[dwr3]

So, I want to write a bit about a topic that recently bugs me.

First of all, some background:

I'm 22, a woman, coming from a dysfunctional, socially isolated family with some genetic disorders (autistic tendencies and purely physical illnesses). I was born with congenital hypothyroidism (treated with 12 years delay, then there were many misdiagnoses and it also gave me some undiagnosed neurodevelopmental issues) and congenital adrenal hyperplasia (which, generally means, I'm kind of a pseudohermaphrodite, with some secondary male characteristics, both physical and psychological, though it's not much seen to others apart from the fact that I may appear pretty harsh and rigid). I suffer from severe anxiety since I was a kid (which I can manage now) I have many autistic and ADHD traits, struggle with psychomotor skills and non verbal communication, and I'm also twice exceptional, which means I have an undiagnosed learning disorder that affected my educational career yet - despite failing school and finals - I was also the most talented student when it came to writing and general linguistic skills (for example, I won a place at a university in a national essay contest, but cannot enter uni because I failed basic subject such as Maths, things like that). I was the only person among my peer group who didn't manage to go to uni and it's extremely rare here nowadays. I'm not from US or UK by the way and English is not my first language, so forgive me for any mistakes. Anyway, I never received any help with these issues and the awareness of my situation came to me some time after I finished highschool and entered adulthood (thanks to my research skills).

I had a hard time with people. As I mentioned, nobody in my family was able to notice my struggle and I was mostly left alone with all of this. They never wanted to participate in therapies (which I demanded being 13 year old), never ever managed to look closely into the issues I was facing. I had to take care of myself. I don't want to make it too long, even though I remember so many situations and words, but generally, I was always the odd one out and was not accepted anywhere. I was terribly bullied in primary school, then in secondary school in other country, then in middle school and high school and away from it. Since being 7 until being 21 I received lots of both verbal and physical bullying.

Not only peers bullied me but my family also (but that mostly when I was younger, now I can defend myself). I was ostracized by my family members for my unusual body language, not wanting to interact with other kids in the family, not wanting to share, even for little things such as lack of eye contact or speaking too loud. When I was a teenager I had some behavioural issues and even my father once came at me with a fist (men attacked me twice). On the other hand, peers were mostly about me being cold or too emotional, the way I looked while my illness was still untreated (now I look good, but when I wasn't people would say they wouldn't touch me with a stick and how ugly I was), the way I walked ("like a robot"), spoke etc. I try to make it really short but it's a long story in fact, I remember so many words being said. Generally speaking, I irritate and provoke people with my presence. I know it's about my body language and my voice and the way I speak (I use strong words and can be very critical even though I try not to). I feel deeply traumatized with my experiences with other people and sad about how I come across to them. I communicate mostly by sharing information. I care deeply about verbal communcation and have a very wide knowledge of many, many things so it sometimes saves me.

I have never been in a relationship and only had some non significant, mild sexual experiences with gay men and women from the time me and my one and only group of friends were turning like 17 and had parties and tried different kinds of things (Now they all live away and mostly have their future husbands and girlfriends etc). Yeah, for a few years I managed to be inside a pretty popular group of people, but it's a different kind of story. If it didn't happen, I wouldn't have a slightest cue about my ways of social interaction.

In my life, I have a huge need to categorize everything and make it clear. Emotions and self image are a bit of an issue here, because I have a hard time "categorizing" myself and also my emotional intelligence is pretty poor. There are two things I find hard to regulate: my anger (but don't want to talk about it now) and love/desire.

As you may suspect, with my hormonal profile, I often have a huge need for intimacy and physical sensations, which I mostly internalize. I also lack attention from others but at the same time it's hard for me to connect. I am lonely and I feel misunderstood, because verbal communication is not enough.

I had a few crushes in my life and it's a nightmare, far worse than the anxiety and panic attacks and other things and this topic has recently came back to me in my new workplace.

I don't think I want a relationship, for sure I don't want to have kids (and can't have them I suppose) and family, because it's just not my thing. I think what I would want is a lover, someone of that kind. I don't believe I have the right resources for creating a relationship.

But, coming back to crushes: for me it's like stepping into a marsh. As I said, I had few of them (once on a girl when I was much younger, then on a few boys) and it was mostly someone that just gave me some attention and was an interesting person to talk to etc. And when you give me an inch, I'll take a mile, so I soon wanted more and more. I'll tell you just about one or two of them, it was from a time I did not know the concept of boundaries and the whole memory of it just disgusts me and makes me feel guilty because I acted like a pure creep.

One was a guy from my peer group who was a "to have his cake and eat it" kind of person with poor boundaries himself (he was intelligent, though). I wasn't the first one to have a crush on him, and it started soon after ppl started telling me we look good together and get along fine and there were some jokes about that. We were kissing during parties, I strongly believed he is interested in me because he was giving mixed signals. But it came to the point that I was obsessed with him and was trying to find an occassion to make up (like, when we were drunk) and was asking him very intrusive questions and it was really, really bad and creepy and it was a rollercoaster of feelings. Once I even slapped him in the face. I didn't realize back then that my view of the world differs from that of others. It end up with me telling him I like him and that I want him to say "no" to me because I'm tired of the whole thing. He didn't say "no" clearly, but after some time I just stopped talking to him, ignored him (even when he was near me) and it lasted for the whole year. After this year my mind got clearer, I started talking to him again and he started talking to me and since then we're normal acquaintances and we see ourselves like three times a year and there are no more problems because I know the situation now. I kind of forgave myself for that stupidity.

