Struggling with expectations

Oh I don’t think anyone questioned or argued. I think PhD is very cool, any education is wonderful, I would never discourage anyone to get any kind of additional education! Only because you shared how overwhelmed you are, the question about PhD even came up. But like I said it’s very much desired in certain fields. Good luck with applying! 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

Exactly. I was not trying to question you, Seesaw. I was responding to how you said you felt overwhelmed with everything already on your plate and working 40-45 hours a week. I was just saying what I say to my students (and wish had been said to me) when I was applying to my PhD program. I didn’t know that I’d be putting in double the hours (a PhD is like 2 full time jobs), and that my stress would increase so much more than working a regular job. I’m still glad I got my PhD (I’m a prof now, so I needed it) and wish you the best on your applications. Academia can be wonderful.

Blah, I'm sorry, that came out wrong. I just meant to assure you all that in regards to the PhD, that I had a lot of moving parts that I can't go into detail here so I didn't want to get into a side discussion on that because, without going into depth and breaking anonymity, I can't really say exactly how it all works.

For me, it won't keep me in academia, because of the field and implications for practical use. So I do not intend to stay in academia. Although it's possible that I may keep one foot in academia and one foot doing some lucrative consulting, which is common in this field.

My biggest concern is the original issue with managing my energy levels. I know I can do it, I just have to build back up the stamina. I use to do far more than this, and I did my MFA program, which, for my MFA, was 12 hours a day of dancing and teaching, not really including rehearsals, and then worked on top of that, and somehow also found time to sleep? Plus did homework and had fun. So...yeah, have to think about how I managed all that, aside from the fact that I was younger.

In writing this I realize that even now, I function at a very high level. At my last job, I worked 60+ hours a week. I think it's all about planning, etc. It's funny to talk about this because a lot of what I do now involves project management, which is why I have things so scheduled out, because to make sure I meet deadlines for all my clients and do the things I want, if I don't block out time for each thing during the week, it won't get done. I think managing a PhD program and my consulting will likely be the same way.

I can see right now, in just sussing this out with you all, that there are some changes I need to make in how I manage my time, and I manage my time very well, but I can make improvements that will help my productivity and help me accomplish the things I want to accomplish.

I really think it goes back to that sports analogy of building mental stamina...I wonder if there are any specific exercises you can do to build mental stamina and concentration?

And I need a new office chair. So I can actually be comfortable sitting here for so long every day, lolz.

Seesaw

Hi, I hope you didn't feel like I was questioning your choices too. I wasn't, I just felt like our situation is uncannily similar in many ways so I wanted to give you this warning in case it's anything like that for you with regard to limited work capacity.

I have managed to finish most projects since my post and I'm kind of almost back on track now... But I think it gave me a lesson that maybe I'll finally remember.

Anyway... As for building concentration, when I started working, I had a lot of focus issues, I simply learned techniques first to still do some work while unable to focus well (job-specific techniques so I can't really describe it here), and then over time it all went away simply by practicing just sitting down and trying to focus, mainly by first trying to understand some very simple bits of the job in front of me and once I managed to get a hold of a simple bit, I'd be able to focus a bit better and that would build up. So practicing this, I got back to normal in the last few months.

I'm not sure if you are asking about the same kind of concentration issue here though. If you are asking about how to maintain the concentration once you do already have it... that's a different animal. I have no idea what kind of job this is for you so this will be general, I think practicing focusing on the details in front of you and practicing not looking at anything else is good in general.

But if your subconscious is struggling with unsolved psychological-emotional issues, it does take a toll on the brain to try and keep it all blocked out while concentrating on work. I don't know if that's the same with you. Currently I am thinking of scheduling separate time for trying to deal with my psychological-emotional issues. Sit down for X amount of time and focus on them then (with strategies to bring out the feelings without having to get lucky for that first) and then go back to work.

I'm not sure if I can give any other good advice right now. I just hope you didn't feel I was trying to question anything you are doing or want to do. Let me know.

Yes, this is very similar to what I'm talking about. I guess, if any one is familiar with spoon theory, I'm trying to figure out how to grow more spoons in my day. So it's not just the concentration to do my work, but the mental stamina to do multiple things in one day. And I guess the only way I can build that is to slowly build it up over time. I already do well with working 7-8 hours a day, just doing my job (and that means managing multiple projects), and doing some personal stuff. I just need to slowly add other activities so I get used to doing more.

