How do I deal with my feelings?

I avoid dealing with my emotions because I am simply too busy for them. Between work, school, and all of my other responsibilities, I don't want to do even more work by trying to figure out how to deal with my emotions too.

I am a logical person. I am great with computers, math, science, and things like that. I am strong at strategy games and other "geeky" stuff. I could tell you how a computer is made and what every little component does, I can decipher binary code into ASCII characters, I can go into detailed explanation of how any major Sci-Fi, fantasy, or anime universe that interests me and recall parts of the story or facts about them that most people wouldn't think about. Get me involved with people or ask me to try to understand my feelings on the other hand, and I struggle.

I've been focusing solely on getting my financial life in order and working toward my goals in life. Things are going good in my professional and business life, but I still struggle to connect with people. I want to get better at making friends and I want to one day experience love.

I want to be able to deal with my feelings, and I want to be a better person, but it's too hard. I crave connections with other people and it hurts when I see all of these happy couples while I'm chronically unhappy and crave connections with people. I want to become better at understanding myself and other people so that I can become a more likeable person. I want people to accept me. I want to be loved. I don't know how to ask for it or connect with people. Humans are too confusing.

So yeah, I have been a rather crappy person on PC during the last few days because it's clear that nobody will ever care about me so I am taking the path of least resistance. It feels better when I can prove to others how much more intelligent I am than other people or how my cold logic is superior to making decisions based off one's feelings. I can't sate this emptiness inside of me and I can't let people close to me and I certainly wouldn't know the first thing about dealing with my feelings when I have so much energy invested in my daily life that the only thing that I want to do when I am at home is play my game or watch my shows or write code or whatever else because dealing with my emotions is too confusing and hard for me.

If there is an easier way to go about changing, I am open to suggestions. It is clear though that I am not wired to be a people person at all. I should just stick to what I'm good at and leave the socializing for the normies and the extroverts.

I don't think you should change. I haven't been privy to whatever your talking about being bad on the net, but I think it is probably very likely it is the other people who need to change but would never examine their own thoughts feelings or behavior.

They say it all the time but be true to yourself. It is equally likely you could attract someone with your own personality as a "changed" one.

Hi DarknessIsMyFriend,

A few things crossed my mind in order to help you while I read what you wrote. Keep in mind that I'm not an expert on interpersonal relations. I myself have social anxiety and trauma from being treated like crap by other people. But I do try to get out and do stuff like through meetup sometimes, and I volunteer. So I myself struggle with some stuff. and I could probably follow my own advice I'm gonna give you too.

So here are the things.

-don't have high expectations of social situations where you could potentially make friends, but be open to talking to people and helping others if needed. I think that having high expectations, can set you up for disappointment.

-keep a journal. You could write in it like, 5 minutes a day. Or like, once a week even. Write about a situation you experienced and your feelings about it. Recognize that feelings are ok, no matter what they are.

-hone your intuition and learn to trust your gut about situations and people. You seem good at this, to me, actually.

-google is my friend, and possibly yours too. Google "how to make friends," "how to get to know yourself better," or some variation of what you are wondering how to do. "How to understand (your own) emotions."

-realize that personal change can take time, so be patient, and be persistent. If something doesn't work, try something else.

-be kind to yourself. this is hard ****. take breaks.

-consider therapy if thats something that might interest you. The right therapist can be really helpful.

Question. You said that you are very actively involved in your life and very busy. Are you around people a lot too? Another thought that crossed my mind, is that it IS hard. Like, if you're around people for instance, and you're in the groove of NOT talking to them or interacting with them much if at all, it can be really hard to break out of that routine, and its hard to get people to see you differently (as someone who wants to change how they interact, or just someone who wants to get to know these people better). But I will optimistically say I think it can be done. It will be your unique challenge.

I see validity in this too DarknessIsMyFriend. You could have a distorted image of yourself. And really, don't need to change much. I see you, on here, as pretty self assured. That's an asset in my opinion.

I agree with starrysky's thoughts about connecting with others. Continue to play to your strengths and slowly chip away at what you see as your weakness (connecting with others). Sending best wishes and big hugs.

Thanks. I guess what has had me feeling like crap all week is the fact that it is my birthday today, yet I have nobody to spend it with. I couldn't go see my relative because I couldn't make it to the bank to deposit money to buy an Uber or Lyft to the Greyhound terminal to go so him because it has been thunderstorming all morning/afternoon.

I guess I'm just tired of fighting all of the time just to get to the point where I can become a likeable person. I've been fighting so long just to get to the point to where I am now, yet it still isn't good enough. I'm still not worthy of other people that aren't messed up like me and until I get to that point, I am going to continue to be lonely and miserable. That pain will have to be my guide to get ahead in life.