A year after that, and a year ago also, I developed another friend. Once again, an undecided boy who didn't know what he wanted. Everyone in my town knew him (generally, everyone knows everyone in my town) and he already was known as a person who tries to make out with everyone a bit, but then leaves. He was also intelligent (but not emotionally), we were talking a lot, but then my intuition started telling me the way it's gonna go. At one time, he tried kissing me and gave me some physical warm, then went to my long time friend who's gay and started doing the same with him, then left him cause he didn't know what he wants, then I made things clear, got angry and after a while just cut him off completely, wasn't much surprised because I already have seen a pattern.

The worst thing with crushes is at the beginning, because I totally hyperfocus over people (I hyperfocus in general) and constantly create images in my mind that idealize them and have not much to do with reality. Simply, I daydream. I obsess about these people. Imagine situations and conversations and it drives me for some time and then I grow tired of it and then ignore it. But at the beginning it always scares me and makes me look like a creep in my own eyes. I want it to stop as soon as possible.

Generally, I never agree when someone invites me for a date. I don't meet with men who want to meet with me. I don't trust people who are interested in me and I want to be in control of this. It's always my choice. I ignore guys who hit on me and I do it the way it hurts. Sometimes I don't know if they're serious or just make fun of me (but I know I'm kind of attractive now so it's often serious). I know the outcome of this and it's loneliness. It would be different only if that person was someone I know for a long time.

Few months ago, I started a new job. I do some very easy and mundane tasks. But I work among hundreds of people of many nationalities and there are constant interactions. When it comes to that, everyday is almost like re-opening my wounds. I didn't have some major problems with anyone, I have few people to talk to, I try to avoid conflicts and try my best to act the right way (even though I already had some meltdowns). There were only few people picking up on how weird I look when I hyperfocus on tasks, etc. One guy called me "groggy". Still, I'm constantly aware of how I come across to others (especially my issues with the tone of my voice) and it causes me discomfort. I often feel overwhelmed because of that. Usually, my mimic is pretty poor, I don't look people in the eye, however I try my best to kind of "play it" when I'm talking to someone I like, because I know people do care about such things and lack of it makes them feel ignored.

I was never aware of these things before and I'm not sure if it does me good, because I often feel like I'm closed in a cage because of it or like I'm damaged and there is nothing to change that. Often it makes me so anxious and panicky and my intrusive fears of going crazy come up. I'm a perfectionist and was taught to constantly correct myself, but this issue is not something I can do much about. I won't play constantly.

And yeah, after a year I developed another crush and this time it almost scares me, I won't go with the flow now. There is a guy working with me, five years older, he's Hungarian but we communicate with ease. I saw him straight away the first time I went to work and since then he constantly catches my eye which is extremely irritating because it makes me feel almost insane. I went through the crazy daydreaming phase, where I was literally head over heels with going to work and I don't believe I managed to hide it. It's like, usually, I try to ignore him most of the time, still we have to communicate because of the job and then I sound pretty unnatural and upset (not mentioning when he was trying to make a joke to me and I didn't get it). But, once or twice every few days, we sit down and talk and talk and talk about some particular topics (i can't do small talk, but when a real topic comes on, I'm all in) and even try to joke a little. And then I go to job again and become distant again, because I don't want to be too much. But the way I set these boundaries is a bit over exaggerated and unnatural. Despite my emotions, I want to not try too hard because anyway, it won't work. Yet, I started to compare guys like him to the previous ones and it's bad because I don't see a person now, just a set of characteristics that I don't like.

All in all, these kind of situations makes me very anxious and tense: the lack of communication skills, fear of being judged, laughed at, not regulating my emotions properly, getting involved too quickly, fearing I'm insane and a creep, not knowing how to behave naturally. I sometimes feel that, among people, I'm like a dog who was attacked by other dogs constantly: I act either submissive or aggressive.

My first instinct is to tell you we are an accepting and supportive group. Opening up about such personal stuff is incredibly hard and I give you my pat on the back for having such courage.

You have made huge efforts to stride forward. Yes, sometimes it feels like we slip back a step for every two we take forward. It is a 'tough slog'.

I wish to comment on relationships, romantic ones in particular. It sounds like an eternity but I was 49 before I found myself in a healthy relationship. All that time I had been trying in earnest. Consequently, I looked for it and found it in the wrong places. I have been emotionally a wreck most of my life. I understand the bullying (I also have PTSD), the depression, the anxiety. Most of all, I understand the inability to fit in.

The biggest difference between the lonely person I once was and the person I am today is that I have instilled in myself some self-worth. Excellent therapy (CBT) is behind this. But, I also made an effort to stop trying to be the person I thought others wanted me to be. A healthy relationship is what followed.

When it comes to this person you are interested in, BE YOURSELF! Please don't fall into the trap of trying to be the person you think they want

Observation is your best tool when it comes to learning social skills and behavior.

