shame and a failure". I know some of you would say why you still care of his opinions of you, and I ask myself this same question often, but I don't know the answer. I guess I feel guilty of rebelling against him and facing him by not allowing him to influence me. I am not sure.

[Turtle_Rider]

I can relate you, my parents say that a lots when I was kid. I have those thoughts too, and that's the reason why I have anxiety. I constantly scared if I don't achieve something.

Just hang on. You're not useless. There are still lots of people outside who done bad things and/or jailed. That's how I told myself.

[Open Eyes]

wolfgaze has a valid point. When we are children we are designed to look to others for acceptance and support. We are designed to follow and believe what we are told. So, the voice of a parent or other strong presence can imprint in our brains along with the "tone" that comes from these individuals. So, if a parent or other strong presence talks to a child in a negative disapproving and condescending tone, a child can deeply imprint that and begin to "feel" that message of "you are not good enough or you are a failure and I am ashamed of you". In effect, a child develops that as an inner voice "critic" and can begin to say and feel, "I am a failure, I am weak, I should be ashamed and it's my fault".

In one of your other threads I shared how every time I tried to talk to my father he interrupted me and picked apart whatever I said. Even when I made an effort to say something correctly, did not matter, he still interrupted me and tried to get me to add in bigger words. In fact my father was a presence that criticized and corrected everyone including my mother who "hated" to cook because no matter what she made he ALWAYS found something about it or how dinner was served or the table was set to criticize her for.

Sadly, what is often encouraged in families is the father is supposed to be the "narcissist" and is never wrong and everyone in the family is supposed to "obey" and "please" him. He is the king and provider so that means he is the ruler or king of his home and is handed societal power to "rule" in his home and "criticize" and punish as he sees fit. In some societal cultures the man's power is "always" right and not to be questioned even if he is abusive.

The problem you are experiencing is "now" that you are in your father's presence again after being away from that environment for so long, you are actually hearing and feeling the affects of how your father treated you that hurt you and unfortunately, your father believes he was a good father and your problems are your fault and he is making it a point to tell you he is ashamed. You are also seeing how the rest of your family "obeys" him and "serves" him even as adults.

Now, a lot of people will tell you not to listen and accept the negative messages you got that began so long ago. Well, that is not so easy to "just" do. This site is most definitely a testament to that in how so many members are struggling and "self blaming".

It's also not unusual to read how so many are trying to find a way to get a parent or toxic family member to come clean and admit their wrongs and apologize. I think that is a deep desire to have something of that person present in the mind that can "fix" those negative messages so that person can finally feel "free" from them.

Social Anxiety or Phobia often results from how a person may have been sensitive and was somehow "hurt" or dis-empowered or shamed in that area of their development. For example, I raised a child that struggled with dyslexia and I had to learn about how she learns differently, that she is very smart, yet struggles with language specifically reading and how her brain processes information a certain way. I made it a priority to be there for her and help her and advocate for her right up into college. Yet, I could not control how her piers would "shame" her for having that challenge. I was fortunate that Yale made it a point to study and learn about this challenge and how to assist these children who, even though they were challenged this way they often had other abilities that the average person doesn't have these abilities. Since I learned about her challenge more study has been done and one thing that was observed is how because these individuals learn differently, they experience the same "shame" as a child that has been abused and molested.

Whenever I see a person being made fun of for their language skills that show some lacks, it bothers me because I know that is usually something that person can't help and they do the best they can despite that challenge. What has amazed me about many of these individuals however is that many of them develop other talents and become very successful CEO's and inventors and creators of things that contribute to mankind in significant ways. This usually takes place if there is some kind of "positive" nurturing or mentor presence that encourages these individuals despite their challenge. What has been recognized though is when that is not present these individuals can form gangs and get into trouble and there is a high percentage of these individuals that are in our jails.

Did you know that JK Rowlings who is the author of the Harry Potter stories is introverted and shy? She was not close to her father at all and she experienced some emotional abuse as well. She suffered from depression and the darkness that sweeps over someone that struggles with depression and that turned into dark characters in her stories. Her first marriage ended in her literally being thrown out on the street with her baby. She was very poor for a long time and she could not be around her father who was a negative presence in her life. There are characters that have some of that negative persona to them. There is a lot of "darkness" in her first book and throughout her series of books. She was in such a dark place and never imagined how so many people could relate.

You are in a dark place right now, but, a lot of people can relate to how "you" feel about it. Even when you talk about feeling "weak" and can self blame.