only words

I have episodes...from my brain injuries....and injury at brain stem...I can turn my head and lose my hearing...I can turn my head...and my sight wobbles...I can turn my head...and become lost...to my own humanity....I have just had one of those episodes....that lingered for days...living a hell....and the aftermath....a dullness...and a body drained.....and a mind...wondering....

So often...so very often....I am not even sure what I feel...or maybe it is how can I feel....I feel everything...yet I feel an absence.....creating this underlying wrenching sorrow....I weep internally....wondering for what....is the knowing more that I can comprehend...or it is a protection....that holds a wall....or is it nothing....I hear the words I love you....I love you....I love you....empty of any value....yet I never reach out...so what is there to love....their memories....is that what they are loving....that someone who they hold in their minds as a Being....even though it is not the being that I am....is that the answer....

I don't know how....I don't know how....my life is aloneness....it is everything it is nothing...it is light when I look through my door...the garden beckons...there is wonder and life bursting....and I know this is my heart's effort shining....and yet that same open door.....is closed...that light and growth is my darkness stunted....collapsed on the self.....this writhing emanation.....of silent tears....a well of flooding sorrow...for what am I weeping...I am so tired.....

I'm sorry. I want to comfort you but I don't exactly understand what you are saying to me. I hope you feel better soon.

Thank you....and I don't understand myself either.....I am in confusion...I can't grasp into understanding.....I did speak to a friend who is a therapist yesterday for about 5 hours...okay that is love....I just wish I would have recorded the words shared....it is as if there is no holding of wisdom in my brain...thank you for your response....and thank you for being there on the other end of my words....it was difficult to set my fingers to the keys.....I had such a wish to fling my mind away.....
Thank you....

Thank you....I have a bit of trouble seeing or processing through the visuals....and then they move...it is hard for me to track.....yet I was aware that you placed yourself into my space upon this screened spot.....and it was a kindness....then as I went to reply....I see the words into what you offered...
sad hug....yes...sad hug.....Thank you....Thank you.....

I'm so sorry Mc2ed!

You describe something that sounds like a foggy bad dream and when you emerge all you can feel is emotion. I find that my emotional memories stay with me longer than exact details (every word spoken, etc.). Emotions are a blessing when we remember love, joy, and being out in nature too, but a curse when remembering sad and scary things.

I find your writing touching because it mostly conveys so much emotion. I hope you are able to return to the garden, light and love frequently.

Your friend sounds wonderful--if he/she has a smart phone, they might be able to make a recording for you if you ask.

Take care of yourself,
Hoping

Hello.
I found what you wrote to be so beautiful and tragic and touching and honest.

If you have more thoughts like these. Please share them/get them out there/publish them/blog them.

I know they are not meant as any sort of creative endeavor. I know you are communicating. Please don't be offended by my reaction. They are in no way meant to devalue your feelings and emotions.

I wish for peace for you, and everyone here.

I just feel like I can't breathe....nothing is stopping the air from lifting and rising...with in my lungs....it is there...that steady heartbeat...filling life into me.....the drawing of breath...it comes it goes...a pattern inherent....yet I feel like I can't breathe......

I am in stillness.....yet there is a part of me panting....gasping...the heart of me aching....reaching....stretching....standing aloft....on some sterling quest......straining....every limb extended...just a bit past possible.....the effort...a panic.....of all that is within.....only....ONLY....there is nothing at the end of my reach....

Why do I purpose this......it rises....from some empty grave...and holds like a root.....or is it the vine....that has no destination...it just grows...springing into space...on the cellular whim...of something arriving to cling to...only to grow over...and beyond...still reaching...no destination....just reaching....forever reaching.....for what is just past now......which is nothing....there is nothing past now....

In the now....I sit mining words to a screen....this is the spot...I would be known....just a vine...finding somewhere to cling....I hang my head....

Perhaps mining words distracts you from focussing on your breathing. When I've had pneumonia, it was hard to sleep because my breath was no longer automatic. I would be to focussed on the oxygen monitor to relax. There is nothing better than a distraction. Talking (posting) with someone is a great distraction. Do you listen to music or watch TV?

The human spirit is strong, indeed.

Mc2ed,
I must admit your words are fascinating to me. They paint a picture but have few details but so much longing. You say you have a brain injury. Are you mobile? If you are comfortable speaking about it, I just wonder what your situation is. I was in intensive care for a few days but I know you must have gone through so much more but perhaps you don't remember much of it...

My deepest apologies to you, Mc2ed.

I will continue to read, but I must keep quiet on this thread.