I want to point out you have an incredible gift for prose. In my opinion you have a mastery of the written word. I am wondering if we can put this gift to good use. Consider that person (yourself) who eludes you - those criteria you feel are positive in this imaginary individual. What of these criteria do you already possess? What can you attain? What of your own traits can you even celebrate. Is there any of this person within you? Now set your goals accordingly.

[Gojamadar]

Hi DWR3,
Nobody is perfect. Your biggest problem is that you're too intelligent.
At your age you have 4/5 of your life infront of you. Ignore your own perceptions about your faults and health problems.
Your best course of action is to aim to be writer/ novelist. If English is not your first language; where did you learn to write so good?
If you can get some financial help, it is not too late to try for a university place. You will be famous one day!

Hi dwr3,

I skimmed through your post, and I sensed it resembles my life very much, so I read it carefully again, and I think, with some difference in details here and there, as if you wrote exactly how I feel and what are the challenges I face everyday in my life. But I would change your last sentence to: I either be passive and ignored or aggressive.

I think I have ASD because I don't read the social cues (body language). I invade spaces I shouldn't invade. I say things I shouldn't say. I don't make eye contact. But I also cannot focus virtually on anything (unlike you as you said you can be hyper focus, at least on something), and not organized. I think these latter issues are attributed to ADHD. I also suffer from anxiety and later developed depression, which make all of this a compound problem to me.

The robot analogy is exactly how I see it. As if there is no essence to it. No emotions to my actions. Instructions to be followed at the intellectual level only.

The daydreaming is something I suffer from, too. I always imagine scenarios and situations, and engage in self-talking, sometimes for as long as 20 minutes and more, with all the possible reactions you can imagine, but mostly the outcome is anger and frustration.

Perfectionism is a problem with me, too. I want everything to be either perfect, or I don't want it. I want to be a great person, or no one. I cannot accept being mediocre or average. These white-black dichotomy dominates my life. I don'e see gray areas.

I'm also impulsive. Very quick to react, mostly in anger. Not a fan of small talks, too. I like intellectual discussions on topics I know about. But small talks ... no thank you. I'll pass, and this probably makes me seen as rude. But even with intellectual discussions, it seems that I cannot engage properly. All my focus will be on the topic, with little or no regard to others reactions and opinions.

I also feel trapped in my situation, and the only way out is acting, to put a mask and act. I don't believe I can change myself essentially. My mind just doesn't work as others do. I don't perceive the world as they do.

I cannot relate to men and make friends, let alone talking to women. Not as if I didn't try, but it was disastrous that I began to be very careful not to initiate a talk with any woman ever again.

Sorry, didn't mean to make it about myself, but I noticed you didn't have particular questions, and I thought to share how I relate to your story.

About the university, how does it work in your country? If you don't do well in math, and do well in literature and writing, why cannot you go that path and major in literature or something close?

[dwr3]

Thank you for your replies, guys!

If English is not your first language; where did you learn to write so good?

I've been using it constantly for over seven years now, it's my favourite language for doing research and reading and I have a great linguistic memory; perhaps it's a small recompensation for my lack of other skills

About the university, how does it work in your country? If you don't do well in math, and do well in literature and writing, why cannot you go that path and major in literature or something close?

It's very simple: There is only one type of exams you take here in order to go to uni. At the end of high school, you take a set of national tests (they are all the same in the whole country). The basics ones are your native language, Maths and English. Apart from that, you also can take some extended exams (Like I did, I passed quite well in my native language, took extended English, Philosophy and Biology).

If you don't pass any of the basic exams, you don't qualify for the university admissions and - what's more - if you won't get a positive grade (you can take it twice a year) in five years time, all of your grades from the other subjects are deleted from the system and you need to start the whole process again. There is not much help for the students with learning disabilities, they must take the exam in the same form as everyone else. Most of the time, people who don't pass basic exams in any of the subjects have poor educational skills in general. Still, going to university here is not something unusual, nearly everyone is or has been studying something. Due to the demographic decline, universities take everyone that was able to pass the basics. So often it's not like I feel I miss something very important.

[MickeyCheeky]

I don't have any advice to give you, unfortunately; but I feel your struggles and I can relate to some of them. Just know that here we will listen to you and won't judge you.

@dwr3: I know some countries which have qualification exams have sample exams available and even courses for that exam for students to prepare, but if you don't feel like going to the university is important to you, then maybe you can focus on something else you find interesting to you and promising, like writing or making art.

[dwr3]

I already had courses and private teachers, both at school and outside of it, but they just didn't manage to teach me anything apart from statistics and probability measures. Surely not geometry and other spatial-visual stuff. I battle Maths problems since primary school and I had to work on it a lot through my educational career, otherwise I wouldn't even finish high school (had issues with it, had to take an additional exam to prove I don't have to repeat the last year. Took me 3 months to learn like 12 different equations. Concerning the fact I barely can read the clock without putting a lot of effort and have issues with everything that requires not standardized actions, well, it was hard for me. I think it's something I will give up on because I'm just tired of it and I've tried enough (Never really gave up on anything like that before and if I do, then it means I just can't do it. I'm usually very motivated, the same situation took place with my drivers licence: I took 80 lessons instead of required 30 and instructors telling me I won't do it because they judged me as severe ADHD case, tried exams over and over again 12 times, finally passed: even though I decided not to drive after trying it in real life)

