How to stop feeling dirty about sexual things i regret?

YOO sorry for asking you all so many dumb questions. Just, everyone on here seems so experienced and maybe someone can give me their tips.

Don´t tell me i´m silly or that i should just accept the past, i refuse to accept the past and i just need advice on how to forget it, as much as is possible.

This is gonna be long. Also disclaimer, i don´t mean to sound like ”oh poor me” i take full responsibility for how gross i was, and i know horrible things happen to young girls sometimes and i aint comparing this to that.

When i was around 13-14 and 15, i had a habit of talking to old men online. By ”talking” i mean both talking, but mostly having cybersex. And by old, i mean like 50 years old. I met them on tumblr, because i had a softcore pornblog with revealing pictures of myself. Also put my usernames on random websites for sex and literally got undressed for anyone and everyone on camera. They´d send me heaps of penis videos and tell me to do certain sexual acts. I´d do it, feeling a rush in my mind but not feeling ANY arousment in my body. It just hurt and i could be crying at the same time i put things inside of me while they were watching. Sorry for the gross visual.

I feel dirty. Gross. Like a slut. I want to be innocent, pure.
I did it because i was lonely and sad. I liked the attention. It made me feel attractive. After awhile though, i didn´t even like it. I just felt horrible. My evening routine was basically ”cut myself, have internet sex with horny dude online, wake up in the morning and regret everything”

I don´t blame those men at all, they were just old with weird issues and wanted me to call them daddy. I mean it was consentual so. I blame myself though, wish i could turn back time and have those things undone. I hate myself for doing it.
Usually i never think of it, i´ve managed to pretend it didn´t happen. But sometimes things bring it up and.

Basically my question is: How do i forget the bad and disgusting things i did? How can i feel or be pure again?

LMAO was this too heavy for y'all faint hearted *****es?
Edit: Sorry i take that back i was just trying to make a sassy joke

Hey fluffy.

Forgetting is impossible, therapy is your best bet. You have to figure out why you did it in the first place. You also need to repair your self worth so you can stop something similar from happening again.
It is heavy, you need help if you are going to live a happy life.

What are your parents like?

They are really great and they care a lot about me and want me to be happy (i´m lucky i know) BUUUUUT we don´t talk very much about feelings, i never hug them or tell them things about my day. Went to some family therapy stuff to fix this but it didn´t work.

I think i can forget my old gross hoe days if i never think of it and if i swear to never be like that again...

Is it your choice not to hug them fluffy?

I don´t initiate hugs with them, and they don´t initiate hugs with me. I don´t feel comfortable telling them things about my life. I want to make them happy and proud of me, that is all there is.

I went through a brief period at the age of 9/10 of talking to men online (just chatting, no cams) and initiating cybersex with them. I would lie about my age and say I was 18. I now know, many years later, that I started doing this after I was sexually assaulted by a couple of peers that were my age. I have no doubt that these two things are connected.

It is impossible to forget what you did unless you wiped those memories completely. The healthiest thing you can do is acknowledge that it happened, but not dwell on it. Therapy may be helpful.

Eeeek, that sounds dreadful. Sorry that happened. I´m like 75% angry at myself and 25% mad at those men. I did not lie about my age, i told them i was 13 and they were like....it´s bad but.....you´re sexy.....*insert ugly penis picture here*
I did talk about it in therapy but all the therapist did was call my mom which did not help. Why can´t men not be such losers online? (I mean i was too but...)

Hi Fluffy

I am sorry you're feeling so bad about this and and letting you know I care and sending you hugs

