Should I stay or go?

So, I'm in a DBT therapy group, as probably many people have seen me post about over the past months. I have talked about how DBT helps me. It's true, it does. The past couple of times I was in group, I got triggered. I don't want to talk about the specifics. But last week, I (my nervous system) was so activated (stressed), and for what seemed like so long (on and off for days), that I was worried for my health.

I was considering leaving group, naturally. However I've made a pros and cons list. And there are good points to each thing. It may be something that just needs more time and I don't know yet what my decision will be.

My concern is that its going to take so much energy out of me (the stress from it), that I'm not going to feel like doing anything else. Thats kind of whats been going on since last week.

However, I was also able to get myself emotionally out of the stress this weekend (yesterday), and every week in group is different, and people (the facilitators and some of the group members) are nice and supportive, they have my back, and I just wonder if it might be in my best interest to stay for now, despite a part of me wanting to leave. It wasn't what I was expecting (the pain from group, the triggering, the activation, but also the idea that I may be able to learn from this if I can emotionally deal). Last week I could not emotionally deal. But the pain did go down.

I'm just wondering what people think.

In meditation group, last week, I talked about it, and someone said "maybe it comes down to capacity. maybe you cannot deal right now. maybe you need something smaller to deal with first." This felt true last week. I was hurting so much. But now I'm seeing things from a different light now that I am feeling a bit calmer.

I think it's good to stick with the DBT. You got triggered, which is to be expected at times, and you handled it. Maybe it took some time to get through, but you did, and that's something to be proud of. DBT has its benefits and also its downsides, but overall, it benefits you so I think it's very worthwhile to keep going. Just like any therapy -- it can be triggering and hard sometimes, but it's for our own benefit. I think it's best to not quit things just because they become difficult. Sometimes the best gems come out of sticking with things that are hard. (((((hugs)))))

I agree with golden eve. I think sticking with the DBT will be worth it in the end.

Aww, thank you to both of you. Yes I'm proud of myself for getting through this. It's going to be a challenge. It's funny, someone said to me: "do what you think you can't do." She wasn't even referring to this issue, but I sort of took it as a sign. It's true that it IS hard. And it is not perfect. And my comfort level was like in the negative digits last week. But yeah, I'm just going to relax and rest right now. Have a good night.

I think my issue isn't with DBT but with the group setting. I don't think I have it all figured out and my insecurity makes me more vulnerable. I need to protect myself. Grrr. This is so hard. But yeah.

Group settings ARE difficult. And yes, do protect yourself as much as you need to within that group setting. If they force you to talk, that's not comfortable, and I wouldn't want that myself. But if you are free to share when you feel like it, and if you are free to share as much or as little as you feel like sharing, that makes it a much safer environment.

I had a graduate program that was much like group therapy. We were forced to share our feelings every day, which I resented and hated. And if we shared deeper stories about ourselves, the professors were sometimes not careful about our emotions and triggers. So my advice would be to only open up when you feel safe to do so... if they are supportive like you say, then they will be nurturing.

I actually like group better than individual therapy. But i guess it can be rough for people with social anxiety.

Yes, the facilitators are great. We do have to share every week. But we are allowed to pass if we are not comfortable sharing. However it's not supposed to get like that each week. Sometimes I'm not comfortable sharing, because of some of the other people there. But at least they aren't mean. Like I worry they are judging me. But they don't say anything mean. It still doesn't feel safe to me though. Idk. It's not ideal. But I do not have to decide now.

It can also be rough for people without social anxiety. 🌧

Agreed!

why do you feel that groups are rough? I'm truly interested because I like them so much better than individual therapy. I never felt like therapists really understood me, and the people in my groups do.

Not to answer for her, but group therapy can be tough for many people. People have their individual preferences and sharing openly in groups may not be for everyone.

Hello again KnitChick,


I've seen some clinics offer DBT group in conjunction with individual therapy to support it. I don't know if that's possible for you or even if it's something you'd like. But I thought I'd point out that DBT group does not exclude additional support or other formats at the same time.

Sorry to hear it's so difficult. I've been away from PC for something like six months, so I'm skimming forums here. But I saw a post or two from you elsewhere and it seems like you're doing a lot. I hope you can see that you are really doing more and better than I'm sure it feels like at times.

I hear you about the energy drain. I haven't been on PC because I'm so drained from working on my stuff. (For the audience, I suffer from AvPD -- so massive social anxiety and self-esteem issues ... and I don't really trust people.) I'm currently volunteering. Of all unbelievable things: a kind of tutoring, but I don't always know what's going to walk in the door each session so I often have to improvise. Stress. Hypervigilience. As you can imagine, I try to focus entirely on the other person, the problem at hand, and staying entirely in the moment. Then I go home and decompress. Sometimes you'll see me collapsed on the fender bench imitating an old dishrag.


My point is ... it's helping me and I feel I'm getting a little better with that and other "behaviorial" things. Growth and resolving long standing problems is usually painful and consumes much of our current energy reserves. We need to pick our battles and work on what we think is most beneficial to us right now. Only you will really know if the DBT group is helping you, but it sounds like you're saying you want to stay, if you can manage the stress and triggering. Just remember there's no shame in asking for additional support.