Oh well, it is lonely at the top. Few climb Mount Everast and live to see the view at the top. What I'm destined for is greatness at the cost of my own social life. Once I fight my way to the top no matter the cost, only then will I be worthy of respect and love.

At least, that is what I tell myself to motivate myself to work on improving my life.

I'm gonna tell you, you are worthy of respect and love, right now. You always have been. Everyone is worthy of respect and love, as they are. You don't have to do anything to earn it. Happy happy Birthday .

Thanks for your kind words, however, I disagree.

I'm not at this time because I have nothing to offer anybody. I'm a bitter, selfish individual who struggles to connect with people. I genuinely don't care about the vast majority of humans because none of them ever cared about me when I needed somebody. All I care about at this point is my own self interest. Because I can't connect with people on an emotional level and I'm incapable of seeing past my own selfish desires and loving other people beyond a select few who have actually when out of their way for me, I need some other way to be useful to other people.

Oh well, at least I have Monoamine oxidase, the warrior gene. I will need to figure out a way to properly utilize this genetic advantage that I have over others.

Once I prove that I am worthy of other people, I will get the love and respect that I so crave.

It's cool. It's pretty much just something I read in a book on self esteem. But I do see validity in it. For my own sake, anyway! .

I know that you're trying to help me and I'm sorry that I seem dismissive of your advice.

There was a time when I was a much more of a likeable person. However, several years ago, I sold out to darkness. I was so tired of dealing with abuse and torment every day by my mother on top of never having enough food or being able to take care of myself that I vowed to get myself out of such a situation no matter the cost. I did a lot of shady things and hurt people just to get my needs taken care of. I basically lived a lifestyle akin of a cyberpunk character.

Now, I don't think I'm worthy or deserving of love because of how messed up of a person that I am. All I do is hurt people and push others away who try to help me. All I care about are my own tech-obsessed ambitions in life. Nothing and nobody else matter.

I crave love but I am going to have to find a way to suppress these cravings to fulfill my purpose in life so that I may one day prove myself worthy of other people.

Happy Birthday DarknessIsMyFriend, you are spending some of your birthday here with your PC friends, we ARE real people and care about you.

Thanks.

Maybe I just need to figure out a way to somehow get better at understanding and empathizing with other people.

I appreciate the kindness some of you have shown me here, despite the fact that I'm unworthy of any compassion. It just isn't the same as having somebody in person, ya know?

Besides, who am I going to share all of this ice cream and pizza that I bought today with?

Could it be that you have so much self blame and guilt feelings from what you did out of survival in the past, you won't allow yourself to accept love because you find yourself unworthy of it, no matter what anyone else may say or do to convince you otherwise?

Here's a thought for you.

You are forever telling me I am a good person, even though many times I don't see things that way about myself.

You also keep saying you are unworthy.

Have you considered how many times you have helped me (and I am sure others) to regain some sense of "it's going to be okay"? You say you are incapable of empathy, yet you show me how much it upsets you when I tell you of people hurting me emotionally, that shows empathy. You claim to not be worthy of love.

What makes a person worthy of love?

When a baby is born, most mother's immediately love that child (I say most bc some mothers suffer post partum depression or some other mental illness). All that child did was come out into the world. It hasn't earned any trust or loyalty. It hasn't developed any relationship. There's also the point that even mass murderers in prison find people outside of prison who love them. Love doesn't come with a set of requirements. Love doesn't need to be earned. We are all worthy of love.

As far as you not being good at socialization...so? None of us are at first and you haven't​ had as much experience as the rest of us. Get out there. Get your feet wet. You learn through practice. When people get upset, ask why, explain what you were trying to get across, ask a better way to approach it in future, apologize...and try to do better next time. It's just another learning experience. People are judgemental creatures at times though so you will need to learn to take their judgements with a grain of salt. If you do those things and are persistent with it, within a year or two, you will be all good socially except maybe with dating, and heck..as far as relationships are concerned no two are the same anyway.

I'm not entirely sure of the exact reasons why I feel the way I do, however, if I were to guess, I would say that it's either what you said or me maybe fearing the light or a combination of the two. I don't know.

All I know is that I'm at a huge crossroads in my life. I'm doing well for myself financially. I am making over $400 a month more than my living expenses which is huge for me plus I have at least a few grand coming in next month. If I keep working and saving up money, I could expand on my dropshipping side business and possibly scale it to 6 figures within the next year if I reinvest some of my extra money into it.

This is what I've been fighting for for so long and I long since gave up everything for money including most of my friends and some other things that used to make me happy assuming I could just buy all of my problems away and sate this emptiness inside of me. It is clear that I wasn't entirely correct and the last several years of my life have been wasted. If I could have acted sooner, perhaps I wouldn't have wasted so much of my youth away.