It makes me sad that my family has never done anything serious with my issues. I mean, they never got involved or engaged in it. My mother was just like "oh, I feel you, I too had problems, hope you'll manage, what can I say to you" and my father gave me money for the private teachers and told me to find some, but he thinks I have a weak mind and just didn't try enough and was overly anxious. But it was always like this, even when my issues got so severe in primary school I kept saying I want to kill myself and had terrible panic attacks because I felt I'm not as able as other kids. They literally did nothing, mother was only like "I had a terrible childhood and managed, you can too. Apart from that, you haven't seen any real problems yet". I had a speech disorder aged like 4 or 5 and was going to speech therapist, but only for like 4 times, then nobody felt I need it, I was complaining I didn't want to, and eventually they stopped taking me. Now I still struggle with performance skills and whenever I had written something good and teacher wanted me to read it aloud, I wasn't able to and my speech is pretty messy in general.

And now I see all these parents bragging about autism, learning deficits, sensory integration, taking their kids to therapies of all kinds, getting them loads of extra help and I kind of envy them (not completely, but sometimes).

Perfectionism is a problem with me, too. I want everything to be either perfect, or I don't want it. I want to be a great person, or no one. I cannot accept being mediocre or average. These white-black dichotomy dominates my life. I don'e see gray areas.

Oh, that's so true.

I didn't post a question before, but now I may have one or two.

Two things that also bother me:

1. I fear men and feel a great discomfort around them, even the friendly ones. Men in my family were mostly angry and dominant, not acting with respect. I was shouted at constantly and put down for any mistake. One of my family members living in the same house was also physically dangerous. Also, since I've lost my weight and changed my style for more feminine, it happened that men started to be creepy and abusive towards me (including my driving instructor). Now, I have two creepy guys at work (and there were some situations also like bus driver and one of the bodyguards commenting heavily on my physical features and making some wrong suggestions) and they just make me so uncomfortable and panicky and I just need to deal with it as soon as possible. That leads to point two.

2. Boundaries. Is it possible for me to set appropriate boundaries, despite my anxiety and issues with not standardized, flexible behaviour? How to do it? I was never taught to have a right to boundaries and how to set them. My parents and other family members don't have it. My father doesn't care for consequences of his words and actions, my mother is extremely narcissistic and intrusive (just like her mother). When I was a kid, they were forcing me to share stuff I didn't want to share, to mess with my animals and my things and my everything, for example when my mother's brother came along with his son and wife. He was terribly brutal and insensitive with my pets, his son kept destroying my stuff and I was punished for reacting with anger to that. My mother made me borrow my bike and stuff like that to some strange kids I didn't know who just asked for it, she was telling me to kiss little boys because it was fun to her (I mean, it happened once and the boy actually bit me). Just some examples from childhood years. I never had my own room until I was 14. Even now, when I tell them that some men act inappropriately towards me, they just laugh it off.

Maybe you can take a break, and do something else for a while, and then try again. It's frustrating when keep doing something and get the same results. The problem in modern societies is that they have standard way of life. They don't accommodate different people. They want people to conform. I suffer from attention problems, but not as severe as you described. By the way, I have the opposite challenge: for me math is easier than writing and reading literature. I prefer to deal with numbers than words!!

I know what you are saying about parents. My grandfather was tough on my father and uncles, so my father thinks he is nothing compared to him, and that we are fine. It makes me wonder sometimes why and how they managed surviving then, but I think the situation was different. The life was difficult, and when you need food, you don't pay much attention to feelings. They also compare me to others, saying why that person is doing fine and he/she is successful... etc. It annoys me when they do that, because I'm not like others.

Originally Posted by dwr3

...

I didn't post a question before, but now I may have one or two.

Two things that also bother me:

1. I fear men and feel a great discomfort around them, even the friendly ones. Men in my family were mostly angry and dominant, not acting with respect. I was shouted at constantly and put down for any mistake. One of my family members living in the same house was also physically dangerous. Also, since I've lost my weight and changed my style for more feminine, it happened that men started to be creepy and abusive towards me (including my driving instructor). Now, I have two creepy guys at work (and there were some situations also like bus driver and one of the bodyguards commenting heavily on my physical features and making some wrong suggestions) and they just make me so uncomfortable and panicky and I just need to deal with it as soon as possible. That leads to point two.

2. Boundaries. Is it possible for me to set appropriate boundaries, despite my anxiety and issues with not standardized, flexible behaviour? How to do it? I was never taught to have a right to boundaries and how to set them. My parents and other family members don't have it. My father doesn't care for consequences of his words and actions, my mother is extremely narcissistic and intrusive (just like her mother). When I was a kid, they were forcing me to share stuff I didn't want to share, to mess with my animals and my things and my everything, for example when my mother's brother came along with his son and wife. He was terribly brutal and insensitive with my pets, his son kept destroying my stuff and I was punished for reacting with anger to that. My mother made me borrow my bike and stuff like that to some strange kids I didn't know who just asked for it, she was telling me to kiss little boys because it was fun to her (I mean, it happened once and the boy actually bit me). Just some examples from childhood years. I never had my own room until I was 14. Even now, when I tell them that some men act inappropriately towards me, they just laugh it off.