The good news is that what I do now work wise doesn't drain me NEARLY as much as my old job, because of the political stress and environmental fatigue of my old job. My current work is stressful only in a positive stress - the stress encourages me to complete projects and be productive, but not to worry or feel negative.

Seesaw

Yeah, heard of the spoon theory. Oh, 7-8 hours a day, that's already full time work for you then? This is what you said you are not sure you want to do, or was that more than 7-8 hours a day?

That sounds good.

Then you just need to be able to find a way to do your sports training and art projects?

As for doing multiple projects regularly in a day that you didn't do before - I find the way that works for me is getting used to each one, one at a time, then when it's become habit, it no longer takes resources much. Make sense? Hope this is helpful.

(In my case this currently isn't enough that it becomes habit, because I can fall apart due to the issues I've got so then I have to rebuild back up to the previous functionality level and so on. But when I was more functional before, this is how it worked for me.)

I just spent two days doing nothing. Absolutely nothing. Now, to be honest, going into this weekend I had a good inkling that this would be how I spent it. So I'm not surprised. But I hate spending weekends or any time like this. It's such a waste. And then I judge myself for it.

I wish I could stop judging myself for where I am right now.

Yes, I too wish that you could stop judging yourself.

May be you needed this well deserved break after long months of hard work? And, why, after working as much as you did, spending two days doing nothing is perceived as a waste of time?
Did you do nothing because your mood went down south and you were too depressed to do anything? OR your body and mind were too tired to focus on anything else and you needed to honor their needs?
I guess what I am trying to say is that I don't know the internal struggle, chaos or reasoning that lead you to spend the weekend doing nothing. That might help me understand the situation better.

Call it a holiday.

I would say sometimes doing nothing is not a waste, it can be essential reboot time.

seesaw we are kindred spirits!

I've been running a book consultancy business. A year ago, I worked as a server, was starting my own business (again), drawing, writing a book, and figuring out how to get back into grad school for a PhD. I've done this all several times over haha. Now, I have one client. But I want to increase that (obviously), go back for my PhD, and also have a series of drawings that I want to either showcase or use for designs as part of a business. And write a book. In my heyday I would do all of these thing, physically train like crazy, and push myself.

Being diagnosed with Celiac disease didn't slow me down... yet. I hate the idea of burnout because it makes me feel like I can't do enough. Even now it's super hard for me to take a step back. But I try to remain present in moments when I am taking a breather and appreciate it. I try to remind myself that this is the gift I need to keep on giving, because in small ways it's saving my life.

Barbara Sher and Emilie Wopnick have amazing books for people who want to do it all. These are geared towards time management, prioritizing, and creative brainstorming. Something to keep in mind is that you don't have to do everything at once.

I admire your tenacity and ambition. Preserving that many times means giving yourself way more credit than you do and taking off more time than you thought you need, even if it doesn't natural right now.

Wow, I swear we might be twins!

Right?!? It's so hard to curb the guilt felt from not doing anything. I thrive on it to be my best. It's like being in a toxic relationship with myself. And like many toxic relationships it's difficult to "get out" because it's the same source for self-love and motivation. At least this is how it feels for me.

So this weekend was better than last...I still did a lot of nothing...didn't make it to the park at all with the dogs...but Saturday I went to the shelter twice to get the puppies adopted, and I also, sort of went back and forth between relaxing, watching TV/movies, napping, and drawing/painting. I didn't feel totally useless...still wish I could be more productive. I got one of the puppies adopted out, and once the other is gone, I think things will get back to normal again. My work week was really good, even though it felt like a struggle, when I look back to how much I got accomplished, I'm pretty surprised...So I guess I just need to work towards getting the relaxation I need on the weekends and getting the things I need done, done.

Seesaw

Hmmm I 'do nothing' routinely and just enjoy spending time in a state of relaxation... For me, it's viewed as time well spent. : D

The way I see it, it's not the 'doing nothing' that's the real problem here but your attitude/beliefs/mindset about it - which is responsible for creating the tension & discord that you're subsequently experiencing...

Yes, obviously. The title of this thread and subject is that I'm struggling with my "expectations."

What do you normally like to do to relax?

