Someone please say something!!!

I feel like I'm about to explode, yet no sound can come out of my mouth. I cannot stand to look at myself or my problems, even though I know it's the only way I can get through them. I want to avoid me at all costs, so I sleep all day and numb myself whenever I can't sleep anymore. I know I can't keep this up because i'm unemployed and need to find a job. I'm worried I'll lose whatever next job I get as fast as I lost the other ones because of various stigma and symptoms over mental illness and sexual orientation. I want to self-harm to alleviate this pressure building inside me, but I know better. So the pressure just builds. I don't want to eat at all, because besides seeing myself as fat when most call me skinny, I most importantly find that not eating brings me the most illusion of control over my life, and is also the most efficient way to numb myself (short of alcohol and drugs, for which I also know better). People life and society insist on shoving adult relationships in my face; i can't stand the thought of being owned, accountable, or otherwise chained to someone. I can't stand the thought of sex. I'm glad other ppl can enjoy the thing; I wish they'd let me pretend the whole thing doesn,t exist. I can't get better without confronting; I can't confront without tearing myself apart. i feel useless and guilty for not doing anything productive for myself while getting unemployment benefits. i feel too sick/anxious/depressed/useless to do anything about it. there is no one i can speak openly to and the only close people in my life actively hurt or harm me rather that help, or at least remain neutral. I feel like I'm a lost cause, like there is nothing left inside of me worth saving anymore. I guess my question is: where in this bloody life do I start?

Hi phantom. Welcome to Psych Central. Sorry you are suffering so. What mental health professionals are you willing to see? Psychiatrists can help balance brain function and restore stability with meds. Talk therapists can help you cope with life and find a way out of the difficult situation you describe.

If you do not want professional help please consider life style changes that may help. My eating sufficient protein with a low carb diet helps to allay my weight concerns but still allow the brain adequate resources to function without a crisis mode. Exercise helps me stabilize my energy and restore a feeling of wellness to the body even if my mind still needs more work.

Maybe these articles will help
https://blogs.psychcentral.com/coping-depression/

Living with Depression: A Guide for Coping with Depressive Feelings | Psych Central

Dealing with Depression on Your Own

I am sincerely sorry that you're going through this deep dark hole. I can relate to your suffering because my darkness shows similar characteristics to yours.
It seems to me that your anxiety will decrease once you find a job. Maybe that should be your sole focus? I know it is very hard to do while you are trying to navigate the day overwhelmed with emotions and anxiety, escaping to sleep.
Can you at least spend three to four hours per day to look for a job? I know it is hard.
I was in a very similar situation. And I took the first job I got. I didn't care what it was. My sole focus was to find something that would get me out of the house, to have a reason to get out of bed in the morning. If I had not done that, I would have had continued to numb myself and sleep all day l, which potentially result in unwanted consequences.
When I had decided that I absolutely had to get a job, I acted like a robot because I did not have it in me or I didn't know how to find the motivation. So, I started living like a robot to get things done.
I still suffer immensely, every day. The only reason I am saying this is because I have come to the conclusion that my chronic depression is not curable but manageable if and only if I put in the hard work. I no longer hope for recovery but I hope for being able to manage it so that I could start feeling joy again while navigating life.

Even knowing that someone cares... thanks so much!

I'm so sorry you're struggling Do you have any friends, or family members that can help you looking for a job?

No, but thank you for taking the time to reply. It means more than you know.

Welcome to pc

Hello. Welcome to PC. I care and I sympathize. CANDC has some good suggestions. Start with baby steps (I need to take this advise myself). I hope you feel better soon. Sending big hugs.

I've been there. Depression is a monster. I know medication is not the cure for everything, but when I was in a place like that and I got on an effective medication, I was like, "wow, it wasn't me. All that time beating myself up and it really wasn't me after all." I don't know if that makes sense or not, but depression can just make us feel miserable about ourselves, and we beat ourselves up, seeing ourselves through the eyes of depression.

Please start by finding an antidepressant that will allow you to see your self worth and all you are truly capable of.

Hi, how are you feeling today? I care and empathise.

Sorry to hear about your struggles :/ life throws a lot at us sometimes.

My best advice is to shop for a psychotherapist and a prescriber whom you trust and feel comfortable with.

The many issues you are dealing with probably seem very daunting and overwhelming, but coming from someone who has been through it, believe me, it is beatable. And the best part? It's a lot easier than you think.

Mental health treatment is as easy as pie. It's actually very nice. Plop down in the chair, get comfy, and let it all out.

Thank you for sharing this. Can you elaborate on the last paragraph? I would love to hear your perspective because in my experience, mental health treatment (therapy) has been a tough path to navigate. It is lot of hard work and even harder while constantly anxious and depressed. I am doing the work and i have been seeing tiny improvements and that makes me at peace. But I could not call it easy as pie. I am usually crying when I leave my therapist's office. I do it but it is exhausting.
In any event, i don't disagree with you; however i would like to hear your perspective. It might benefit me. I would take any perspective that would make this process easier for me.
Thank you in advance.

My apologies, I should have elaborated.

For me therapy was a place where I felt safe. I would keep notes of things that would come up that I'd want to talk about, and by the time my session came, I was spilling over. For me it felt very relieving, and even empowering, to work with a professional on my issues. I came to enjoy it, and as I applied what I learned into my life, it was all worthwhile. I found that when I was comfortable and I felt heard, understood, and empathized with, it was very easy for me to open up and tell my therapist exactly who I was and what I was going through. I would even talk about things that I was ashamed of, like my misogyny (past, I am no longer a misogynist, I am now a feminist) and my sometimes narcissistic personality traits, and even people who I had emotionally abused, or who emotionally or physically abused me. Things that I didn't like about myself, or things that I normally dare not speak of. Things that I was holding in. In the warm, caring environment, I could talk about them very easily. Much more easily than talking about them, say, with my mom, or one of my friends, etc. I suppose what I'm trying to say is that if I foster a good relationship with a caring therapist, it is much easier to talk about things that I normally wouldn't talk about. And as that trust is built, it gets easier. The work itself can be difficult, which is what you're talking about, and I agree. I was speaking more about the relative ease with which I "let it all out." My apologies for being unclear.

By "easier than you think," what I mean is that, when faced with overwhelming depression, my problems seemed insurmountable. When I actually began doing the work, I found that this was not the case.

Hi! I'm feeling a little bit better, thank you. I still have very low energy and motivation, but I've been able to get a few little things done. I think maybe the new antidepressants are starting to kick in a little bit. I'm still on a relatively low dosage so we'll see. I'm seeing my new doctor again later this week. After encountering so many horrible--horrible--so called professionals, I am supremely grateful for this competent, caring, motivated doctor. I've only seen her twice so far but first impressions are amazing. We are also looking for a more specialized therapy resource as well, but that probably won't be available to me for a few weeks. Meantime, i'm doing my best to hang in there and do things i care about, even if they are very little. Thank you Lolina, and thank you all for your support. It helps more than you know.

Glad to hear you are feeling a little better. Sometimes we have to hit rock bottom before swimming back up again. I'm glad you have a support system in place. Keep sharing here, it helps.

You've gotten a lot of great advice and also found out that people do care! Sometimes that can be the greatest motivation to make changes in your own life, simply realizing that other people care! This too shall pass may seem trite or insensitive but its the best advice I have. Attempting to stay positive is your part of the process! Best wishes for you seeing your way through this.