You must have added this later. I didn't see them when I responded. It doesn't sound like you had a heavenly childhood. My parents always told me to be grateful because of everything they did, but to me personally, all they did was caring for us physically. Otherwise, we were treated like animals. Actually, I think my father thinks he buys my freedom in exchange for his caring and expenses. It's outrageous.

Decent men will know the boundaries from your reactions, and of course will never make inappropriate remarks. Otherwise, you need to get someone involved, because those men who make inappropriate remarks don't respect the boundaries. Maybe being around people will prevent them from continuing that.

Do you think you can do anything legally against those men who make inappropriate remarks randomly? In the workplace, there should be someway to deal with this more easily. Have you tried to talk about this to your manager, for example? If your parents don't take you seriously, tell someone close who does. I imagine it's not easy and nice to deal with these things.

[dwr3]

There is one guy in particular now that bothers me and I will go to the manager but first I just have to tell him that I do not appreciate the way he speaks to me myself, because what's he's doing now is pretty subtle and I don't want to be too quick on this. I know many women even appreciate this kind of behaviour but I don't (for example, when the bodyguard was commenting on my eyes during break and showing openly his attraction, I raised my voice then, maybe not too good, but it worked).

The thing with the bothersome guy is: He started working there like two weeks ago, I met him at the bus stop, was in a good mood, told him about the job. He was way too sweet, his voice, constantly smiling, my paranoid soul just screamed inside. So, I talked to him for like two minutes and then, on the bus, he proposed me his coffee. I said no, thanks, because I don't drink coffee in the morning and will have some in the afternoon: "Oh, so you gonna go and pay for it?" "I can afford a cup of coffee, but it's free anyway". Then, on the way back, he asked me my name and kissed my hand which is rather old fashioned here. I had my working clothes on me and he started criticizing and commenting on how I forgot to change: "I didn't. I don't change my clothes after work". I found it really annoying that he's giving me lectures and trying to teach me, he sounded overly dominant. For the goodbye, he said "Oh, so see you tomorrow" and used my name in a diminutive form. Then, each time he was at work on my shift (he works in a different section) he would just, for example, come from behind me and be like "Oh, so you're here! Look! I found you" and kept calling me, like, with a pet name of some kind. At the beginning he would also rush to open me the door, even if he was far, far away and walked behind me. Now, every time he sees me, he's using his baby-talk and just be like "Abbieeeeee!" (fake name) "Here you are!" or bothers me just to ask me if my hair wasn't longer and what have I done to them. Mostly I just ignore him and just give up on him because I don't have time for this stuff, I'm at work. Also, whenever he comes to the bus stop, he says like "Hello" to everyone but has to mention me separately, using this annyoing baby talk of his. His behaviour is not as obvious as, for example, a bodyguard commenting on my eyes and how sexy are they (I just raised my voice at him and the guy standing next to him just told him something too) but it's far more annoying, like, what the hell is he about.

It sounds like he is the one who has boundary issues. Maybe he is misreading some signals. Guys often mistake female's friendliness and kindness with inviting signals. If you don't like him doing all of this, let him know in person politely but in a confident way that your relationship is purely professional, and you appreciate if all communications between the two of you is kept professional, including using names. I also think the bodyguard remark about your eyes wasn't in its place. Your response was right to show him the boundary.

[dwr3]

Thank you for your reply. I think it would be easier if I had more tools for dealing with people and less hypervigilance and social anxiety. I never feel comfortable around people, like I have no shield that separates me from them and their emotions. I sometimes even plan onto what I'm gonna say in a conversation that's highly possible to happen and only then I feel more at ease. Having spontaneous conversations is nerve-racking for me (not always, but often, mostly when it's a person of authority or someone I enjoy or despise). But I know it will never go away completely, and I problably have to use the desensitization method (which I found about while researching animal behaviorism and training). In the past job, where I also had to deal with the clients, it didn't happen for once that I was feeling completely at peace.

When it comes to my family, oh, it's a long long story full ot twists and turns. Especially from my father's side. Sticking to the topic, my grandfather from father's side is a perfect picture of highly functioning autism (undiagnosed, of course, however it could also stem from purely physical genetic disorders such as vitamin B intolerance - or other one, the doctors couldn't explain his case properly but it's a different story- and androgen issues that I inherited probably from them.). Apart from the behavioural and psychological symptoms, both me, my father, his father and brothers and their mother are characterized by harsh looks and incredibly intense eye gaze sometimes even considered as mean and a "bad-eye" in general and we share some other specifics too. And we're all obsessive-compulsive in nature and this has a long story. The most terrifying example is that my grandfather is so compulsive about saving money to the point he's actually starving himself (even though he has a lot of money) and living in a complete poverty. He was in jail, he is almost never able to communicate properly, and yet he is very intelligent and has an extreme memory and eye for details. It got worse now that my grandmother and his wife died, but it affected her too. His brother was so compulsive about drinking he stopped heating the house at one point and they had to cut his legs off due to gangrene. Let's say we're not an easy going family. But the World War and communism has also affected that, I think.