SO..........you say you regret it..........you say that you're angry at yourself..........I'd say that a real good starting point would be aiming at a little (more?) self-compassion
Personally I'd say that there's no way you should be taking so much, if any (!!) of the blame for this..........you were obviously lacking something in your life, or had "negative" experiences or had some other reason to maybe to lead you to do what you did, sure there might have been other things you could have done instead of..........but maybe that was the only option you saw at the time..........and the blame bit:
Some of those guys on the site HAD TO HAVE known you were underage when you were 13/14 but instead of saying something like "Whoah!!!!, don't do this to yourself!!!" and even reaching out to you try to give you support in whatever might be going on for you to make you want to do that, some of them INSTEAD gave you encouragement!!!
Now that IS inappropriate, remember you were even underage to give consent to any sexual acts, sexual consent and in a majority of countries it would be illegal for them to do what they were doing/say what they were saying!!!
And what they were doing/saying with the issues you may have had, were looking for an escape from or something to fill the gap, or maybe even niavety (you were young!!) had to have sucked you further in and beyond those ages..........by the time you felt bad about it I'm guessing that maybe you felt you weren't worth much "more than"??? You didn't like it but you felt this is all...........???
So some (more?) self-compassion??
I reallyfeel for you and what you went through, if you could maybe feel a little more for yourself and what you went through too??
And I absolutely wouldn't see you as "gross", "dirty" or "a slut" in doing what you did, you were, the blame/the shame lies with the people who didn't say "Whoah......."!!!!
And you now..........well I'd say that you have come a long way, whether it feels like it or not, I mean you seem to be valuing yourself to the point whereas you aren't feeling the need to do things like that to feel "valued"..........so massive kudos to you!!!!
It can be majorly hard to get to the point you're at now, after having your self-esteem lowered so much that you were still needing to do things like that online despite the way it made you feel.........so from me.........real respect!!!!!
And again...........some more compassion for yourself and who you were then, hey??
Plus some pride in how far you've actually come from there, things still might not be "easy" at times, but.........



Alison

I think you just need to forgive yourself, because it sounds like you are judging yourself for it, and move on. Acknowledge that it's something you used to do, but you don't anymore, you have higher standards now, and want to have healthy relationships, and just recognize that it happened and it's done.

Part of forgetting it and moving on is accepting it.

I'm quite a bit older than you, but when Twitter first came out, I was one of the first to join. I used to meet up with men and have one night stands. I see now how foolish and dangerous that was, but I don't regret it. That's part of what I was going through and needed at that time. I accept that I'm different now and what happened in the past does not define me today. It does not make me dirty.

I'm also an exhibitionist and have had sex in public places a lot. I still do. I know some people would call that slutty or whatever, but I have only ever done it with a committed partner and it's exciting for us. I don't care what other people think about it.

It's only your opinion of yourself that matters.

Seesaw

Thank you so much for your thoughtful reply. You make a very good point, i should just relax and realize that what i did as desperate 14 year old does not define who i am now. I´ve changed a lot after all.
I am angry at myself but also, the more i think about it, i´m angry at those internet men too. I told them my age, i never lied about it. I want to cut them up and burn them in a volcano.

Hey, you're more than welcome!!
But still remind yourself of how strong you have been/are in making it through all of that to the "other side". Absolutely it does not define you, you are so, so, so, much more than any of that but it does say that in the end you have been one of the stronger/more resiliant one's to make it through all of that and hey.........inner strength!!! And again, my respect to you!!!
As for your feelings about the internet men.........completely understand that 1001% but maybe you could try to switch the focus (not easy I know!!) to focusing on just keeping people around you who do genuinely care about you and your feelings and appreciate/value you/treat you in the way that you REALLY deserve??
Treat it as a positive turning point in your life?? You've made it through......shown true strength.......and now your present/future can/deserves to be so much better
And hey, in the hard times, we on PC can also be here for you now!!!

You are so right. All i can do now is just be happy that i stopped using those unhealthy behaviors, i value my body now and i can´t change what i did but i can make sure it never happens again.
Sending virtual hug!

It´s only your opinion of yourself that matters...That was a very interesting phrase that made me think. You may be right. I decide that i feel and am innocent and pure even if i made some mistakes in the past. The person i am now is not that past self. I know the notions of "innocence" and purity might be problematic and oppressive towards women or whatever, but i just mean it for myself, that i personally want to be that.

Fluffy, your desire to please others is becoming apparent as an unconscious behavioural pattern. Even when it comes to your parents.
It is nice to try to make your parents proud but just make sure it is not at odds with who you wish to be. Though, knowing your true self is tricky business when you are struggling as many of us here are.
Someone gave you great advice, take a step away from the computer, from online anything, from the things that you think will make your folks proud, and focus on your own needs and wants.
What is it you want fluffy? And what are you going to do to get that?

Eeeeeeek your reply was great have tears in my eyes
i´m a sensitive ***** oh right this forum does not allow swear words

All i want is to make my parents happy, to be perfect, to love Sir forever, and to create beautiful art.

And to be liked and pet animals and feel happy good feeling but those are not things i am focusing on maybe they´ll come who knows it´d be nice along the way but not my main focus okay i´ll go drink water now i´m sad