Sorry if I rambled a bit here. See the sidebar.



TL;DR Pretty much what the others said, but longer.

I think in my city the DBT therapists do a group session once a week and also an individual session with each patient. Is it like that for you?

I'd suggest to stay, KnitChick. From what you wrote, it sounds like you're finally starting to receive some benefist. Yes, group therapy can be hard and triggering, unfortunately. But it may be helpful on the long run. I agree with golden_eve about protecting yourself while in therapy. You don't need to share everything all at once if you don't want to. Take all the time you need. You need to take care of yourself. And if you find out that DBT isn't working out for you, that's totally fine. Group therapy isn't fore everyone. Take all the time you need to think about this. That's just my opinion, though. The final decision is up to you. Keep writing here if it helps. Feel free to PM me anytime. Let me know if I can do something to help you. Wish you good luck! Let us know how it goes. Sending many hugs to you

So my issue I've realized, is also a vulnerability. I get hijacked by insecure emotions during group. If I share, it's stupid and everyone knows it. If I don't share, I'm a chicken and everyone knows it. I don't know how to protect myself from that and its deep rooted. I don't think this group is for me anymore, unfortunately. I do think DBT helps. And I will continue to use it and learn about it. But I need to work on my issues before being in a group therapy setting. It's too much.

I've shared this with my therapist. She gave me a tool to use, it's called a resource image. It's visualizing something calm for me during stressful situations. It helped doing that in therapy. But it takes time to cultivate. It won't always protect me. Idk. Being hijacked is hard. Very uncomfortable.

I am learning, on top of all this, that I have complex trauma.

Not sure what else to say. I wish I could stay. Don't know if I have the strength. I was worried last weekend that the stress was going to cause something physically unhealthy to happen to me.

You don't have to stay if you don't want to, KnitChick. You could even decide to give yourself a break and come back when you feel ready. I'd suggesto to wait a few more sessions before taking any other decision. Please don you give up. I hope you'll feel better soon. Try to hang on. You can do this! You're strong, I know that. I believe in you. Feel free to PM me anytime. Sending many hugs to you

As usual, Mickey has said it all better than I do with regard to the decision. I won't rehash that, and I know you're going to talk it over with your T.


I just wanted to support you on this:

Aw, I feel like that a lot. It's highly doubtful that the other people who are also in DBT group are going to think those things given their own difficulties. A fear isn't stupid because it's different that what someone else is afraid of (everyone's afraid of something). Showing up and failing to talk about stuff most people would never admit to in front of others is certainly not chicken. Seriously, how many people without mental health issues would risk opening up like that to people they don't really know? Not bloody many.


I know it's deeply rooted. My social anxiety and poor self-esteem scream this at me all the time. I've had that conversation with my T. "I know this stuff isn't reasonable. The rational part of my mind agrees with everything we discussed. It just never *feels* right deep down." All I can suggest is to have your fore-brain keep reminding yourself of the more reasonable interpretation. Keep noticing and reminding yourself of times when people do show otherwise ... and how that feels. Until hopefully it starts to gradually feel a little better.


I have AvPD and I'm almost 50. It will never feel great. But then probably nobody every truly does. I'd be happy to have it manageable.

Hope this helps a little, even if just to know you're not alone in this.


If not ... um ...
Yea! KnitChick is awesome!

Hi all. Thank you for your support and thoughts. I am sort of taking a break from all the thinking right now, but what I may do is take a week or 2 off, and then come back to it. Me and the facilitator have been playing phone tag. But she's been really nice.

Ceph, thank you for writing. I have yet to read your whole post but I hugs'd you anyway. I will read it later when I am able ok? But just thank you. Hugs.

Mickey, thank you very much for the support, encouragement, and validation. Hugs to you too.

I agree with sticking it out. Maybe you can step back and take a break for a few weeks and then go back? Sometimes it helps me if I just step back from something. Sometimes it is best to walk away entirely but it’s hard to know at first. It helps me if I step back and think about it first. Best of luck to you.

Cepheid, this helped a lot actually. I have always been impressed by your own going forward, even though it hurts.

Thanks Sisabel.

There's something new I learned / experienced today and I posted about it in the psychotherapy forum under "confidentiality feels violated."

Thank you so much for sharing your post! I'm sorry that you are having trouble in this area of your life.

One thing to keep in mind (i'm sharing this because I struggle with it), is to make the decision for your best interests and not for anyone else. Sometimes people with pressure or push me to do something that may not be in my best interest, but serves them instead. I find it difficult sometimes to hold firm on these boundaries, but when I trust my gut and do it I am always relieved at the end.

Great job making a pros and cons list! I do this too and it usually provides me with quite a bit of insight that I may not have weighed otherwise.

Keep us posted on what you land on. Thanks for sharing and good luck!

Thank you for your thoughts and support Bonsai Guy