I feel like that. I'm never at ease around people. Always anxious and my mind goes blank. So, I don't know what to say in informal settings. I wish I can help you, but I suffer from this as well, and I don't know how to deal with it, not just yet.

Many things we inherit from our parents, genetically or behaviorally. We have no control over that. All we can do is to learn how to handle them (I blame my parents a lot, but it doesn't do me any good). It's not fair as not all have the same background and abilities, and it's a difficult process, but we have to try to live our full potentials. I felt much better when I left home (to study abroad), although I still suffer the residual. Probably my parents have their own challenges to deal with, but it was too much for me to bear, although to them we were living in heaven because everything materially was available to us. But it wasn't the case because emotionally the situation was unbearable.

[dwr3]

Originally Posted by Mr. Stranger

I feel like that. I'm never at ease around people. Always anxious and my mind goes blank. So, I don't know what to say in informal settings. I wish I can help you, but I suffer from this as well, and I don't know how to deal with it, not just yet.

Many things we inherit from our parents, genetically or behaviorally. We have no control over that. All we can do is to learn how to handle them (I blame my parents a lot, but it doesn't do me any good). It's not fair as not all have the same background and abilities, and it's a difficult process, but we have to try to live our full potentials. I felt much better when I left home (to study abroad), although I still suffer the residual. Probably my parents have their own challenges to deal with, but it was too much for me to bear, although to them we were living in heaven because everything materially was available to us. But it wasn't the case because emotionally the situation was unbearable.

Well, if the situation was emotionally overbearing to you, you had all the rights to leave. Do you suffer from social anxiety or something different?

A psychiatrist I wen to alluded that I have anxiety, which I think it's true because I get many anxiety and panic attacks. But this was in the context that I couldn't focus in my study, that's why he didn't mention social anxiety because we didn't discuss my relations with people, but definitely I have symptoms of social anxiety, although it's not severe to be fair. I also suspect I have ASD because I cannot relate to people and read the social cues. These are the things that relate to the social life. But all of that doesn't matter. I'm trying to cope regardless of the label. I used medications just once for ADHD as a trial and error, but I'm not planning to take any. So, really I'm not seeking a diagnosis. I just need to address the symptoms.

[dwr3]

I had a huge crisis today at work, where I almost felt like crying. Apart from strong hierarchical system that I don't seem to fit in and the constant The Big Brother Is Watching thing (it's a huge corporation and we're constantly controlled) where I'm not sure how to act always (for example, when there is no work to do and people can go and talk a bit but still there is a pressure bc you need to pretend to do something and you never know how far you can go), well, I had, again, come to conclusion that I feel like there is a glass wall between me and other people.

But now I now it's also because, like, many people approach me and they're friendly and nice, but no matter how much I try, I just cannot bounce this energy back. It's mostly because of my harsh expression.

What do you mean "harsh expression"? What are your thoughts when around people?

[dwr3]

By harsh expression, I mean, harsh expression. My congenital hypothyroidism and pseudohermaphroditism make my voice harsh and generally I don't look like a typical woman or girl. My posture and movements are bit stiff.

Recently I felt pretty numb and depressed, partially from constantly changing shifts and typical jet lag that make it harder for me to control my hypothyroidism, partially because social interaction is not just a task I can quickly overcome and I'm a purely a short task-managing person.

My parents have been fighting much more than usual last days and it made me think how hard it is to manage human relationships while being a certain type of person. I see it with my grandfather and I see it with my father. He is less autistic than my grandfather, but still is completely obsessive-compulsive when it comes to personality. He shows no emotions except for anger and that's something we kind of share. For example, when his mother and my grandmother died around two months ago, his behaviour and attitude hadn't changed for a bit. No sadness, no anything. Joked as usually. It was only during a funeral when he cried a bit and it was because other people were too. And I was like that too, then. He is very controlling and in need of constant 100% certainty of everything. He does not accept errors or that things and people are not black or white (that's why he criticizes them constantly and calls them names, because he doesn't realize that he's way is not the only way). Diagnosed with depression and social phobia when young. He doesn't understand the concept of privacy (he seen no problem with me living with them in one room until I was 14 or 15) or boundaries and feels it's okay to be verbally aggressive when something is done not the way he would do it. When I'm home, for a day off, for example, he would follow me big part of the time to check if I put the glass the right way on a table, put something away, boiled the water enough, didn't pull too much water pressure in the sink, etc. He is blunt, doesn't see a problem with saying he only married my mother because he felt obligated too because I happened and he wanted another kind of life. Doesn't take responsibility easily. There are huge fights over managing money. My mother, on the other hand, is zero logical, purely emotional, quite immature person with submissive attitude. Still, I communicate much better with my father than with her.

When it comes to work, I had a plan for managing social interactions, but it doesn't work well.

The plan was pretty basic and simple:

* Saying "hi" to people in order to make them feel you acnowledge their presence.
* Reaching for the right people who are actually able to do something in a particular situation in order to avoid unnecessary gossiping and criticism.
* Asking interesting, yet not too prive or intrusive, questions instead of usual small talk stuff.
* Keeping physical distance, touching people only when permitted.