Please just know that I have the greatest respect for you and I hope for only the best.

I do not understand your apology.....you have in no way caused me distress...your words of before...actually gave me 'permission' to open....
some hidden part of me needed that....I have clamped myself down for some time....it was a relief.....for that gift...I would not wish to render you into silence....

I struggle for expression.....It would wound me...to think I was the cause for another's voice to go away....

Oh you are not the cause for my (apparently lack of) silence.

I am...was....transfixed by your words but didn't give the content the gravity they deserve. And that was wrong of me.

I am here. I am listening.

I was born into a very large family.....I live within 20 miles of most of them...There are some that have never been in my home...of 10 years....they drive with in yards of my home...and do not turn in my direction....I didn't have a vehicle for over a year....not one of them offered me a trip to the grocery store...nor checked in...was there anything I needed....I for over a year had no income...not one of my family....offered me a meal....or even a crumb of food...Not one of them...turns their head in my direction....my words are not held in any value.....though when they do see me...they will exclaim how much they love me....I love you so much....they say....as they are walking away......

Do you see that your words...were not about the gravity of my situation...in your mind....Yet in my heart....I read them....and thought...I matter....in some way I have touched this person....she found value in me....in what ever place my mind was resting....even in the darkest part I was shining light on....it had a message....that meant enough....you were given a voice to ask for more........I could only feel you were asking for me....I wept....I did not think of the gravity of my words....I felt a person...reach out to me.....and allow me to open my voice.....I think it is what we all wish for...to be heard.....do not apologize for hearing me.....

I do think...that there is the side of beauty....even amidst the ugliness of life....and that may be what allows our minds to not shatter....even when I was found bleeding and crushed....the memory of the pain....is brushed with the soft hands and voice of a stranger....saying..."My name is Vincent...I have found you....I will help you.".....In that moment of horror...was the most beautiful sound....and the most beautiful man......and compassion won....over pain.....for I felt the love and caring in his touch....more than I felt the pain...

You are far away....and a stranger to me....yet you have addressed my sorrow....beyond what any of my family has touched.....

I am mobile...doctors think I am a miracle....they thought I was paralyzed from the neck down...because of injury at brain stem...I have four shattered compressed vertebrae lower in my spine...also amazed those injuries did not cause paralyzation....I am thankful for that more than anyone could imagine...

I do have great limitations from that though....I spent months in the hospital...and many many many more months in a hospital bed in my home....my memory loss...again...surprised I remember my accident...clearly...yet most of my life was gone from memory....disconnect to emotions and emotional connections to family.....the history of them was gone....enough years have passed that there are now memories...in that accumulation of years....I have swirling gaps...of not remembered...years and then some remembered........I have had decades of therapy...in learning to think...and dealing too with the issues that rose from brain injury...I had to learn to process.....I have trouble thinking....trouble with recognition of the reality of others.....that causes problems.....

I try to be aware...in the present.....I often struggle to understand what I am feeling....in the way of placement of experience....it makes more sense to me....when I can see my thoughts...and read them...and sometimes in the sharing....others lead me to understanding in a way I did not before....it tethers me to a point of reference..?....I do not know how to explain...

Thank you for your words to me....

Thank you for sharing so many details. I learn so much from others at PC, including you. In your struggle to understand what you are feeling--your words express emotions more simply and purely than I ever could. What you have felt, I have felt but I could never express it in such a wonderful way.

It is a great blessing to be mobile and amazing how weak we get in when we are immobile in a hospital bed. I was only stuck in a traditional hospital (including ICU) for 20 days and it took me more than 2 years to feel stronger. So I can imagine (to some extent) what the process must be like. A hospital is something you endure only because you must. I hope you don't have to do any more extended stays.....

I am so glad you post at PC. It is funny how that having limitations can make us more thankful for what we are able to do. I hope you continue to get stronger, both mentally and physically. Movement and thought are the essence of life. <<hugs>>

Of course you matter here. I wouldn't like it if you didn't post your thoughts. All of our thoughts matter.

Sometimes. I'll post just so that things are somewhere other than inside me. Thoughts become a burden to keep to myself. Sharing, here, is the only self-compassion I allow myself, maybe.
I believe, from reading here, that many of us think this way. Sometimes, I don't have words of comfort. I hope that it's understood that a virtual hug means that the scream has been heard.

We can't choose our families and I'm sorry that yours have caused you to think you're less than you are. They are wrong. And they are unkind. They will realize this in the end. I believe that.

I do understand what you say about emotions needing a reference point. Good observation indeed...