How do you cope with envy?

That's one of the most destructive emotion for me, because I clearly understand that feeling envy doesn't solve the problem, but only makes you feel really bad and you just get frustrated so much, that you've got no energy to make efforts towards finding a solution. I also do not wish anyone bad things. It's just stronger than me, I wouldn't like to feel envy, but I do.

For me, the most common subject for envy is that I've never been in relationships, and others do. That's painful, because I see how couples support each other, and I feel extremely upset each time I see happy couples kissing in my town, etc., cause I don't believe that I'll have something like that someday.

Did you ever feel strong envy? If so, how do you cope with it?

I hear you, KuzMax! I feel like the best way to fight envy is to just focus on ourselves and our own healing and try not to pay too much attention to what others are doing. After all it won't really be helpful in the long run like you've already wisely said. I know that's not easy though! We can all just try to do our best. We're only humans after all! Keep working on yourself as much as you possibly CAN! It will be worth it! THAT'S A PROMISE! Do you see a therapist? Maybe that could help! You could learn new things and learn new ways to cope with your feelings! I feel like that may REALLY help you! Please DO reach out to a professional if you haven't already! I'm sure there are PLENTY of books that may help you as well so perhaps you may want to check out those as well! Just keep working on yourself as much as you possibly can! That's all we humans can do after all and it's ALWAYS more than enough! Let us know how things are going for you and if there's ANYTHING we can do to help you out! WE ALL DO CARE ABOUT YOU! THAT'S A PROMISE! Wish you th best of luck in BOTH your healing and in your life! Sending many safe, warm hugs to you, KuzMax, and to ALL the people who you love and who love you back!

I'm glad at least one person answered, but, honestly, you haven't proposed anything particular, which made me wondering if there's even a single reason for so many caps and exclamations mark, and smiles... Does it work for others?

Mickey proposed specific things:

1. See a therapist
2. Read books about it
3. Focus on yourself
4. Work on yourself

Yes she has certain style of writing. You don’t have to like what people post or their style of writing. But being rude to people is against forum’s guidelines. It’s uncalled for

As about advice. You are only 18. You just now became an adult. You said you have “never” been in a relationship, but when would you even have time to really be in relationships? In your childhood?

It’s not uncommon to not date in your age. You could focus on education and building work skills and creating a life long career for yourself, improving your mental and physical health, making friends, finding hobbies etc You have many years ahead of you for romance.

I’d not worry about others kissing, who knows if they are in good relationships. Many people couple up only because they don’t want to be alone or don’t know how to be alone.. So id not assume they are actually happy. Some are and some aren’t

So I second Mickeys advice: focus on your own life and bettering yourself and talk to your doctor if you can get some therapy for yourself. It could be helpful

Quote:

Originally Posted by KuzMax I'm glad at least one person answered, but, honestly, you haven't proposed anything particular, which made me wondering if there's even a single reason for so many caps and exclamations mark, and smiles... Does it work for others?

Completely rude.

Wow. Go ahead and blame me in rudeness

Thank you all guys for your support

As far as envy goes I think its what I like to call a "useless emotion"(included in that is also jealousy and shame). IMO envy stems from what is lacking in your life and I do not mean material things or relationships but at the fundamental core of who you are- something is lacking. Very often the stems from the way we were raised. I do not know what your homelife is like but very often if you look there you will have some clues. Envy is a poison feeling for your soul. If causes you to look outward and hyperfocus on what others have and then compare that to yourself. If you do not like yourself or appreciate what you have then you will not be able to stop being envious. I know when I have felt this way in the past (before I got sober) the one way I could pull myself out of it was doing nice things for others and volunteering. I use AA for my sobriety so my way of keeping myself in check is to lead meetings in the womens prison. Those girls need all the support they have and to know they are not forgotten. The soup kitchen in my county rotates from church to church to serve dinners so when they are in my town I try and go down there and serve the dinners and talk to people. Dignity is something people often lose when they have lost everything and helping them get a little back is worth my time. People are looking for volunteers for everything- animals, homeless, habitat for humanity, disabled meals on wheels etc. I promise you that if you volunteer and help others you will not feel this way.

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Originally Posted by KuzMax Wow. Go ahead and blame me in rudeness Thank you all guys for your support

Well it was. But it doesn’t make you a terrible person which is why we still answered your question

Sorry you are struggling with this challenge as sometimes a mental health challenge can make things more challenging. Also, you live in Moscow, Russia too so it can be so different there than what other members experience where they live too. Sometimes a person lives in a place where things are not as available as they are in other countries too. I feel at a loss in that I honestly don't know what it's like to live in your country and what may be available to someone struggling that can help them work their way out of a rut they may be in. I don't even know if there are places there where you can volunteer your time or not either. From my understanding things in your country are a lot more sensored then here in the US too. It's interesting to learn that you are able to access this site and interact as you have. I don't personally know how much you are allowed to do or gain access to.