With saying "hi", I'm fine when it comes to certain people. But, I mentioned the boy who was incredibly interesting, beautiful and appealing to me. He used to come by and talk to me a lot, even though I've seen that sometimes things I say or do are bit confusing. Now he stopped, but it's also my fault. Whenever I feel like saying "hello", I just freeze and can't do it, so I just look very ignorant. Still he catches my eye when he walks around a lot, but I try to avoid staring as much as possible. I'm too afraid I will get rejected for my way of being and behaving. My behaviour now, I'm sure, seems even more unnatural. I feel I got to let go people who I find interesting, because I never managed to go on with relationship (not in a romantic way, just in general) anyway. I'm sending the "I'M SO WEIRD DON'T APPROACH ME PLEASE" signal, whether I want it or not.

The small talk is always terrible and there is a lot of it, because we often don't have the work to do, so we just gather in groups. I mean, after a few minutes I get so bored I basically drift away with my thoughts, like I always do when something is uninteresting. I don't even have anything to ask other people.

I'm fine with the physical distance, but there's a problem on the other side. So, I have this female co-worker who I started working close by and so she labeled me as "her person" and her fav co-worker. She already invited me for her wedding along with other co-workers, I offered to take the photos. And she's the kind of person I always seem to appeal, who need someone permissive and indulgent and are pretty critical and talk in monologues. And she can be pretty exhausting at times and I think I need to talk to more people than just one. But nevermind, the thing is she is also a touchy-feely type and constantly catches people from behind, hugs them, takes their hand, including me and other co-workers. And I know I will soon get exhausted. She lately made a comment on me being weird and also, it's hard to describe, cause I just said something and she said something and the word she said she used for a word-play and made this very aggressive-sounding joke on sexuality and homosexual tendencies and it just pushed me off so much, but no point in analyzing it. I wonder why I always end up getting along with people who don't interest me but are available, but not with the ones who I wish to interact with.

The guy you like, doesn't he come and talk with you in the group when you have nothing to do? Start with him as a co-worker to test the water. You don't have to go the stage where he might reject you directly. We all get scared when we try to talk to someone we like. It's natural.

[dwr3]

So I did. It was fine. Yet my feelings have changed recently and I have few issues.

First is about the job. Most people are like, they're stressed at the beginning of a new job etc, then they are not because they get used to it. I don't get used to stuff. I'm okay with entering a new workplace, getting to know everything, it's always a challenge, but I'm usually very motivated and reward myself, for example, for finishing the first month or a week at work and "surviving" it. I like managing short tasks. I mean, I am anxious at the beginning, but it's a different kind of anxious. And now I have the perspective of having to stay there for, let's say, next three years. I already know what I have to do, how I do it, what are people like, how I should behave and I just feel an extreme kind of pressure. I hate planning long term. The longer I am at a particular place, the more is expected of me and the more fobias and fears I face. For example, I'm worried about having a nervous breakdown, acting out, getting sick at work, etc. At the beginning I still had the occassion to say "All right, this is bad, I'm not staying there" and now everyone sees that the job is fine and my parents are starting getting used to me paying for the flat etc. What's more, some people even got used to me and this creates a pressure too. I'm not sure if it's clear and understandable what I'm saying, but for now I cannot explain it a different way. Things are getting more stressful to me once they get obvious, clear and they're in a long time perspective.

The second thing is with people and my tendency to look at them only through rational analysis. I often have issues with social cues, but I'm generally really good at judging others and making right assumptions. Especially from afar, when I'm just an observant. And I wish I was sometimes wrong. Of course I'm now speaking mostly about some people I just met or I know them only for weeks or few months, because - when it comes to my friends - I kind of trust them and don't feel the need to constantly analyze them and judge them that much, I know what I can get from many of them and how they are. But, what I mean, is, for example, that guy who I wrote about who had no boundaries towards me and he was following me and was pretty intrusive:

When I was first talking to him, my thoughts were right away this: "Oh, he is creepy. He smiles constantly. What did he just said? So authoritarian. He's intrusive, clearly. Not very good with women, he scares them away. Wait, what? Pretends to be nice, but in fact despises women and wants to control them. Not very intelligent." etc. and then my thoughts are this "Oh, you're so paranoid, maybe it's not like this". But I know it is. And then I accidentaly saw his facebook status and he was writing like an idiot something abusive about other women, calling them sluts, frustrated with them ignoring him, words on a very low level. So I was right. I don't care about this guy, I'm just giving an example based on his person.

And then the guy I enjoy. Once the emotions have gone down a bit, I started to analyze his behaviour, observe the way he acts, it's just automatic whether I want it or not. Of course I know people do this, too, but maybe not so fast. And it's like "Oh, why is he so unkind to this male co worker? Why does he say that about the job? He's easily frustrated for sure and maybe he is not as good socially as he appears. Maybe he is not that nice at all." etc, etc, etc... It's just, it kind of devoids me of fun in social situations. My mind constantly gathers information and makes associations. I'm INTJ in a Briggs-Myers personality categorization, by the way.

I'm also sick right now and have a break from work. There were some small changes in my blood tests, I happened to also have my allergy worsen and some infection and I just panicked and stayed at home, which I'm not comfortable with, because I hate getting out of rhythm.

And there's just another thing about my family, which is rather disgusting (although not shocking) to me. I swear that my family should pay me for the next 250 years of therapy, they are so weird they fall out of my understanding system and make me believe I will not go anywhere with this set of genes.

