How are you coping today? #4

I've had those days where I'd go days or weeks without showering, brushing my teeth, changing clothes, or doing anything really. I'd eat only to stay alive - that was about the extent of it. My dentist had a field day every year or two when I went to see them.

I'm so sorry you struggle with depression, too. I'm glad you were able to get some energy to do some things. I know it is tough to feel good about your accomplishments, but I see how much doing laundry or even just getting up and getting changed could be a huge accomplishment.

I told my T everything I needed to tell her in session online today. She was very reassuring and helpful to me and my alters.

We still feel like crap, but we know it is from the icky trauma stuff.

We slept all day to deal with insomnia, changing sleep patterns, changing weather, barometric pressures messing with us, and all the tough work we did in therapy. The T had to help ground me again today because the alters wanted to talk about stuff I wasn't ready for, so my T helped me stay co-conscious while she helped the alters feel better about their painful experiences.

I asked my T if I could just go back to being dissociative so that I don't have to know anything anymore. She said something I can't remember, but I do remember that she said we can work on it in small pieces, and she reminded me that I'm safe, that nothing bad is going to happen to me. I almost started having a panic attack, but I actually made it without having one. So I slept after our session. I'm sort of waking now, but it's like the middle of the night/early morning. I ate something, but I'm tired again and want to sleep but then don't want to sleep at the same time. LOL.

I made it to therapy which was my only obligation for today. I was half asleep for most of the session but she was cool about it. I had coffee but still stuck to the no soda thing. I’m still tired but my doctor told me to just hang in there for 10 more days. I’m wondering if it’s one of the 2 new meds I recently started. I don’t think I’m drinking enough water either. But basically all I had to do today was go to therapy and that was it and I accomplished that. My anxiety was in check besides the health stuff. My moods were kinda up and down.

Self-care. Distraction. Keeping busy. Finding safe things I can focus on in my apartment and within myself. Using grounding techniques.

I had a good long walk yesterday and not too bad a pain kick back, a bit of a shorter walk today - walking helps, mentally and physically and glad it’s dry weather so I can do this.

I'm going through my morning routine. It's helping me focus on myself, which makes me feel good. I also feel like I'm accomplishing something.

Feeling anxious about a few things but overall I had a good day.

I'm not coping well. I went to bed at 3:30. It's 7 hours later and I'm still tired and depressed. I want to keep sleeping. I don't want to be awake. But if I slept all night, I will have been in bed for over 12 hours. I'm just so sad.

You know, doing the one step at a time thing. It seems to help.

I am pretty crabby and I am lethargic and unable to get a lot done. My quality of life is really being affected by the lack of meds in my system and I still have 8 days before I can go back on them. I do worry about Thanksgiving and my plans and having such low energy. But I have noticed a decrease in my overall anxiety. I actually felt comfortable going out to dinner in a strange town last night and I have no idea if it’s a friendly town or not.

I'm anxious this morning. I'm not coping well. I'm just waiting for my mom to pick me up. I think I will be fine once she gets here. We're going to the food bank.

Hope it went okay!

Okay, I was edgy with pain this morning (which may be because I’m trying to cut out my evening dose) but much better once I got moving thankfully.

This morning we got chatting to a friendly woman with 2 lovely dogs and spent a long time throwing the spaniel’s ball for him which he just loved. My husband said it had really cheered him up and it did me too, animals are a real blessing.

Right now I’m baking some apples in the oven for pudding tonight. It smells nice.

I did good today. Today was the first day my moods were calm the entire day and I also felt fine physically all day and not tired. It’s been a long time since I’ve been stable both physically and mentally. I guess I’ve finally adjusted to not having the meds in my system. But I don’t know what next Saturday will look like when I go back on the lower dose. And I’m kinda worried my 2 blood levels will still be high. I need to be on this med for the rest of my life though since I’ve already had surgery. If I’m not on it I risk causing long term health issues to my body. So I’m not sure what will happen if the levels are still high. But luckily I have a great doctor who can figure this stuff out.