I don't know. I'm conflicted and confused about a lot of things. What I wouldn't give for a mentor in my life right now.

When you are able to forgive yourself then you can forgive others. There may be others that don't deserve your forgiveness but forgiving helps the forgiver more than the people they forgive. Of course, forgiving does not mean you have to associate with the people who were toxic to you. It is about letting go of the past's terrible grip on you. Obviously this is not easy when you have had a rough childhood. But so many people at PC (including you) beat up on theirselves all of the time. I do it too. Go easier on yourself.

Your have to love yourself. When you can forgive your mistakes and imperfections then it is easier to love yourself. You have a lot to offer. No one is 100% good. Everyone has a breaking point. Everyone needs love and acceptance. Insecurities about having the most basic things (like food and shelter) are the worst kind of stress to deal with. It is hard to work on loving yourself during times when you are barely meeting your basic needs. Your life hasn't been easy but you have a plan to improve it. I commend you for this. I actually think you have your priorities in order. There is nothing wrong with putting yourself first so long as you are not hurting others. You have said you have hurt others in order to survive. That is in the past and you need to forgive yourself concerning these things and move on. The fact that you feel bad about it tells me that you are essentially a good person.

Happy birthday! I have had no one to spend my birthday with for years. Mostly Facebook happy birthday wishes but this year since my list is 21 friends it is going to be super depressing.

If you're an INTJ then you should do well with written instructions. Get yourself a copy of How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie. It's a good book for everyone but it should offer you many insights into how people opperate and help guide your social interactions.

Socializing is a learned skill and based on what you've said, it's just not a skill you've been able to get a lot of practice with. If you want to get better at it, it'll take some time and perserverance.

I'm an INTJ as well and incredibly introverted. I dislike socializing most of the time and see my friends a few times a year. I have fun each time but find it incredibly draining. However, as asocial as I am, I used to work in buisness development and sales industry and I excelled at it, often surpassing peers who are naturally social because I put extra effort into understanding people and learning how human interaction works. No reason you can't do the same thing in the future.

Yeah I will probably find a copy of that book either on Kindle or I will see if they have it on Audible so I can listen to it during my long commute during the week.

I'm also contemplating purchasing this video course that I found an advertisement for via an email newsletter that I am a part of. Normally I don't buy into advertising and what not but the guy who makes it is credible. I can find a link for it and let you see for yourself later if you're interested.

Thanks and I'm sorry for being such a drag again. I was triggered for whatever reason yesterday when I made this post, either because this is the first birthday that I ever spent completely alone or the fact that I am 26 now which means that I wasted over half of my 20s now or some other reason. I feel better now though.

Dude...the 20s is for being wasted xD

I guess you're right haha.

I used to not care about doing normal "20 something" things but since starting college and now work and being surrounded by many other students that are in their late teens/early 20s figuring life out and having relationships and what now, it makes me see that I have not had enough experiences as of yet.

I will try to go back and psych myself into thinking how I used to; that I am destined for greater things than an average life and average person activities. I will just have to keep fighting for the type of life that I want no matter the cost.

I've made it this far and things are getting harder for me. I guess I'm doing something right, yes?

Glad you're feeling better. I'm going to reiterate, and pretty much disagree with you. Though, maybe you're changing your mind on this: all people are worthy of love and respect. You don't have to do anything to earn that. Have a great day DIMF.

Do you think it's the fear of change... from having to struggle for what you want to actually seeing it come together? I don't think you wasted anything, you learned life lessons from your past - that makes it invaluable time spent. Life is a constant learning experience, we each learn differently and at different speeds. Just because you are "behind" in one area (socializing), doesn't mean anything. You Excel in many other areas others are lacking in (knowledge, will power, sense of "self", etc). We all have things we need to work on, and things we are good at. You know what you need to work on. That's an advantage. Some people have to have it pointed out to them and even then prefer not to see it. As far as I'm concerned, you've done well for yourself and still are. Keep up the good work and stop being so hard on yourself!

*hugs*

Thanks.

I've actually fairly recently developed my own theory to explain some of my behaviors and thoughts.

I've mentioned that I'm an INTJ. INTJs are notorious for having to think about and plan things that they do. I think that part of the reason why I think the way I do about me not deserving love and what not is due to my goal oriented nature. I need something to drive me to achieve what I want out of life and what better way to do that then to have yourself convinced that you are going to have to fight for and earn things like love, acceptance, happiness, ETC. After all, necessity is the first cousin of invention, yes?

Of course, I could be wrong or I could be overthinking things again, but it is a thought.