As I said once, my family from fathers side is and was generally extremely autistic, aggressive, violent even, terrible in social relationships. Especially my grandfather, the one who is clearly an autistic person, who can't speak in a normal way, is completely cruel and cold towards others, has no clue about other's intentions and how to act in social situations, makes wrong assumptions, has obsessions about money saving that almost killed him, has been to jail, been thrown out from schools, yet - with all of this - he is very verbal, well-read, has an extremely good memory, was a really good driver, had motor skills like no one, incredible knowledge and it's all just messed up. And my grandmother and his wife (second one) has died just a few weeks ago. And what he did and said today, it has basically ****ed my mind, even though I was rarely shocked by anything he did. Oh, and he is over 70 years old. It's probably their line that I inherited my androgen disorder from.

So, after this few weeks he told my father he wants him to find him a woman. That he will kill himself unless he will have another woman, because he needs someone to talk to, to clean the house, to do everything around him and that he has his sexual needs and he just needs a woman. He also has a disability and cannot use his hands and needs another nurse and he was making this disgusting comments on young nurses and I just couldn't. And I was like, waaait, what the hell? (Still better than his brother being a sexual deviant, but). One thing is that it's completely disrespectful for my grandma who just died, the other is how awful her life with him must have been. I just wish I wouldn't hear that. I mean, I didn't personally, just from what I've heard from my father. But it just disgusts me how little respect they have for women, how awful sexual comments they make and that whole thing. I'm disgusted by sharing these genes.

[dwr3]

Everything went the wrong way. I'm exhausted.

Everyone I knew at work was fired due to the financial cuts. They fired, like, 200 people, including my co-worker, the lovely guy I had a contact with and many other people. Those people were giving me the motivation to stay at work, despite my physical illness and anxiety, agoraphobia. Going there is a huge stress for me because it's like 60 km away from my hometown. And now I'm completely alone and isolated. I started getting very serious infections, so I already been on sick leave like three times.

The workplace has changed too, I mean they broke all the promises and changed the rule of the game completely. Now it's more like a labour camp, where we are forced to work 10 days in a row, with barely any days off in between (not illegaly, though, everything is done as the law allows). The atmosphere is pretty tense, we have to work much harder than we had to in the beginning. I've lost my whole motivation towards this job, it's nothing special now, just like many others. I have a small chance for promotion and being moved to another position, yet it's still the same place etc. I feel like I want to collect as much money as I can get and leave.

I feel pretty down and exhausted and have this constant feeling that I've lost something that goes far beyond the funeral and recent death of a family member. I feel isolated and my bad social skills and social anxiety don't make it much better. I went to a party not so long ago to meet my old friends and felt like we have nothing in common anymore and that I'm not much accepted. I quickly got very drunk because I didn't intend to control myself much and was tired after the long working day and change of shift, I ended up in a toilet, vomiting and crying. I'm overwhelmed.

The job sounds too much stress. 10 days straight!! After that, how many days do you have off work? I cannot handle five working days straight Do you have alternatives to this job?

[dwr3]

10 days straight, then one day off, then, let's say, few days at work, then another day off, it's very messed up, the schedule, very unstable. In order to have more than one day off, I needed to take a leave once. To get there for the morning shift, I have to get up few minutes after 4 in the morning. I have some alternatives now, but they're very much similiar. I mean, I live in the area when the only job you can get is in the logistics. It's an Amazon kind of thing. The money isn't worth it, even though it's a bit above the minimal wage, I still cannot afford renting a flat and making a living, buying and maintaining a car etc.

[dwr3]

I had some issues recently regarding my dysfunctions.

First of all, I was having a job interview inside my company and, generally speaking, I met the criteria required for this particular position. There was this HR guy and the manager. So, we were talking and going through my curriculum and it says my English skills are basically advanced (It's not our native language). So they asked me about it and I was like, yeah, I'm almost bilingual, I'm good at this language, use it on my daily basis etc. So, of course, they decided to test me, but in speaking, not in writing. And there's this huge, extremely huge gap between my performance skills and writing skills, no matter what language I use. They asked me some detail about my education and I kind of managed to mumble something, like one and a half of a sentence in basic English and that was it. It was really embarassing, like I was lying about my skills. Another thing is that, while my working memory is almost non existent, I actually started talking about my terrible visual spatial skills at one point (not, like, all of a sudden, it was related to something, but still unecessary for me to talk about and made a wrong impression). Also, I was asked about some specifics of my education and my mind went blank and I literally didn't remember anything I should say. So, all in all, I didn't get the job and it just ended up with the manager gazing at me in a weird way each time he sees me or turning his head around. So so.
Also, my job is basically 365 days a year thing and I work really hard and hardly can concentrate on anything different. The money isn't great and I found out I have terrible issues with relating to my off-work friends and people in general. I mean, I work hard to earn not so great amount of money, already have two years of job experience, while people I know, they are basically raised in a bubble, still studying, never had to work, they parents buy them everything, rent their flats, maintain their cars etc and it makes me really jealous and a bit hostile towards them. I'm trying not to play a martyr, but my life experience is so different from theirs I just have problems with accepting this.