This sounds like a busy weekend but a fruitful one. And you seem to point out where there'll be room where you have more time to yourself and what you've accomplished. Do you use a planner to keep track of everything?

Yes, I've already said in this thread that I keep a schedule/calendar.

Sorry. I noticed you wrote that initially and I didn't check when I asked.

Just wanted to update everyone that now, a few weeks after originally posting, things have been a lot better in terms of managing energy levels and productivity. I think I was just so worried because I was trying to figure out how to get the high level of productivity out of myself but I think, by learning to be flexible with my time I've managed a very high level of productivity.

Still don't quite have the hang of getting productivity out of myself personally on weekends, and Mondays are extremely painful due to my sleep cycle always getting out of whack on weekends because I end up either collapsing entirely on weekends or, like this weekend, having emergencies that kept me up all night. But I think I'm progressing and getting there.

I've been blocking out all my time at the beginning of each week, including breaks to nap or just sit on my sofa and be anxious/depressed/sit doing nothing, etc. Trips to the dog park, meals, etc. And each day I end up moving things around based on how I feel but I still require myself to do everything I need in that day. So it's weird in that it can mean my day starts very early and ends very late, but I also often get quite a few breaks in the day to rest/recharge, and I'm finding this very successful in managing the chronic fatigue that has plagued me.

Seesaw

Unfortunately I have never been one to plan and expecting myself to do a whole bunch of things. I’m perfectly happy drinking coffee and reading a good book...alllll...day ....long.

I am retired though. I worked for 40 years and enough is enough. Occasionally when I get a bit manic I’ll start 87 projects at once and then drop them. I’m not real good at follow through. The mania goes away.

That being said, you seem to a have a handle on what you’re doing. Just keep it tucked back in your mind somewhere that you need to watch for signs of burn out and be proactive if that starts to happen.

Nice job, seesaw!

I admire you dedication to finding viable solutions.


WC

Thanks, WC. I've been working really hard to manage time and energy properly. I have learned that multiple short breaks can be really helpful, and also to not push them to longer than they need to be. So if I need to step away for a few minutes, then I can, and as soon as I feel like returning, I need to so that I can keep things moving forward. I think I have a sort of addiction to certain behaviors; that may sound weird but so far every time I push myself just a little beyond my comfort zone I find that I can function better. Like if I feel I need two hours to take a nap and relax and turn my brain off...but then I only needed 45 minutes...

I'm find flexibility is key, and it's not really an unreasonable amount of flexibility either. And as I suspected, stamina for work and personal projects is building up over time. I was worried that I was doomed to only being able to accomplish work, and not my personal projects that are more than just hobbies, also side businesses that are very important to me, just as important to me as professional work...but I am beginning to accomplish more and more. I just keep trying to add on a little at a time.

So if two weeks ago it was just to get 35 hours of billable hours completed, then this past week it was to go to the dog park at least every other day in addition to the billable hours as well as some time to work on my paintings...this weekend, I also managed to get in some music practice. Now I have music practice scheduled almost every day this coming week, and I'm also trying to add a few workouts beyond my daily hike.

I'm find I'm more and more able to get more out of the 24 hours in the day, but I still require regular breaks. They are shorter now, which is helpful, but I don't think I'd be able to do all this if I didn't work from home and literally could just walk to my sofa and lay down for 20 minutes then get back up and walk to my desk. It makes me think that all offices in the US should have cots or nice dark rooms for people to close their eyes and recharge for brief periods to increase efficiency and productivity!

In fact, when I think back on the most productive times of my life, when I was putting in a serious amount of hours in grad school and then when I was triathlon training, I had the ability to take short naps. In grad school, my office had a sofa, and I would nap when I had a break between classes. There was a break room in my office when I was triathlon training that had a sofa in it, and I would often take little naps on it too or I would go out to the park and sun myself on a blanket for 20 minutes.

So for now it's working, my expectations feel met, if not exceeding in some ways, and I'm also just trying not to expect too much. Sort of like, I will try XYZ to see if I can get all these things done, if that doesn't work, I 'll be disappointed but I will get back up and try something else.

Thanks!
Seesaw

Great job, Seesaw! There are lots of studies which support short naps throughout the day. I think you are doing awesome!

Do you have any links? I would love to read them!