Allowing myself to be in the moment and doing what feels right and necessary at the time. Not putting too much pressure on myself to get anything done. Allowing myself to change my mind, and then change it again if I need to.

It’s cold and wet here and it’s flared my pain up but I’m coping with a heat pack, it feels blissful.

I’ve kept busy all day and now I’m going to read a little while before watching some TV.

I'm coping well. I did EFT Tapping twice on Forgiveness before going to see my brother. I got to see my sister and mom, which was nice. I felt fine around my brother. I was okay until they mentioned a childhood incident. I kind of just had to say okay and then move on. My brother always remembers the worst. I'm human and I'm an adult now. That's what matters.

I feel fine at least I’m telling myself that and I’ve just been hanging low all day. Although Facebook is pissing me off a bit more then usual and there’s this old teacher of mine who was freaking out and claiming that she’s not a racist (which isn’t true she’s made derogatory comments before) and another teacher at that same school then replied that she’s not racist and that they loved all their students whatever color they were. Yet this teacher sent me a transphobic PM when I announced my transition last year and it just pisses me off. I wanted to call him out on it and say “but you think being transphobic is cool according to the PM you sent me last year?” but I just tried letting it go. So I watched 2 episodes of Project Runway which worked great for distraction until I turned it off then all the feelings came back and my mom thinks something is wrong and I don’t know if it’s just normal feelings or if it’s med related or if his comment pissed me off that badly. Like do Jesus freaks just not understand they are being hypocrites? I truly don’t get it. Political posts don’t usually get me going this much so I think there could be other issues going on med wise maybe. I don’t know really. I don’t feel like confronting this teacher because of the other people who were responding to the post as well. They were in defense of the teacher, the original poster who was screaming she wasn’t a racist and I would have stuck out as the odd one and it could have gotten bad. I’ve thought of sending him a PM but at the same time I’m trying just to let it go.

And the whole med thing makes me upset too. Because transphobes say these chemicals that trans people put into your body are harmful. And it sounds like just a lot of BS hate they are spewing from their mouths and they have no idea what they are talking about. But I am actually having issues with the meds causing harm to my body and it’s just been confusing and like the bigots have won or something. I don’t know. It’s just a thought in the back of my head that’s been bugging me a lot.

Taking it slow & easy.

I was finding Facebook quite irritating and in the end I got a new phone and didn’t install the app. I do use Facebook for some functional groups so keep the app on my old device where I check only once a week. I can honestly say it’s helped me because I used to check Facebook out of habit.

I’m coping well today, the volunteer group this afternoon went well although a lot to process from that.

I'm doing okay today. I went for a drive and I did some EFT Tapping on anxiety. I was really anxious this morning. I found a CBT book to listen to on Audible.com. So I will do that today and play my games.

Not well. I have new neighbors below me. They've been here 4 days and have already complained about my dogs to me and to the management. I talked to the manager and they seem to recognize that noise is part of apartment living, unless it's constant. My one dog will occasionally bark when I'm gone to run errands, but otherwise they never make noise. The meeting was cordial and productive.

I told the manager that I'll try to put the dog in the bathroom, which feels like punishment, but maybe it will help. I also told them if that didn't work I would have to give the dogs away. I won't do that. If it comes to that, I'm just going to opt out of life. Maybe allow everyone to rationalize that to themselves. "Yeah, I complained about someone and they took their own life." There will probably be some pride in their voice when they tell that story to friends and family. "High five! I'm awesome!"

Edit: I'm much calmer now. I have probably blown it all out of proportion, and the manager didn't seem too concerned about it. Low self esteem I guess. Playing into being a victim of life. [Deep breath]

I feel better after getting a new phone and getting a samsung this time. I feel less worried now about the cloud and stuff showing up on my moms google history since she didn't get a samsung or an apple. I also feel less concerned about goverement watch lists and the FBI coming after me even though all my google history was just SpongBob gifs. I traded in my iphone but I saw the guy wipe it clean in front of me.

I'm afraid to go get groceries. Afraid to leave the apartment at all.