Can you propose any other (better in your opinion) way to tell somebody that I don't like (and believe I can find some people who also don't) empty, over-positive messages that don't propose anything particular? That's even hard to read. But I don't want to seem rude for anyone here. I just want let someone know how can one become better at what's one doing. If any criticism, that doesn't related to the person, but to what's he's doing instead, would've been called "rude", how can you imagine our world?

If I give my advice, and someone explains that it's a bad advice in any way, I'll accept it. I do want to know if I'm doing something wrong. And my post is not an exception. If I hurt MickeyCheeky, I am sorry. And if he agrees that it was rude, I accept my fault. But I'd like to hear his opinion instead.

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Thanks for your messages, though. Actually, it doesn't help to rationalize my feelings. And there're some more ways to do good things for other people, rather than volunteering, but they also don't really help. I'm already working on myself, but this emotion can really stuck in my head, so I can't concentrate on work or positive things, so problem is not related to lifestyle or something...

I haven't got any problems with accessing this website, haha. But thanks for caring

Yeah, it's almost impossible to find a good therapist or psychiatrist, that really slows my progress down. However, self-help articles on the web don't really help with my illness or with coping with negative emotions, so I'm wondering if even a good psychotherapist could suggest a method that will work for me.

It’s ok not to like certain kind of messages. The best way is honestly to ignore messages that you don’t find helpful.

After being on here for awhile you’ll eventually know whose messages you find unhelpful so you’d just learn to not pay attention.

If it gets too much and you keep seeing same people posting what you find useless, you can always put people on ignore list. Then you don’t have to see their messages at all (unless in someone’s quotes).

Why would you have a problem accessing this site or any other websites? In Moscow in 2019? Why wouldn’t you be able to? It’s not North Korea. Oh boy.

That’s a shame it’s hard to find good psychiatrist or therapists. That could be helpful.

Some self help articles are useless. Let me see maybe I can find some on this site or on psychology today. I haven’t seen any on this topic but I’ve met ton of people who struggle with envying others. There has to be help out there!

That's much better answer than randomly blaming a person for rudeness. I appreciate your suggestions, however I truly believe that healthy criticism helps people get better. If you ask me, I prefer to be explained about what I'm wrong, rather than being ignored.

I can relate to being blunt and saying how it is. Ha But it’s always better to get to know the person first before criticizing them plus there is no need to criticize someone’s posting style, it’s very subjective. Some people do want just hugs and butterflies and unicorns. So just because you don’t want them and prefer something more concrete, it doesn’t mean just giving hugs is the wrong way to go about it. It’s very subjective and individual.

By the way articles about envy I’ve skimmed through just now were quite dumb. I see if I can find something better

Yeah, some people still believe we drink vodka everyday and dance with bears on streets, playing balalayka

Yeah, that's why I'm planning move to the USA if I could find a single opportunity to get money/work within my conditions.

Thank you, let me know if you find something useful! Because I haven't.

I'd not say he's blunt. Because I've read his threads and they describe very concrete problems with very readable style. But you're right. There's no need to discuss someone's style or preferences.

Thanks, let me know if you find something

You mean you don’t do any of that???? No drunk dancing with bears??? I thought that’s what people do in Russia since they aren’t allowed to be on the Internet. Especially in Moscow. Right on a Red Square. Hahahaha Thanks for the laughs.

By the way your English is excellent.

I meant I am blunt. You said you prefer to tell people how it is. So do I, but I don’t think this is the case when you needed to be blunt.

Firstly, why do you believe that you'll never be in a relationship?

Secondly, what exactly do you want help with? How to handle envy? Or finding a practical solution to get what you desire?

You're thinking of northern Wisconsin.

I have created a separate topic for solution to get what I desire, and I explained there why I don't believe I can find anybody.

What's the wrongest thing about me among the things, describing what's wrong with me?

So, yeah, I'd like to know how to handle envy until I magically solve all of the impediments for finding a GF. Because I can't even talk with a friend about his relationship, it hurts me so much.

Honestly, I think this goes a little deeper than simple envy or wanting a girlfriend.

Either way, focus on what steps are needed for you to achieve whatever it is that you desire. For example, you desire to find a girlfriend. What can you do today to work toward becoming a person that a girl would like to date? Maybe that's working on your conversation skills or your physique. Maybe that's finding a hobby that you enjoy and getting good at it (after all, most people find partners in hobbies that they both enjoy). Maybe it's all three.

Keep a journal. Compare yourself to who you were yesterday, a week ago, two months ago.

I can't work because of my mental illness, and I can't lose weight because of my mental illness.

Most of girls keep saying to me that I'm too fat for them. However, before they get known about this fact, I feel some interest in me

The only woman outside my family I talk to nearly everyday, she's lesbian. So, again, no girl really wants me. And I've got some friends, so I don't feel like the problem is about communication.

Maybe it's totally OK to feel depressed about the fact you're being rejected by the opposite sex, because that's about survival of my bloodline. So that's how my brains' supposed to stimulate me to find a way out of it. But it only makes me think about suicide, so controversial...

Yeah, I know what you're all thinking about. Another annoying guy who's whining about loneliness... There're so many others who struggle with the same problem, and don't find answers for years and decades...